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 When I am not working, parenting, writing, fishing, or delivering corporal punishment to my flippant liver, I can generally be found increasing my proficiency in the art of backyard grilling. One of my specialties is a Firehouse Jalapeno Mustard Sauce that tastes great when applied in liberal amounts to slowly grilled chicken. As the title implies, one of the main ingredients is the jalapeno pepper, finely diced and applied to the sauce while boiling. Recently, after preparing this rather volatile ingredient, I found myself having to answer the call of nature. After doing what I had to do, I returned to the kitchen and began working on the onions, while continuing the conversation I was having with my wife before I had excused myself.
Before long, I started to experience a wild tingling sensation from beneath my jeans, and I began formulating a plan to immerse my kids in some kind of activity that would keep them engrossed for fifteen minutes so I could have some "alone time" with my wife. Before I could come up with anything, however, the sensation began turning rather uncomfortable. I began modifying my posture to compensate for the pain. By the time my wife began asking if I was okay, I was doubled over, standing on one leg and gripping the kitchen countertop so tightly that I was practically engraving my fingerprints into the Formica. Pathetically whimpering that I needed to take a quick shower, I excused myself and awkwardly limped to my basement bathroom.
Retreating to the shower seemed like a natural way to rectify the situation, but I can now confidently say that this strategy is the worst thing that you can do. The water spread the pain to other areas, with decidedly gender-bending physical effects, while amplifying its excruciation by a factor of ten. I was soon on my knees, hysterically screaming at my wife to bring me a glass of milk, sounding something like Minnie Mouse with a helium habit. I was also mentally penning a suggestion that I thought could be of use to the military officers in charge of interrogation at Abu Ghraib (I know that I was ready to talk at that point).
Like some sort of Borden bucket brigade, my wife finally arrived with a generous helping of 2% served in a glass that I quickly vowed never to drink from again. Without hesitation or ceremony, I plunged my afflicted appendages into the container while letting out an audible groan, not because of any immediate soothing effect, but because of the shock of plunging a part of my anatomy into a liquid chilled to a temperature that would have frostbitten a polar bear. About this time, my two-year-old son walked in to see what the commotion was about. "Wha you do-in Dah'dee?" he innocently asked.
In the heat of the moment, when you are on your knees in a shower stall wearing nothing but a crystal athletic supporter filled with a frigid breakfast beverage, it is hard to formulate an answer that you will be comfortable having your two-year-old scion repeating in day care. "Daddy's dipping his ... uh ... cookies," I responded, shooing him out of my bathroom.
It took a while, but the pain did eventually subside. Jalapeno oil is, in my experience, the second most painful thing that can be applied to a human being's groin area, running only behind pepper spray, which is something I know as a result of unleashing a spontaneous act of random nudity in close proximity to an ongoing student riot in Korea. While I am preaching to my readership about the pitfalls of careless vegetable handling, it probably bears mentioning that mooning Asian authority figures armed with chemical crowd control devices isn't such a great idea either.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
148 votes
5.0
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26 Comments on "Revenge of the Jalapeno"
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Coco 1,756  8
04/04/2005 12:43 PM
First! Trust me, you have it easy with your appendage. Jalapeno oil around the female groin is far harder to get rid of.
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Coco 1,756 8
04/04/2005 12:43 PM
Damn.
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JepRep - Limericking upon request 58,758 13
04/04/2005 12:46 PM
So THAT'S why my wife made me sleep on the couch that night!
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filthy macpirate 268 9
04/04/2005 12:47 PM
that's right--any other race of riot police armed with chemical agents is safe as hell, though, and therefore pose no immediate threat to your genitalia--moon away!
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JepRep - Limericking upon request 58,758 13
04/04/2005 12:50 PM
I don't know, I hear mooning the San Francisco P.D. can be bad for your colonic health as well.
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filthy macpirate 268 9
04/04/2005 01:00 PM
anything in san fran is bad for your colonic health =O
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millie 116,988 28
04/04/2005 01:42 PM
Jep, you are on fire today with the articles!
No pun intended.
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Zackman 3,927 0
04/04/2005 02:13 PM
Hi-jacker.
I did the "hang on to the counter" bit first.
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Zackman 3,927 0
04/04/2005 02:21 PM
I clawed my way to the sink. Liquid fire mixed with eggs came out of my mouth, coffee burning me as I hit the coffee maker of off the counter. Third degree burns in my hand as I tried to catch myself from falling, catching the hot burner on the stove yelping and crying out in pain.
I finally got some milk out of the fridge, through clouded eyes and my head swimming in pain. I was dizzy, in pain and blind, I think I stepped on my cat, but I'm not sure if that was her or me screaming. I'll look at her when the pain subsides.
I wonder what my ass will feel like tomorrow
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JepRep - Limericking upon request 58,758 13
04/04/2005 02:28 PM
Was that a jalapeno incident or were you playing with pepper spray and oriental authority figures?
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Zackman 3,927 0
04/04/2005 02:37 PM
Nah! It was a habanero. Jalapenos are for wimps and pussies.
No offense intended for the female gender.
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JepRep - Limericking upon request 58,758 13
04/04/2005 02:39 PM
Dude! You have my sympathy! Had I been working with those things that day, I'm sure I would not have lived to write that article!
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Hammerhead 59,399 14
04/04/2005 03:29 PM
Your article reminds me of this.
Secondly, round 'bout the time I was born, my parents were running a burger joint. More diner style, less fast food. I have heard stories from my mother that inevitably, the new guy would always forget to wash before whizzing after handling the jalepenos, and they would hear screams coming from the bathrooms. This happened to even the Mexican guys they'd employ, so it wasn't just the gringos.
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JepRep - Limericking upon request 58,758 13
04/04/2005 04:08 PM
I'll tell you, this type of accident is universal. I'm sure I'm not the first, or last, person to go through this (in fact, in the five months I've been on GAB, I think I've seen two other threads on this subject). It could be worse though. When I was telling this story at work, our secretary recounted a similar anecdote regarding her husband and poison ivy that made my skin crawl.
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Blasphemy 115 8
04/06/2005 01:47 AM
in an octave akin to that of Minnie Mouse indulging an urgent helium habit
Brilliant!!
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
04/11/2005 12:59 PM
As a man, I have only one thing to say to this article.
Oww.
OwwowwowwowwOWWOWWOWWOWWOWW!!!!
Oww.
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stanky chaf 1 8
04/11/2005 02:31 PM
OMG even though I am not a guy, that has to hurt like HELL!!
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stanky chaf 1 8
04/11/2005 02:34 PM
Blah blahdy blah, does anyone know how to get to the computer prank page on this site??? My bro gets home from camp tomorrow and I REALLY want to screw up his computer as a welcome home pressie!
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misskimbee 0 8
04/11/2005 03:37 PM
Don't be surprised if your son calls his meat and 2 veg "cookies" from now on, or if you catch him dipping things other than his oreos into his snack milk.
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Crowley 10,071 9
04/11/2005 04:08 PM
DAMN IT. Zackman was here and I missed him/her! My chance to get back at my cheap ass Secret Santa! GONE!
Oh, nice article Jep.
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dropkick brody 43,090 12
04/11/2005 04:17 PM
Jep, I have been there with Jalapeno on my fingers and an itchy eye... blindingly (no pun intended) painful.
Now I use those dried ones which come in a little jar and I can add them to everything- pizza, soup, chips, mashed potatoes, supernoodles etc.
Oh I am hungry now...
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JepRep - Limericking upon request 58,758 13
04/11/2005 04:46 PM
You have my sympathies Dropkick. I don't know what I would have done had that ended up in my eye. Still, to an aspiring barbecue master, canned jalapenos are blasphemy (unless they are chilpotles). I'll have to keep risking dire dork disfigurement for tasty backyard cooking, writing off mishaps as suffering for your art.
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AussieSarah 8,390 9
04/11/2005 10:49 PM
This may help with that burning feeling .
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JepRep - Limericking upon request 58,758 13
04/11/2005 10:52 PM
Sorry AussieSarah. There is no way my dork is going in there.
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