DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
02/01/2005 08:12 AM

"Whats the difference between bonds, and men?







Bonds mature."

Phuc 237,919 21
02/01/2005 08:14 AM

Didja hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the street?

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
02/01/2005 08:16 AM

He got done for indecent exposure?

Phuc 237,919 21
02/01/2005 08:18 AM

Never mind.

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
02/01/2005 08:19 AM

What's the difference between Love, True Love, and Showing Off

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
02/01/2005 08:20 AM

Spitting, Swallowing, and Gargaling

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
02/01/2005 08:20 AM

Spitting, swallowing, or gargling.

Megatron teh n00b 3,360 9
02/01/2005 08:23 AM

HA HA!!





I'm Quick Draw McGraw!!!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
02/01/2005 08:31 AM

Si.



I meen oui.



I meen...



...I don know what I meen.

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 10:30 AM

Anyone from the UK will understand the Laminated Book of Dreams that is brought to you by the well known store of Argos...Unsure if there's an equivilent over in Wall Mart land

Chickens Come Home Mon 286,527 61
02/01/2005 10:35 AM

They just opened a super wallmarket here in backwoodsville, and I'm stunned to hear they have a barber shop in there. A BARBER SHOP!



Where'd you get that haircut boy? Walmart?



Why, yes, why do you ask?

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
02/01/2005 10:38 AM

Demo, your joke reminded me of this one.





Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toliet paper ?











A: No one knows.

newwave 45,912 10
02/01/2005 10:39 AM

For that matter, why not just post the punch lines for the ultimate in "cut to the chase" action?



Rectum?! Damn near killed 'em!

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
02/01/2005 10:41 AM

$20, same as in town.

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
02/01/2005 10:45 AM

Witherspoon!

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
02/01/2005 10:46 AM

Seven.

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
02/01/2005 10:54 AM

Socket?



I said sprocket!

Sexual Harassment Panda 181,783 70
02/01/2005 10:56 AM

Supplies!



</obligitory>

Delicious Lesbian Sea Turtle 156,790 17
02/01/2005 10:59 AM

We just did one of these threads not too long ago.



I could repeat my orange juice joke but it's borderline not funny anymore.



I could repeat my Sarah Jessica Parker joke too, but it's almost used up as well.



How about this:



What did John Hargrave say when the GAB posters asked him about bugs on the board and personal icons???





" "

SpecialKake, Esquire 55,555 14
02/01/2005 11:08 AM

my Fave:



What's brown and sticky?









A stick

Fatjerry® 282,931 53
02/01/2005 11:12 AM

Q: How long does it take to give a woman an orgasm?



A: Silly, there's no such thing.

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
02/01/2005 11:12 AM

"I'm not sure about the St. Bernard, but the orangutang blushes every time he sees your mother."

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
02/01/2005 11:17 AM

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?"

He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?"

She giggles and says "No...it's just mustard this time."

Mr. Briham the Criminally Insane Groundhog 38,843 10
02/01/2005 11:21 AM

This guy walks into a story and tries to buy some dog food. The cashier, however, is a real Emerson and gives him a hard time.

"Do you have a dog?" Asks the cashier.

"Yeah" says the man.

"Well where is it?"

"At home"

"Well, unless I see a dog, I'm not selling you any dog food." says the cashier.



The next day the guy comes in and tries to buy some cat food. Unfortunatly, he meets the same cashier.

"You got a cat?" asks the cashier.

"Of course I do. It's at home." Says the guy.

"Well, unless I see a cat, you don't get the cat food."



The third day the man walks in with a paper sack.

"Reach in," he tells the cashier. The cashier does this and says "It's warm, soft, and kinda sticky."

"I need some toilet paper" says the guy.

SpecialKake, Esquire 55,555 14
02/01/2005 11:30 AM

Q: How long does it take to give a woman an orgasm?



A- Who cares?!

DirtyHermit 858 9
02/01/2005 12:05 PM

3 blondes walk into a bar...





















...the brunette ducked.

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 12:08 PM

Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Michael.

Michael who?

Congratulations, you're on the jury!

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 12:10 PM

Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Michael.

Michael who?

Congratulations, your on the jury!

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 12:11 PM

Whoops! That shouldn't have happened! (About previous post not jumping2 another punchline.)

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
02/01/2005 12:14 PM

Well you didn't have to say it twice .







Then the Doctor said,





"I didn't !"



"I didn't !"

Intoxicated Ape 615 9
02/01/2005 12:24 PM

Tarzan: "What name?"



Jane: "Jane."



Tarzan: "What whole name?"



Jane: "Carroll."

turtle10 42,578 26
02/01/2005 12:27 PM

"no it's ice cream, really!"

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/01/2005 12:31 PM

To get to the other side.



<oldest punchline in the book>

daisypie 49,378 9
02/01/2005 12:32 PM

<action>proudly rips a loud stinky fart</action>Oh, I thought you said 'cutting the cheese'...

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
02/01/2005 12:32 PM

The Aristocrats

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
02/01/2005 12:33 PM

Sorry, NSFW

joburger 367 8
02/01/2005 12:44 PM

Descartes walks into a caf and sits down ready to order. A

waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?"

Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears!

micki 21 8
02/01/2005 12:49 PM

This one is great when coming from little kids.

kid:'You wanna hear a dirty joke?

adult(eyebrow raised):'OK'

kid:'Two white horses fell in the mud'

I know it's lame, but little ones love it. I had one fall off a counter once, laughing so hard.

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 12:52 PM

A man is in a dinner and is given a menu by a beautiful waitress. He scans the menu and says



"How about a quickie?"



Understandably she slaps him in the face and storms off. She returns in five minutes and asks for his order.



"Any chance of that quickie now?"



Another slap and another storm off.





Wait for it....its rather good...





A man at an ajacent tableleans over and says



"I think it's pronounced quiche."

Crackalacka 68,758 11
02/01/2005 12:54 PM

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?



Two. One to hold the ladder and the other to screw in the penis. I mean lightbulb!! I mean lightbulb!!

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/01/2005 12:56 PM

Libertine, did you get that joke from Thats Life? (crappy British magazine...which I read like once. Ahem)

Mr. Briham the Criminally Insane Groundhog 38,843 10
02/01/2005 01:33 PM

A man takes his daughter to see the gynecologist. The doctor asks if the girl is sexually active. The father says "No, she moslty just lies still like her mother."

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 04:20 PM

No dropkick I never, I got it from the much more upmarket FHM. AHEM.

superkat 114 9
02/01/2005 04:24 PM

two of my favorites, as told by my brothers:



Q: how many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: wanna go ride bikes?



Q: what could be better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

A: not being retarded.

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 04:29 PM

Superkat you do realise that we're going to Hell don't you. You for telling those jokes and me for laughing. Not that I care...I'll be to busy shaking hands with my mates to notice.

Phenomenal Filly 39,193 20
02/01/2005 05:01 PM

So, Superman goes to hell, and joins all the bad people Hitler and Stalin and such. Hitler looks at him and asks, "Superman? Why are you in hell?" Superman sighs and says, "There was this hooker once....she made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet. I broke her in half."



/Family Guy

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
02/01/2005 05:11 PM

What did the kid that was blind, deaf, and dumb get for Christmas?















































Cancer.





/Dept. of Old Jokes Department.

Libertine 125 8
02/01/2005 05:30 PM

So an Englishman an Irishman and an American are all standing on top of the Empire State building. The American says "I bet you fifty dollars that I can fly round this building."

"Yer on!" replys the Irishman

So the American jumps off, falls for a goo distance but then begins to fly! Round the building twice and landing next to his two astounded pals.

"I want to try that!" says the Irishman and he jumps off the building....and plummets to his death.

The Englishman turns to the American and says

"Jesus Superman, you're a right little shakespeare when your drunk!"

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
02/01/2005 05:46 PM

How many straight guys from San Francisco does it take to change a light bulb ?













Both of them !

ThelaHunGinjeet 22 9
02/01/2005 05:48 PM

One day, while giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath, the nurse noticed the comatose woman's monitors blipped everytime her crotch was sponged. The nurse told the doctors. The doctors, excited to try a new treatment, called the woman's husband and asked if he could come in and have sex with his comatose wife. The husband agreed to try anything that might wake his wife up.

The doctors watched the monitors while, behind privacy screens, the husband had sex with his comatose wife. At first, nothing. Then the monitors started to go crazy! Success! The doctors were about to congratulate each other when BAM! All the monitors went dead, flatlined. The doctors rushed in, "What happened?" they cried.



"I don't know," said the husband. "I think she choked."

TableTopJane® 173,958 15
02/01/2005 05:57 PM

Tarzan: "What name?"



Jane: "Jane."



Tarzan: "What whole name?"



Jane: "Carroll."



I love jokes that allow me to convince myself people are talking about me.

Fratberry 282,931 53
02/01/2005 06:00 PM

<action>waits for obligatory "Cutting to the Cheese" parody thread</action>

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/01/2005 06:08 PM

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman, and Paddy Scotsman are on in a kids park. A fairy/genie/whatever appears and tells them to go down the slide and yell something they really want. At the end of the slide they will land in whatever they have wished for.



(Can you see where this impossible scenario is heading yet?)



Okay so Paddy Englishman goes first and yells 'GOLD', and he lands in a pile of gold. Paddy Scotsman yells MONEY and lands in a pile of money.



Aaaaaand finally Paddy Irishman slides down and yells 'WEEEEEE'.



</the one joke book thats older than the Bible>

Livewire 78,229 13
02/01/2005 07:42 PM

Most underappreciated joke this month: Libertine's post at 11:08am. That is all.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/01/2005 07:45 PM

... and then again at 11:10

Humphrey© 51,764 12
02/01/2005 07:46 PM

I prefer 11.10am

Humphrey© 51,764 12
02/01/2005 07:46 PM

bugger.

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
02/01/2005 11:53 PM

Then you DO know Michael?

Libertine 125 8
02/02/2005 09:30 AM

Thanks Livewire! Your post meant that it wasn't underapreciated and bumped up my funny rating by 20!

SheCabbage 5,200 13
02/02/2005 10:20 AM

They just opened a super wallmarket here in backwoodsville, and I'm stunned to hear they have a barber shop in there. A BARBER SHOP!



Around here they call it a 'salon'.







*day late and dollar short*

turtle10 42,578 26
02/02/2005 10:59 AM

Tarzan: "What name?"



Jane: "Jane."



Tarzan: "What whole name?"



Jane: "Carroll."





I JUST got this. Whole name = hole name. I laughed out loud...whike on a conference call.

Intoxicated Ape 615 9
02/02/2005 11:09 AM

In that case you can have a sympathy clickie. I'm continually having to explain my zug related muffled sOgden Nashes at work.



"oh... just something someone said in an email"



Yeah right. I never get any funny emails.

Libertine 125 8
02/04/2005 08:24 AM

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?



He bought a warehouse.

Virnomine 79,386 11
02/04/2005 08:28 AM

Holy Shakespeare! A talking muffin!

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
02/04/2005 12:07 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.



What's funny about this joke is that the person telling it thinks that they know what dyslexic means.