HighSoci 30,109 18
05/24/2005 10:08 PM

So did you score or not?

Errol 10,584 9
05/24/2005 10:08 PM

You nastay

Ditdah, only 54 days away 123,110 14
05/24/2005 10:23 PM

What's a lift?

Humphrey© 51,764 12
05/24/2005 10:31 PM

Something you get around your eyes and chin when you hit 40.

Ditdah, only 54 days away 123,110 14
05/24/2005 10:32 PM

Thank you - I was so afraid someone would actually try and explain what it was. Some people just don't take the set up when it's handed to them...

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
05/24/2005 11:40 PM

What's a set up?

Mr. Briham 38,843 10
05/24/2005 11:49 PM

To avoid uncomfortable situations like the one Humphrey just related to us, I suggest getting a small aerosol can and labeling it "Fart in a Can: Fake Gas for Real Laughs!" This way, the next time you accidentally toot the anal trumpet, you can pull out the can, wink, and say "Gotcha!" Now everyone can share a laugh at your cleverness and continue with their lives, completely unaware that they really were sucking down your ass gas.

Big headed child 282 9
05/24/2005 11:49 PM

The best part of the story:



checked my hair in the mirror (it looked like Shakespeare)

Humphrey© 51,764 12
05/25/2005 02:39 AM

Addendum.



Over 5 hous later and I am still squeaking like a malodorous mouse.

hairy stool 1,370 9
05/25/2005 02:52 AM

Next time, Shakespeare your pants. Now that would be Frost-ing funny.

Sylvester 4,465 9
05/25/2005 03:29 AM

This is an ancient riddle I came across:



Motherless and fatherless,

Born without a skin

Spoke when I came into the world and never spoke again?



What am I?





























































































































































A fart.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
05/25/2005 10:56 AM

Elevator Fart Etiquette by FDIC



"If you must fart in an empty elevator while it is moving, make the car stop at the next available floor and exit the elevator. This technique is a variation from the "drive by", whereby you walk quickly by a person or group of people and eek out a SBD fart."

gorckat 41,132 13
05/25/2005 10:59 AM

I leave them in the walk-in fridge at my part time job. It is such fun to see people get a whiff of chilled ass gas when then yank open the door.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
05/25/2005 11:13 AM

Yesterday, my new boy must have had a stomach ache. He was crying with an intensity that is a rare find in humans over the age of three. In fact the last time I saw someone sobbing so uncontrollably, it was myself upon finding out that MTV was canceling Beavis and Butthead. In order to soothe him, I picked him up, rocked him gently and quietly sang him a couple of tunes from my large repertoire of Irish drinking songs. I was just getting into "The Night That Patty Murphy Died" when he finally quieted down and closed his eyes. His lips then parted into what I believed to be was his very first smile. It was a big one, stretching from ear to ear and his whole body seemed to have been put into it. His arms stretched out long and his legs stiffened rigidly. I thought it was a sure sign of contentment until his diaper started vibrating and he unleashed a long and loud blast of posterior gas that would have been more at home in an interstate truck stop in the immediate aftermath of a wildly successful burrito extravaganza. I was amazed that something so offensively obnoxious could be unleashed by something so tiny and helpless.



Of course Carson then erupted into a fresh fit of hysterics, having woken himself up. I could not blame him though. For such a little guy to have passed something so momentous could not have brought much of a feeling of relief. My bet is that he probably felt more violated than anything else.

(Zippies) Bob Johnsons Drainage 2,735 9
05/25/2005 03:30 PM

What the Frost is a lift? Speak English! Lousy foriegners!



yar harharhar







I know it's a lame joke

The High Priestess of Sparkle Motion 58,884 29
05/25/2005 03:35 PM

Now Jep, your challenge is to put that story in limerick form!

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
05/25/2005 04:38 PM

My boy's mouth went so quickly agape,

With a smile like a contented ape,

But a blast of vile gas,

Forced out of his small ass,

Felt suspiciously like anal rape.

TEDphat 6,408 9
05/25/2005 08:18 PM

"checked my hair in the mirror (it looked like Shakespeare)"



Judging by that line, the young, attractive, blonde law secretary was probably trying to figure out why your fart smelled of vaseline.

I'm Just Here To Give Clickies 2,480 11
05/25/2005 08:24 PM

<action>exasperatedly messages temples</action>Ted, you are an idiot.

TEDphat 6,408 9
05/25/2005 08:28 PM

Stick to giving clickies

EllaPhant 800 8
05/25/2005 09:54 PM

clickies to temples, clickies to temples: Please try not to explode.

10,950 10
05/26/2005 12:50 AM

hmm

peoriagrace 6,166 11
02/13/2008 04:53 PM

When my son was a baby he had severe GIRD-reflux- so he slept all over in different places each night. His swing (with my hand resting next to him); a rocker/carrier on the floor; held up on a shoulder while being rocked; and proped up on special pillow in bed between me and dad.

We were much sleep deprived, and our diet was terrible. One night my husband was very gassy. I got angry at him about how bad the smell was. He said I was exaggerating about how bad it was. About 5 mins. later he let this really horrible smelling fart. I woke him back up and started yelling at him about his fart; and demanded he go sleep somewhere else for the night. He said why; I said the fumes where so bad as they chocked the baby so badly he coughed and coughed; then started crying from the smell. I said the baby couldn't get enough air from the gas engulfing his little lungs.

He said he felt bad but he also was laughing; as he left for the couch.

Tweak: Windows 2000 Edition 18,881 12
02/13/2008 05:08 PM

So you're really just the ultimate bitch. You make him sleep on the couch because of something he can't control? Maybe you should have slept on the couch instead, or maybe you shouldn't have married someone you can't stand the smell of. Or maybe you should just harden the Frost up.

Lila Can Has Baby! kthxbye 78,555 13
02/13/2008 06:20 PM

and proped up on special pillow in bed between me and dad.

It was a Boppy, wasn't it? I'll bet it was a Boppy.
And EW! You were sleeping with your own father?!

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/13/2008 10:28 PM

what is a fart but the cry of a lonely imprisoned turd?

Phuc 237,919 21
02/13/2008 11:46 PM

John and I had a roommate by the name of Eric Mann. No one called him Eric. Everyone called him Eric Mann. His dad would call and say, "Could I please speak with Eric Mann?" even though there wasn't another Eric within the walls of our little collegiate abode.

Anyway, Eric Mann liked to drink a lot of soy milk.

When he farted, it was like Jenkem mixed with rotten durian fruit. It was so dense it had texture, like it made the air turn into slug slime. The stench clung to everything for an hour. The windows fogged. Roommates with asthma needed the Pulp Fiction giant needle to the heart.

I hear Eric is married now.

Mostly Zolton 88,175 34
02/13/2008 11:59 PM

Pray she's not Dutch.

And into baking.

Cinderblock 27,578 25
02/14/2008 12:04 AM

Anyway, Eric Mann liked to drink a lot of soy milk.

You roomed with Skippy?

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,467 21
02/14/2008 12:07 AM

Pray she's not Dutch.

But if she was, she would appreciate the beauty that is the dutch oven.

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
02/14/2008 06:31 AM

Jeez, you're an idiot.

Phuc 237,919 21
02/14/2008 10:47 PM

You roomed with Skippy?

Eric Mann is my friend, and that kind of insult is fightin' words where I come from.

Fezig on his way to the castle anthrax 3,711 7
05/16/2008 09:33 AM

15 second fight - GO!

Shell Belle 77,143 25
05/16/2008 10:04 AM

15 second fight - GO

You bumped this thread after three months for that? Please go jump off the nearest building.

Hairybagel 386 5
05/16/2008 10:08 AM

Well about 7 posts up there was a 3 year bump. I guess I haven't been bored enough at work to go back that far yet. Is GAB that addictive?

The Magnificently Fantastic Ravos 63,467 21
05/16/2008 10:10 AM

Yes, it is.

Humphrey. In the Library. With the Dagger. 51,764 12
05/16/2008 09:11 PM

Hey! I remember that fart.

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
05/17/2008 11:00 AM

<action>hands Humphrey a comb</action>

Evil Pram 80,722 42
05/17/2008 05:18 PM

: Lift stops. Young, attractive, blonde law secretary enters carrying an armful of files.

Whoops, I thought you said "armful of flies". I was going to ask, "what kind of women are you meeting over there?"

Ravos is extremely hardcore 63,467 21
05/19/2008 02:57 PM

Speaking of ducks, last year I had a party at my cottage. We were standing on the dock, and look over, and see a duck swimming.

Next I hear someone running, then see my friend mid air over the duck. He grabbed the duck's leg, but it managed to fly away before he had a firm grip.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
05/19/2008 03:21 PM

ducks can smell rapist a mile away.

Fezig on his way to the castle anthrax 3,711 7
05/21/2008 01:27 PM

A rapist can smell a duck from 2 miles away.