Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
06/10/2005 03:39 PM

HA!



Customer: "I need parts for a _____ (its not important anyways)"

Me: "Okay, Prices are as follows.. ____"

Customer: "And What's my price?"

Me: "Uhh.. Which shop are you calling from?"

Customer: "I'm not. I used to work for _____"

Me: ".... Used to."

Customer: "Was that a question?"

Me: "Sure."

Customer: "Do I get any sort of deal?"

Me: "Well.. You need parts for your own personal vehicle, yes?"

Customer: "Well. Yes."

Me: "And you no longer work for the previously mentioned shop, nor do you work for anything related to the auto body feild?"

Customer: "Nope."

Me: "Well then I think we're both clear on this then.."







Some people are just born stupid.

I am Jack's Kidney 6,902 12
06/10/2005 03:46 PM

Me: Thank you for calling (insert real estate business)This is Dani how may I direct your call?

Guy: Isnt this (insert a different real estate company name)?

Me: No I am sorry sir we sold the company a few months ago.

Guy: The whole company?(we owed a franchise of a bigger name)

Me: No sir just our two offices

Guy:Well I used to work for (real estate company) and I should get an employee discount

Me: Well we are not that company anyomore

Guy: Well can you transfer me to one of their offices thats near yours?

Me: No

Guy hangs up



My question was what kind of "employee discount" do realtors get anyway?

SHP, permanent bitch mode 181,790 70
06/10/2005 03:58 PM

Vendor: "Hello, SHP, I was just on the phone with (my boss's name) and he told me you were the one to talk to about purchasing computers!"

Me: No, I'm not, that's (someone else) but I can tell you now he's not going to buy from you.

Him: Why not? (Smiley salesman voice still in effect)

Me: Because (my boss's name) is my boss. I'm his assistant, and he didn't just talk to you because he's out of town. And even if you got past me in the first place, he wouln't have reccomeneded you speak to me. He'd have hung up on you. You lied to make a sale.

Him: (smiley voice gone.) Oh. *hangs up*

Reek Stankleberry 3,653 12
06/10/2005 04:02 PM

Liquid Breakfast types like this: "i em so stupggad. i madee a pupu!"

gorckat 41,132 13
06/10/2005 04:03 PM

Zippy's reminded me of a story that my manager at Chick-Fil-A told me.



He had this Hispanic working for him a few years who went out on a bender after his shift and got locked up, which the manager didn't learn about until he came in 3 days later trying to find out when he worked again.



He was politley told because he didn't call for 3 days, he had been replaced. The Hispanic was distressed and asked, "How am I supposed to get another job; they kept my SS card and driver's license!"



My manager said, "Same way you got this one; just get new fakes made up."

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
06/10/2005 04:05 PM

SHP, that was beautiful.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/10/2005 04:10 PM

Liquid Breakfast types like this: "i em so stupggad. i madee a pupu!"





What the hell are you talking about?

CHANCE 171,275 14
06/10/2005 04:21 PM

Its not SHP its PBM. I will keep calling back until you buy my <insert computer product here>. So hmmmp!

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/10/2005 04:25 PM

Hmmm, the person who just started the same thread 4 times. There's one for today.

De Drainage van Zippies 2,735 9
06/10/2005 05:34 PM

I was loitering around a counter in a plumbing store when some ruddy faced, hairy oaf stormed in and slammed his fist on the counter and shouted for some assistance.



Shopguy: "Hello. How can I help you"



The oaf swings this heavy plastic box onto the counter, flips the lid and reveals some sort of electrical tool (I didn't see what it was)



Shopguy: "Ok, what seems to be the problem"

Oaf: "This Frost-ing Froster's Frosted"

Shopguy: "Frosted?"

Oaf: "Frost-ing Frosted"

Shopguy: "Ok, one minute"



Shopguy takes the box away and returns with a brand new unit and puts it in front of the guy.



Shopguy: "There you go"

Oaf: "Not Frosted?"

Shopguy: "Not Frosted"

Oaf: "Frost-ing great"



And he walked off. Shopguy does a massive rolleyes and puts fixed smile on for the next customer. Bizarre.

De Drainage van Zippies 2,735 9
06/11/2005 12:47 PM

anybody else have one?

I am Jack's Inflamed Sense of Rejection 6,902 12
06/11/2005 12:49 PM

Customer comes in to drop their car off for service, I am filling out the appropriate paper work.



Me: And what model is your car?

Customer:...Green

Zippies Vaginal Drainage 2,735 9
06/11/2005 02:28 PM

I had a customer just call in...



Cust: I need to check on an accont to see if the phone number is still active



Me: Okay...(checking account) yep it's still active



Cust: Why is it still active? It's not suppose to be active!



Me: (assuming someone didn't disconnect it like they were suppose to) Oh, well, let me check the notes... When did you call in to disconnect it?



Cust: I didn't call in...



Me: You didn't call in to put in a disconnect order for your phone?



Cust: No, was I suppose to?



Me: (Of course not, our mind reader must have been sick that day, let me disconnect it ASAP!)

Yeaaaah...





Frost-ing idiots

Mwahiy 5,425 9
06/11/2005 02:44 PM

One day while my brother was working at the grocery store, he's approched by a woman buying a turkey...



Lady: Excuse me sir, Do these turkey's get any bigger?



Bro: No Ma'am, they're dead.

Gobbledygook 42 7
06/11/2005 02:57 PM

I asked a fellow student at my lab to fashion an extension cord out of some 208 V, 15 Amp electrical cord that we had. I showed him a wall outlet so that he understood what type of plug was needed. I come back from class about an hour later to see him with the cord, a female plug and the meter the cord was supposed to power, looking very unsure of what to do. Me: "You're going to need a male plug too, you know". It still took him a few seconds to figure out what exactly was required.

Dumb Bastard 10,584 9
06/11/2005 04:20 PM

Frost y'all.

I am Jack's Inflamed Sense of Rejection 6,902 12
06/11/2005 04:27 PM

Well, someone seems to be p.m.s.ing

Rep. Jep Rep. 007 58,758 13
06/11/2005 04:34 PM

I walked into an electronics store once to pick up some items on the account my company maintained there. The smoking hot cashier took down all the required information to complete the cashless transaction. At the end of it, while she was filling in some of the missing blanks, she initiated some flirtatious small talk. I joined in to the banter and we shared a couple of laughs. She then looked up at me and said, "You know, if you could give me your phone number, I can let you get out of here."



I was due to get married in about a month. I started sweating, my heart started racing, I considered the consequences and finally stammered, "Y-y-y-you know, I-I-I'm getting married s-s-s-soon a-a-and though I'm really f-f-flattered, I don't think that would b-b-be such a g-g-g-good idea for me."



She then went, "Aaaaaaawwwww! That's so sweet!" She then held up the paperwork she was filling out. "I still can't let you leave here with all that stuff unless I have a contact number that I can put in this form."



Yep. I'm a dumb bastard.

High Priestess 58,884 29
06/11/2005 05:11 PM

When serving dumbasses with money at a resort....



Me: And here is your salad sir!



Him: Why are there alomnds on this salad? I am allergic to nuts! Why did you put almonds on this salad?



Me:All our salads are topped with almonds or walnuts. It says so on the menu, sir.



Him: You're lying! There was no mention of nuts on the menu! I could die if I eat that!



Me:I am sorry for the inconvience sir, I'll have the chef make you a new salad right away.



The unhappily married man: Yes, you do that! And I want my meal compted! And not just my salad, our (his 4 kids and wife) whole meal!



Me: Sir, I was going to comp your salad anyways, let me get you a new salad.



The bitch in his marrage (yelling at me across the pool at the top of his lungs): You better comp everything! Even our drinks from the bar! And I am going to get smashed! And you won't get a cent of a tip!



(After comming back with his new de-nuted salad)His wife: Say it Chip!



You just know his wife is the top: Um, my wife pointed out that there really was a notice saying that there was almonds on the menu.



His Wife: And...?



What a puss: I'm sorry.

Rep. Jep Rep. 007 58,758 13
06/11/2005 05:25 PM

alomnds

inconvience

compted

marrage

comming

de-nuted



Priestess, if I didn't like you so much I would SO be pointing out the irony of committing so many typos in a thread about dumbasses.



I really wish you were some hapless noob.

Rep. Jep Rep. 007 58,758 13
06/11/2005 05:25 PM

Oh, and your story was great too.

High Priestess 58,884 29
06/11/2005 05:28 PM

Listen here bitch, I can make what ever typos I want. I've been here longer than you and if you remember, I was one of the people who hepled you in here.



Besides, only the Mokey can make fun of my spelling.

High Priestess 58,884 29
06/11/2005 05:29 PM

MONKEY!











damnit.

Rep. Jep Rep. 007 58,758 13
06/11/2005 05:31 PM

Oh Priestess, why did you have to catch that before I did?

Mwahiy 5,425 9
06/11/2005 05:32 PM

Jep:



I thought that was a summarized version of your dating life starting at the seduction...











sry...

Rep. Jep Rep. 007 58,758 13
06/11/2005 05:36 PM

If I regularly cruised for dates at electronics stores, my dating summary would surely have been much shorter that three paragraphs.



And Priestess, I gave you ten clickies for your typo and your tube is only a quarter full. I think you got gyped.

Niles 3,169 9
06/13/2005 01:59 PM

Tom is my most annoying co-worker. He has no social skills, and he thinks that he's funny.



Exchange at work on Friday:



Manager (wanting to know who had completed their assignments for the day): Talk to me, people!



Tom: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?



(He always emails in all caps)



Me: How about "How to turn off your freakin' Caps Lock?" That seems like a good conversation.



Tom: DONT HATE THE PLAYER NILES, HATE THE GAME



Me: If "the game" is making incoherent remarks that bear only a faint resemblance to intelligible insults, always in all capital letters, then I do hate the game.



But I'm still not sure what you're talking about.



Ever.



Tom: DON'T PLAY YOUR MIND TRICKS ON ME..... HATING THE THE GAME IS REFERRING TO THE "GAME OF LIFE" WHICH YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY. BUT OF COURSE INSTEAD OF HATING LIFE, YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I HAVE BEATEN YOU. WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE REALLY BEEN DOING WAS LEARNING THE GAME BUT NO YOU COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT. SO INSTEAD OF HATING THE GAME THAT YOU COULD NOT MASTER, YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I HAVE IT MASTERED. YA' KNOW ITS REALLY KIND OF A SHAME... SO WHO IS WRONG ME OR YOU? OK IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THAT INTELLIGENT, BUT IT DID THE JOB...LOL... DOES ANYONE HAVE A FREAKING CLUE WHAT I JUST SAID? OH BY THE WAY I HOPE EVERYONE ENJOYS THIS IN CAP LOCK.



Me: We need to get this kid a helmet.

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
06/13/2005 02:20 PM

Socket?



I said SPROCKET!



Damn kids these days.

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
06/13/2005 02:29 PM

I was at a place, doing a thing, when a hapless down-on-his-luck fellow with non-traditional looks arrived at my location.



He had a conversation that I overheard, and am now exagerating. I pretended that anybody else in the world was paying the least bit of attention to me, then exposited a witty and well-timed rejoinder at the fool's expense.



Everybody laughed heartily at my superior sense of humor, and voted me king for a day.



I am only posting here because I am waiting for something much more awesome that will surely have you all writhing in jealousy.

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
06/13/2005 02:30 PM

Oh, sorry for the duplicate post.

lupience- now with Splenda! 26,981 11
06/13/2005 02:36 PM

I was grocery shopping and this enormous older black woman wearing a floral housedress and pink fuzzy slippers comes STORMING down the aisle I was in, and says to me- "Wea da Frost da cone beef hashat?"

I mumbled an aisle #, walked away, and split a gut laughing too hard.

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
06/13/2005 02:37 PM

Lupience,



Please look up.



Two posts.



Look familiar?

lupience- now with Splenda! 26,981 11
06/13/2005 02:41 PM

point taken. heh.

Only I didn't exaggerate.

Niles 3,169 9
06/13/2005 02:55 PM

Now, now, Mr. Sir. Your post made me laugh. But surely you can't be serious. If tired, old ideas for jokes were off-limits, there would be nothing to read on GAB for hours on end.

Phuc 237,919 21
06/13/2005 03:06 PM

John, John's wife, and me used to work in a health food store in the People's Republic of Cambridge. For those of you who don't know, Cambridge is where people who wear Birkenstocks, fanny packs, and hemp shirts come from.



So this old lady with too much makeup (what happened to "going natural," bitch?) on comes through the later-to-be Mrs. Hargrave's line (she was a cashier).



One of her items did not have a price tag, so LTBMH makes the call over the store intercom, "I need a price check on 'Smooth Move' herbal tea. That's 'Smooth Move' herbal tea."



We never saw that old lady again. I think she died from an intestinal blockage.

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
06/13/2005 03:07 PM

Tired jokes are truly the life-blood of any community, internet or otherwise.



And basically, at any given moment, I am talking out of my ass and using those same old jokes. But I at least try to make it entertaining for others.



If you're going to bullShakespeare, at least make it different bullShakespeare.



Threads that are "I am better than X person, aren't you?" are weak. My point was that most of these posts are virtually identical, and drole.



See Jep's post for an example of an entertaining reply to the topic.





And don't call me Shirley.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/13/2005 03:08 PM

Nutbutter's from Cambridge?

Kake-Pope of Chili town 55,555 14
06/13/2005 03:08 PM

Do you know Anthony Harnett, the guy who started said store? My mom was partners with him on another store in the PRC.

Niles 3,169 9
06/13/2005 03:10 PM

You talk smart, Mr. Sir. I think you're my favorite.

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
06/13/2005 03:13 PM

HA HA, SUCKER! I was talking out of my ass again!!





Thanks, I appreciate it.

Trixxie 65,026 15
06/13/2005 03:30 PM

I don't have any dumb bastards to write about. Let me contact that people who have to deal with me for you.

Chance has no chance with Slinky. 28,185 10
07/18/2006 05:11 PM

I couldn't find the "dumb conversations with otherwise smart people" thread but something happened like two weeks ago I wanted to bring up.



I was riding in a car with one of my friends and we were stopped at a redlight. Over to the right of us is a bench with a group of people sittig and standing around it.



Friend: "Dude, look at those people. They're just standing there on the corner. Like who does that? What a bunch of weirdos."

Me:" Uhh, Brett...that's a bus stop.

Friend: "Oh, SHUT UP!"

Chit 178,776 15
07/18/2006 05:28 PM

"Why is it that in every town there is a bus stop that contains such an

amazing conglomeration of aberrant humanity that you have to stop and say,

'Whoa! Where in the Frost does that bus go?'"





--Dennis Miller

allenj62 3 3
07/10/2009 10:08 PM

The f...er's f...ed conversation reminded me of a hilarious episode of "The Wire" from HBO (Season 1 maybe ep. 6), when two cops had a similar conversation. They were investigating an old murder scene and discovered new evidence. It was priceless..

Make my Ravos grow! 63,467 21
07/13/2009 01:36 PM

Thanks, but I'm not looking into buying homes right now.

Make my Ravos grow! 63,467 21
07/13/2009 01:37 PM

Also, please get out of my city.

HellaKlutz 6 7
07/13/2009 04:28 PM

I have one, back when I worked in a call center for dial-up internet...


HellaKlutz: Thank you for calling ___, how can I help you?

Simple-minded-50-year-old-woman: Dere's sumpin' wrong with mah computer, it's new and it don't wanna work!

HellaKlutz: Ok, what's happening?

Simple-minded-50-year-old-woman: Ah got up to go to the bathroom and when ah come on back, the screen is black and it jus' keeps sayin' "Windas....windas....windas" all over the screen!!!

HellaKlutz: Move your mouse.

Simple-minded-50-year-old-woman: Ah, yer a genius! Da screen came back! (hangs up)

HellaKlutz 6 7
07/13/2009 04:31 PM

Ok, I have another one:

HellaKlutz: Thank you for calling ___, how can I help you?

80-year-old woman: I'm trying to send one of those e-mails to my daughter.

HellaKlutz: Ok....

80-year-old woman: Every time I try to make a dollar sign, it makes a '4' instead. Is my kayboard broken?

HellaKlutz: Try holding down the shift key when you want to make the dollar sign.

80-year-old woman: (Tries it with success.) Oh goodness, how did you know?????

Asskisser Deluxe 11,439 21
07/20/2009 03:13 PM

I was working for Coca Cola a while back and had a lady come to me for help:

Lady: Excuse me, can you tell me where the regular Sprite is?

Me: (Standing DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF IT) um, right here.

Lady: (Looks at label which reads Sprite and above it Caffeine Free), no, not the diet kind, I want the kind WITH Caffeine.

Me: Sprite doesn't have Caffeine.

Lady: It most certainly does, I wish Coke would hire people who know what the Frost they're talking about. (Storms away)

It takes all kinds

Asskisser Deluxe 11,439 21
07/20/2009 03:28 PM

Thought I'd post another....

As a DJ for almost 20 years and a music expert, It was less funny and more of a bitch to deal with this one.... This happened when I was working at Media Play.

Customer: (Looking at Rolling Stones CD's obviously flabbergasted)

Me: Can I help you ma'am?

Customer: Yeah...... I can't seem to fi... The song I wa.... I may need to order th....

Me: (FINISH A GOD DAMN SENTENCE)

Customer: (gets head out of ass) I can't find the song Birthday.

Me: Huh?

Customer: They play it on the radio all the time, you know.... (Sings like a cat being assraped with the empire state building AND at a volume that made me take a step back) YOU SAY ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY, ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO YEAH.

Me: (relieved she had stopped singing) Oh, thats not by the Rolling Stones, thats by The Beatles.

Customer: No it's not

Me: Um, yeah it is, its on the White Album

Customer: You must not know music, I hear it on the radio all the time and its definately the Stones.

Me: No, ma'am, i'm afraid you're mistaken (walk to the B section) Here it is.

Customer: Well they may have recorded a Rolling Stones song, but I want the original.

Me: (Opening the packaging and showing her the songwriter credits) See, it says written by Lennon/McCartney.

Customer: That must be a mis-print, its by Mick Jagger.

Me: (giving up) Well, its on this album if you want it, but you'll never find it on a Rolling Stones cd. (walks away)

I never did find out if she bought the Beatles CD.