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Introduction (Filler)
For over thirty years, voter turnout has shriveled like a slug swimming breaststroke in the Dead Sea. Some people have suggested that this decline points out a flaw in representative democracy. These people are enemies of freedom.
The real culprit, according to some site I googled, is young voters. In the 2004 U.S. Presidential election, more than half of all young (defined as anyone younger than you) voters stayed away from the polling booth, probably to listen to rap and walk on your lawn. This despite it being the closest presidential race in almost four years!
P Diddy and his murderous crew of hip-hopoliticos are going to be very busy.
A Modest Proposal
Over the past several days, I've received countless e-mails from Asian pharmacies advising me that I need "more powerful elections." After I mail-bombed the disrespectful pharmacies, I realized that they may have had a point: something needs to be done about our woeful electoral state of affairs... something fresh... something new... something dramatic... something so Frost-ing revolutionary that if Paul Revere ever thought of it, he would cream his pantaloons.
So I set up an online advice column.
I realize that you're reeling in your collective seats right now, so I'm going to stop my imaginary fight between Chester Copperpot and Herman Toothrot and get to the point. There is no better way to access the semiliterate non-voting youth of today than via the internet. By setting up a "Dear Captain Dan" column, I could reach out directly to those in need of guidance.
For your convenience, I've collected the most common reader questions, and reprinted them here.
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Dear Captain Dan,
I feel that my vote does not make a difference. What should I do?
- Sally Jones, Intercourse, PA
 CD: Many people think that their vote does not make a difference. This could not be further from the truth! In the 2000 U.S. Presidential election, George W. Bush won by just five votes (though it was a 7-2 landslide).
More locally, did you know that the election for mayor of Intercourse ended in an exact tie? And that after several recounts could not break the tie, the candidates decided to settle the election with lesbian mud-fighting?
(Some of you may argue that this was an unnecessary example, and my rebuttal is that you are a big stinky poo poo face.)
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Dear Captain Dan,
Voting is difficult for some of us. The act itself, I mean.
- Todd Dumas, West Palm Beach, FL
CD: Nonsense! Scientists have determined that the part of the brain used for voting is also the part of the brain responsible for enjoying Bobcat Goldthwait. And since you recently released a videotape in which you screamed "I LOVE BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT" -- there's really no excuse for you not voting.
Fun Fact: Most people use the same hand for voting as they use for playing Frisbee (or strangling puppies, in the case of Republicans).
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Dear Captain Dan,
I'm sick of all the negative campaigning! There is no incentive to choose the lesser of two evils. Each candidate is a duplicitous weasel who has no problem with demonizing his opponent instead of focusing on the issues.
- Juan Coo, Gayville, SD
CD: You impotent French-loving fool! Close-minded thinking like that will prevent you from ever achieving even moderate success in life!
It has been proven time after time that negative campaigning will increase one's chances of winning, ethics be damned. When George W. Bush changed his campaign goal from "tax breaks for the middle class" to "crushing my enemies and hearing the lamentations of their women", his popularity ratings shot through the roof! (wounding a pigeon)
The harsh ad hominem rhetoric of the recent Bush-Kerry debates is hardly without precedent. In 1993, Progressive Conservatives in Canada ran a series of attack ads focusing on opponent Jean Chrtien's half-paralyzed face, with the caption "I would be very embarrassed if he became Prime Minister of Canada." This was considered incredibly tactless by Canadians. But did you know that the Conservatives were not the first to use this tactic?
Some things will never change, Juan. Like your dwarfish genitals.
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Dear Captain Dan,
You forgot third-party candidates.
- Alf Nader, Knob Noster, MO
CD: As sexually enticing as they sound, third parties are un-American! These days, any un-American activity can get you arrested and sent to PRISON! Do you know what happens to you in prison?! You have to poop in front of other people! That's not very pleasant!
Fun Fact: Most voters can't count past two without some confusion, so third parties have never been a source of controversy.
Fun Fact #2: Third-party voters enjoy pooping in front of other people.
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Dear Captain Dan,
I'm just too lazy to go out and vote.
- "The Dude," Cuyahoga County, OH
CD: This is high time for a history lesson. Let us remember the words of famous tiger/philosopher Thomas Hobbes, who fancied a social contract between men and their governm-Run, you fool, run for your life! P Diddy is going to kill you! And when you're dead, you won't be able to vote... ever! Unless you're a democrat, in which case you will still be able to cast up to twelve votes.
Summary
So there you have it. By now, the prospect of voting should make you as excited as a cancer-stricken boy in a toupee shop. So get out there and fulfill your patriotic duty. Remember, voting often leads to spontaneous lesbian mud orgies- can you really afford to miss that?
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
53 votes
5.0
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9 Comments on "The Importance of Voting"
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252  10
04/18/2005 01:11 PM
CAPTAIN DAN IN 2008!
A clickie in every tube!
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0 votes
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Phla Mignon 131,068 34
04/18/2005 01:13 PM
Can't be bothered to read it. I'm busy listening to rap and walking on your lawn.
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0 votes
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Dentyne 0 8
04/18/2005 01:24 PM
I'm so sick of the negative politics by Krang and Bebop.
I am voting for Shredder in 2008.
And to insult the Prime Overlord of Canada like that? For shame Krang...for shame...
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0 votes
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Fratberry 282,931 53
04/18/2005 01:38 PM
Ladies and Gentlemen, keep in mind that Dan managed to do all of this while at the same time putting his fantasy baseball team in first place in our league (tied with Ollie). This can mean only one thing, of course.
GET A JOB YA DAMN DIRTY HIPPIE!
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0 votes
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Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
04/18/2005 01:45 PM
I'm perfectly willing to admit defeat:
I guess the better man didn't win.
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