The Shallow End of the Gene Pool
A comedy article
by Fratberry  282,931  53
09/11/2005 08:40 AM 561 views
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We live in a small town on the outskirts of metro Atlanta, meaning its somewhere close to the Mississippi state line. Ok, its not but that's not even important. We have limited entertainment and dining options so when it comes to doing something different we often times end up going out of town for fun and frivolity. So our first mistake was to stay in town and eat at a place called Loco's last night. Mrs. Fratberry and I wanted to eat somewhere we don't normally eat and this seemed like the perfect place to relax and enjoy some Shrimp Shooters or some Jalapeo food poison Poppers without having to leave town for it.
Uhn-uh.
We walk in and it's the county fair all over again. Have you ever been to a Wal-Mart in the Ass of Nowhere? Well, the Ass of Nowhere's county fair is like going to Wal-Mart in hell, which isn't as redundant as you might think. Wal-Mart regulars look at county fair patrons as the real outcasts of society. When somebody with half a head of questionable teeth makes fun of somebody else, you know you're in for good times. As I said, county fair...
1: In one corner is a group of women, all with abnormally large, um... butts. Like a bad SNL skit or something. You literally can not see the seat of their chairs. Its like they had grown four chair legs out of their lumpy backsides. A variation on the pirate peg leg, if you will.
2: The waitress, a nice enough college girl who thinks by rubbing her two brain cells together in hopes of creating a spark was also nice enough to seat us next to a gathering of mentally and physically challenged kids who all appeared to be descendants of Cletus. You know, retards. (I will refer to these gentle snowflakes from here on out as retards because I do not feel like typing "mentally and physically challenged" and I just feel stupid saying "gentle snowflakes") I've no doubt that one of them was named Keira. Or Scout. Nice. I can feel the ambience sinking into my pores. One of the male, um...kids is saying "GUH!" every now and then and causing the others to laugh, but in a retarded county fair freak show laugh. One of the girls has enough dental work to qualify for a Nine Inch Nails video. She also looked like she could chuck wood with even the most accomplished of all the woodchucks in the forest.
3: Two of the town bull dykes are sitting all up in a booth behind us. Our town is known for its plethora of bull dykes and they're not afraid of being seen in public. I guess they figure being in a college town offsets being in a small southern town and we are, therefore, tolerant of their ways. Hey, whatever trims your carpet, I say. They are also quite large and as I look at them I can only wonder how attractive the retards behind me must look now in comparison.
4: A family of four is seated next to us. This family features a normal looking older lady who, upon further review, had a bat-Shakespeare crazy look in her eyes. The guy that really got to me was the fat kid with the $100 Oakley sunglasses perched atop his visor that looked like he used it not only as a head piece and oh so cool resting spot for his glasses, but also as an object to wipe his ass. He's also sporting his $3 flip flops that he most likely bought at the local Wal-Mart or Flea Market. What got me most about this guy, though, is that as soon as he sat down he kicked off the flip flops into the middle of the floor. Where they stayed. Great. Your fat dirty feet. Within ten feet of me. That I can hear you rubbing against each other above the din of some piece of Shakespeare song called "Switch". I cannot begin to tell you how awesome that is.
Well, in spite of all this we managed to have a decent dinner. Even though we spent a lot of it with one eye on our food and one eye on the surrounding freakshow. If somebody is going to take me out it's not going to be without me swinging my ultimate French fry basket.
And then it got weird.
The gathering of retards is leaving. There's one girl who I'm sure is sweet and I'm sure is right up Ollie's alley, so to speak, but she started touching people on the way out. She tried to touch me but I managed to duck out of the way without falling out of my seat and while managing to still eat the tasty shrimp on my fork. This got a squeal out of her but she moved on to the next table where she proceeded to touch a small child and guffaw. Yes, guffaw. That's the only way I can describe it. You could tell the mother was horrified and pissed that this person's "handler" was allowing her to touch her daughter. Much to her credit she managed to keep her composure. The "handler" is to me more retarded than the retard because she actually thinks that her charge is going to stop touching people and compose herself. Sure, soon as she's touched every person in the place and made a poopie.
Well, we couldn't take it any more so we paid our check and left. As we're walking outside I ask my wife about what the protocol is for when you are touched in public by a retard.
Me: "So, what's the protocol for when you are touched in public by a retard?"
Wife: "Touched how?"
Me: "You know, touched like that kid got touched. Can you just haul off and clock 'em one?"
Wife: "You can't "clock" a retard.
Me: "So you mean they're better than us?"
Wife: "No, but they're not goin...I'm not having this conversation with you."
Me: "And did you see the fat kid with the flip-flops?"
Wife: "Yeah, I wanted to grab that retard kid and beat the fat kid to death with it."
Oh. No.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
110 votes
5.0
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0 votes
0.0
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Jimmy Pop Ali 161,353  14
04/13/2005 02:30 PM
Special thanks to Al for the art.
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0 votes
0.0
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gorckat 41,132 13
04/13/2005 02:35 PM
Wife: "Yeah, I wanted to grab that retard kid and beat the fat kid to death with it."
Nice.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
04/13/2005 02:38 PM
Frat, your wife is the balls.
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0 votes
0.0
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
04/13/2005 02:43 PM
Roofie, you misspelled "...has you by the..."
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0 votes
0.0
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Potrzebie 1,790 9
04/13/2005 02:45 PM
I thought wifes were the tits... Great, now I am all confused again by this strange language of yours.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
04/13/2005 02:52 PM
There is no "The" tits.
It's just tits.
Fratberry's wife is tits.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
04/13/2005 02:55 PM
"gentle snowflakes" is now the euphemism du jour.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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The Reverend Oliver Chest 203,475 12
04/13/2005 03:02 PM
Did you get that chicks number for me?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Underwhere? 101,393 77
04/13/2005 03:03 PM
Mrs. Fratberry?
Thank god I didn't write your name on my tits with a permanent marker.
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/13/2005 03:08 PM
DEAR GOD THAT WAS REAL???
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0 votes
0.0
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Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
04/13/2005 03:24 PM
"doggie paddle to the shallow end of the gene pool"
Been listening to the "Bloodhound Gang" again, haven't you, Fratberry?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Sexual Harassment Panda 181,783 70
04/13/2005 03:37 PM
I'm going to clickie you for this, but I expect you to take it home to your wife, because she earned it.
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0 votes
0.0
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Underwhere? 101,393 77
04/13/2005 03:42 PM
You thought they looked fake?
Fag.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
04/13/2005 04:11 PM
You know, it's a good thing your wife is not prone to acting out her vengeful fantasies. I would hated for her to have ended up cuffed, stuffed and booked on a charge of "assault with a malevolent Mongoloid".
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0 votes
0.0
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
04/13/2005 07:37 PM
Its like they had grown four chair legs out of their lumpy backsides.
Hehe.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/14/2005 12:06 AM
Thanks for the bump. w00t.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Bankey 70,843 10
04/14/2005 11:42 PM
two comments:
1.) Underwhere's tits were fantastic.
2.) I forgot the other comment.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Jajoba 1,357 10
04/15/2005 07:06 AM
Dude I dig your wife man. She rocks.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/15/2005 10:48 AM
I figured this would have done better? You people disappoint me. Retards and rednecks? Shakespeare's funny, yo.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
04/15/2005 11:06 AM
Dude, you had me at "she also looked like she could chuck wood with even the most accomplished of all the woodchucks."
Retards Gentle snowflakes are comedy gold.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/15/2005 04:26 PM
Me and a coworker were laughing about this article a couple of days ago when one of my employees starts asking us what's so funny. I don't normally let them read what I submit. I don't want them to have an even more twisted opinion of me than they already do but in this case I felt it was necessary. She wouldn't stop bugging us about it. Well she read it. Turns out she has...
A: An aunt who is mentally "challenged" and;
B: Even less of a sense of humor than I had originally hoped
I guess maybe she won't be quite so nosey next time.
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0 votes
0.0
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Queen Lioness 41 8
04/15/2005 11:14 PM
liek bumpxors and shizzle
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0 votes
0.0
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MaddMatt -Steely-eyed Warrior/Poet 15,437 9
04/15/2005 11:47 PM
Yes, I have to agree, "Gentle Snowflakes", is going to be the hot euphemism for months to come.
Congrats, Frat.
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/16/2005 04:19 PM
One more bump so I can tell you all of the awesomeness of Mrs. Fratberry.
She had already read the article but she wanted to see what it looked like on ZUG complete with Al's artwork. She was impressed that everything fit together so well.
"So, what did everybody say about it?"
Oh. Damn.
So she gets to this comment:
Mrs. Fratberry?
"Thank god I didn't write your name on my tits with a permanent marker."
"So, what's that all about?"
I decided to explain the whole thing to her since I'm a wuss and even showed her the photo in question and the tradition (somewhat) of female GABbers writing messages on their chests for male GABbers. Her reaction?
She shrugs her shoulders, laughs a little and says, "Huh. Ok, then."
Yep. I'm luckier than I deserve to be.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Bankey 70,843 10
04/16/2005 05:34 PM
I'm sure she's much too busy trying to figureout how to handle all the Frat/Bankey homosexual inuendo around here to be concerned about a pair of boobs. I mean come on, her husband is gay.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/16/2005 06:00 PM
Yeah, that's gonna help everything. Thanks bitch.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1178658
PlainTableTopJane 173,958 15
04/18/2005 02:35 PM
Bump.
Why am I bumping this? Because it deserves it. Reading this, I could picture the events as they were happening. I felt like I was there, surrounded by freaks, being fondled by a retard. And I thought it deserved more appreciation than it got.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Underwhere? 101,393 77
04/18/2005 05:25 PM
two comments:
1.) Underwhere's tits were fantastic.
2.) I forgot the other comment.
Bankey, I think I love you. I can't remember if I put you on my "hot gabbers" list or not, but if I didn't, I apologize.
Now, if Mrs. Fratberry is at all upset, please let her know that I'll be happy to write another message, but it'll be just for her. No more boob pics for you Frat, you fag.
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/18/2005 05:30 PM
Mrs. Fratberry isn't upset. Mr. Fratberry's pants are tight.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1179318
Bankey 70,843 10
04/19/2005 09:52 AM
just for the record, I hear Ms Fratberry thinks it totally hot when people write:
"Bankey is teh hot!"
on their chest. That's why Fratberry got it tattooed on his chest.
yeah, that's why.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Fratberry 282,931 53
07/15/2005 05:59 PM
Thanks ma... um, thanks ba... Hey, thanks!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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EmpLloyd 48,662 14
07/15/2005 11:55 PM
Very good article.
Retards are funny because they eat their boogers!
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 282,931 53
09/11/2005 11:39 PM
Cool. Al's images are back. Thanks John. Al, you can cancel that hit now.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Phuc 237,919 21
09/12/2005 09:09 AM
<action>calls NORAD, forgets codeword</action>Anyone living within 100 miles of northern GA better run out now and buy a Shakespeareload of potassium iodide.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Fratberry 282,931 53
11/25/2005 10:54 PM
Say, that reminds me...
I wish I had titled this article "Gentle Snowflakes". It would have been more appropriate.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Ditdah 123,102 14
11/25/2005 10:55 PM
Shameless self-promotion bump?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1350986
Fratberry 282,931 53
11/25/2005 11:00 PM
Now why would I do that?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1350987
Fratberry 282,931 53
11/25/2005 11:00 PM
yeah.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Fratberry 282,931 53
10/20/2008 01:30 PM
YOU'VE KILLED AL'S ARTWORK AGAIN!!!
And who are all these nameless people??? (years from now when the bug is fixed this will make no sense).
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