grabir boobi 413 8
02/04/2005 04:16 PM

I once stuck a fork in my sister's leg...does that count?

grabir boobi 413 8
02/04/2005 04:17 PM

But that was last week when I was a big Shakespeare, so I guess not.

Chance McManus 171,275 14
02/04/2005 04:21 PM

When mommy and daddy left me alone to play while they were "changing their clothes" in the bedroom, I put a tape recorder under the bed and recorded the sounds of them "changing". Then when they came out from "changing their clothes" wearing the exact same frigging thing every Frost-ing time, I decided to play the tape for them. Needless to say there was no more "changing clothes" on my time!

Dread Pirate Sunshine: Scourge of the internet 8,426 10
02/04/2005 04:21 PM

When I was in fifth grade I was friends with this kid Chaz. One day we went to music class and we wanted to sit by each other. Now I was just as loud and obnoxious back then as I am now and my friend was equally so.



We started talking and not paying attention to the teacher when she was teaching us a new song. I guess it got bad enough that the teacher scolded us and asked us if we were going to need to be separated. We said no (of course)



That's when this loud mouthed chubby girl sitting behind us started singing separate, separate (to the tune of the song we were learning)



My teacher laughed and laughed. I got pissed and turned around and with the same notes sang lose some weight, lose some weight.



The teacher even thought it was funny, but I still got sent to the office.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
02/04/2005 04:22 PM

When I first discovered my friend's parents' FAX machine, I quickly devised a plan. I did up a resume for myself and sent it off to "The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" In some small town in Alberta.



I diddnt get the job.





Unfortunately, I learned quickly thereafter, that 'resume' isnt another word for A Piece of paper with a Huge Pentagram, a few 6's and "I love satan" on it.

Sexual Harassment Panda 181,783 70
02/04/2005 04:33 PM

In high school, I had this awful teacher that hated me, and I hated her equally.



My best friend and I did nothing but talk in the back of the classroom, so she moved us to the front, but sat us together.



One day, I was turned around talking (as per usual) and she slammed her frail little witchy hand on my desk and said "I sure wish you'd pay attention" with as much venom as a 94 lb elderly woman could muster.



I looked her right into the eyes and said "And I wish you'd quit being such a bitch!"



The next day on the way to school my dad told me "No more back talk to teacher or daddy will spank!" as he tried to keep a straight face.



Later that year, she call me a whore, but luckily, I got even, because she died.

Virnomine 79,386 11
02/04/2005 04:46 PM

One time I got in a pool, and no one else could get it.



The joke was on me though, they got out their harpoons. I managed to escape, but I did bite off this one dude's leg, and they were screaming about how much Moby is a dick.

Pants 14,252 17
02/04/2005 04:51 PM

Panda, that's so awesome that you killed an elderly woman with mere words.

turtle10 42,578 26
02/04/2005 04:52 PM

No! Moby is a Poe, not a dick



<*>

Virnomine 79,386 11
02/04/2005 04:54 PM

Looks like a dick in that picture.

BobJohnson, Tiger Trainer Extraordinaire 178,045 22
02/04/2005 04:57 PM

I sold imaginary pets to my younger siblings for real cash.

Dread Pirate Sunshine: Scourge of the internet 8,426 10
02/04/2005 05:23 PM

In 4th grade I convinced a special education kid (he had something wrong with him where he was like delusional and paranoid mixed with a little retardation I think...) across the hall that I was an alien and that I possessed MAGIC powers.



I told him that I had come to study his people and that I would only kill everyone when my work here on Earth was complete. This type of talk got me a world of respect from the retard room. Man every time I would walk down the hall they would ask me if I was an alien and bow to me and ask me if I would take them in my space ship.



THE REALLY FUNNY THING is now I WORK WITH THIS KID AND HE STILL thinks I'm an alien! NO MATTER WHAT I SAY HE IS CONVINCED THAT I AM NOT OF THIS WORLD!



So now everyday before I go to work I say a little prayer to God that he should take my soul straight to heaven if this kid comes to work with a shotgun and blows me away...

grabir boobi 413 8
02/04/2005 05:25 PM

You work with a retard...what exactly do you do?

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
02/04/2005 05:27 PM

When I was a kid I threw a large can of Lysol at my younger brothers face. It busted open his chin, and blood got all over the new carpeting. He needed stitches.



When I'm feeling down, I think back to that moment and it makes me feel so much better.

grabir boobi 413 8
02/04/2005 05:27 PM

I'm just sayin that I wouldn't be announcing that I had the same job as a retard.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
02/04/2005 05:28 PM

A friend and I convinced the retarded Asian girl down the street to eat bugs. Delicious, crunchy cicadas!

Dread Pirate Sunshine: Scourge of the internet 8,426 10
02/04/2005 05:29 PM

You work with a retard...what exactly do you do?



Not one retard... O God that would be so much easier...



I work at the Retard Ranch my friend> Wal-Mart... I push carts...

grabir boobi 413 8
02/04/2005 05:32 PM

Oh, sad! I feel your pain, I worked a holiday season at the WT motherland too! I was lucky enough to work in the jewelery department so I was safe from most of the tards, but I did have to share a breakroom with them.

grabir boobi 413 8
02/04/2005 05:39 PM

Sometimes I'd toss little bits of my lunch at them cause I felt sorry for them, but mostly I'd just try to hide quietly in the corner.

SpecialKake, Esquire 55,555 14
02/04/2005 05:40 PM

<action> lights fuse in thread, runs</action>

Dur I'm a dead fish 1,428 9
02/04/2005 05:40 PM

When I was little my firend would tease me and tell me words I didn't understand one day he told me he was a homophobe and I screamed then get the hell away the rest of my 8th grade year was spent having my ass beat on the playground

Dur I'm a dead fish 1,428 9
02/04/2005 05:41 PM

get the hell away + from me

Dur I'm a dead fish 1,428 9
02/04/2005 05:42 PM

DPS I hpe you get shot in the face by that retard

Çhî-Çhî K. Fêliþë™ 161,353 14
02/04/2005 05:45 PM

When I was little I had this counselor guy who thought I was crazy, but it turned out he was dead but he didn't know it.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
02/04/2005 06:03 PM

"I see ninja people."

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
02/04/2005 06:05 PM

Once, when I was maybe ten or eleven, I watched the family's German Shepherd squat down and lay a huge pile of Purina by-products in the snow. I immediately packed it into a ball and called for my little four-year-old brother who was minding his own business on the other side of the yard. When he turned around I launched it, thinking he was way out of range and that all I would accomplish was scaring him a little. Unfortunately, with an awe-inspiring display of accidental marksmanship that would have impressed Lee Harvey Oswald, he took the full impact of it right in the side of his head. The snowball's secret center was smashed into his scalp and he went from a blonde to a brunette in the blink of an eye.



I fell to the ground, doubled over in hysterical laughter, and he went crying into the house. A couple of seconds later, my mother came charging out into the snow with no shoes or coat on and with an expression on her face that broadcast to me that she was completely capable of committing instantaneous infanticide. I tried to run, but she caught me while I was trying to clear the neighbor's fence on my way to Costa Rica. She then proceeded to beat me like she was Ted Kennedy and I was a Popov piata, an event made even more terrifying by the fact that she had never laid a hand on me before. When it was over, I was emotionally traumatized, physically ravaged and covered with angry red hand-shaped welts over nearly my entire body that made even the slightest movement on my part incredibly painful. When my father got home, I got it even worse.



Looking back, it was SO worth it.

Dread Pirate Sunshine: Scourge of the internet 8,426 10
02/04/2005 06:37 PM

My parents told me this one.



Back before I even started pre-school my sister and I (she's one year younger than me) would hang out around the house. Well I guess one day my little sister and me were eating lunch when I accidentally knocked over her glass of water. She started crying and I didn't want to get in to trouble so I took her glass and ran to the bathroom and came back with a full glass. My mom looked puzzled and told me that that was very nice of me. Later my little sister asked me to get her another drink of water for her so I went back to the bathroom. That's when my mom rounded the corner and caught me dipping her glass into the toilet.

The Prunetang 701 9
02/04/2005 06:38 PM

My older sister Ariel once pissed me off so bad that it was time that I get even. There is a fence next to our house which is just high enough and close enough that I could climb onto the roof using skills that I learned from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So, I am poised on the roof on a hot summer day waiting for movement. I hear the sliding door open and out comes my bitch sister. Come on, just a litle further......does she see me?......No....she is retarded....she couldn't see me. Her stroll outside is about to turn ugly. She is now in my target zone. I unzip, pull out the business and let loose a stream on top of my own sister that would make R. Kelly blush. She ran inside....told....got myself destroyed for reacreating half of the golden arches. the end.

The Reverend Oliver Chest 203,475 12
02/04/2005 06:44 PM

Somehow I am not surprised that the only job DPS can get, happens to be the same job they give to all the retards.

Spicey McHaggis 117,752 37
02/04/2005 06:48 PM

In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Sexual Harassment Panda 181,783 70
02/04/2005 06:50 PM

Somehow, Spicey, I don't believe that was you.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
02/04/2005 06:51 PM

Hey Spicey, do the truffle shuffle

Dread Pirate Sunshine: Scourge of the internet 8,426 10
02/04/2005 06:55 PM

When I was in little I had no perspective on reality I guess. My sister and I had just got done watching Disney's Aladdin and we were going outside to play...



The part that stuck in my head was the one where Aladdin jumped out of the 3 or 4 story window and survived by using a curtain as a parachute...

Well my sister and I had the bright Idea to try that out. We ripped mommy's curtains down (I guess they had been in the family for years...) and dragged them outside. The tallest thing we could find to jump off of was this tree in my front yard. It had a branch that looked like it was MADE for jumping off of! We climbed the tree with the curtains tied around our waists. When we got up there we both looked down with utter excitement! I guess I was more excited because I ripped the curtain from around me and jumped from probably 12 feet... When I woke up I had several bruised bones, a busted lip, and a gash across my face and a very pissed off mom. I wasn't allowed to watch Aladdin for YEARS after that...

The Reverend Oliver Chest 203,475 12
02/04/2005 06:57 PM

Spicey, you must have that bookmarked or something. I swear you have posted that, at least, 3 or 4 times.



I still love you for it.

grabir boobi 413 8
02/04/2005 07:19 PM

This one time...at Band Camp...

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
02/04/2005 07:26 PM

It was a nice sunny day at the local Floating Naval Museum. Today was a cause for excitement as the new Diesel Subamrine (sadly only half submerged) was opened to the public. Being only 10, I had run through the sub at least 20 times. I was heading back to go through it for the 21st time, when I noticed what could have been a disaster.



Standing on the deck at the entrance were two people I can only assume were married. The Husband was tall, and very skinny. The Wife, on the other hand, could have challenged the Submarine to a duel and won. She was big, and by big I mean huge. So, it was my civic duty to intervene.



"Sir" I said "I've been through this [submarine] lots, and it gets pretty tight in there. You might want to have your Wife not go through, cause she could get stuck!"



Well, I thought I was being helpful! The Husband, however, forklifted his prize heifer Wife away and filed a complaint with the Museum office! That was the last time I tried to avert a disaster with a N.E.(sized)O.!

millie 116,988 28
02/04/2005 08:24 PM

I just drank and did drugs all the time. I as a well-behaved child.

millie 116,988 28
02/04/2005 08:30 PM

WAS a well behaved child, even.

The High Priestess of Stewie, Leader of GVG 58,884 29
02/04/2005 08:33 PM

I was two and my family thought it was brilliant if we went camping in the Smoky Mountains. My mom and older sister slept in the back of the car and my dad and I slept in the really small tent. That night, I had diarriah. Tugging on my father I said in a sweet angelic voice that would be betrayed by the horrendous stench that was buliding "Daddy, I went potty." I had it bad. No, you just don't understand me, it was bad. My diaper was sagging off my hips and it was smeared all over the inside of the tent. All over. All over my dad, all over. I don't know how he supressed his gag reflex but he picked me up and took me to the showers. After waiting 20 minutes for warm water he begain to wash the both of us and I fell asleep on his shoulder almost instantly. The tent was hosed down then next morning.



~10 years later~



My older sister in is girl scouts and needs the tent to go on a camping trip. My dad goes into the attic and gets it down and sets it up in the back yard. Unzipping it, the pale wafting stench of a camping trip long ago hits his nose. Looking through the tent he finds the diaper that I was wearing that night still zipped up in a side pocket. A poopy diaper festering for 10 years, wrapped in a tent stuffed in a attic.



We still tell the tale at family gatherings. My humilation in your funny.

larkknot 3,359 10
02/04/2005 08:40 PM

One time my brother and I were playing in my parent's garden. They had some long strings tied between two poles as plant supports or something - there weren't any plants under them at the time. I convinced my brother that, like wiley e. coyote, if we pulled the string far enough back, and he stood against the string and then ran forward flapping his arms like crazy when I let go of the string, he would be able to FLY! Oddly enough, I don't think I actually got in trouble for that - maybe because my parents couldn't stop laughing long enough to ground me?

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
02/04/2005 09:35 PM

Priestess's story reminded me of one gem about my daughter. When she was two and just starting to talk, I accidentally spilled my son's bottle and in frustration, uttered the word, "Shakespeare." My daughter immediately picked it up and ran with it, walking around the house all day saying, "Shakespeare. Shakespeare. SSSHHHHEEEEE-IIIITTT! Shakespeare." I finally managed to get her to quit saying it before my wife got home from work. After two days, I had pretty much figured she forgot it.



Then a few days later, we returned from dinner and my wife smelled something God-awful in the house. After a few minutes of searching she discovered a long line of a brown substance on the walls and then saw my daughter had blown completely out of her diaper and up her back. She had it on her hands and was smearing it everywhere she walked. My wife futilely tried to stop her screaming, "OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!..." and once my daughter reached our bed, "OH Shakespeare!" My daughter immediately picked it up again and sang her little Shakespeare song.



That's when I walked in and exclaimed, "Would you start watching your mouth around her?!?!? Do you see what you're teaching her?!?!"

The High Priestess of Stewie, Leader of GVG 58,884 29
02/04/2005 09:39 PM

The day before the tent-defication. Also before I got ugly.

Pomegranate 220 8
02/04/2005 09:41 PM

When I was around four I was at my piano teacher's house. She had like a menagerie of pets, including a big fish tank full of goldfish that she really loved. I walked up to the fish tank, stuck my hand in, pulled out a goldfish, placed it on the table, and watched it die.



She was quite upset.

kermit 225 9
02/04/2005 09:42 PM

When I was four or five my parents took me with them to visit a Shaker village. As we were walking through the lobby through a throng of people I kept groping myself. Apparently to the point of attracting a bit of attention. My dad was feeling a bit embarassed and attempt to reason with me, asking me why I kept touching myself, to which I simply replied "Because it feels good!" Of course I don't recall this early incident, but it apparently brought down the house.