I Runneth Over
A comedy article
by Lunchbox  14,650  10
06/21/2005 03:20 PM 302 views
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With all the talk of the sanctity of marriage in the news lately, I feel it necessary to tell the story of the last wedding I went to. This will prove why, as a man who loves men, I do not see weddings as all that solemn a thing.
In the spring of 2002, my frat brother, Matt, got married to his long-time girlfriend, Caitlyn. Caitlyn, as it turns out, was part of the fraternity hierarchy as well, serving as my "Big Sister" during my pledging semester. I had ties to both of them, and they still are good friends of mine. Matt and Caitlyn made the foolish decision to openly invite the entire fraternity, however, and some 15 of us took them up on that offer.
The 15 of us flew up to Bellingham, Washington, from San Antonio, Texas, to attend this wedding. Bellingham is a gorgeous waterside town in the northern part of the state, near Canada. Matt and Caitlyn got married in a simple church that Caitlyn and her family went to all their life, but then the reception was held at this gorgeous historical hotel overlooking the bay. The ballroom we were in had huge windows on three sides, overlooking the watery beauty.
But what's a little beauty without some vomit? They had some really heavy local beer on tap at the reception, and a few kegs floated really quickly. A frat brother and I parked ourselves in front of the bar and got into a deep conversation, refilling our glasses constantly. After a while, we looked around to see everyone seated in the sit-down dinner, already almost done with their entrees. Time flies when you're pounding beers. We called it quits. I stumbled over to a table and sat down next to some aunt and her young daughter.
It was at this time I thought to myself, "Holy crap. You're really wasted now aren't you? You better hold yourself together and not spill anything on the table or your suit. You dumb Emerson."
The next thing I remember is the burning sensation of stomach acid coming up my throat and onto the dance floor of this reception. My frat brothers, also drunk, took me out on the moonlit deck and guided the rest of my puke onto the rocks below.
The very next thing I remembered was feeling the car I was in come to a stop. I opened my eyes and noticed I was in the trunk. The trunk opens and I look up at three of my frat brothers standing over me, tall Washington evergreens looming behind them, fading into the purple-blackness of the night sky.
"You can't dump me in the woods!" I pleaded. "You're my frat brothers!"
They dragged me inside to one of Caitlyn's teenage cousin's houses, where a non-parentally-supervised after party was happening. I remember hugging the kitchen sink, oozing stomach juices into the garbage disposal.
I awoke the next day to catch my 7 a.m. shuttle bus back to the Seattle airport by some miracle. My suit, shirt, and tie were caked in a smelly pale pink crust. I learned of the details of my antics from my frat brothers in the following days, and I promptly called Matt and Caitlyn and apologized. Then I wrote an apology letter to each of their parents, who no doubt funded the reception. The letter went something like this (good thing their parents have a sense of humor):
Dear Mr. and Mrs. _______,
Please forgive me getting overly drunk and ultimately sick at your son's/daughter's wedding reception. Thank you for a wonderful time, and please forward any damages I caused to me and I will pay them promptly. I guess in the case of Matt and Caitlyn, I runneth over.
Thank you,
Box
Let this be a lesson, kids. Marriage is only for the strong of stomach, and for those who can hold their liquor. So, do I want to be able to marry a man someday? The thought of a wedding makes me queasy.
Lunchbox is a scholar, teacher, and ex-fraternity douchebag.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
15 votes
5.0
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11 Comments on "I Runneth Over"
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Bankey 70,843  10
06/26/2005 05:02 PM
SECOND TO VOMIT!
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supergrover 4,517 9
06/26/2005 06:41 PM
I'm positive if any of my friends are foolish enough to name me maid of honor for their weddings I will be beyond drunk, and will hopefully make an unflattering speech that lasts for at least 10 minutes.
Also, as I am drunk most of the time, hopefully I will have screwed up all my responsibilities too.
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Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
06/26/2005 09:21 PM
In my experience, no one gets drunker at a wedding than the gay friends.
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MiLLie 116,988 28
06/26/2005 10:42 PM
The problem with weddings that have free booze is that it usually takes so long to get the food that you are wasted by the time you get served.
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Robin® 14,626 10
06/27/2005 04:48 AM
SR and I were smart enough not to have any alcohol at the reception. Since the wedding is at 10:30 the reception to follow right after, I can expect some hangovers, but the drinking comes at the campsite that night.
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Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
06/27/2005 04:51 AM
Campsite?
He's got you honeymooning in a teepee?
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Backdoor Box 14,650 10
06/27/2005 07:01 AM
Whistler, that post is an example of why articles should have pee tubes for people who comment on the article.
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Robin® 14,626 10
06/27/2005 10:45 AM
it's at the campsite of the renaissance festival we're having our wedding at.
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Robin® 14,626 10
06/27/2005 10:46 AM
The honeymoon comes later after the school semester.
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Backdoor Box 14,650 10
06/27/2005 01:31 PM
A wedding at a Ren Fair? My. God. That's the most Dungeons & Dragonsiest thing I've ever heard.
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