There Is Not Enough Sex On Television
A comedy article
by PrincessBritt  4,730  9
06/12/2005 07:09 PM 290 views
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This Pro-Am Challenge article is brought to you by Newwave, PrincessBritt, and the number 69.
Television has often been criticized for using cheap titillations in pursuit of higher ratings. Furthermore, the resultant erosion of family values and bankruptcy of societal morality form the root of all of society's ills and woes. In defense against such accusations, it is often pointed out that such portrayals are usually embraced only by extremists with political agendas. Even so, regardless of the motivations of the accusers, this does not necessarily invalidate the basis of the critique.
"Wow," you might say, sitting on my couch, eating Cheez-Doodles, generally making an ass of yourself by coming over and spending the night, even when you weren't invited. "That sounds deep. Are you sure you didn't steal that off of some other website?" It is at this point that we ignore you and move on.
According to recent studies, 45% (for those of you who failed math, that's slightly less than half) of the population says that there is too much sex on television. This means that 55% (For those of you who failed math, put 20 rubber duckies in a box and count out 11 of them, thats 55%) of the population does NOT say that there is too much sex on television. No, au contraire (for those of you who failed French, that means "you dumbass"), this means that 55% of the population says that there is not enough sex on television! And we completely agree. We will now move on to a paragraph with less parenthetical statements (for those of you who failed English, feel free to light up a doobie right about now).
Sex should not be seen as a way for television shows to reach their rating quota, but as an educational example to today's adolescents. Too many kids these days don't want to talk to their parents about sex for two main reasons:
1) They are embarrassed
2) They've walked in on their mothers Frost-ing so many strangers, they think they are experts
Starting at elementary school ages, children should be exposed to sex as an educational tool. This will prevent later embarrassment in the back seats of cars on prom night. If little boys can learn to kill each other by playing video games, then they should be able to successfully give a girl on orgasm, with the right training.
Kids should be able to see sex on television and learn from it just as easily as the violence they see. It's a rare day that you can turn on the boob-tube and not see and amazing quantity of blood. Just the other day, Newwave was scanning the channels, looking for penis a good show, when he happened upon Sesame Street. There Elmo was, beating the hell out of Cookie Monster because he cheated at cards. "Now how many cookies can he eat? None, mother-Froster, because he got busted in the mother-Frostin' mouth by Elmo!"
But where are the scenes where Elmo pimps hoes? Where are the details on how Snuffleupagus pleasures the other puppets? The Count, counting how many times Kermit and Miss Piggy do the nasty? Nowhere.
We have a lot of educational programs for teenagers on subjects like science and math, but not sex. What we need is an educational show with live actors that can set examples for today's teens.
Out-of-work actors or at least non-attractive ones would be best in this case, to keep the horny little Frosters from jacking off instead of learning. An actor like Craig T. Nelson would make a good host, he doesn't have anything better to do. Jenilee Harrison (formerly of "Three's Company", currently of infomercial "fame") would make an excellent co-host.
Each episode would have a different topic to cover, starting with the basics. A sample programming schedule would include:
-Finding the Clitoris with Cloris (Leachman)
-What's That White Stuff?
-Pulling Out in Time
-Larry King Explains Analingus
-Rhythm, You Morons (featuring Anne Robinson)
-Size Isn't Everything, But if You Are Ill-Equipped, You'd Better Ask For a Corvette For Your First Car (sponsered by Chevrolet)
-Sexual Power Hour with Michael Douglas
-Hey, Masturbation Ain't So Bad! (with Dustin Diamond)
-Introduction to DP (with Woody Harrelson and Woody Allen)
Eventually, of course, there will be a crossover into the reality show trends, and perhaps there could even be a season of Survivor where the participants escape from progressively more constricting forms of bondage. Then an episode of Fear Factor where the contestants test their gag reflex in a deep-throating contest, and a grand finale where they try to outdo the goatse man.
So, in conclusion, if people got a taste of sexual education starting at an early age, there would be less embarrassment when it comes to sex. We would be able to fully establish our sexual talents before we totally Frost up our first few times. And when it comes to Frost-ing up and embarrassing the hell out of ourselves, we GABbers know best.
PrincessBritt is a world-renowned hornball and head of state, whereas Newwave is simply a hornball. No has-been actors have been harmed in the making of this article
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
39 votes
5.0
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19 Comments on "There Is Not Enough Sex On Television"
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0 votes
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Jopeck 395  8
06/25/2005 05:06 PM
There Elmo was, beating the hell out of Cookie Monster because he cheated at cards. "Now how many cookies can he eat? None, mother-Froster, because he got busted in the mother-Frostin' mouth by Elmo!"
Comedy gold. I hope you guys win.
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newwave 45,912 10
06/25/2005 05:35 PM
Hooray!
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Underwhere? 101,398 77
06/25/2005 05:53 PM
They've walked in on their mothers Frost-ing so many strangers, they think they are experts
I laughed my ass off at this line.
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Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
06/25/2005 08:21 PM
Fourth!
Great job, kids. I especially liked your mathematical illustrations.
put 20 rubber duckies in a box and count out 11 of them, thats 55%
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newwave 45,912 10
06/26/2005 06:41 AM
Bumping for the, uh, early Sunday morning crew. You know, people who read GAB before they get dressed for sunrise church services.
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Grabem 206 8
06/26/2005 07:06 PM
Funny funny!
I wish for more sex on tv. I spend too much time looking for it on the internet when it could just come to me.
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
06/27/2005 10:39 AM
What the hell? Drunk Irish Men should not post things that don't make sense.
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PrincessBritt 4,730 9
06/28/2005 05:39 PM
Well, I'm not going to be left out of the clickie whoring.
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/28/2005 05:40 PM
First off, Frost YOU ROOFIE.
Second, we never thought you wouldn't be a whore Britt.
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PrincessBritt 4,730 9
06/28/2005 05:41 PM
Thank you for believing in me BIG.
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
06/28/2005 05:41 PM
BIG, are you plural? No? THEN I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/28/2005 05:43 PM
Oops, I forgot a "I want to" in my previous post.
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johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
10/04/2005 01:52 PM
#68............. your order is ready!
NEXT
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Thirteenth 0 8
01/30/2006 07:42 PM
We will now move on to a paragraph with less parenthetical statements (for those of you who failed English, feel free to light up a doobie right about now).
I love it when people bag poor grammar and then use it themselves!
If the quantity is continuous (measurable), such as 'distance' or 'height', then you use 'less'. If the quantity is discrete (countable), such as 'toilets' or 'prostitutes' or 'parenthetical statements', then you use 'fewer'.
We will now move on to a paragraph with FEWER parenthetical statements.
Hang on while I go and steal a child's ice cream.
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newwave 45,912 10
01/31/2006 09:20 AM
That was sort of the point, pisshole pummeler.
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Thirteenth 0 8
01/31/2006 03:19 PM
Well I'm clearly too stupid for THIS conversation...
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newwave 45,912 10
01/31/2006 06:16 PM
Naw, I'm just giving you a hard time, King Friday.
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PRAIRIEMULE 334 7
01/31/2006 07:34 PM
I believe in creating a better tommorow for our children, but not our children's children because children should not be having sex.
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