Open Letter to American Idol
A comedy article
by Chris Garrett  86,932  12
02/21/2005 02:26 PM 383 views
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American Idol is back on Fox. This is the fourth season that I am subjected to this lame excuse for reality television. You may ask, "Why do you watch it? Why not watch something else?" Well, for your information, I can't. Every television inside this house has to have American Idol on it. Four televisions in da hizzouse... one in the stepdaughters' room (Watching Idol). One in living room (Wife watching Idol). One in son's room (GTA San Andreas) and a television in the bedroom that has no cable hookup. You would think my wife would be a little more considerate and say, just once, "I'll go downstairs and watch with my daughters." But, NO. Never happen. I can't seem to get away from this piece of Shakespeare show. Even if I am taking a Shakespeare, I can still hear Simon Cowell's snooty British accent, Paula Abdul's nails-on-chalkboard screetch, and Randy Jackson's "Dawwwwg." If I hear that fat Frost-ing Emerson call someone "dawg" once more, I'll have a stroke. If I ever met the guy, and he called me "dawg" to my face, I'd slit his throat. I can't get away from this show, no matter where I go in the house! I could be in the attic, and still hear it, kind of like a pop-culture version of "The Tell-Tale Heart."
Here's the show. You have Simon Cowell. Who the hell is he? Is he some kind of record promoter, an agent, a hired goon, or what? Well, what the hell has he promoted that I have heard of? He's BRITISH, for Chrissakes! The only two things that came out of Britain that are worthy are the Beatles and Kate Beckinsale. Go back across the pond you Frost-ing Limey.
Then, there's Paula Abdul. Yeah...big expert on good music. Remember "Opposites Attract?" The video where she performed next to an animated CAT? By the way, the cat's name was Scat Cat. Like her career. 'Nuff said.
Then there's Randy "Dawg" Jackson. Pitiful.
Throw these three jamokes together, and according to Fox, you have the be-all, end-all to pop music promotion. Heh.
You have these people...thousands of them, living this pipe dream that they are going to be discovered, and will be the next "AMERICAN IDOL." Big Frost-ing deal. What does that exactly mean? Let's do a little test.....Name the titles of the CD's from these people:
1. Kelly Clarkson
2. Ruben Studdard
3. Fantasia Barino
Can't huh? Didn't think so. They should just change the name of the show to "Win This Piece of Shakespeare Contest and Spend the Rest of Your Pathetic Life Singing the National Anthem at Class B Sporting Events IDOL."
That's all I have seen these past Idols do.
I sit here at night, on the computer, when the show is on TV and surf for porn or beheading videos. Occassionally I peek over the top of my laptop to see what is going on on this show.
People come in, think they are the best thing since Sinatra, audition, then the three musical "experts" basically tell them that they are worse than EDDIE Sinatra, who sings on the cruise ship, and they go home, crying.
Shut the Frost up. You actually thought you had a chance? Go away.
Then if they're lucky(or unlucky, depending how you look at it), they get chosen to move on to the next round, where over the next 800 years, twice a week, it's whittled down until the next AMERICAN IDOL (White Dude*) is chosen.
*(I would like to now tell you that AMERICAN IDOL IS FIXED. AMERICAN IDOL IS FIXED. AMERICAN IDOL IS FIXED. Don't believe me? WATCH. This year's winner? A white Dude. GUARANFrost-ingTEED. Lay your bets NOW.)
These people are made to sing the gayest songs, dance the gayest dances, and for what? Nothing.
I watched for a second the other night, as a girl got sent home by Simon. She immedately called her boyfriend on her cell phone and started blubbering, "Guhh Guhh Guhhhh I...Guhh Didn't Guhhh Make It..WAHHHHHH"
Oh well, it's all downhill from here honey. You know what? You should probably kill yourself now, get it over with...life is no longer worth living. Either that, or shut up and get in line. The line for the stripper pole forms to the left. *cough*Whore.*cough*
I could go on and on even more about this piece of Shakespeare, but I won't...I'm getting pissed off, thinking about it....
Just one more gripe before I go... Ryan Seacrest. DIE DIE DIE DIE. If I hear him say "We'll get the results.......AFTER THE BREAK" one more time, I will walk to LA JUST TO SHOOT HIM. The show takes so many commercial breaks, the actual show would be exactly 11 minutes long if it wasn't for the Coke/Ford Focus/Cingular Wireless commercials.
Ok......I'm out........Idol is coming on soon!!!
Remember...White Dude.
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Side-splitting
78 votes
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29 Comments on "Open Letter to American Idol"
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452  11
02/23/2005 06:21 PM
It's funny because it's true.
Interesting Fact: according to Simon Crowell (from an interview on Conan), Ryan Seacrest spends seven hours a day in makeup. As if you needed more reason to hate this show and everyone associated with it.
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
02/23/2005 06:27 PM
It's okay dawg, I feel your pain.
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
02/23/2005 06:34 PM
You want a pant-wetting laugh? Watch the Swedish Idol!
"Yeeeerrrrjen! Slovvv ikeaaaaa noooop!"
"Hima notua feeling eet dog."
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
02/23/2005 07:56 PM
eet dog
that sounds like Vietnamese Idol
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Chris Garrett 86,932 12
02/23/2005 08:32 PM
Son of a CRACKWHORE.
It's on again tonight...for the THIRD night in a row.
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Dweezil Meniketti 77,546 17
02/23/2005 10:15 PM
This is just one more reason I'm glad that I live by myself and never turn the television on. The only crappy music I have to listen to now is the stuff that comes out of my guitar when I'm playing.
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Lamburger 33,017 9
02/23/2005 11:53 PM
<action>nervously turns down volume on new Kelly Clarkson CD</action> Hey great article!
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Chickens Come Home Mon 286,527 61
02/24/2005 07:27 AM
Yeah, but the first three episodes with people like that Houng kid (SHUT UP) singing She Bop are well worth the Pay Per View cost.
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Stinks of Mediocrity....and margarine 1,200 9
02/24/2005 08:08 AM
Making fun of American Idol, eh? That's so original! Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at us as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? God you're so funny!
Now that I've thrown in my Family Guy-esqe slam, I'll give you a clicky because the article was actually pretty funny. But don't tell anyone or else they won't think I'm cool.
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Chris Garrett 86,932 12
02/24/2005 09:30 PM
Wow.
Thanks.
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Sarin Highwind 699 11
02/24/2005 10:11 PM
C.G.T.F.M.
Chris Garrett The Frost-ing Man
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
02/25/2005 09:22 AM
Blame the English, they started it, just like everything else. Everyone hates him and rips the piss out of him here.
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
02/25/2005 09:25 AM
<action> mutters to self about Simon Cowell: "High-trousered gay-voiced English Frost-ing twat little frosting megolamaniac poof....."
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
02/25/2005 09:25 AM
<action> mutters to self about Simon Cowell: "High-trousered gay-voiced English Frost-ing twat little frosting megolamaniac poof....." </action>
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
02/25/2005 09:26 AM
Hey, four Darth Vaders in a row, $100 canadian.
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
02/25/2005 09:27 AM
Sorry about double posting. Frost, frost, frost, frost....
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
03/08/2005 12:22 PM
Are you talking about me? Because I am British, dumbFrost. Join, for christsake. The black names ruin this site's look, and instantly makes you stand out.
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ringworm 68,315 13
03/16/2005 02:42 AM
i thought it was pretty funny when simon referred to some girl's performance as "the musical equivalent of ryan seacrest." otherwise, yeah, it's Shakespeare.
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Adrian von Buttcrack 13,341 13
03/16/2005 08:50 AM
You want a pant-wetting laugh? Watch the Swedish Idol!
Ti's the truth...
The 3 "judges" of Swedish idol seemed compete in how many "promising young artists" they could send crying from the stage, so the auditions was truly wonderful. Once they weeded out the 12 contestants, I stopped watching.
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Fratberry 282,931 53
03/20/2005 02:05 AM
Four televisions in da hizzouse... one in the stepdaughters' room (Watching Idol).
OH. Frost.
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beetsworth 305 8
03/20/2005 03:05 AM
well whats more, we Australians have to watch it too!!!!
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BobJohnson Garrett 86,932 12
05/25/2005 07:01 PM
Well...it's down to a girl and the WHITE DUDE, for tonight.
DId you listen to me? Did you lay your bets?
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shoelace414 10,080 13
05/26/2005 05:35 PM
thanks. now I'm broke.
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darkangel 0 7
06/02/2005 03:02 PM
"They should just change the name of the show to "Win This Piece of Shakespeare Contest and Spend the Rest of Your Pathetic Life Singing the National Anthem at Class B Sporting Events IDOL. That's all I have seen these past Idols do."
You're an idiot. To date, all of the former Idols have gone on to make platinum records and, collectively with Aiken (runner up), have sold more than 12 million albums and counting.
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
06/02/2005 04:27 PM
You're an idiot. To date, all of the former Idols have gone on to make platinum records and, collectively with Aiken (runner up), have sold more than 12 million albums and counting.
That still doesn't change the fact that the show sucks, the contestants suck, the host and judges suck, and I'm glad I have never watched it and never will. Reality TV is simply a way of putting vapid, pop culture crazed morons in front of a camera so half of America can adore their shallowness while the other half laughs at them. I long for the days when artists became famous for talent rather than for sucking the least at some contest.
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darkangel 0 7
06/02/2005 05:20 PM
I respect your opinion. Talent is in the eyes (or ears) of the beholder. I happen to think that Kelly Clarkson is one of the most talented singers I've ever heard. And I've seen her in concert, and she is not just a studio produced voice. I'm not going to argue whether or not somebody is or isn't talented, as I said that's an opinion. I was just commenting to the fact that the author said he'd never seen any of the Idol winners do anything, when they've sold millions of records and been seen by thousands in concert.
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Bankey 70,843 10
06/02/2005 05:21 PM
Is this conversation actually happening on zug or did I accidentally eat peyote for lunch?
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