SpecialKake 55,555 14
03/16/2005 04:56 PM

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from



the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led

past the old



graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael

O'Grady's



grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."



"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it



says here that he was 95 when he died."!



Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to



be 145!"



"What was his name?" asks Paddy.



Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what



else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,



"Miles, from Dublin."

SpecialKake 55,555 14
03/16/2005 04:57 PM

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,

each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,

the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan

had done,"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar

of olives!"

Virnomine 79,386 11
03/16/2005 04:58 PM

An Irishman walks past a bar.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
03/16/2005 05:01 PM

Woah, woah, woah.



Make fun of the blacks and gooks all you want, dude, but you go dissin' the Irish and we're gonna come to fisticuffs.

SpecialKake 55,555 14
03/16/2005 05:02 PM

<action>continues being irish</action>

dropkick brody 43,090 12
03/16/2005 05:02 PM

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were all driving in the desert.



All of a sudden their car breaks down and they all have to choose one item to take with them as they walk to find help.



Paddy Englishman takes a bottle of water, for when they become thirsty.



Paddy Scotsman takes a picnic basket of food, for when they get hungry.



Paddy Irishman takes the car door.



Paddy Scotsman asks Paddy Irishman why he took the car door.



Paddy Irishman says, So that when we get too warm, we can roll the window down.'

SpecialKake 55,555 14
03/16/2005 05:12 PM

You know, Virn, if it wasn't for you, there'd be no pee in my thread. Thanks for screwing it all up.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
03/16/2005 05:15 PM

What's the difference between an Irish Funeral and an Irish Wedding?



One less drunk guy

PrincessBritt 4,730 9
03/16/2005 05:17 PM

I'm sure the corpse still has a lot of alcohol left in it's system.

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
03/16/2005 06:38 PM

Irish Catholic Mother's Bragging



Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.

The first one tells her friends,"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second one chirps "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says' your Grace'."

The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'.">>>

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a 6' 2" hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God...'!"

Chris Garrett 86,932 12
03/16/2005 06:40 PM

Did you hear about the two gay Irish guys?



Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
03/16/2005 06:51 PM

Jacques Chirac, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the US when his phone rang.



"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", an accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"



"Well," Chirac replied, "This is important news! How big is your army?"



"Right now," said Paddy, "there's myself, Sean, Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"



Chirac paused. "Paddy, I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."



"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to call back!"



Sure enough, the next day he called again. "Chirac, the war is on! We managed to get some infantry equipment!"



"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.



"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor" replied Paddy.



Chirac sighed, "Paddy, I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."



"My God!!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
03/16/2005 06:52 PM

Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"



Chirac was silent for a minute. "I must tell you, I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to 200,000!"



"Jesus!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."



Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."



"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"



"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
03/16/2005 07:05 PM

Seamus and Paddy want to go on a run through all the pubs in Dublin, but they've only got one Euro between them.



Passing a butcher shop, Paddy gets an idea. He runs in and buys a sausage.



"Now here's what we'll do, Seamus," says Paddy, "We'll go into the pub, order some drinks and when we're just about finished, I'll pull down my fly and push this sausage out through the opening. You drop to your knees and take it in your mouth. We'll be thrown out of the pub before they ever realize that we haven't settled the bill."



The ruse works fantastically, and they get thrown out of twenty different pubs over the course of the next several hours.



Finally, Seamus has had enough, "Paddy," he says, "I know we said we'd go to every pub in Dublin, but I'm pissed already and my knees are achin'. I'm ready to go home."



"Alright, I'm ready, too, Seamus," says Paddy, "and besides, I lost the sausage about 7 or 8 pubs ago."

rhi_escobar 246 8
03/16/2005 07:07 PM

There's an Irish man, English man and a Scots man.



They've just robbed a bank and have hidden out in an old barn when they hear the police pull up outside..



The three of them find some large sacks and get inside them to hide..



The police enter the barn and spot one of the sacks moving, they go over and prod the first sack, "Meeoww" says the Scots man who's hiding inside. "Ahh it's just kittens" says the police officer...



They move along and prod the second sack, "WOOFwoofWOOF" says the English man.. "ahh it's just some puppies" says the officer...



They then move along, prod the third and final sack and the Irish man inside yells out "POTATOES!!"

My Name is Jonas 161,353 14
03/16/2005 07:44 PM

I only know one Irish joke, and it's corny. So I'm going to tell it.



An Irishman was walking along a beach when he found a magic lamp. He picked it up and a genie popped out and promised to grant him three wishes.



"Tree wishes? Well, I'd like fer a pair o sandals tah keep me feet from burnin' on the sand."



Poof! A pair of sandals appeared.



"Second, I'd fancy a bottomless mug filled with Guiness."



Poof! An bottomless mug of Guiness appeared in his right hand. The Irishman took a sip, and then another and finally another but the level of Guiness never went down.



"Ah, gergeous!" he exclaimed. The genie reminded him that he had one more wish. The Irishman thought about it for a long time and then said, "You know, I'd sure like another mug of Guiness."

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
03/16/2005 10:38 PM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:



1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.



2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.



3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.



4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.



5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.



6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.



7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.



8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the Shakespeare out of him.



9. When David waShakespeare by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."



10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!



11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."



12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".



13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"



14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.







From here

Ditdah 123,102 14
03/16/2005 10:54 PM

My favorite Irish joke, used in another thread here somewhere.



A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says to the crowd of drinkers, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll bet $500 American dollars that no one in here can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."



The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.



The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"



The Irishman smiles, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Daggy 86,705 14
03/16/2005 10:57 PM

True story:



When I was a kid, we went to Ireland for a holiday. While we were there, we hired a car. The speedometer in the car didn't work, so we drove back to the hire car place and told 'the guy'.



He said: 'Oh, 'twill be alright as long as you don't go over the speed limit.'

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
03/16/2005 11:58 PM

Cathal is at the pub when it closes, so he buys a pint a whiskey for the trip home and tucks it into his hip pocket.



He is riding his bicycle home through the dark night when he hits a pothole and goes flying over the handlebars.



As he lies there, slightly stunned, he feels something wet and sticky against his hip.



"Oh, please God, let it be blood!"

Virnomine 79,386 11
03/17/2005 09:25 AM

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little Shakespeare, O'Conner," says the bartender, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says the bartender, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Vlad The Impaler (Purveyor of aMurder.com) 19,599 12
03/17/2005 09:42 AM

What's Irish and stays out all night?







Paddy O' Furniture.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
03/17/2005 10:22 AM

Cathal? That's a good Irish name you don't hear too often.





Did you know that the post office is closed in Ireland today? Really. I had a call yesterday from a fife maker in Ireland who wants to send me a prototype. He said he'd send it on Friday because the post was closed for "Paddy's Day."

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
03/17/2005 10:29 AM

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/17/2005 03:12 PM

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.



Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"



The others agree that sounds like a good place.



Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."



Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.



Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"



"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"



"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister five times last week."

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/17/2005 03:13 PM

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.



"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"



"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.



"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."



"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.



"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"



"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/17/2005 03:14 PM

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.



"We're saved!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"



"Sure," said the Irishman.



"An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/17/2005 03:15 PM

I promise this is the last one.









McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.



"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.



"What was that all about?"



"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/17/2005 03:16 PM

Sorry about that last one. Must have forgotten it was already there.

Virnomine 79,386 11
03/17/2005 03:17 PM

Way to read the thread ahead of time, dumbass. Check the third post.

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/17/2005 03:31 PM

Somehow I skipped that joke.



Usually I'm good at remembering a joke. Must be old age setting in.

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
03/17/2005 03:53 PM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest

of me life, between the legs of me wife!"



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!



He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best

toast of the night."



She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"



John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

beside me wife."



"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.



The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the

street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize

the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You

know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,

and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
03/17/2005 05:13 PM

An englishman, scostman and irishman went golfing. Their wives went along. (To caddy ... as wives do)

At the fourth hole, the englishman's wife falls tumbling down. Her skirt is over her shoulders, and to her husband's horror and the other men's amusement, she wasn't wearing knickers.

"Margaret" he exclaims. "You're not wearing knickers!!".

"Well James" she retorts " you don't pay me enough housekeeping to buy knickers, so I can't afford any."

The husband thinks for a while, then reaches into his pocket and says: "Here's 20 quid, go to Marks and Spencers and buy yourself knickers."

At the seventh hole, the scotsman's wife falls tumbling down. Her skirt is over her shoulders, and to her husband's horror and the other men's amusement, she wasn't wearing nickers either.

"Jean" he exclaims. "You're not wearing knickers!!".

"Well Angus" she retorts " you don't pay me enough housekeeping to buy knickers so I can't afford any"

The husband thinks for a while, then reaches into his pocket and says: "Here's 5 quid, go to Woolworths and buy yourself knickers."

At the 11th hole, the irishman's wife falls tumbling down. Her skirt is over her shoulders, and to her husband's horror and the other men's amusement, She wasn't wearing nickers either.

"Colleen" he exclaims. "You're not wearing knickers!!".

"Well Seamus" she retorts " you don't pay me enough housekeeping to buy knickers, so I can't afford any"

The husband thinks for a while, then reaches into his pocket and says: "Here's a comb, go tidy yourself up."

turtle10 42,578 26
03/17/2005 06:07 PM

Because he was drunk....







ahahahahahahahaha

Cisco Clifton 161,353 14
03/17/2005 06:11 PM

Heh, I'm laughing at the idea of a prototype fife. I imagine Whistler unlocking a brushed aluminum case while wearing a flight suit, and as it opens it lets out a slight "hiss" due to decompression.

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/18/2005 03:12 AM

What do you call an Irishman that keeps bouncing off the wall?



Rick O'Shea

Derpa Derp - a man on a mission 375 8
03/18/2005 09:46 AM

Hey I'm scottiShakespeareake offence to this!









Actually, I look like you took all the major demographics (not monkeys) and threw them in a blender.

Sylvester 4,465 9
03/19/2005 04:26 AM

My heritage is part Scot and part German. One of my old friends once called me a "cheap kraut".





























Well, I have a NEW SET OF FRIENDS NOW.



OK. It was mainly due to the reason I never picked up a check.

TheSinner 1 6
08/17/2006 11:03 AM

What Do you call a well hung Irish Stripper?



Miles O'Toole

Doll of Troy - Is it football season yet? 3,467 8
08/17/2006 11:36 AM

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



The way I heard this joke, it was funnier:

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's Peter's, not a patrick peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Pumpkin 3.14159265..... 56,642 8
08/17/2006 11:49 AM

Mary O'Neil was out doing her washing when Father O'Malley and the local Constable came into her yard.

"Mary" says the Father in a calm tone, "I'm afraid we've come with bad news, but your husband, Michael, as died."

Mary, feeling faint, stat down on a near by stool.

"Oh MY, Father! Where did it happen?"

At this point the Constable spoke up "Down at his job in the Guinness plant, ma'am."

Mary says "H-how did it happen?"

"He..um...he drowned in a vat of Guinness".

"Please tell me he didn't suffer," says Mary.

"Well, he did push away 12 men who tried to save him, shouting 'Get away you fecks! It's MINE ALL MINE!"

Chit 178,776 15
08/17/2006 11:57 AM

A friend sent me these in an email, swearing they were taken from actual Irish Personal ads in the Dublin News.

***************



Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict, interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

---------------

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

-------------

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and Shakespearety after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

--------------

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

-------------

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

-------------

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

Chickens Floating Belly Up 286,527 61
08/17/2006 12:14 PM

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.



Who isn't?

JDurSpankenZ 358 6
08/17/2006 01:09 PM

Okay, didn't see this one, so here goes...



Two irish guys are fishing in a boat when one guy feels a tug on the line... He pulls it up and finds a lamp on the hook!



After rubbing the lamp, a genie pops out, and says, "You have one wish."



Immediately, the first irish guy says, "Well, turn the lake into beer!"



<Poof!> Lake turns into beer, and the genie vanishes.



The guy says to his buddy, "So whaddya think?"



His buddy says "I think yer an idiot - now we gotta piss in the boat!"

Midgets 96,084 48
08/17/2006 01:22 PM

Why are there no Irish lawyers?



They can't pass a bar.



------------------------



Have you heard the Irish now have a space program?



Their goal is to have a man piss his name on the moon by 2012.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
08/17/2006 01:26 PM

Why are there so many Irish lawyers?





They have been getting admitted to the bar since they were kids.

Erika Le' Vaginae 76,152 9
08/17/2006 01:26 PM

Why are there no Irish lawyers?



They can't pass a bar.





Why are you trying to kill BIG's dream.

Chit 178,776 15
08/17/2006 06:26 PM

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver.



I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."





Tina Fey (SNL Weekend Update)

jaggeh 860 8
08/18/2006 10:00 AM

Overheard in dublin



due to religion being a big thing in ireland until recently the number of jokes on the clergy is some where near (n)



2 nuns are driving when suddenly satan jumps on the wildscreen.

one nun says to the other "show him your cross".

the other nun rolls down the window and screams at satan "get off my Frost-ing window"



2 nuns are cycling through temple bar and one says to the other "i've never come this way before".

the other nun says "ah, it must be the cobblestones"



3 Irishmen die and go to the gates of heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates.

"Whats the name?" says Peter

"Im Michael McDonagh, this is me brothers Martin and Christy" says one of the men.

St. Peter looks through the admittance list and doesnt see the lads on it, and tells them to hop along. "Ah no" says Michael, "gwan check it with the boss man hey, we`re pure meant to be in like". So Peter asks them to wait by the gates whilst he checks it out with God.

Peter gives the names to God. "The McDonagh boys?" he replys. "Oh no, they were the biggest bunch of violent, thieving scumbags when they were alive, no way are they getting to spend eternity in heaven. Send them packing"

Peter leaves, and returns five minutes later

St. Peter "Theyre gone"

God "Who, the McDonaghs?"



"Yeah. And so are the gates"