The World's Largest Burger
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  128,751  73
04/30/2005 01:37 AM 6183 views
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 A few months back, I found myself dining in a Chili's restaurant, and next to the table was a little "Build Your Own Burger" card. By checking off the appropriate items -- and there were a lot of items -- you could create an entirely new hamburger not found on their menu, and perhaps never before eaten on Planet Earth. I thought it would be funny to check off every single item on the card, and then try to eat the resulting mutant sandwich.
I decided to return to Chili's at a later date, properly starved, and try my experiment to create the world's largest burger. Today was the day. I invited my co-worker Todd Bairstow, a man with a hunger for meat, and a thirst for adventure.
Chili's tagline is "Live a little." I'm not sure how eating at an utterly undistinguished chain restaurant equals "living a little," but maybe some people have lower standards. To me, "living a little" would involve traveling to Jamaica and smoking down a doobie the size of a polliwog. But today we really were going to live a little, compliments of Chili's.
I ordered Todd to play it straight. I had it scripted. The waitress came to the table and asked if we were ready to order.
"I'll have a burger," I began, reading from my list. "With extra meat." This meant the burger would come with a full pound of beef.
"OK," she said, scribbling on her pad.
"With mayo."
"OK."
"And mustard."
"OK."
"Diced onions."
"OK."
"Pickles."
"OK."
"Shredded lettuce."
"OK."
"And tomato."
"Got it."
"For cheese, I'd like aged cheddar."
"OK."
"And American."
"OK."
"And Provolone."
"OK."
"And aged Swiss."
"OK."
"And Monterey jack."
"OK." Not even raising an eyebrow.
"Then for sauces, I'd like BBQ sauce."
"OK."
"And chipotle pepper sauce." I pronounced it incorrectly.
"Chi-POAT-le sauce, OK," she corrected me.
"And do you have that tangy BBQ sauce as well?"
"Yes."
"All three sauces, then."
"OK."
"Then I'd like Awesome Blossom Strings." (These are fried onions they place on top of the burger, in case the regular onions aren't enough.)
"OK."
"Sauteed mushrooms."
"OK."
"Blue cheese crumbles." I was really having a hard time not losing it. Todd was ready to explode.
"OK."
"Applewood smoked bacon."
"OK."
"And ranch dressing, if you've got it."
"OK. Is that it?"
"Unless there's anything else we can throw on there," I said.
No reaction at all. The woman was a robot. "And you, sir?" She turned to Todd.
"Same thing," said Todd. "Minus the Awesome Blossom Strings."
"He's watching his figure," I explained.
Not even a smile. Clearly the waitress needed to Live a Little(TM).
"Oh, and we're in a bit of a hurry," I added.
"I'll put these right in," she said, and rushed off.
Todd and I were dying. I peeked around the corner and saw several waitresses congregating around the register, trying to figure out how to punch in the order. You could see the computer starting to smoke.
The excitement was building. I had fasted for the entire morning, preparing myself for this moment. Todd had starved himself for a full twenty-six minutes before the meal. We chatted for a while. Todd flagged down the waitress and asked her for some wings while we waited. "This is taking too long," he grumbled.
"Dude, they're still taking bids from contractors on this burger," I explained.
Finally, a small forklift drove through the kitchen door, carrying our meals. A picture is worth a thousand bites:
Note the hamburger cannot even stand up under its own weight, toppling to one side like a poorly-constructed windmill. Please refer to the ketchup bottle in the background for a sense of its scale. It was just a volcano of food, erupting a lava of hot condiments down the side.
The moment came to take the first bite. Since the burger was nearly a foot high, I had no idea how I was going to do this. Like a snake dislocating its jaw to swallow a rat, I somehow managed to stuff the entire thing in my mouth.
"Now I know what a porno star feels like," I mumbled, a gravy of sauce dripping down my beard.
And you know what? I have to admit, the burger was pretty good. Except for the meat being overcooked (Chili's will cook its burgers three ways: well-done, medium well, and "don't sue us"), it was one of the better sandwiches I've had in a while.
At least for the first 15 minutes. Halfway through the burger, I started to slow down. "Sweet Lord," I complained, "This is like trying to eat a cow hit by a produce truck."
"My plate looks like a roach coach exploded in a mustard factory," Todd observed.
By this point, the burger looked like something out of a John Carpenter film. It was not easy to be eating mutant zombie flesh, even with the cheese.
"I'm having a hard time here," I said a few minutes later.
"I'm getting the meat sweats," Todd said, dabbing at his forehead with a filthy napkin.
This was a war. Covered in fluids and flesh, we determined to slog it through. With great difficulty, I finished the rest of the burger, including the quarter-pound of loose condiments that had dripped onto the plate. Scooping that mess into my mouth was the worst part: a greasy casserole of bacon, oily mushrooms, and fried onions.
"Boo-yaaaah," I moaned, stuffing the last bite into my swollen maw. I had a headache and drymouth, and I felt dizzy. But as Todd is my witness, I finished it. I ate the living Shakespeare out of that burger.
Todd nodded toward the giant pile of toppings he had scraped into his basket. "Dude, I'm throwing in the towel," he said.
"I'm throwing up," I proclaimed, then went into the Chili's restroom and did exactly that.
Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just Todd's leftover toppings. But still, I think it sums up the experience pretty well.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot Comedy, is an author, speaker, and former editor of Bon Appetit. Past articles >>
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Side-splitting
208 votes
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1 votes
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gorckat 41,132  13
04/30/2005 01:45 AM
Frost-ing brilliant.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Rаt 2,085 9
04/30/2005 01:48 AM
You are one sick man, or at least you will be for a couple of days.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Dr. McRib 13,155 9
04/30/2005 01:56 AM
That sounds like one seriously good burger.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Virnomine 79,386 11
04/30/2005 02:10 AM
This is like trying to eat a cow hit by a produce truck
I don't think I'll hear a better line all year. You should win the Pulitzer.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Napkin & Napalm 30,762 12
04/30/2005 02:18 AM
filthy napkin
Bitch.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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TheWetLlama 10 8
04/30/2005 02:21 AM
I've been a waiter at chilis for over 3 years now. I remember when the first day that that promotion was out. we had a contest among all the guys that worked there, who could eat the "Everything-Under-Heaven-Burger" the fastest. Now we held this contest BEFORE we opened. Now you try waiting tables for 8 hours in a busy restaraunt after pluggin your colon with a 3.1 lb (we weighed it on the meat scale... ya know to keep it fair) burger in under 60 seconds.... ooh im getting sick again just thinking about it.... you'll have to excuse me....
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
04/30/2005 02:39 AM
I ate the living Shakespeare out of that burger.
I want that etched into my tombstone.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
04/30/2005 02:54 AM
meh. I've seen bigger.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Lamburger 33,017 9
04/30/2005 02:58 AM
I bet you couldn't eat the 72 oz steak at the Big Texan in Amarillo.
But I'd love to see you try!
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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(In)Sane Lovio 7 9
04/30/2005 10:58 AM
That's a big burger. I sue you for making me hungry too. :O
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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qwqwqw 7 9
04/30/2005 01:26 PM
Funniest. Article. Evaaaaaa.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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TableTopJane-I don't use jelly 173,958 15
04/30/2005 01:33 PM
Wow, John. That was funny as Hell. Also, you've never been more attractive than you are right. now.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/30/2005 02:55 PM
I suggest you go to a 311 show and take the "Milk Challenge".
They'll pay you $311 if you can drink a gallon of whole milk in 15 minutes without puking.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Jopeck 395 8
04/30/2005 03:38 PM
This is further proof that you are the man, Mr. Hargrave
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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firelizard 1,191 12
04/30/2005 04:04 PM
that is just awful. You should weigh a ton.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Lost Sparrow 100 9
04/30/2005 04:58 PM
Me and two other guys went to Taco Bell one time, drove through the drive-thru, and ordered 3 "Grande Meals" which contains either 10 tacos or burrito. When we told the lady this, she responded, "Hold on one second, let me go get my manager." A minute later this middle-eastern guy came on the speaker saying, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve busses through the drive though. You all will have to come inside." What made it worth it was the look on his face when all 3 of us walked inside adn ate all thre grande meals in the store. All three of us are between 6'0 and 6'3 and between 140 and 160 lbs. woot for skinny guys.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Occams Opus 43 8
04/30/2005 05:41 PM
Its amazing that they added fries to the burger on the side of the plate given the size of the burger itself. By the way, how much did that cost?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Hammerhead is in mourning. 59,399 14
04/30/2005 05:57 PM
I have been searching, unsucessfully, for a link to something we've made fun of; that kid last year or so that posted pics of him going to In 'N Out Burger and getting something like 20 extra meat patties on his burger, and grotesquely eating every single one.
That would have to be the biggest burger I've heard of, next to that six pound thing mentioned above.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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One Mile Wide 83 9
05/01/2005 01:13 AM
Judging by the one photo of Hargave it looks like he made it to Jamaica after all.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Frogpop 173,153 25
05/01/2005 02:19 AM
I miss the Jalapeno Jack Burger.. they took it off the menu 3 years ago.
:(
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Speckled_Hand (Goodman Jones) 46 8
05/01/2005 12:51 PM
One of the guys I play D&D (yes) with has a new habit of waiting until others decide on what they want to eat, and are about to leave to pick up food. Then he shoves a handful of bills and coins into their hands and says 'just get me a burger'. First time he did this, knowing his usual order of a Triple Combo at Wendy's, he got a burger with 6 patties.
Last week he got 9.
We've told him it goes up in multiples of 3 from here.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
05/02/2005 03:14 PM
More 6 lb burger.
and a couple of In & Out Burgers. Thank you Collegehumor.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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newwave 45,912 10
05/04/2005 02:55 AM
Good thing John isn't susceptible to burger envy.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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schnooky34 5 8
05/04/2005 06:37 AM
I am certain Mr. Hargrave knows about the 15 pound burger.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Waking Dreamer 6 8
05/07/2005 10:47 PM
John Hargrave kind of looks like a stoned, burger-loving Edward Norton.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Connie Snuffaluffago 10 8
05/12/2005 03:20 PM
I'm impressed that you actually finished that thing! However if you really want a challenge try the REAL biggest burger in the world. It's Denny's Beer Barrel Pub near my hometown in Pennsylvania. They serve a 15 pound burger. If you finiShakespeare the owner picks up the tab of the $30 dollar beast.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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newwave 45,912 10
05/12/2005 03:57 PM
Did you create an account just to say that?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Rocket Negro 124 9
05/13/2005 05:00 AM
John, you have inspired me to live a little.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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OttoVonMetternich 5 7
06/05/2005 10:41 PM
wow john, i'm impressed, and this coming from the kid who fit 19 jet puffed marshmellows into his mouth while drinking a can of root beer, and yeah, what about the guacamole?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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gwallaia 3,510 12
06/05/2005 11:11 PM
What did you have for dessert?
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Mwahiy 5,425 9
06/06/2005 05:03 PM
Damn puss didn't even eat his fries...
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Funny
6 votes
3.2
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TopHatSnake 3,404 10
10/20/2009 05:38 PM
I thought it was pretty impressive john puked a whole tomato slice. then I found out it was lies
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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TimmyTheTalkingToilet 11,593 15
10/27/2009 11:15 AM
Well outside of Sidney Iowa, at the Sapp Brothers truck stop, they have a 9LB breakfast skillet that you have to eat within an hour or they charge you the 45 bucks it costs.
I know that I do some dangerous Frosted up things to my body, but there is no way in hell I'm gonna try that.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 6,348 4
10/27/2009 12:04 PM
... they have a 9LB breakfast skillet that you have to eat within an hour or they charge you the 45 bucks it costs.
9 lbs. sounds like it must be made out of cast iron. I'd like to see someone eat an entire 9 pound, cast iron skillet period. The one hour time limit is just ridiculous and setting the bar way too high.
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0 votes
0.0
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TimmyTheTalkingToilet 11,593 15
10/27/2009 12:10 PM
Yeah. but you had to eat the food inside of the skillet instead. On the sign outside I don't remember everything in the skillet, but it did include a pound of bacon, two pounds of sausage, and a dozen eggs.
Funny thinking about this though, the world of competitive eating was banned by the Guiness book becuase they didn't want to be held liable for any health issues on the fact that somebody would die due to choking, clogged arteries or bleeding to death from a torn O ring after the fact. And yet it's coming back anyhow.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Count Fucksockula 1,133 3
10/27/2009 12:23 PM
I'd be impressed if for your next prank you ate the worlds largest furburger, you know, the one served with a prawn..
Make sure to include plenty of photos..
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Night of the Living Ravos 63,467 21
10/27/2009 01:46 PM
I'd hit that burger...
...with my mouth.
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0 votes
0.0
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CrewingBizUa 0 3
10/28/2009 03:33 AM
It's actual diamond
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Tweak 18,881 12
08/16/2011 04:16 AM
But as Todd is my witness, I finished it.
Did you take Todd with you purely so you could make that joke?
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Fratberry 282,940 53
08/18/2011 03:12 PM
And that reminded me of this.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 282,940 53
08/18/2011 04:13 PM
Anyone else get turned on by KChiki shoving anything into her mouth? No? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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SIV Attacks the Darknss! 13,606 16
08/18/2011 05:08 PM
IF John were to do this now he'd probably wind up with his own show on the Travel Channel.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Drewcifer CDXX 46,324 58
08/18/2011 08:07 PM
My wife likes to watch those shows. I want to ask her, "What channel has the shows with the people who are starving?"
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
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Drewcifer CDXX 46,324 58
08/18/2011 08:08 PM
I just asked her and she said 'America's Next Top Model'.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Mr. Mike 11,439 21
08/18/2011 08:15 PM
my experience with the Bacon Slam Burger at Denny's.
yeah Yeah YEAH YEAH YEAH
EAT THAT MEAT!
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Mr. Mike 11,439 21 channeling Homer Simpson
08/18/2011 08:16 PM
SWALLOW!
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