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My roommate is a coffee freak. Not Rick James freak, but Miles Raymond freak... he is passionate about his brew. He will hunt down and murder anyone who stands between him and a cup of Joe. Well, not really, but he'd probably write a very angry letter about that person. His conviction runs that deep.
Recently, his coffee obsession has led to a string of increasingly inconsiderate actions. At first, it was just the occasional stain on furniture, which doesn't bother me. Roommates have had to deal with worse, after all. My high school friend spent his first semester in college paired up with a mentally unstable Filipino who stabbed someone with a rock hammer. With this in mind, I put up with my roomie's beverage idiosyncrasies for a while.
As they always do in a doomed relationship, things got worse. I once caught him alone in the bathroom with hand lotion and a picture of Juan Valdez, groaning loudly. If that last sentence were true, it would be in line with his usual antics- his indiscretions had become exceedingly callous. The final straw was when he spilled piping hot Java on my bed (which wouldn't be so terrible, except that I was still in it). This set in motion my Adam Carolla-inspired revenge epic.
That morning, I had been brewing up a particularly bad batch of farts. These were beyond noxious. They were so evil that a women's choir sang a satanic motif whenever the fumes showed up. They reeked of asparagus and old eggs wrapped in a sheath of burnt hair. They fulfilled the ancient prophecies of a great, stinky beast who would roam this Earth, leading the minions of evil in a war against all that is holy. "Abandon all hope, ye who smell here," the beast would hiss.
I can't stress enough how horrible this gas was. Think Auschwitz meets "White Chicks." It would be a shame if I let something so rare (some might even say precious) go to waste. I needed to possess this fragrance, to trap its soul in some earthly vessel. "This would be easier if my fart was a VH1 rockumentary," I grumbled, "because then I could TiVo it." I scanned my room, noticing an empty coffee can that my roommate had gone through. "You will do just fine," I chuckled. I seized the can, put it directly up to my poop chute, and released my sinful exhaust into the container. The whole experience was profoundly unbiblical. I took care to seal the lid shut quickly.
I had to make good use of this unholy Pandora's Box. There was absolutely no way I could let this opportunity go to waste. I stood there contemplating the fate of my Shakespeare-smelling foulness, when my roommate entered the room. "I didn't know you were into coffee," he exclaimed, referencing the can I held in front of me. "Oh, sure, big fan," I fibbed. "As a matter of fact, this is some of the best coffee I could find."
"I love that brand," he acknowledged.
"You know, this is probably the most aromatic stuff I've ever experienced. You'd really be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't smell it." (It wasn't lies, it was just... bullShakespeare).
This caught his attention. He eagerly snatched the can from my hands, and positioned it directly under his nostrils. With a greedy smile, he placed his hands on the lid, pausing for dramatic effect. He was enjoying this. With great gusto, he tore off the cover and immediately inhaled deeply- too deeply. Nothing registered for a moment.
Then it hit him like a ton of bricks. A ton of bricks that had been dipped in poo. He staggered backwards, desperately trying to grab a hold of anything that could offer balance, finding nothing but air. He fell directly to the ground, the entire time staring at me with the saddest eyes in the world. He had the agonized look of the French soldier in "All Quiet on the Western Front" who was dying in a cloud of mustard gas. I couldn't bear to watch.
I turned away, but his horrible gasping sounds were impossible to escape. For a moment, I worried that he might pass out, but to his credit, he maintained consciousness. I turned back to see if he had recovered... He was still down, motionless. I stared helplessly at him, waiting for any sign of life, briefly considering which furniture of his I liked. After twenty seconds of paralysis, he finally moved his lips as if trying to say something. He summoned up every last ounce of strength within his decrepit body and exhaled:
"oh.... God.... it's.... (wheeze).... it's.... in.... my.... lungs....."
I was impressed. He'd managed to get off six more words than William Wallace! Seven, if you count the wheezing noise. Perhaps these coffee drinkers were tougher than I gave them credit for. After he recovered, I treated him to a real coffee shop where I apologized for my mischief. We laughed and settled our differences.
Then I stabbed him to death with a rock hammer.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
166 votes
5.0
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0 votes
0.0
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Chi-Chi P. Felipe 161,353  14
03/23/2005 06:16 PM
Oh, was it good? I don't even read them anymore. I just see Capt. Dan's name and I hit "approve."
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0 votes
0.0
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
03/23/2005 06:52 PM
If this article goes over well, I'll be sure to submit it to slashdot.
Thanks for publishing it Chi Chi.
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0 votes
0.0
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
03/23/2005 07:59 PM
the ancient prophecies of a great, stinky beast
Comedy, freaking, gold.
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0 votes
0.0
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Auzjeweii 0 8
03/23/2005 08:53 PM
Brilliantly executed and written, Captain!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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pop-sick-ill sir-prize 8 8
03/23/2005 09:03 PM
Revenge is so sweet, a taste best experinced by virgins.
Breathtaking, truly breathtaking.
I found myself holding my breath while reading. Your descriptions of the noxious aromas had my nostril hairs quivering with fear.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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daisypie 49,378 9
03/24/2005 04:10 AM
Shennanigans! No good coffee comes in a can.
...Seriously, good stuff.
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0 votes
0.0
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Chris Garrett 86,932 12
03/24/2005 10:30 AM
Holy Shakespeare...I laughed until I farted...then I laughed some more.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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SpecialKake 55,555 14
03/24/2005 10:36 AM
Hey, CDSL, Stop ruining it for all the N00bs. They may think they can aspire to actually be funny and respected.
I'm totally going to steal that Auschwitz/White Chicks line.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
03/24/2005 02:22 PM
To everyone who left kind feedback: I don't have all of your paypal accounts... I hope that checks are okay.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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BellofAK 1 8
08/15/2005 03:58 AM
OMG, I laughed so hard I was crying. I read it to my husband and was laughing so hard he got a belly ache. Freaking AWESOME! I give it two thumbs and both big toes up.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 82 4
06/06/2009 09:22 PM
I did that to my aunt once. For me it was in a bottle with some water in it. I told her it was a type of perfume that couldn't be found in many (any) stores. The look on her face when she sniffed...
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Store
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