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I have lived in Florida for as long as I can remember. Now I haven't lived in Florida forever, but that's not the point. The point is that all I know are white sandy beaches, sharks, tourists, and Disneyworld. So when my parents announced that I would be going on a two-week camping 'Adventure' with Outward Bound through Maine before I when in to high school, I was a bit shocked. I was to spend two weeks in the Maine wilderness canoeing and rock climbing. It didn't sound all that bad. I guess I should have realized that it would be two weeks of HELL, when I almost missed my 5am flight. I should have realized that it would be two weeks of HELL when my luggage got lost. And I guess the wheels in my head really should have started moving when I started my period on the flight. But no. Oh no. I would pay for missing the signals, oh how I would pay. I hate Maine.
Stepping off the plane at Portland International I instantly froze. It was July. When I got on the plane at Jacksonville Airport it was already 75 at 5:30am. Hopping off the plane at 12:00 noon in Portland, it was 65. My brain froze in confusion and so did my legs and arms. "Shouldn't it be warmer?" my mind thought. "It's OK" I reassured myself, "I have a jacket and jeans in my suitcase! I'll change in the bathroom!" Picture this, a skinny, shivering child standing at the only luggage carrousel in the entire airport, watching three suitcases drop and go around and around; then the sign above the carrousel changes to a different flight and still no luggage for her. I know you started laughing a while ago. Lip twitching, I walk up to the Delta desk where I find that my luggage is somewhere over Utah on its way to Portland Oregon.
Hours later I am in a caravan with seven other kids from across the US as they are talking and laughing about the fun they are going to have. Looking out the window as we go up into the mountains, I notice my eyes are hurting from the light. I had just gotten contacts for this very trip; my mom was afraid that I'd lose or break my glasses in the middle of nowhere and be blind. She didn't know I was rapidly developing a severe case of conjunctivitis. But that bit of fun comes later, what came next is every woman's (and some men's) nightmare.
Divided up into our 'family groups' or 'camping families' we were briefed and instructed on the do's and don'ts of the natural wildlife. Nothing that was not originally in the surrounding ecosystem could be brought in or left behind. This means that we would bring all our own food and carry all our own trash. This also means no soap. Not for washing dishes, not for washing bodies, not for washing hair, not for shaving or anything. We began to stink quickly. In our packs we were given a roll of toilet paper and a bag. Toilet paper is not found in the wilderness, so we had to carry it with us. Pulling my female counselor aside I told her of my monthly predicament and asked, "What should I do?"
"Put all feminine articles that you have in the bag with your toilet paper," said my counselor, the eco-fascist. " We leave no trace that we were there." Then she saluted a deer, clicked her heels and goose-stepped back to the underbrush.
I was horrified. I was going to have to carry around THAT for two weeks? Here comes in my infallible logic. I knew nothing about mountain wilderness save what I had seen on TV. There are predators and prey just like in the ocean. Bears are natural predators! And I knew nothing about bears. Being the logical thinker I am (and a brilliant speller), I immediately came to the conclusion that bears (that I know nothing about) are just like sharks (which I do know about). Hence Sharks = Bears. Sharks can smell blood in the water up to seven miles away, so that must mean that bears can too! And here I was in the middle of nowhere with a bag full of tampons that bears can smell seven miles away from me! I should have just stripped down, cover myself with honey and tied myself to a tree as a free meal to the bears right then! Here comes more logic: I couldn't keep the tampons with me, and I couldn't leave anything in the environment that wasn't already there. But wait! What are tampons made of? Cotton! Cotton comes from where? A Plant! And plants come from the ground! Except for the chemicals used to sterilize and bleach the cotton, I was home free! Not bears are gonna get me! I'll just dig a little hole and drop them in, cover it up and no one will be the wiser!
And now for the climax. After two days of rock climbing, which rocked, we started hiking one morning. And continued to hike and hike and hike. An hour or so before dinner I see a sign that says "Welcome to the Appalachian Trail." (Insert the patented Jon Stewart "WHHHAAAAA?" here) For the next 10 days we were to hike along that trail doing about 12 miles a day. I like to walk. Walking can be fun. I don't like to walk over mountainous terrain with a 50 lb. pack on my back and crippling cramps.
Remember the nicely developing case of conjunctivitis? I had conjunctivitis so bad that my eyelashes were actually glued shut by the hideous gunk seeping from my eyes. I was infectious, contagious, exhausted, freezing by day and completely blind by night. They had to get me out of there to see a doctor; unfortunately there was a slight hitch in that plan. We were miles away from civilization in the middle of the Frost-ing FOREST!!! Did I mention that I hate Maine? Fortunately, the counselors found a road on our map that we could reach in two days time. But before we got there, we had to cross--THE SWAMP (insert ominous music here).
Standing on the bank, 200 yards of swamp lay before our eyes. How did we get across? Planks of wood lay end to end across the top of the water and using the buddy system we would carefully walk along the planks, one person at the front of the plank stepping off as the other person at the end stepping on. The problem is, if your buddy stepped off the plank before you were ready, you would slide into the swamp. You know what happened. Go ahead, start laughing.
Two planks from safe, sweet, sweet, solid ground, my buddy steps off before I am ready and I sink chest-deep into God-knows-what with that good ole' 50 lb. pack. Treading water and reaching desperately for the shore, I am pulled out by laughing campers. Taking it all in stride, I pull my towel out and start to wipe the grime off my legs. Useful things, towels, I always know where mine are. While wiping I noticed little wet slug thingies on my legs and they won't come off.....
OH MY GOD! I'VE GOT LEECHES ON MY LEGS! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF! FOR THE LOVE OF JEEBUS GET THEM OFF!
As the counselor put a knife into the fire...
As the burning metal singed the two-week growth of leg hair...
My screams of pain shattered the lovely mountain twilight...
An oath came forth.
As God is my witness, as God is my witness; Maine isn't going to lick me! I'm going to live through this, and when it's over, I'll never go camping again! If I have to lie, cheat or steal, as God as my witness, I'll never go camping again!
Oh how I hate Maine.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
64 votes
5.0
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29 Comments on "I Hate Maine"
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Chris Garrett 86,932  12
02/15/2005 06:06 PM
FIRST!
YES!!
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Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
02/15/2005 06:08 PM
through Maine before I when in to high school
I see your Tiger Style Felipe is no match to the awesome power of HP's typos.
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SpecialKake 55,555 14
02/15/2005 06:08 PM
Maine isn't going to lick me!
Maybe it's the smell factor.
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Tiger Style Felipe 161,353 14
02/15/2005 06:09 PM
I rarely read the articles.
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Tiger Style Felipe 161,353 14
02/15/2005 06:11 PM
Just kidding. This one was tough for me, since I love my home state of Maine and think anyone who doesn't is probably just a Poe. But Priestess is cool, I guess.
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The Reverend Oliver Chest 203,475 12
02/15/2005 06:27 PM
All that stuff sounds like my dream vacation, minus the sticky eyes and blood dripping from my crotch.
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Cherry Filled Filly 39,193 20
02/15/2005 06:35 PM
<action>wipes eyes</action>That was beautiful, Priestess. Brava!
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millie 116,988 28
02/15/2005 06:47 PM
I like Maine, but then I don't really go outdoors very much.
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Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
02/15/2005 07:41 PM
Tres Bien !
So the leeches smelled the blood from seven miles away ? -Scary-
(If the good lord wanted us to hike, and camp, he would have not made hotels, and cars.)
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
02/15/2005 08:07 PM
Didn't you guys carry any salt for meals? Sprinkle a bit on a leech and they fall right off, no burning knives needed. You also could have just gently pushed the head and tail sideways using your fingernail to break the suction.
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The High Priestess of Stewie 58,884 29
02/15/2005 08:25 PM
Salt on a leech will make it fall off, but it's teeth can get immbeded into the skin and cause Lyme desies desisses desiese I give up.
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
02/15/2005 08:32 PM
No, it's ticks that carry lyme disease (look for bullseye pattern on tick's abdomen) and you have pull out a tick by its head. If you pull the abdomen, the head will remain embedded in the skin.
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The High Priestess of Stewie 58,884 29
02/15/2005 08:35 PM
I'VE BEEN LIED TOO!
Meh, hasn't been the first time.
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
02/15/2005 08:48 PM
I enjoyed my time in the boundary waters as a teen at bible camp. Your trip sucked ass.
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
02/15/2005 08:52 PM
My sophomore year of high school, my boy scout troop went to the boundary waters. I had a great time except for two things: 1. Carrying a 70 lb. pack hurts, even if it is for a fairly short distance and 2. I was partnered up with the biggest Emerson in the troop. Luckily, I was in charge that trip and put him in his place.
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Gigantor 12 8
02/15/2005 09:42 PM
I live 15 minutes from Portland, and I know your pain. I've lived in Maine for 12 years. Let me just say, I love winter. Why? Because all I have to deal with from Novermber to April is "weather". This consists of intermittant snow storms that drop 24" of snow in a day, with freezing rain, sleet, fog, and lots of car accidents. Let me explain why I like winter so much. I break each year down into several different seasons. I usually start in May, because that's when the black flies come out. The little bastard flies that you can't see, can't kill, but they can bite so badly that they'll leave a 1" welt on your scalp for three weeks. Two weeks later, just as they die out, the mosquitos come out. This is around June 1. They're here all summer, swarming and biting, no matter how much DEET you apply to your chemically reddened/black fly ridden skin. Then, in late July, the horse flies and the deer flies come out. These are housefly-sized (and sometimes bigger) biting flies that circle your head 27 gazillion times before landing, and taking a considerable chunk out of your scalp. Oh, and I forgot the one thing that makes life more enjoyable than usual... Living in a coastal area (Old Orchard Beach, ME) I get to deal with the mo'farkin idiot tourists. They used to show up only during summer (ya know, Black Fly to Horse Fly season), but now, they show up early, like in April, and Leave about November. So, you complain about some hiking and leave-no-trace camping? Get a life, and experience Maine for what it really is: an insect ridden tourist trap that the locals never dare enter, for fear of some dink from Massachusetts in a BMW running them down in the Old Port.
I love Maine.
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Tiger Style Felipe 161,353 14
02/15/2005 11:18 PM
Maine is awesome. There's a law against being a skr1pt k1dd13. Not really.
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Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
03/12/2005 11:50 PM
Gigator made me think, It would be pretty cool if the calendars up there, had a bug for each month .......like birthstones kinda.
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Gigantor 12 8
03/14/2005 06:36 PM
Chit, good idea. I'll see what I can do in pagemaker... Keep tuned.
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Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
03/14/2005 06:41 PM
I should have just stripped down, cover myself with honey and tied myself to a tree
I stopped right there. I'll finish reading in...um...three minutes...
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Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
04/03/2005 04:32 AM
Swamps, bugs, slimy creatures...
why did you bother leaving Florida?
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clueless 115 8
05/15/2005 07:04 AM
As a transplanted NE'r now near the Rickenbacker, had I known then what I know now, I would have been more concientous about applying sunscreeen.
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Devil's Advocate 0 8
05/16/2005 05:34 PM
got to give you credit, you took a nasty subject (body odor, menstruation problems etc), and still you pulled a beautyfully written piece about it...good job
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kingyannman 422 9
05/17/2005 01:59 AM
What the hell is wrong with you people? When the hell do you consider hiking 12 miles a day and all that other crap FUN? I'm an Eagle scout and I go on hikes all the time, but not for 2 weeks! Also, plain soap is derived from ash, in fact you probably have made it on your trip! and lastly, I would have just ripped the friggin' leeches of my leg than used a hot knife. You people are idiots.
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bignorm 874 9
05/17/2005 07:41 AM
maybe we need a bigger shovel so we can dig up even older articles
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