PuggyD 48,304 12
04/18/2005 01:06 AM

I'm in a mass media discussion class with Nerdy Guy, who continually finds excuses to bring up cartoons and anime. Recently he'd mentioned the new movie "Steamboy" so I decided to bait him before class one day.



Me: "Hey, so did you see 'Steamboy' yet?"

Him: "No, actually, I didn't because blahblahblah but it's been getting good reviews like from blahblahblah and my friend said blahblahblah. Did you see it yet?"

Me: "No, I don't actually care."

*beat*

Me: "Um, I mean, I have no specific plans to see it, but I was wondering if it was any good before I made up my mind..."

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
04/18/2005 01:08 AM

In physics class the other day my professor was giving his lecture on buoyancy laws and flotation and such. Anyway, he started rambling on about how humans aren't physically designed to float without effort, and telling us how we really need to be careful around the pool. He's a pretty cool guy and normally let's us joke around with him, so I said "You can skip this lecture, believe it or not I think we're smart enough to know how not to drown by now." He was really quiet for a few seconds, and then he said, "My 15 year old son drowned last summer." Then he walked out of the room.





I don't think I'm going to ever go to his class again.

Smart Choice 1,296 9
04/18/2005 01:11 AM

Killjoy wins.

Tabula Rasa, teacher fetishist extraordinaire 14,056 9
04/18/2005 01:15 AM

I didn't really say something stupid, so much as do it. My AP European History class went to the art museum for the day, and we ate lunch at the cafe downstairs.



I thought I was being funny and reached to steal a fry from my teacher's plate, but with it came the biggest gob of ketchup I've ever seen- onto his yellow shirt.

PuggyD 48,304 12
04/18/2005 01:16 AM

Oh man, I totally blocked this out. One of my teachers in high school had cancer. But he like went and got chemo and was going to live and everything and was back teaching for over a year. So I forgot that he had cancer in the first place.



One day we had a substitute, and when the teacher came back the next day he said he'd been out for a doctor's appointment. I answered with the usual sarcastic, "You gonna live?"



And instantly realized my mistake when I saw the look on his face.

Teh Original Chickens 286,527 61
04/18/2005 01:17 AM

I'm not gonna ever try to top that one.



and yet.



This weekend I delivered my part of the Calling of the Clans at the Loch Norman Highland games with my usual flair to crowd hoots, applause, and a few bravos.



Several scotchs later, I was walking back to the campground though the patron's parking lot and a buddy of mine pulled up and yells, "excellent calling Chickens, you rocked."



I responded "I Frost-ing nailed it, didn't I?"



Then I saw I was talking to him over his 6 year old daughter sitting in the front passenger seat of his van.



Nice mouth, numbFrost.

jclast 1,443 8
04/18/2005 01:28 AM

Just a few minutes ago, I badmouthed all fag movies that are not Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. PuggyD seemed offended. I guess he's into genres of film that suck.



My bad.

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
04/18/2005 01:33 AM

I've got a cancer one too. My uncle, who was only in his early thirties, was dying very rapidly from several different forms of cancer. He got sick very quickly, and so my family was pretty much devastated. We went to his house for Easter, since he was confined to a hospital bed and really couldn't do much. We were all gathered around him in the living room, and the mood was somber and quiet as we watched the Ten Commandments like we did every year. Trying to break up the tension, my Aunt Kelly says, "I love the part where Moses parts the Red Sea and they finally get away." Trying to keep up the conversation, I add, "Yeah that's cool, but my favorite part is when the Angel of Death comes and sucks the life out of all the first born sons." The horrified looks on everyones faces let me know that I had said something wrong.

Loociam Straw - Under Metamorphosis 97,986 37
04/18/2005 01:41 AM

I've posted this one before, but since we are talking about cancer faux pas... I was talking to another mother recently, and I casually asked her if she was still breastfeeding. She had just recently undergone treatments for breast cancer.

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
04/18/2005 01:45 AM

Shakespeare, I just thought of another one. I was out getting icecream with my friends, two of whom were home on summer break from the marines. We were walking through the parking lot when we passed a car with a bumper sticker that read "Proud parents of a son in the Coast Guard." I said quite loudly, "Someone should tell those people that's not something to be proud of. The Coast Guard is for people people too stupid to go to college and pussies who are afraid to serve in the real armed forces." My marine friends didn't laugh, and I couldn't figure out why.





Once we got in the car, they informed me that the older couple who owned the car, and evidently the parents of the ignorant Poe boy, were sitting in the car with the windows down. Apparently they had looked quite disturbed by my comments.





And yes, I am now considering giving up speaking.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
04/18/2005 02:37 AM

Erika, you need to apologize (even though you didn't know), and I think it would be a nice gesture if you offered to have sex with me.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
04/18/2005 02:37 AM

Him.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
04/18/2005 02:38 AM

Whichever.

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
04/18/2005 02:54 AM

The offer is there, I just can't promise that I won't say something awkard before, during, or after.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
04/18/2005 03:10 AM

I know a way we can stop you from saying something awkward...

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
04/18/2005 03:11 AM

Yes, a muzzle.

The Pulchritudinous Napkin 30,762 12
04/18/2005 03:17 AM

This one time I was talking to this guy and he said "I don't like dark chocolate" so I said "WELL YOU CAN GET CANCER AND DIE AND GO TO HELL mother-FrostER!" and it turned out that he had cancer.



True story. True story.

David Moss 4,125 10
04/18/2005 03:31 AM

This one time I tried to kick a rock really hard but I missed and my leg kept going and lodged my foot into my mouth.

The Pulchritudinous Napkin 30,762 12
04/18/2005 03:49 AM

Good thing you didn't say anything emabarassing.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/18/2005 04:04 AM

Without going too deep into the specifics, a couple weeks ago I was doing a couple things at once and was preoccupied, and when asked a question by someone I quickly assessed the situation, realized he had improperly followed the directions, I said something along the lines of, "I guess you didn't bother to read the directions", handed it back to him and walked away.



I noticed my employees were looking at me in total shock. It was then that I looked at the customer with the problem, and noticed that his eyes were completely messed up, and he was definitely blind.

Senior Destructor: Retired Supervillan 60,724 12
04/18/2005 04:05 AM

When I was 15, my mom died from cancer. Immediately after she passed, my entire extended family was sitting in the room, talking of memories of her and whatnot. I can't remember what it was, but someone said something to me, and I responded with "It's not like I'm gonna die or anything."



While sitting in a room with my recently deceased mother.



Akward man, akward.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/18/2005 04:10 AM

Another time I was walking through the mall, and there was a kid sitting on a bench with his family. He had some sort of toy in his hand that looked like K'nex or some sort of erector-set thingy.



As I walk by, I casually say, "Hey kid, nice toy". His mother scowls at me, and it's then I notice it's not a toy - the kid has a prosthetic limb!

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/18/2005 04:12 AM

Which begs the question -



Why doesn't TTJ get over to Toys R Us and build one of these for her kid?

Frogpop 173,153 25
04/18/2005 04:46 AM

She will. I think she said they're waiting for the kid to grow a little more or just get older or something.

Sylvester 4,465 9
04/18/2005 05:20 AM

Try insulting a piece of work in front of you when the owner of the company walks by unnoticed.



This happened Wednesday, and I was lucky I wasn't fired over the comment. Only a reprimand, and luckily it wasn't a written one.



I did, however, get some changes done in that assignment in a two hour meeting as I was getting my ass chewed out by the owner. How smoothly that survey went after the requested changes were made, I don't know, as he's requested I be taken off it permanently. It was what I WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
04/18/2005 06:49 AM

Last weekend I was at an art gallery (not voluntarily), where I was forced to stare at tons of really horrible work submitted by local arteests. I was examining one particularly bad painting, when another man (roughly my age) walked up and stood right next to me.



Trying to pretend that I knew something, I forced a conversation:



"So, do you think this style is late baroque or rococo?"



Just kidding. I actually said, "Boy, this looks like Shakespeare that's vomited on an canvas."



The man coolly replied, "I drew it."



And I coolly ran off like a schoolgirl.

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
04/18/2005 07:29 AM

A number of years ago, my company hired a new CEO from outside. I didn't work in the same building as him, so I had no idea what he looked like.



One day I walk over to the copy machine and here's this guy in a green cardigan sweater trying to clear out a paper jam. I figured he was a clerical temp or maybe a copier technician.



"I'll be done in a minute," he says.



"Take your time," I reply, "It's not like I'm doing anything productive, anyway."



Do I even need to say who the dork in the sweater was?

Dweezil S Meniketti [Electric Hoedown] 77,546 17
04/18/2005 08:02 AM

One time, during a status meeting for the project I'm working on I started pounding my head on the table.



I wonder if that's going to come up in my performance review on Tuesday.

Teh Original Chickens 286,527 61
04/18/2005 08:24 AM

I was filling in for a buddy and being the greeter at the door of our church. This nice outgoing guy is leaving after the first service and says how much he likes our church. Great! Where ya from?



"Orlando."



Go to Baptist World?, I return. "Baptish World" is what we jokingly call the mega-huge Disney-esque First Baptist Church of Orlando. Something like 15,000 attending members on a Sunday.



"Yeah" he says an heads to his car.



20 seconds later one of the deacons askes me what the guy said about the church.



Why?



Cause he's the pastor of First Baptish Orlando here on vacation.



DOH!

Chris Garrett 86,932 12
04/18/2005 08:37 AM

I still think my best (or worst) was the time when I was at a radio station event, and so was the New Hampshire National Guard.



Two of the guys were walking toward me, and one of them had the SHINEST head you ever saw.



Well, me, also shaving my head, and having to do it EVERYDAY, walks up to the guy and says, like a moron, "Dude...how the HELL do you get your head so smooth? I have to shave everyday, and it's still rough by the end of the day."



He replies, "Well, I just got done with chemo."

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
04/18/2005 09:57 AM

I can relate to yours Cap'n Dan. Back in the 1980s, when I was still in the punk rock scene, we went and saw an obscure band at a local dive bar (The Meat Puppets - they eventually scored a mainstream hit that was on the charts for a few hours in the 1990's). They stunk so bad that I suspected they were recreationally abusing high powered laxatives. We ended up leaving early and went to a local club.



A few hours later we were sitting at the bar when this guy walked up to my buddy and struck up a conversation. Eventually, he asked him if he had saw the earlier concert and my buddy retorted that he saw part of it but wanted his money back. He then went off on a rant about how lousy they were. After the guy left, we pointed out to my buddy that he had been talking to the bass player of the Meat Puppets.

Steven The Knob Jockey 51 8
04/18/2005 10:04 AM

Yeah... and last year I was diagnosed with the human form of 'foot and mouth'. Its known as U.R.M.A.

The Mailman, workal poster 176,450 56
04/18/2005 11:14 AM

One day, at my previous job, a meeting was scheduled for the entire department, so that the new vice-president, who arrived that same day, could introduce himself to his employees. An hour before the meeting, I was in the board room setting up a laptop and a videoprojector that the VP was going to use to show us the new internal organization of the IT department. A guy enters the board room and asks me if I know where to find a network cable. It was pretty common for us to see people from all over the building to come see us with technical requests instead of using the telephone, but I really had no time to deal with this guy, as I was working for the new VP. So I just blurted out:



- "A network cable? Hell, that's rarer than pope's Shakespeare around here!"



The guys laughs, and leaves without insisting. I go back to setting up the VP's computer for the meeting. I open the Powerpoint presentation that he will be giving. On the first page of the presentation, there is a picture of the new VP.



Then I went looking for a network cable.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/18/2005 11:27 AM

You know, off the top of my head I can't really think if any time I've ever really put my foot in my mouth.



That has to change.







HEY BOBJOHNSON YOUR MOTHER IS SO FAT SHE KEEPS HER DIAPHRAM IN A PIZZA BOX!!!

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/18/2005 11:28 AM

One time I made fun of this dude's mother and then I actually read the thread and found out his mother was dead.



Talk about awkward.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
04/18/2005 11:44 AM

Read the thread more carefully next time and it won't be as awkward.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
04/18/2005 11:45 AM

I used to work with a 5'3, 250lb.+- woman. She (Rhonda) was really a nice lady which made this doubly awkward for me. She had been absent from work for about a month.



Me: "Hey Rhonda! Where have you been? I haven't seen you in about a month."

Rhonda: (Beaming) "I just had a baby!"

Me: "A BABY!? WOW! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"



The situation was further aggrivated by me clasping my hand over my mouth and a co-worker (Carl) saying "Oh Shakespeare! HAHAHAHAHA!"



(bastard)

Chi(Chi) + Felipe = Awesome 161,353 14
04/18/2005 11:56 AM

I mentioned this before, but when I worked retail there was a girl who was pregnant with twins. Anyway, she was away from work for about three months and when she came back I asked her how the twins were doing. Turns out, they don't give three months for maternity leave, they give three months when you need to mourn the death of your week-old twin babies.

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
04/18/2005 12:10 PM

NoKey, your faux pas was better than the other way around, when you ask someone when they're due and they aren't even Frost-ing pregnant...



Like the hotel clerk in Utah who asked me that. I wasn't thinking quickly or instead of saying "I'm not" I'd have replied "Since I'm not pregnant, I must be just incredibly fat you insensitive bastard." His answer was "Oh. Well we get a lot of pregnant women in here." What the hell?



I bet he's posting his foot-in-mouth story on some website right now.

The Reverend Oliver Chest 203,475 12
04/18/2005 12:11 PM

Last year, my friends dad took me, my friend, and her man to a baseball game. We decided to grab a bite to eat before hand, even though we were a little short on time.



The bill comes, and Dad offers to pay the bill, so we don't have to wait for them to run 3 different cards.



As we were leaving, we thanked him for buying dinner. I said "To even it up, I'll buy you a beer or two at the game."



Oh, did I forget to mention that my friend is Camie and that she is in fact half Injun? Her dad is full Injun, which in fact makes him an alcoholic. And he has been sober for the past 20 years or so. And I have known Camie for about 15 years, and am full aware of her dad's situation.



So there was a bit of an awkward silence.

Fratberry 282,931 53
04/18/2005 12:21 PM

Her dad is Suicide Ranger?

The Reverend Oliver Chest 203,475 12
04/18/2005 12:22 PM

...then he scalped me.

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
04/18/2005 12:33 PM

Last Tuesday, during lunch, I asked for an extra toMAto, and the lunch lady said, "Here is your toMAHto."



Boy was my face red. How ironic.





Ever since then, though, whenever we see each other we just laugh. Oh how we laugh.



Good times.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
04/18/2005 12:33 PM

"...then he scalped me."



Wait. How did you get into the baseball game if he sold your ticket illegally?

Mr. Sir 66,718 9
04/18/2005 12:36 PM

A coworker had a huge tumor in his stomach. He told us all that that it was as big as a cantaloupe.



I said, "Meh, I've seen bigger."





Inappropriate and grossly callous? Yeah, probably.

crackhead 427 8
04/18/2005 01:21 PM

my brother has really thin hair and not a lot of it. my dad's bald so i guess that's what he gets to look forward to. i hadn't seen him for awhile and i saw him for the first time in about month and a half...



me: whoa! omg, what happened to all your hair? are you going bald?

bro: no...but i dyed it brown. hair dye kinda thins out your hair.

me: (finally seeing the hints of brown) oh yeaaaah...uhhh... it looks...good...



you get away with saying a lot of dumb things using the sibling clause.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
04/18/2005 01:21 PM

This weekend at the Rave Club, I was taking a smoke break outside the front door, Checking ID's.



This one guy was having a smoke too before he came inside, Whatever, I thought nothing of it.



Along comes a Bum. Old. Native. Dirty. Smelly. Drunk.

I picked up a half-empty discarded water bottle from next to me, dumped it out and handed it to him.



He took that as reason to start talking to us.



"Blah blah blah I see you have tattoos. Its all about the pain.. blah blah blah.. Yeah I'm drunk.. blah blah.. Cant feel much.. blah.. I didn't even get mad at those young punks that did this."



With that, He holds up his hand and is missing his left Ring and Middle fingers from the knuckle up.

"Thats okay, I told those young punks 'hey man, its alright.. we're cool' and they--".



During this time, I broke away from the entralling conversation to do my job and check out some young lovelies' identifications. The apparent conversation between the Bum and the other guy next to me was



Guy: "Yeah? What does a finger go for you figure? 20,000?"

bum: "I got $50."

Guy: "I didn't get Shakespeare for these."

As he held up his hand, All fingers severed except his pinkie, which was bent badly. It looked like it was trying to escape from his hand and go join up with his elbow.



I finished doing what I was doing enough to witness the spectacle of this Disfigured Hand Show-N-Tell.



"Woah. Dudes, can you watch this door for me? I'll be back in 20 seconds.



Keep count."



And I ran inside knowing fully well that those two wont get past 19.