Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
03/04/2005 01:15 PM

A woman goes into a doctors office, limping slightly.



She gets in the room and patiently waits on the table.

As soon as the doctor enters, he asks her what the problem is.

"It's my knee, Doctor, It's acting up."



The doctor leans down, eye to eye with her knee,

"So, What's a joint like you doing in a nice lady like this?"

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/04/2005 01:17 PM

The funniest joke of the day will get my 500th clickie, with the rest getting #s 501 and up.

PrincessBritt 4,730 9
03/04/2005 01:18 PM

A tough looking biker and his friends are sitting in a bar. A drunk guy walks in, goes straight over to the biker and says, "I saw your grandma naked last night, and she looked pretty good!" All the guys look at the biker, waiting for him to fight. The drunk says, "I Frosted your grandma last night, and she's the best Frost i've ever had." Everyone in the bar prepares themselves for a really bad fight. The drunk guy says, "When i Frosted your grandma, she really liked it!" Everyone stares at the biker, surprised he hasnt fought yet. Then the biker stands up, walks over to the drunk guy and says, "Grandpa, go home, your drunk!"

EllaL 800 8
03/04/2005 01:33 PM

eye to eye with her knee



knee eyes? what?

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
03/04/2005 01:33 PM

Heh.



Umm.. With the man in the Canoe. He has eyes.

Virnomine 79,386 11
03/04/2005 01:33 PM

I had sex with a woman once.

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
03/04/2005 01:45 PM

I was barely sitting down on the toilet in the airport bathroom, when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"



I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me. I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin just fine!"



And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"



What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking that this is way too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"



At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.



Can I come over to your place after while?



Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.



I tell him, "Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"



Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

The Mailman, workal poster 176,450 56
03/04/2005 02:01 PM

A guy walks in a shop and asks the teller :

- "Hi, I wuold lkie to buy teh bset mcwiroave oevn yuo've got."



The store clerk doesn't understand a word. "Excuse me Sir, could you repeat please?"

The customer repeats:



- "I wuold lkie to buy teh bset mcwiroave oevn yuo've got."



Still not understanding anything, the store clerk goes to get his boss, who says to the customer:

- "Hello Sir, I'm the store owner. How can I be of service?"



The customer replies:

- "I wuold lkie to buy teh bset mcwiroave oevn yuo've got."



Not understanding a word, the boss scratches his head, and suddenly has an idea.

He calls a friend, whom he never understands either when he speaks, and asks him to come over to the store to help him with the customer.

The friend arrives, and talks to the customer :



- "Hlelo Sir, hwo cna I eb of srveice?"



- "I wuold lkie to buy teh bset mcwiroave oevn yuo've got."



- "Oh, I'm srory Sir, we dno't sell mcwiroave oenvs".



The customer then says "Oh, ok. Tanhks fro yuor hlep aynwya." And he leaves the store.

The boss and the store clerk then turn to the friend and ask him :

- "So, what did he want?"



The friend replies : "He wnaetd to buy teh bset mcwiroave oevn we've got."

Spivey May 121 9
03/04/2005 02:13 PM

A lady steps into an elevator and there is a very large man already in there.



He looks at her and says, "I'm 7' tall, 250 pounds, and my dick is three feet long. I'm Turner Brown."



Nervously, she slides to the back of the elevator and into the far corner from him.



At the next floor another lady is getting into the elevartor and the same thing happens.



He looks at her and says, "I'm 7' tall, 250 pounds, and my dick is three feet long. I'm Turner Brown."



She gets in the elevator and stands in the far corner from him also.



Again, at the next floor when the doors open, a midget is waiting to get in. The large man in the elevator says the same thing to him, "I'm 7" tall, 250 pounds, and my dick is three feet long. I'm Turner Brown."



After this, the midget immedietly faints and when he wakes he looks at the man and stutters, "MMr. wwwhat did you say." And the man says, "I'm 7' tall, 250 pounds, and my dick is three feet long. I'm Turner Brown."



"Oh, thank God," said the midget, "I thought you said turn around."

jlfjr65 896 9
03/04/2005 02:45 PM

I know I am going to take crap for this, but why not:

George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school. He asks the children to give him an example of a tragedy. A little girl raises her hand and says that if her best friend was walking down the street and waShakespeare by a car and killed that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be an accident." A little boy raises his hand and says that if his entire class was on a bus for a field trip and the bus waShakespeare by a train and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be a great loss." Way in the back of the class Little Johnny raises his hand and Dubya calls on him. "Can you tell me what an example of a tragedy would be, Johnny?" Johnny says, "If you and Mrs. Bush were on Air Force One and were fired on by a missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy." Dubya says, "Very good. Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss!"

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
03/04/2005 02:50 PM

Holy Shakespeare! A talking muffin!

Teh Porn Producer 7,627 9
03/04/2005 02:54 PM

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. In walks the doctor after the tests.



- "Sir, I've got bad news for you."



- "What's wrong?"



- "Well, you have cancer and you're going to die."



- "That's terrible!"



- "And you also have a severe case of alzheimers."



- "Oh man I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer!"

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
03/04/2005 02:58 PM

<action> hands jljr65 the crap he asked for. "hope it works for ya"</action>









An accident is when you cut your finger.



Tragedy is when you cut your finger off.



Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
03/04/2005 02:58 PM

A man walks into his psychiatrists office wearing a saran wrap skirt.



"Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
03/04/2005 02:59 PM

Is a gold digging lady whom did not want to actually have a real man. So she went to Vegas to stalk an old guy out who she thought was rich and maybe in poor health.

Well she spied her man. A older looking gent who seemed to throw money around like gum wrappers. She cozy's up to him and within hours knows he is 84 and a very rich man and never married.



She talks her way into his heart in a matter of a day and the wedding was on. Upon arrival to the motel room she suggests he get ready in the bath while she waits on the bed for him. He shuffels along to ready himself for the honeymoon night. She is on the bed now. Crotchless panties. White/Red laced bra with nip cutouts. All the while thinking he wont make it to the bed before he has a heart attack from such a sight. A moment later he opens the bathroom door and proceeds to the bed. Looking all droopy and wrinkled. Barely any hair and his man boobs looked like Phyils Dillers. As he moved along she noticed he held something in his hand. It was a condom,some noseplugs and earplugs. She thought for a second and did not understand so she asked. "Honey what will you do with those?" "I know and understand about a condom but ear and nose plugs?" In which he replied...

































Well honey if theres 2 things in this World I can not stand it is hearing a woman scream and the smell of burning rubber...

erika the dumbass 76,152 9
03/04/2005 03:04 PM

A mother and her three daughters are tryng to come up with a name for her new baby.



Her oldest daughter Lily asks, "Mom, how did you come up with my name?"



The mother replies, "Well right after you were born a lily petal from one of the bouquets I received fell of and landed on your forehead, so I named you Lily."



Her middle daughter Rose asks, "Mom, how did you come up with my name?"



The mother replies, "Well right after you were born a rose petal from one of the bouquets I received fell of and landed on your forehead, so I named you Rose."



Her youngest daughter is quiet for a moment, and then says, "Mommy den why ish my name Cindablock?!" </retard voice>

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
03/04/2005 04:14 PM

"Your wife has acute vaginitis."



"I know that, doc, but what's wrong with her?"

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/05/2005 12:58 AM

From the jokes I had to choose from, I had to flip a coin between the Princess and Chit in a best two out of three.



Princess, you get the clickie.

GoBanana 590 10
03/05/2005 02:20 AM

Why did susie fall off the swings?



Because she didn't have any arms.

PrincessBritt 4,730 9
03/05/2005 02:21 AM

Hooray!

Megatron 3,360 9
03/05/2005 02:33 AM

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Megatron 3,360 9
03/05/2005 02:44 AM

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."



The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/05/2005 03:59 AM

Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."



Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and was trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
03/05/2005 10:28 AM

11. Only in America....do dumbasses post forwarded e-mails to GAB.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
03/05/2005 10:32 AM

A New York City cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.



He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."



She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."



"Well, I've always had a fantasy about kissing a nun."



She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: First, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic."



The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"



"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."



The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.



"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"



"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The nun says, "That's OK honey, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/05/2005 11:04 PM

In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.



In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".



"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?



"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".

Phuc 237,919 21
03/05/2005 11:30 PM

A vampire walks into a Transylvanian bar. "I'll have a Bludweiser," he says to the barkeep, who pours a Bludweiser and slides it down the bar.



A few minutes later, another vampire walks in. "I'll have a Bludweiser," he says.



By 2AM, the place is hopping and the Bludweiser is flowing.



The door opens and in walks a man obviously not from these parts. He bellies up to the bar. "I'll 'ave a cup of hot water, please, mate."



The bar goes silent. Everyone puts down their Bludweisers and turns to face the stranger at the bar.



"What did you say?" Says the bartender suspiciously.



"A cup of hot water, please, mate!" says the stranger cheerily.



Without taking an eye off the stranger, the bartender pours some hot water in a cup and slams it down in on the bar.



The stranger reaches into his pocket, all eyes glued to his every move.



He whips out a used tampon and declares, "Tea time!!!"

Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
03/06/2005 06:11 AM

A little boy walks into the bathroom and catches his Dad putting on a condom.





"Daddy, what are you doing," the little boy asks.





The Dad is flustered. "I'm...I'm trying to catch a mouse," he lies.





The boy says "What are you going to do after you catch it? Frost it?"

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
03/06/2005 11:12 AM

obligatory = must





A small plane crashes in the Sahara dessert, and an Australian, an Italian, an Englishmen and an American Jew survive.



After walking for two days, they are all parched.



"I'm so thirsty," says the Australian. "I must have a beer."



"I'm so thirsty," says the Italian. "I must have some wine."



"I'm so thirsty," says the Englishman. "I must have some tea."



"I'm so thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."

Potrzebie 1,790 9
03/06/2005 06:02 PM

"when you make an assumption you're making an ass out of you and umption"



this is a joke, right? One can never be too sure...

PhartSack 13,792 15
03/06/2005 08:32 PM

can you people please keep your posts to say under 20 words.



I can't read that fast much!

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
03/06/2005 08:51 PM

Phart,

I ran this thread through the Google Condensation utility, and got this.

0 7
01/27/2006 12:32 AM

'"when you make an assumption you're making an ass out of you and umption"



this is a joke, right? One can never be too sure...' Potrzebie



I believe the joke is: Don't assume, 'cos you'll make a "ass" out of "u" and "me"