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Free sexy babes. Carrot Top decapitation. Butt-blasting Ewok studs. Chernobyl extra-limb porn.
This article will not be covering those topics, but Google won't know any better.
 It's finally March (unless you're reading this from the future), which means three things: winter is loosening its tyrannical grip over the land, Ashlee Simpson is weeks away from releasing a sex tape, and college hoops are in full swing. For the true sports fan, there is no better time of year. For the rest of you, there is Lifetime television.
(Wait, where are you going? Don't leave!)
In the interest of reaching out to all demographics, this article will explain why March Madness is not just about the basketball. There's also: gambling, a chance to avoid work, and watching tall and muscular men get sweaty (hot, steamy pictures are included later in the article, for females and non-traditional males).
Gambling
Gambling on the tournament is just like any other unhealthy addiction: very enjoyable. Having bet on the games for almost a decade now, I've become psychologically dependent on the satisfaction derived from having a good bracket. Tournament-related gambling is easily one of the most enjoyable pleasures in life, up there with non-tournament-related gambling, and monkey knife fights. But according to research done by the Elias Sports Bureau, there are five of you who have not gambled on the tournament yet! Here are a few pointers for beginners:
- Don't ever pick a #16 seed to win. You have better odds receiving a blood transfusion from Kid Rock.
- Each year, a #12 seed always upsets a #5 seed. Like clockwork. It's as predictable as an ugly woman's dating profile that emphasizes personality.
- UNC is the odds-on favorite to win it all. But, if you pick UNC to win it all, I am going to flick a booger on you.
Of course, there is more to bet on than simply wins and losses. Popular wagers include the number of total points scored in a game, which players will be arrested the night before the big game, and which coach with a porn-stache is most likely to have ties to the Canadian Mafia. Certain announcer clichs ("the object is to win the game," "great players make great plays," "he is a very physical player" ... as opposed to a very spiritual player) are a deadly drinking game waiting to happen.
Avoiding Work
It is estimated that the tournament costs upwards of $1.5 Billion in lost productivity each year. But can a price really be put on the camaraderie gained from comparing brackets with coworkers? As Woodrow Wilson so eloquently put it, "you cannot put a price on the camaraderie gained from comparing brackets with coworkers."
Corey Feldman
This section isn't supposed to be here!
The People Involved
History: In 1891, James Naismith devised an indoor game of vigor and grace to keep New England lads busy during the long winter. Later, in 2004, star Winthrop player Tyrone Walker would be arrested as part of "The Waffle House Incident." That's about it.
Present Day: Even the most casual fan can identify with the cast of characters involved in March Madness. Each team has a talented superstar who needs to overcome his personal demons before he can take the court, a sage veteran who will suffer a serious injury in the last game of the year, a streaky shooter who will inevitably take the last shot of the game in slow motion, a clumsy lunkhead included mostly for comic relief, and an additional player whose defining trait is his hilarious pidgin English. According to my research done by watching sports movies on TNT, there are no other players.
 There's just as much variety in the coaching ranks! See if you can match the coach to his physical description:
1. Every coach
A. Middle aged white guy with a haircut that suggests he might try to sell you a '89 Yugo Hatchback
Most universities are aware of this homogeneity and are making an effort to increase courtside diversity. Several schools have gotten rid of mascots that were deemed insensitive (e.g. a peyote-crazed alcoholic Kickapoo dancing around a campfire, holding firewater in one hand and a fistful of scalps in the other). Some have even introduced alternate-lifestyle mascots, such as the Stanford tree. He's queerer than Oscar Wilde's fanny pack.
Finally, we have the announcers. They offer insightful commentary as frequently as this author offers analogies. These bobbleheads make predictions which, oddly enough, are always wrong -- good money can be made by betting against whichever team the announcers favor. As if gross incompetence weren't enough of a reason to dislike them, they are shameless whores as well (they plug Enzyte so often that my TV is ashamed of only being 32"). Dick Vitale is the worst of the bunch; the man has less control than Kirstie Alley in front of a buffet table. In haiku form:
Petals gently fall
Just like my intelligence
After hearing Dick
Anyway, on to the section that has kept you reading this far.
Tall, Muscular Men Getting Sweaty
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
65 votes
5.0
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30 Comments on "March Madness '05"
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My Name is Jonas 161,353  14
03/16/2005 12:59 PM
Amazing.
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Phla Mignon-dairy creamer 131,068 34
03/16/2005 01:08 PM
I've seen bigge-KABLAMORAMA!
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Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
03/16/2005 01:11 PM
I'll be honest, I skipped right to the midget pictures...
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
03/16/2005 01:25 PM
Cool, thanks for publishing this Chi Chi.
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SpecialKake 55,555 14
03/16/2005 01:29 PM
Can someone please email pe a winning bracket? I don't know Shakespeare about bball, and I need to win the office pool. I REALLY need to win it.
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My Name is Jonas 161,353 14
03/16/2005 01:31 PM
This article appealed to me for several reasons:
1. Spelling, grammar, punctuation needed little or no editting (my least favorite part of the "job").
2. All the formatting was there for me (alignment, bold-face tags, etc.)
3. It was funny as Frost.
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Ditdah 123,102 14
03/16/2005 01:33 PM
Dan, you forgot the best part of March for me - St. Patty's Day!!!
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The Reverend Oliver Chest 203,475 12
03/16/2005 01:35 PM
Where's the article about hockey?
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Fratberry 282,931 53
03/16/2005 01:52 PM
He's queerer than Oscar Wilde's fanny pack.
Oh. Snap.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
03/16/2005 02:37 PM
Cap'n Dan. I clickied your article even though the word "sodomy" was never used.
Thank you for having the good taste not to mention that Auburn got as many invites to the NCAA tourney as as Brownie Troop 85.
Go Milwaukee!
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Fluro 14,139 11
03/16/2005 03:07 PM
Top marks, I'm in a lecture and the asain girl next to me is giving me a funny look. I'm still trying not to giggle.
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Fratberry 282,931 53
03/16/2005 03:07 PM
Wait, Auburn still has a basketball team?
Why?
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
03/16/2005 03:22 PM
That's like asking why Chumbawumba has a "Best of" album.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
03/16/2005 03:46 PM
<action>sings</aciton>
I FLIP FRAT OFF!
Then I get up again!
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Fratberry 282,931 53
03/16/2005 03:47 PM
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.
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tiger lurker 19 8
03/16/2005 07:51 PM
According to my research done by watching sports movies on TNT, there are no other players.
Bwahaha
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Cheesemonger 4 8
03/16/2005 09:29 PM
Pfff, they aren't muscular, just short.
Or maybe they have eaten too little cheese.
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Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
03/17/2005 12:13 AM
GO GATORS!!!!!
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
03/17/2005 12:17 AM
Go 'Cuse
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
03/17/2005 04:17 AM
These fans are all partisan! Don't you have any neutral chants?
"May the better team win? Let's have a good, clean game?"
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Jajoba 1,357 10
03/17/2005 06:24 AM
And yet my epid on the making of mud gets turned away time and time again....
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twisat 18 9
03/17/2005 05:04 PM
Each year, a #12 seed always upsets a #5 seed
How prophetic! WI Mil(12) 83 - Alabama (5) 73
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
03/17/2005 07:01 PM
Fratberry!
WI Mil(12) 83 - Alabama (5) 73
HA!
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Cisco Clifton 161,353 14
03/17/2005 07:02 PM
Basketball was created in Springfield, Mass.
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PuggyD 48,304 12
03/17/2005 07:04 PM
U! W! M!
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The World Has Corners? 45 8
03/17/2005 07:45 PM
I find it amusing that Chi Chi changed his name between his 2nd and 3rd comments. But that has nothing to do with the article, so don't read this cuz it's a waste of time.
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Delightful Delirium 296 9
03/25/2005 07:43 AM
Interesting that the only other "butt-blasting ewok" on the world wide web is somehow related to Jerry Springer... (google it)
Almost as surprising that such well muscled men can move-it-like-they-do with an orange beachball!
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Delightful Delirium 296 9
03/25/2005 07:57 AM
On the opening line:
Back when Carrot Top was a skinny prop-totting chromatic inverse of an early 80's Micheal Jackson, I would not have minded so much that bundle of wirey connective tissue between his noggin and torso. However, now that he's on steroids and pushes Ma Bell's buttons for a living, I am not surprised at least 331 other www pages (google it) mention "Carrot Top" and "decapitation" within a breath of each other.
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supergrover 4,517 9
03/25/2005 07:58 AM
I read the first few lines of the first post, got bored, skipped down to the last few posts, and no I don't think I missed anything.
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