PhartSack 13,792 15
01/31/2005 02:29 AM

"Canadian Jokes Only"









Jean Chretien

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/31/2005 02:29 AM

<action> is canadian, therefore can tell any joke he wants</action>



.....



I got nothing.

Sylvester 4,465 9
01/31/2005 02:34 AM

I know this is more of a Scot joke, but:



A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend. Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside. He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?"



The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose."



The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a moose?! Well, how big are yer cats around here?"

Sylvester 4,465 9
01/31/2005 02:37 AM

Why do Canadians have a maple leaf on their flag?



It shows them what to use for toilet paper.

Mc®ib, saucing you up 13,155 9
01/31/2005 02:38 AM

Alanis Morisette.



Avril Lavigne.



Celine Dion.

Fratberry® 282,931 53
01/31/2005 02:38 AM

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella in Toronto?







Fo' Drizzle, Eh.

Sylvester 4,465 9
01/31/2005 02:43 AM

Celine Dion singing songs that did more damage to the Titanic than the iceburg.

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
01/31/2005 02:45 AM

Canada a loft apartment over a really great party - Robin Williams

Livewire 78,229 13
01/31/2005 02:51 AM

It's been used on Gab before, but I can repeat it because I created it.



Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road?

A: Because that's the direction his car was sliding.

Fratberry® 282,931 53
01/31/2005 02:52 AM

Q: What does a Goal Keeper and a Quebec girl have in common?



A: Both change their pads after three periods.

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
01/31/2005 03:11 AM

In Canada they have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
01/31/2005 03:22 AM

I thought canada was the joke.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/31/2005 03:22 AM

In Canada they have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling road construction.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/31/2005 03:25 AM

<action> seems now that he is the canadian joke</action>

On that note. I'm off.

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
01/31/2005 03:26 AM

Q: How do you stop bacon from curling in the frying pan?



A: Take away their brooms!

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
01/31/2005 03:29 AM

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.



The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some Emerson out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".



The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"



The boy replied, "Canada. sir."



"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.



The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."



"My wife is from Canada!!" said the manager.



The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
01/31/2005 03:34 AM

Yea I know I know a lot, but I gots nothen else to do!





50 Fahrenheit (10 C)

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Canadians plant gardens.





40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Canadians Sunbathe.





35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)

Italian Cars won't start

Canadians drive with the windows down





32 Fahrenheit (0 C)

Distilled water freezes

Canadian water gets thicker.





0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

Canadians have the last cookout of the season.





-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)

Hollywood disintegrates.

Canadians rent some videos.





-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)

Mt. St. Helen's freezes.

Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.





-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole

Canadians pull down their earflaps.





-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes.

Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.





-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)

Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.

Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "





-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)

Hell freezes over.

The Leafs win the Cup

Livewire 78,229 13
01/31/2005 03:35 AM

An anglophone Canadian and a Quebecois are walking separately along a beach, when each of them spots a strange bottle half buried in the sand. They fight and brawl over it, but the Quebecois wins the fight. He picks the bottle up and opens it. A genie leaps out and says, "I have been trapped in this bottle for a thousand years. There is no need to fight. To show my gratitude, I will grant you each one wish, anything you desire."



The Quebecois is a proud patriot, and wishes for a 50 foot wall around the entire province of Quebec, so that they will no longer have to deal with the rest of Canada. The genie snaps his fingers, and it is done.



The genie asks the anglophone, "What is your wish?" The man thinks for a second and replies, "Fill it up with water."

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
01/31/2005 03:37 AM

Only Canada could draw a curling joke.

AussieSarah-feeding babys to dingos for a low$1.99 8,390 9
01/31/2005 03:59 AM

This is a Redneck joke - close enough.



The Pentagon announced today the formation of an elite fighting group called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF)



The boys, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss and Boo will be dropped behind enemy lines and given the following information about the Iraqis:



1. The season opened last weekend.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The war should be over in a week.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
01/31/2005 04:18 AM

Yes, because we all know Canadians and rednecks are similar.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
01/31/2005 04:19 AM

...and because redneck Iraqi war jokes and Canadian jokes are the same...

joburger 367 8
01/31/2005 04:31 AM

Jeff Foxworthy and Celine Dion? Who can tell the difference?

Fredikium 92 8
01/31/2005 04:54 AM

A couple of small town Australians stop at the pub after work. They're enjoying their second round of pints when they notice a couple of out-of-towners come into the joint and sit at the bar.



Being a friendly town, one of the Aussies decides to go see who these guys are. He heads up the to the bar and says "Excuse me, guys. You aren't from around here, are you? Where you from?"



"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan"



The Aussie turns around and head back to his buddy at the table.



"So? Where are they from?"



"I don't know, but they don't speak any English."

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
01/31/2005 05:26 AM

Two Canadian men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and looked at the other without much hope, but decided to rub the lamp anyway.

A huge puff of smoke appeared and from it appeared a Genie. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish to the person that rubbed it. Excitedly the Canadian that had picked the lamp from the water requested that the entire lake be filled with Molsons Golden Beer.

Within seconds they watched a mist form on the water and then all at once it turned a beautiful amber color, and as that happened the Genie disappeared.

The Canadian with the lamp was ecstatic, and looked to the other and soon realized he was less than pleased.

He asked, "What's the matter ehh? What on earth could you be pissed a-boot? Look at that...... I even asked for all Molsons Ehh!"



The other Canadian shook his head and responded, "Great thinking there Einstein, what are we supposed to do now, piss in the damn boat?"

Captain Dan's Sea Legs® 44,452 11
01/31/2005 06:25 AM

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.



His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"



"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.



"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

Nik Pan 30,762 12
01/31/2005 07:33 AM

A canadian walks into a bar.



Because he's stupid and says Eh and Aboot.

Captain Dan's Sea Legs® 44,452 11
01/31/2005 07:44 AM

Newfoundland's worst air disaster occured today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetary early this afternoon in Central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Chickens Come Home Mon 286,527 61
01/31/2005 07:56 AM

In honor of my Canadian friends:



How many Canadian sailboats does it take to beat Stars and Stripes in a mini regatta last week?



A: one.

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
01/31/2005 09:07 AM

Slippery bastards.



God if they ever won the cup, wonder what waters they would choose to host the event in ?



Burrrr.....

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
01/31/2005 10:02 AM

"wonder what waters they would choose to host the event in ?"



Niagra Falls. They would demand we go up as they go down.



Beer Eh!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
01/31/2005 10:17 AM

A Canadian gets drunk and decides to go ice fishing. (This happens about as often as you would think, ie, all the damn time.)He takes his pole and tackle and goes out on the ice and starts to chop a hole in it. Suddenly he hears a great booming voice coming from above him.



"THERE'S NO FISH THERE."



Startled, the Canadian looks around but can't see where the voice came from. So he staggers a few metres away to a different spot, and again starts chopping a hole in the ice. And AGAIN, the voice booms out.



"THERE'S NO FISH THERE."



The Canadian is spooked, but we're a stubborn people. So he gathers up his gear and staggers to a third spot on the ice. He raises his ice axe, but before he can even start chopping he hears the voice again.



"THERE'S NO FISH THERE EITHER!".



The Canadian looks up and shouts "God? Is that you?"



"NO. THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGER."

The High Priestess of Stewie, Leader of GVG 58,884 29
01/31/2005 10:26 AM

BARBER:

I wanted to be... a lumberjack!



Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!



With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!



[singing]

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.

I sleep all night and I work all day.



MOUNTIES:

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.



BARBER:

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea.



MOUNTIES:

He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.

He goes to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays he goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea.



He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

The High Priestess of Stewie, Leader of GVG 58,884 29
01/31/2005 10:27 AM

BARBER:

I cut down trees. I skip and jump.

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars.



MOUNTIES:

He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars?!



He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.



BARBER:

I cut down trees. I wear high heels,

Suspendies, and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie,

Just like my dear Papa.



MOUNTIES:

He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,

Suspendies, and a bra?!



[talking]

What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!

And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!...



[singing]

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.



He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day

Everett, a.k.a. Sy the Photo Guy 6,547 10
01/31/2005 01:37 PM

Did you hear the Canadian govt is recalling all the Loonies? Seems all the Newfies are breaking their teeth, trying to get the chocolate out!

Everett, a.k.a. Sy the Photo Guy 6,547 10
01/31/2005 01:39 PM

I heard this one my very first weekend in Canada...



Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

















They're both Frost-ing close to water!

Chickens Come Home Mon 286,527 61
01/31/2005 01:40 PM

Well, since LANDLOCKED Sweeden won the last America's Cup with a hired Kiwi crew, the logical place for the next one is SPAIN.

Prof. Fantabulous 19,711 13
01/31/2005 01:47 PM

Landlocked?



What does the blue on maps represent these days?

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
01/31/2005 01:53 PM

Democrats.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/31/2005 01:58 PM

Here be dragons.

Prof. Fantabulous 19,711 13
01/31/2005 02:56 PM

Why are Newfies so excited at the possibility of Quebec separating?





It will take hours off the drive into Toronto.

Chickens Come Home Mon 286,527 61
01/31/2005 02:59 PM

Has no one told this kid that he cannot use logic or actual facts on me? THEY'RE USELESS, I TELL YOU!

Sylvester 4,465 9
02/02/2005 05:16 AM

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."



The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

D-Stock 2,210 10
02/02/2005 11:02 PM

Q: How do you get a Canadian to apologize to you?















A: Step on his toe.

Mr Fook 4,016 9
02/02/2005 11:06 PM

Q:What do you do when an American steps on your toe?







A:Punch him in the face and call him a Frost-ing yank.

Sylvester 4,465 9
02/07/2005 05:05 AM

What do you call a Canadian with a snow plow?



The designated driver.

Sylvester 4,465 9
02/07/2005 05:10 AM

A Canadian walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.



"Can I help you, sir?"



"Yessh! SShomebody sshtole my car!" the man replies.



The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"



"It wasssh at the end of thissssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.



About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's weenie is being exhibited for the entire world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"



The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Ohhh NOOO...They got my girlfriend too!"