Rainbow Dots vs. Chocolate Vermicelli
A comedy article
by Livewire  78,229  13
02/27/2005 04:51 AM 656 views
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 As most everyone knows, donuts are a staple of the Canadian diet. We consider them a food group. Creme filling isn't considered a condiment; it's thought of as a type of vitamin. Vitamin C prevents scurvy, while Vitamin Creme keeps construction workers happy and energized.
We take our donuts very seriously. Tim Horton gave his very life so that we could have delicious donuts to eat. Well, in actual fact he died because he drank alcohol while taking medication and then tried to drive a car. But we still respect the old soul. This is why I am writing today about a crisis in the donut industry.
One of the most basic donuts in the Tim Hortons lineup is the Vanilla Dip. An ordinary yeast donut is dipped in thick vanilla icing, then covered with sprinkles. The sprinkles come in one of two types; rainbow dots, or chocolate vermicelli (as it's known in the industry).
Traditionally, a Tim Hortons restaurant makes equal numbers of each during a batch of Vanilla Dip. Half chocolate vermicelli, half rainbow dots. However, at the end of the day, you will nearly always find that the chocolate-sprinkled donuts are sold out. Why? Because rainbow dots are straight from hell!
Chocolate vermicelli yields to pressure. You can easily crush a piece between your fingers. On a day-old, you might need to use your fingernail. Rainbow dots? Forget it. Try to eat it? It has the texture of buckshot.
Which brings me to my second point--the flavour. The chocolate vermicelli tastes like, well, exactly what you would expect. Chocolate. Rainbow dots, one would think, should perhaps have fruity flavours representing their many colours. Sorry to disappoint you, dear reader. Far from having a delightful flavour, the dots have an extremely bitter aftertaste, probably due to the excessive amounts of red dye #2 and god knows what else used to colour them. It's like brushing your teeth and then drinking orange juice.
Let's think about rainbows for a moment. What do rainbows mean? What do rainbows represent in our modern society? That's right. Gay. Rainbow sprinkles are flamingly homosexual. Chocolate is brown. Many macho, manly things are brown. Ale is brown. Beef is brown. Dirt is brown. Michael Jackson? Not brown anymore!
No one can deny that chocolate is the ultimate sprinkle. Does Starbucks throw rainbow shavings on your macchiato? Well, they might just as well because drinking a macchiato is only slightly less queer than putting on a dress and French kissing a man. But my point is that they don't. They use chocolate.
Recently, I have noticed a disturbing trend. Even when I arrive at Tim's in the morning while fresh donuts are emerging from the kitchen, all the Vanilla Dip donuts are covered in rainbow dots. Is there some kind of worldwide chocolate vermicelli shortage I haven't been made aware of? We must not stand for this! Throw the deadly bitter sugar pellets back, and demand the chocolate sprinkles that are ours by right! This is where the line in the icing is drawn! This is where we make our stand!
I know that if Tim Horton were alive today, he'd stand proud and tall, and say, "Rainbows are for little girls. Chocolate is a man's sprinkle."
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
68 votes
5.0
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23 Comments on "Rainbow Dots vs. Chocolate Vermicelli"
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ChiČ Felipe 161,353  14
02/28/2005 05:36 PM
Awesome.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
02/28/2005 05:37 PM
Second!
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Filly 39,193 20
02/28/2005 05:41 PM
Fourth!
Wait....
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Livewire 78,229 13
02/28/2005 05:41 PM
Senor Chi, I sent images of the sprinkles to your @zug email address. Is that email not your current one?
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ChiČ Felipe 161,353 14
02/28/2005 05:42 PM
That's my current one, and I checked and checked and checked again but nothing showed up. seth AT zug DoT com, right?
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Frogpop 173,153 25
02/28/2005 05:42 PM
Look Professor Kanuk.. I know what a donut looks like.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
02/28/2005 05:44 PM
Also, I was seconding Chichi's proposal for awesomeness.
Counting posts is for southerners.
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Livewire 78,229 13
02/28/2005 05:48 PM
Nuts. My punkass.com email is lovely for receiving email, but it has been known to choke off the odd outgoing mail without notifying me of failure. I re-sent from a working email, but if you can't insert them at this point, that's cool.
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Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
02/28/2005 06:01 PM
As a former Tim Horton's employee, I have noticed that rainbow sprinkle donuts are actually more popular than the chocolate sprinkle, at least where I come from. The rainbow sprinkles are what makes the Vanilla Dip donut so much fun. This is especially true with young children. They always ask for the rainbow ones. Adults would usually just gaze longingly at them and hope I'd get the point. I don't know, maybe it's a Maritime thing.
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Xxara 1,114 9
02/28/2005 06:29 PM
Livewire: You should send this to the company... see what happens... maybe they'll put you in a commercial...like that dumb guy in university over seas missing his Tim's...
Mind you I think you should try getting on as a food critic for a paper like the Georgia straight or something...
half of the articles you write make me HUNGRY...
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furkontrabass 76 8
02/28/2005 09:27 PM
*applauds article* well done. i could not agree more. however, both types of sprinkles seem gay to me. Though the rainbow is the symbol of "gay", i think the chocolate sprinkles are a sort of phallic symbol. lots of brown phalice you people seem to digest...
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Hammerhead 59,399 14
02/28/2005 11:29 PM
Livewire, you left out rainbow vermicelli. The sick and disgusting bastard child of the chocolate vermicelli and the rainbow dots.
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Year of the Chickens 286,527 61
03/01/2005 10:57 AM
I have noticed that rainbow sprinkle donuts are actually more popular than the chocolate sprinkle, at least where I come from.
Which explains a lot.
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Year of the Chickens 286,527 61
03/01/2005 10:57 AM
I have noticed that rainbow sprinkle donuts are actually more popular than the chocolate sprinkle, at least where I come from.
Which explains a lot.
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Year of the Chickens 286,527 61
03/01/2005 10:58 AM
I did not do that.
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Year of the Chickens 286,527 61
03/01/2005 10:58 AM
I did not do that.
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The World Is Flat 150 11
03/02/2005 07:51 PM
I'm sorry. This thread seems to have a glich in it that is making people post twice. I know this cuz I hacked into the the ZUG.com HTML code and saw the problem. But I'm an expert at these things and I fixed it so that it won't do that anymore.
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The World Is Flat 150 11
03/02/2005 07:52 PM
I'm sorry. This thread seems to have a glich in it that is making people post twice. I know this cuz I hacked into the the ZUG.com HTML code and saw the problem. But I'm an expert at these things and I fixed it so that it won't do that anymore..
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
03/03/2005 02:43 AM
Mmmmmmm.... Livewire
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Livewire 78,229 13
03/03/2005 03:06 PM
Woohoo, front page-y goodness!
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
03/03/2005 09:24 PM
I could forgive them any number of sprinkle abominations.
But what they did to the beloved apple fritter?
THAT was unholy.
BRING BACK THE FRESHLY FRIED EVERLASTING HEARTSTOPPER WE GREW UP ON, TIMMY!
(Funny piece LW.)
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