Writing about television is seemingly an insurmountable task. Television's grasp is so far-reaching, its history so engaging, its possibilities so limitless... condensing it into one article is a fool's errand, similar to finding Star Jones's clitoris. Fortunately, winged article monkeys delivered this guide to me the night before my deadline. I used Babelfish to decipher their strange but beautiful language.
History
In 1927, a Mormon but otherwise good guy named Philo Farnsworth put the finishing touches on his defining masterpiece: the Image Dissector camera tube (thankfully, it was later shortened to "T.V."). Television's first transmitted image did not show much promise- it was a single line. Although "Liney" was considered by many historians to be the most compelling character of the Silent Era, he was quickly replaced by the more popular and pimped out "Stizzatic." Discouraged by the low Q-ratings of Liney, Philo turned to heavy narcotics and died in the gutter of an unregulated San Francisco opium den.
Fortunately, unlike Philo, television still had some life in it.
Television started out with the noblest of intentions: an immediate medium that could be used to transmit breaking news as well as much-needed entertainment to a troubled nation. And for several days, it did just that. However, when the Dumont network introduced "Slut Island 3: Transsexual Tahitian Child Swappers" in 1945, it marked the beginning of TV's descent into banality.
Descent Into Banality
To be fair, there was a brief period of time when television showed the promise that Philo had envisioned during one of his heroin binges. In 1946, one year before Jackie Robinson integrated the big leagues, the first colored television was introduced. The move sparked predictable outrage amongst the racist areas of America (the South), and many tried to fight it. Said notable segregationist George Wallace: "Televisions should continue to be separated... black and white. To allow colored televisions is to allow America's destruction."
Though it wasn't easy, color televisions slowly budged their way into America's households. The famous television soap opera "Rosa Park," which was about a talking bus and its wacky driver, offered a strong voice for the integration movement. By the late 1950's, every last trace of racism in America had been eliminated.
Unfortunately, like Corey Feldman's career after "The Goonies," it was all downhill for television after such a promising start. Messages of sexual confusion (Bugs Bunny dressing like a female to fool Elmer Fudd) and communist doctrine (Lucille Ball prominently wearing red hair) were corrupting America's youth. For God's sake, we allowed a character named DICK VAN DYKE on the air.
It only got worse in the '60s. Ed Sullivan called columnist Harriet Van Horne a "Frost-ing bitch" on live television. "Uncle" Walter Cronkite was caught screaming profanities while having anal sex with John Chancellor during a commercial break. And perhaps most disturbingly, Regis Philbin was allowed on the airwaves.
... The '70s were not much better. "Slut Island 29" finally came to an end when guest star Linda Blair was raped with a toilet plunger, prompting numerous complaints to the FCC (as well as toilet plunger purchases at Sears). However, SI was replaced by an equally awful show: "Kojak." Television had clearly reached its nadir.
(I'm not even going to mention the "Star Wars Holiday Special." ...Seriously, I can't. George Lucas will have me killed.)
Enter the '80s
The 1980's welcomed the return of happy sitcoms that preached family values and happy endings. Hell, we had to learn them from somewhere, what with America's parents no longer able to teach these important things (due to all the drugs they took in the '70s). Television taught us vital and reaffirming lessons: that a single father from New York could find love while working as a housekeeper in Connecticut. That a kindly mother figure can teach four girls from four different walks of life how to be proper women while growing up in college. That wealthy white men are supposed to adopt black children.
(To be fair to the parents who couldn't teach these lessons, they were too busy getting divorced. And honestly, do you really want people in the middle of a heated custody battle trying to teach children about love and family values? No, of course not. Frost you for even considering it.)
Following the family-based 80's came a decade of change, beginning with the wholesome values of the Cosbys. Unfortunately for the show's realism, the majority of the country could not associate with a black family that included not one, but TWO gainfully employed parents. Even the black community had to call shenanigans, because there wasn't one reference to Popeye's Chicken.
The '90s... and beyond!
The 1990's ushered in the one family everyone, especially those with jaundice, could associate with: The Simpsons. This delightful show made dysfunctional the norm, and introduced strangling children as an acceptable pastime. Other than the Simpsons, perhaps only one other show could accurately describe the state of the country; that show was 90210. Now, I'm not even talking about the money, cars, clothes, and good looks (though Luke Perry was a sweet piece of ass). I am talking of course about the drinking, smoking, pre-marital sex, coke, and accidental suicide. In fact, the show's only conceivable flaw was the implausibility of that dork David Green ever being in the "cool crowd."
Unfortunately, all the goodwill garnered by the family shows of the '80s and early '90s was suddenly put in jeopardy by a growing television menace: Oprah Winfrey. I'm kidding, of course. I am talking about reality television, and the true story of seven strangers that started it. Really, the Real World was only good during the first season, and I think they're running out of places (Real World Detroit? Was North Korea taken?) to shoot it. Perhaps the show's only redeeming feature was that it offered teenagers an excuse for their misconduct: "It's not my fault, Dylan and Kelly were blowing lines off the hooker's ass, so it had to be okay."
Other reality TV shows were no better. I know that there was a writers' strike... but did it have to result in American Idol? Or Survivor? Or the Clinton hearings? Couldn't we have something worth watching, like the Bush twins and their attempts to sneak into bars underage with all the Secret Service trying to catch them, again? Maybe even Hillary Clinton explaining that giving head isn't a part of sexual relations, because she never gave a blow job. But I digress. The problem with television in the post-Seinfeld era is that the writers have no real imagination. What the hell can be the thinking process behind these shows? "It's hilarious! The rich girls play in a huge fountain of poop! That's comedy gold! Brownish, perhaps lumpy, but always funny gold!"
The new millennium brought more of the same crap: most shows were pretty predictable and were only around for a season or two. But at some point all television executives decided that it was necessary to have at least 5 police/ lawyer/ forensics shows on. There were spin-offs of spin-offs and Dennis Franz became a sex symbol. We had hit a new low. When Zack Morris and the kid from Silver Spoons are playing tough street cops, it's time for a change.
The Future
Trends indicate that an increasing number of television shows will revolve around the hotbed topics of poop, sex, poopy sex, sexy poop, and Martha Stewart. Many old people will complain about this, mostly because it will force Matlock off the air (unless he is willing to have sex, or be filmed pooping). Change is never easy.
I, for one, welcome our new sex and poop overlords.
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