Niles 3,169 9
06/22/2005 05:39 PM

I'm a Mormon.

Ditdah, sick of counting 123,110 14
06/22/2005 05:40 PM

I didn't know mormons were allowed to use the internet.

Niles 3,169 9
06/22/2005 05:42 PM

Yeah. Don't tell my wives.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/22/2005 05:43 PM

For shame Jane. for shame.

Spicey McHaggis 117,760 37
06/22/2005 05:43 PM

Dammit, Jane! I was going to start this thread. Stupid day job getting in the way of my GABbing.



I was going to mention how Napoleon Dynamite is a Mormon and he has great skills. Also, who else things Donnie and Marie got freaky with each other at least once?

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/22/2005 05:44 PM

I would say that 95% of all the mormon girls that went to my highschool were hot like fire.



It sucked cause you couldn't touch them. But every once in while one would go all Jack Mormon, and it was pretty sweet if you got to be one of the firsts ones to hook up with her.

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/22/2005 05:44 PM

I said I was sorry, BIG.

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/22/2005 05:45 PM

I never was.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/22/2005 05:47 PM

The Isopropyl helps me forget quicker. A trick I learned from Kitty Dukakis.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
06/22/2005 05:51 PM

I recently read Jon Krakour's book Under the Banner of Heaven.



It's amazing how the formation of a religion invented by a con man can be so well documented yet people still manage to fall for it.



People are silly.

ringworm 68,315 13
06/22/2005 06:13 PM

predictable. uninspired. F-.

DemoMonkey, Mr Contributes-nothing-to- the-world. 166,252 10
06/22/2005 06:24 PM

I'M NOT A QUIZ SHOW CONTESTANT!



I'M A LATTER DAY SAINT!

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/22/2005 08:05 PM

Oh, go get laid Ringworm.

SergeantTibbs 81 7
06/22/2005 08:28 PM

What do mormons and Jeopardy have to do with each other? I'm not getting this. Is Ken Jennings mormon? I need to read more magazines.

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/22/2005 08:31 PM

Ken Jennings is a mormon.



See, I changed the word "moron" in the other thread to "Mormon". And, because the other thread was about a game show, I made mine about a game show.



Despite what Ringworm says, I thought it was clever. I tied it all together.

SergeantTibbs 81 7
06/22/2005 08:38 PM

yeah... see, I hadn't gotten to the other thread yet, so I didn't catch on...

S.L.O.W.

Spicey McHaggis 117,760 37
06/22/2005 09:12 PM

My comrade on the front lines of the Help Desk is a Mormon. I like making friends with people of other religions; especially religions with dietary restrictions. The idea of "you can't eat that because it was written in this book many moons ago" fascinates me. Jews are the best because Kosher foods are so complicated that they put labels on the food to let you know how Kosher it is.



Mormons don't have so many restrictions. One thing that stands out is that they can't drink coffee or tea. They say it's because coffee and tea contain tannic acid - the same stuff used to tan leather. My research on the Web tells me that such drinks actually contain tannins, which are not tannic acid. Regardless, I still don't know what they've got against tannic acid.



It doesn't matter, though. What matters is that my coworker brought in some "Postum" today. Postum is a coffee substitute made with wheat and molasses. Even though instant coffee sucks, and this was instant not-coffee, I'm almost always willing to try a new beverage, so I mixed a cup for myself.



It sure does look like coffee.

It smells a bit like microwaved Wheaties.

It tastes a bit like liquid microwaved Wheaties.



I don't know if any of you have ever microwaved a bowl of Wheaties. It makes for a pleasant breakfast on a cold Winter's morning, but one should never, ever put it in a blender and attempt to drink it. It's just kind of gross.



Over all, Postum is a concoction that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike coffee.

Postum 55,555 14
06/22/2005 09:17 PM

I, for one, am offended. How DARE you, sir . . . how DARE you.

Raccoon of Loathing 56,688 10
06/22/2005 09:18 PM

So you're saying Mormons drink Shakespeare? I don't like that.



If Mormons could have multiple husbands I'd be down for faking I'm Mormon. Yeah, that doesn't sound so good out loud.

SpecialKake-lvl 50 Tadpole Summoner 55,555 14
06/22/2005 09:22 PM

My favorite Moron was that one that Robin william played on that show in the 80's. Man, those mormons are hilarious. Na-Nu!

Spicey McHaggis 117,760 37
06/22/2005 09:23 PM

I didn't say it was Shakespeare. I said it wasn't coffee.



Incidentally, if you ask a Mormon girl "coffee, tea, or me?" she doesn't have much of a choice, does she?

SergeantTibbs 81 7
06/22/2005 09:28 PM

My best friend is a mormon, but she smokes, drinks and lived with her husband before they were married. She was one of them "wild mormon girls" all the guys wanted to bone, for the sake of boning a mormon. Not that that's anything like me calling myself a Christian, even though my anniversary is 5 days before my son's birthday. No lie. Can you say "shotgun wedding?"

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 02:43 AM

<action>having second thoughts about posting joke about the Mormon Tabernacle Choir having only one father</action>

The Purple Snorkpernel. 45,655 12
06/23/2005 08:26 AM

<action> is having metal dreams </action>

And the winner is Chickens 286,527 61
06/23/2005 11:14 AM

Sidenote:the kid who got lost from the scout camp last week was a mormon. He was so freaked about obeying his parents that he couldn't decide which was more important a rule that they gave him.



1. when lost, stay on the trail

2. don't talk to strangers



He would stay on the trail, UNTIL A SEACHER ON A HORSE OR AN ATV came by looking for him. Then he would politely step off the trail and hide in the bushes so as not to violate rule number 2.





He could have been rescued like two days earlier.



He finally got so dehydrated that he wasn't thinking clearly enough to step off the trail, so the searchers were finally able to find him.



Doh.

Trixxiewan Kenobie 65,026 15
06/23/2005 01:29 PM

At the really high levels don't the Mormons have all kinds of wacky alien theories like the Scientologists?

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/23/2005 01:38 PM

I have been debating whether or not I should start a "Who wants to be a moon?" thread and then posting that picture of Livewire wearing his moon monster shirt.

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/23/2005 01:40 PM

I was thinking about starting a "Who wants to be a moon?" thread, and then post a picture of Livewire wearing his Moon Monster shirt.



If you thought it would have been funny, click this post.

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/23/2005 01:42 PM

Frost YOU, GAB! Frost YOU, YOU STUPID Frost-ing PIECE OF Shakespeare! I'M TIRED OF THIS Frost-ing SERVER PROBLEM! YOU WANT MORE TRAFFIC, GET MORE BANDWITH!



EAT Shakespeare, GAB! EAT IT WITH A SPOON OUT OF MY ASS!

And the winner is Chickens 286,527 61
06/23/2005 01:49 PM

Trix, the ultimate goal of Mormanism is to get your own planet. Be a good Morman, get married in a morman tabernacle, and do the mystery morman dance and you will get your own planet someday. God apparently was a mere man who was a morman on another planet who fulfilled all the correct duties and so got Earth. Jesus was a good human and now has his own planet somewhere.



Oh, and women have no value other than as wifes of good mormans.



And don't get me started on how the whole shebang got started.

And the winner is Chickens 286,527 61
06/23/2005 01:51 PM

Oh, and you have to wear your especially sexxxy Mormon undies.

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/23/2005 01:57 PM

Mormons don't do the B-52s with volcanos, no.



...

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 01:59 PM

BTW -- Mormon girls have a tendency to want to stay pregnant after marriage. So that's the reason for the large number of offsprings.



Helps keep their daddy off their belly, too.

Trixxiewan Kenobie 65,026 15
06/23/2005 01:59 PM

Well Goll Dang, your very own Planet! Tres Bon!!! I don't supposed they negotiate that harem of worthless women thing for a harem of young worthwhile boys?

Duuuuh 24,152 8
06/23/2005 02:05 PM

Only on Michael Jackson's planet.

Trixxiewan Kenobie 65,026 15
06/23/2005 02:18 PM

I had four scary turtle poops already today; the next time I go to the loo I am bring a pair of salad tongs.

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 02:20 PM

Wrong thread, Trixx.

Phuc 237,919 21
06/23/2005 02:21 PM

Mormonism is even stupider than evangelical Christianity.



Any Mormon can be a prophet, so if you don't like something about the church, just roll on the floor, foam at the mouth, say your piece, and there's a fiddy-fiddy chance you'll get some people to follow you and you can start your own splinter church. HalleFrost-inglujah!



But, like teh Evangelicals, if you so much as disagree with them, it means that you're assaulting them because of their faith, and since Gawd said that'd happen to His People, then it means they must be righteous and you must be an Emerson. Reason is irrelevant. Compassion is irrelevant. Empathy is irrelevant.



There's no arguing with them, so the best thing to do with Mormons, Evangelicals, Fundies, and all them is agree with everything they say, but then don't show up for the bible study. ... or show up drunk and in drag.



And don't Frost with the J-Dubs. They were just about the only Jesus-based church to just say "No" to Hitler, and they got their own colored triangle and space in the shower for it.



Thus endeth the sermon.

Trixxiewan Kenobie 65,026 15
06/23/2005 02:26 PM

sorry my bad.

Phuc 237,919 21
06/23/2005 02:44 PM

Well, you're going to hell no matter what church you go to, so mis-post all you want.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
06/23/2005 02:54 PM

And don't get me started on how the whole shebang got started.



Yeah man, it's totally way out there. Not belivable like that story of a young white virgin girl in the middle east getting impregnated by god and giving birth to a hippie who turned water into wine and rose from the dead. All of which happened only 4000 or so years after God made that chick out of her husband's rib.

TheBoB666 70 7
06/23/2005 03:15 PM

And don't get me started on how the whole shebang got started.



I read that and this was all I could think about.

Niles 3,169 9
06/23/2005 06:30 PM

Many thanks to all of you for your sincere attempts at explaining my religion to me. No really. You have all been clicked accordingly.



It makes me laugh quite heartily to see how distorted a few simple doctrines can become once they float through everyone's filters.



And I'm the crazy one.

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/23/2005 06:38 PM

I like hearing Chickens rant about how irrational people's religious beliefs are. It makes my cerebellum feel all warm and fuzzy.

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/23/2005 06:40 PM

What is the only difference between a moron and a mormon?



























M

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/23/2005 06:44 PM

Awesome. It only took 8 minutes for that post to go through.

Niles 3,169 9
06/23/2005 06:55 PM

I know that most of the junk in this thread is all about being funny. I've been Mormon my whole life, and all but the five years when I went to BYU I've lived outside of the compound (otherwise known as Utah), so I'm used to all the funny stories. I'm not here to preach, so I won't respond to any of these claims here. If anyone, however, would like real info, let me know. I'd be happy to clarify.

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
06/23/2005 06:58 PM

Well I'm not trying to be a bitch about this, but I can't come up with too many significant figures or celebrities that are Mormons.



My list is short:



1)Steve Young

2)The Osmonds

-The End-



I don't have much respect for the Osmonds, and Steve Young was tough, and a hell of a competitor, but he was no Montana.

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
06/23/2005 07:07 PM

". If anyone, however, would like real info, let me know. I'd be happy to clarify."







So did Jesus really drive a Chevy cuz he hated fords so much?

Niles 3,169 9
06/23/2005 07:12 PM

So did Jesus really drive a Chevy cuz he hated fords so much?

See? Now that's what I'm talking about with the distortions of simple truths. Jesus rode into Jeruselum on a donkey. After a few tellings, an "ass" becomes a horse, then it's a "kick-ass" mustang... you can see how these things get started.

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/24/2005 03:00 AM

And don't flap with the J-Dubs.



We've got the Witnesses here on campus every weekend all summer long for conventions. They may be great witnesses, but they're lousy drivers.

Robin® 14,626 10
11/30/2005 03:43 AM

Women who usually live together get regulated to one cycle. So instead of one woman on the rag, you'll have them ALL on the rag.



They might just kill you and save us the trouble.

Holiday Spiced Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
11/30/2005 03:46 AM

This is why the Harem was a completely separate building from the palace.

Nachos 57,521 23
11/30/2005 05:15 AM

I've always wondered about the shacked-up GABbers. Do you sit next to each other at the computer shouting 'Quick, quick Honey, let me log in! I've got a kick-ass response to your post!'? Do you tell each other what you're going to post and if the other one gives a suitable reaction it goes on the board?



Or do you sit in locked rooms at either end of the house, bitterly ignoring each other and stumbling across your significant other's posts only crossing paths when you emerge for food?

Yorkie Thompson: Sweet Zombie Jesus 60,724 12
11/30/2005 05:17 AM

I always have this image of them with two computers side by side, with the modem in the middle.

Nachos 57,521 23
11/30/2005 05:23 AM

Which must make life fun when someone posts



'I've just had the most amazing cyber-sexo with <insert one-half of a GAB couple here>! I might phone them up in a minute and finish the job.'



or



'Hey <whoever>, remember when we got drunk and did that thing at that place?'.

SuGarD - Corned Beef & GABbage 2,724 8
11/30/2005 05:58 AM

Pretty much the way singles GAB, except with one hand down someone else's pants.

PhucNutts Roasting on an Open Fire 237,919 21
11/30/2005 07:03 AM

It makes me laugh quite heartily to see how distorted a few simple doctrines can become once they float through everyone's filters.



This will help splain it to you. Merry Xmas, babykiller.

Cruz Lopez: Love Machine 9,993 12
11/30/2005 08:00 AM

I remember once in my youth I was out evangelising with my church, we were knocking on doors and telling people about how wonderful it was to be one of Bob Johnson's children. Or something like that.



After about half an hour of random doorbell ringing and harassing people about their religious misgivings, we were greeted at one door by two mormons.



At that moment I felt like I was trying to offload my '67 Bonneville to 'Fast' Eddie down at the used car lot. As far as religious persecution goes these guys could have given Himmler a run for their money and I just couldn't bear to challenge the most tedious door-to-door salesmen in the world.



So I slunk away and got drunk in the backroom of a seedy bordello, knowing that at least my God lets me drink Tia Maria

Holiday Spiced Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
11/30/2005 02:30 PM

To answer your question, I don't tell Robin about any of my posts, and I just stumble across hers, as she does mine. The computers are in the same room but one is facing east and the other is facing south. We can't see each other's screen. We do talk to each other, mostly about how much of an Emerson some GABer is being.

Robin® 14,626 10
11/30/2005 02:33 PM

Actually I'm a figment of his imagination. I don't really exist. I'm his alter ego, since I'm female I can have sex with men and he won't think himself gay, and masturbation is a little more interesting with someone (himself actually) to talk to.

Robin® 14,626 10
11/30/2005 02:35 PM

the conscienceness overlaps though, we both agree that Millie is hot.

SausageBoy 15,703 0
11/30/2005 02:36 PM

>last two posts, obviously conspired<

Holiday Spiced Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
11/30/2005 02:38 PM

Giving yourself a BJ isn't as hard as you might think.

SausageBoy 15,703 0
11/30/2005 02:41 PM

Giving yourself a BJ isn't as hard as you might think.



>when you are drunk, it is<

MaddMatt - Steely Eyed Warrior/Poet 15,437 9
11/30/2005 02:43 PM

It makes me laugh quite heartily to see how distorted a few simple doctrines can become once they float through everyone's filters.



And I'm the crazy one.



I managed to sneak into the SECRET MEETING HALL once. It took months of dating a Mormon girl before the family actually let me attend a service. I managed to hang back and spy on the secret meeting.



I turns out that the secret meeting looks just like a modified Masonic Virgins Procession. Lots of satanic overtones.