Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
05/03/2005 11:54 AM

Do not spend time alone with Uncle Ollie.

daisypie 49,378 9
05/03/2005 11:54 AM

Your daughter Bethany is going to have a BIG future in internet porn, Nerd. You should be more supportive...

Nerd, Lead Bigot of HFCRC 27,000 12
05/03/2005 11:57 AM

Future daughter, and I'll show you supportive!



*shakes fist*

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 12:02 PM

Definately the armpit fart noise.

HisBoyElroy 10,621 13
05/03/2005 12:14 PM

i'm going to teach my drooler to give a thumbs down every time they meet a new person.

Miniver 2,334 9
05/03/2005 01:45 PM

My kid must have read Nerd's list. When my son was three, he saw a lady smoking at a playground. He said, very loudly, "Mom, that lady is SMOKING! That's BAD and she's going to DIE, right?"





Kids....there's nothing like 'em.

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 01:51 PM

I'm going to teach my daughters to use their bodies to their advantage. Expect another slut like Jane from the oldest and the best damn guilt trip giver from the little one.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
05/03/2005 01:54 PM

I'm going to teach my kids the art of silent farting in public.

Fart quietly, walk away, laugh at the vomit spewing from the old lady's mouth when she makes the mistake of walking through the toxic cloud.

BobJohnson, Pope of Tralfamadore 178,045 22
05/03/2005 01:58 PM

I'm going to teach my kids how to build fusion bombs and, also, that they should stand up to bullies.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 01:59 PM

.... with fusion bombs.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 02:03 PM

The things i'll be able to teach my kids they should already know..



Diaper Shakespeare-ing 101.

Advanced nose picking.

And of course, Which crayons taste the best.

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 02:06 PM

I'm taking parenting one day at a time. Every day, something comes up that I didn't know I'd have to face. I hope I teach my daughters to laugh. And to forgive. And that just because a boy wants to have sex with you, it doesn't mean they like you (I was 25 before I really got that through my head).



My mother is a nurse, and yet I never got the "sex talk". I plan on having one with my girls, and loooong before it becomes an issue in their teen years. During the sex talk, I'll be sure to use the word that was never mentioned in my house. Masturbation.





</serious>



Poop.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
05/03/2005 02:11 PM

I taught my kid to speak jive.



I win.

Zippies Drainage 2,735 9
05/03/2005 02:12 PM

I'll teach my kids to befriend crazy old scientists so they can go back in time and see to it that I'm not a loser in the future

Oscar Schnackenpfefferhausen 161,353 14
05/03/2005 02:13 PM

He'll learn everything he needs to know after a summer at Camp Murder.

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 02:16 PM

That's right, Nutters. I forgot you had a kid. I named mine Katherine and Elizabeth. Nice, normal names that won't get them picked on in school.



Remind me. What did you name yours?

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 02:18 PM

My irish mother is coming to kick my ass. I'd call my dad for help, but he's busy getting fitted for his new skirt.

Oscar Schnackenpfefferhausen 161,353 14
05/03/2005 02:21 PM

Nutters lives in Boston. All the other kids have names like Tancredo and Diarmuid.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 02:21 PM

names that won't get them picked on in school.





At least not 'til high school, Ms. Hoover.

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 02:24 PM

Shut up Hat! At least I didn't have to insert pieces of metal into my genitals to make them attractive.





*curls into a ball



I'll get married one day and change my name.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 02:26 PM

Magnetic women love my penis.

newwave 45,912 10
05/03/2005 02:30 PM

He'll learn everything he needs to know after a summer at Camp Murder.



Thank goodness that didn't say Camp aMurder.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
05/03/2005 02:32 PM

At least I didn't have to insert pieces of metal into my genitals to make them attractive.



What were you thinking of?



Tent pegs?

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 02:32 PM

According to the website, Camp aMurder would only last about a day and a half, and the clues would be bright green.

Doogler 807 9
05/03/2005 02:40 PM

I'm going to teach my kids how to build fusion bombs and, also, that they should stand up to bullies.



I'm going to teach my children that they are resistent to bullets.

gorckat: Colonel Cracker 41,132 13
05/03/2005 02:45 PM

I don't else my daughter needs to know.



*She thinks farts are funny

*She loves Star Wars- I geekified her for life

*The other day, somebody ran over a possum out front of the house. She insisted upon looking at the gory scene and was not bothered at all.

*After telling me she had a 'rash' the other day, she said "I hate my vagina"



I think she'll grow up just fine, don't you?

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
05/03/2005 02:47 PM

I taught my kid to speak jive.



I win.



Sure he can speak it, but can he understand it???

Phuc 237,919 21
05/03/2005 02:53 PM

"When I have kids"



The stupidest phrase in the English language.

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
05/03/2005 02:55 PM

Before my first daughter was born, this is what my father taught me:



1.) Never get them wet

2.) Never feed them after midnight

3.) Keep them out of sunlight or it will kill them

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
05/03/2005 02:58 PM

Oh, my bad, that's what he taught me about women.



For kids, he handed me Dr. Spock's book and told me not to Frost it up.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
05/03/2005 03:01 PM

"When I have kids"



The stupidest phrase in the English language.





Really, because it seems to work for Ollie.

Phuc 237,919 21
05/03/2005 03:03 PM

Really, because it seems to work for Ollie.



My bad. I assumed that "have" was not being used in the biblical sense.

DemoMonkey, Gracious in Defeat. 166,252 10
05/03/2005 05:50 PM

Oh, my bad, that's what he taught me about women.



I imagine "Never get them wet." isn't really much of a problem for you.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 05:53 PM

I was gonna make that joke earlier, Demo.





Well enough, It's much more ironic coming from you.

Nerd, Lead Bigot of HFCRC 27,000 12
05/03/2005 05:57 PM

OHHHH SLAM!!!!

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 05:59 PM

Hat, have you seen the picture of his hot, virginal, very young girlfriend? You should all worship him as the king of male GABbers.

WhyMe 276 10
05/03/2005 06:03 PM

I'm going to teach them not to watch Oprah, 'cause she's talking about poo.

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 06:04 PM

Why are you watching Oprah?

WhyMe 276 10
05/03/2005 06:06 PM

I'm at work, there's only three channels. So, it's either Oprah, Judge Judy, or Who wants to be a Milionaire. They all suck.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 06:06 PM

Very young INTERNET girlfriend.



Regardless, I said it because I laughed about it.

TableTopJane framed Roger Rabbit 173,958 15
05/03/2005 06:06 PM

Holy Shakespeare, she is talking about poop. I had to check just to see.

WhyMe 276 10
05/03/2005 06:08 PM

You missed the beginning. They said your poop should be S shaped, and sound like a high dive. Not small round balls that go: plop, plop, plop.

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
05/03/2005 06:32 PM

DemoMonkey, Gracious in Defeat.



5/03/2005 4:50 pm



Oh, my bad, that's what he taught me about women.



I imagine "Never get them wet." isn't really much of a problem for you.





It took 3 hours to burn me on this?



For shame, GAB.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 06:35 PM

I'm surprised you actually feel burned.

Big headed child 282 9
05/03/2005 07:42 PM

she said "I hate my vagina"



can i have it? I'll put it to good use!

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 07:43 PM

God I hate you.





"Its like an orange on a toothpick!"

Big headed child 282 9
05/03/2005 07:46 PM

what did i do?



And no, not an orange, more like a watermelon stood on end. or a pear i guess but not quite the same shape

Filly Harlot 39,193 20
05/03/2005 07:50 PM

Child. Be quiet now. There's a good n00b.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/03/2005 07:50 PM

I hate all annoying n00bs.



Until you change your name or Icon, and become welcomed into the community, Think of yourself as being Black.

Oscar Schnackenpfefferhausen 161,353 14
05/03/2005 08:12 PM

...or being an unapologetic bigot.

'Giggidy' 42 9
05/03/2005 09:57 PM

I had children young, and thusly made the terrible mistake of having kids and friends at the same time.

My daughter knows how to make a high-ball, fold her cloathes, projectile vomit on irritating guests, lie to telemarketers and talk her way out of speeding tickets. Currently, we're learning how to properly feed the goldfish..

I've done my job well, and just can't wait for my invitation to 'The Jerry Springer Show' in 12 years or so.

DemoMonkey, Gracious in Defeat. 166,252 10
05/03/2005 10:11 PM

It took 3 hours to burn me on this?



For shame, GAB.



Gab crashed for me the first time I tried to send that post. So obviously, it helps to pay John protection money.



You just aren't paying him enough.

Nerd, Lead Bigot of HFCRC 27,000 12
05/04/2005 12:47 AM

Never have sex with a coke bottle... unless you love each other.

iam Straw - Ch-ch-ch-changing! 97,995 37
05/04/2005 01:09 AM

At the playground today my 2 yr old daughter spotted a spider and pronounced it a "cute spider." A boy came running out of nowhere and said "Where? Where?"



My daughter has already achieved dude magnet status. I am in awe of her.

Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
05/04/2005 01:36 AM

I like the name Seamus. Better than naming your kid Brandon, Dylan, Max, Jack or Joe.



Eamon and Liam think so too.

iam Straw - Ch-ch-ch-changing! 97,995 37
05/04/2005 01:41 AM

Last year I met this fabulous Irish woman named Emer. Her two kids are named Cairan and Sive.