dropkick brody 43,090 12
06/23/2005 10:36 AM

Yeah, that's because Hallmark don't send forwards.

Ditdah, sick of counting 123,110 14
06/23/2005 10:40 AM

Is your name really Krista?

Duuuuh 24,152 8
06/23/2005 10:42 AM

You forgot the Classic:



Twas the night before christmas,

and all through the house,

everyone felt shi++y,

even the mouse.



Mom at the whorehouse,

dad smoking grass,

I had just settled down,

for a nice piece of ass.



When all of a sudden,

I heard such a clatter,

I rose from the bitch to see,

what was the matter.



Out on the lawn,

I saw a big dick,

I knew in a moment,

it must be St. Nick.



He came down the chimney,

like a bat out of hell,

right away I knew,

the fvcker had fell.



He filled all of our stockings,

with pretzels and beer,

and a big rubber penis,

for my brother the queer.



He rose up the chimney,

with a thunderous fart,

the son of a bitch,

blew the chimney apart.



He cursed and swore,

as he rode out of sight,

"Piss on You All,

and have a hell of a night!"

PussNBootsKitty 56 7
06/23/2005 10:48 AM

Yes my name is really Krista



And that was not an email forward.

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 10:51 AM

Raleigh or Sanford? Expect a Donkey call if you answer that.

Declan McManus. Rarely pure, Never simple. 131,877 36
06/23/2005 10:53 AM

Darling, your posts are funny and original.



The funny parts aren't original



The original parts aren't funny.





Go back to lurking, and try again in 2006.







Blessyourheart,





Declan

Ditdah, sick of counting 123,110 14
06/23/2005 10:54 AM

My name is Crista, and there is another Krista on the board as well.



Just thought I'd share.

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
06/23/2005 10:57 AM

Now all you need is some Crisco.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
06/23/2005 11:01 AM

Declan, that was how it should be done.



Also, I have a friend called Christa. And the dedication at the start of The Very Hungry Caterpillar is: 'to my sister, Christa.'



*The more you know...*

Declan McManus. Rarely pure, Never simple. 131,877 36
06/23/2005 11:03 AM

Thank you, brody.

I lost my Trae of thought 156,790 17
06/23/2005 11:05 AM

"The test was positive, sorry"

dropkick brody 43,090 12
06/23/2005 11:10 AM

Declan, you are ever so welcome.



I think you have raised the bar for cutting remarks that don't include the phrases 'go eat a bowl of dick' or, 'Frost off and die.'

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/23/2005 11:17 AM

On this day, I want you to remember,

The day your wife cut off your little bitty member.









NSFW, and the second picture probably isn't safe for any man to look at. I just thought it was fitting, because it's been 12 years today.

And the winner is Chickens 286,527 61
06/23/2005 11:19 AM

You married stole my Mommy four years ago.

Now she's dead.

You even get to keep

all her money.





Frost you you bastard.

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/23/2005 11:19 AM

Uh, that first link was supposed to be to this. But I screwed it up, because, you know, I suck.

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/23/2005 11:20 AM

But, Chix, that didn't even rhyme.

Ditdah, sick of counting 123,110 14
06/23/2005 11:21 AM

because, you know, I suck.



Wouldn't Donk be the only one that knows that?

And the winner is Chickens 286,527 61
06/23/2005 11:21 AM

it doesn't?

Duuuuh 24,152 8
06/23/2005 11:23 AM

The nighttime reading I had as a child.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
06/23/2005 11:26 AM

Your husband has left you,

He thought you a hex,

So he moved out to 'Frisco,

And took up butt sex.



I could do these things all day.

(Little rhymes - NOT butt sex)

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/23/2005 11:27 AM

Wouldn't Donk be the only one that knows that?



Oh, come on. With a last name like Hoover, I was born to suck.

Penis Von Merryworth 203,475 12
06/23/2005 11:32 AM

Google can find anything.

PussNBootsKitty 56 7
06/23/2005 11:36 AM

Just a clarificatoin for those who seem to have issues... this was just a bit of humor that I wanted to bring to everyone... not original... just something I found funny and light hearted. Had I known that it was "FORBIDDEN" to not place anything here that was not "ORIGINAL" then I would not have done so. So to those I have offended... so what. Maybe its you who need more humor in your life.

Ditdah, sick of counting 123,110 14
06/23/2005 11:37 AM

It took you an hour to find that???

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
06/23/2005 11:40 AM

At the Seven-Eleven on Sycamore Street,

You walked in while I worked like a rabbit in heat,

We made love on the counter in front of the Slurpees,

You gave me fond memories while I gave you herpes.

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 11:46 AM

Give credit where credit is due and this sort of thing is better received.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
06/23/2005 11:49 AM

Get well soon.

Or we're pulling your feeding tube.

PussNBootsKitty 56 7
06/23/2005 11:56 AM

Thank you gorcjuice. I am well informed for future conversations. Your advice is appreciated.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 12:05 PM

My dearest, I am sorry to hear that three periods have missed her,

Because that is the reason why I'm marrying your sister.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 12:14 PM

You wanted to know what I wanted most in the women I knew

Remove my pants so I can show you.



Here's to romantic evenings filled with roses and Shakespeare

And ten Tequilla slammers to remove your inhibitions my dear



This feels so good, it feels so right

I just wiShakespeare wasn't $500 a night.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 12:22 PM

Honey, I'm sorry to announce that three periods have missed you

And will pray like hell the NHL season comes through.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
06/23/2005 12:30 PM

Did you say sitch? What the Hell does that mean?



And if it's short for situation, so help me God, I will kill you.

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 12:31 PM

<action>sighs</action>



Read the computer pranks page here.



If that doesn't help, you can always send him a link to a popup site.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
06/23/2005 12:33 PM

Sorry, that was mean.



But we can't help you, all the pranks here are made up.



This website may help you though.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
06/23/2005 12:35 PM

Damn you Gock you BURN IN HELL.



You will rue the day you ever ruined my first tubgirling of a n00b.



RUE IT.

Red Hairpiece 203,475 12
06/23/2005 12:35 PM

JESUS CHRIST! Here.



I'm sure it's really hard to find the link on this site that says "PRANKS" and harder to find the link on that page that says "PRANK IDEAS."



Goddamn kids these days with thier "fast food" and "colostomy bags."

Chris Garrett, or CG 86,932 12
06/23/2005 12:35 PM

Honey, I'd like to welcome you back from your trip to Chernobyl.



Too bad the radiation now makes you look like George Gobel.

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 12:37 PM

Don't mock me Brocol-ody!

Duuuuh 24,152 8
06/23/2005 12:37 PM

Seriously, that's not funny. This is where all the best prank posts are made.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 12:39 PM

I know you love me, that much is true,

But I still want another redhead or two.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 12:47 PM

When I walked in the door,

I expected a lot more of your lip

But didn't expect you naked spread eagle like a whore

On the kitchen table covered in Reddi-Wip

But you know what's best, and I want more.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 12:52 PM

Your eyes were like pools of heavenly water,

When you walked in on me Frost-ing your daughter.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 12:54 PM

I want to get lost within your heavenly pools of blue

And drown myself for even admitting to knowing you.

MaddMatt -Steely-eyed Warrior/Poet 15,437 9
06/23/2005 12:55 PM

Old postcard;



"The weather is here, wish you were beautiful".



A Hallmark I'd like to see;



On this special day,

My wish is for both of you,



To have a beautiful wedding,

And start life a new.



To have and to hold,

Through rich, and through poor,



And to forget the fact,

That your future wife was a whore.

PussNBootsKitty 56 7
06/23/2005 12:55 PM

Sylvester, I am so glad to see how much enjoyment you are getting out of this conversation topic. You definately must have humor in your life.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 01:00 PM

I used a lot of this type of humor on stage when I was doing stand-up comedy. At times I miss being in front of the mic, but at others, I'm glad I walked away from it after 10 years as a house comedian.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
06/23/2005 01:10 PM

When I met you my heart jumped with glee,

Thought for sure you were my bride-to-be,

But my thoughts were set back,

With my big heart attack,

When I saw that you stood up to pee.



Or,

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
06/23/2005 01:10 PM

I thought you gorgeous, demure and a genius,

A pure exquisite vision of Venus,

But I just can't pass the fact,

That your urinary tract,

Has one hell of a threatening penis.

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 01:12 PM

Clickie whore- that would've fit into one post.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
06/23/2005 01:13 PM

Yep, I'm sluttin'.

Trixxiewan Kenobie 65,026 15
06/23/2005 01:46 PM

Duh, You have forced me to reprint my revised version:





The Night before X-mas for Homos:



Twas the night before christmas,

and all through the house,

everyone was sleeping

even my louse



Mom munching carpet,

dad all in drag,

I had just settled down,

for a hit of this fag.



When all of a sudden,

I heard such a clatter,

pulled out of his ass to,

see what was the matter.



Out on the front lawn,

I saw a big dick,

It looked pretty familiar

it must be St. Nick.



He came down the chimney,

and then in my mouth

one other place

further down south



He filled all of our stockings,

with rubbers and lube

trojans and Coleridge rings

K-Y in the tube



He finished his business,

with a loud, thunderous fart,

I thanked him for spreading

my ass cheeks apart.



He moaned when he came,

and as he rode out of sight,

"See ya next year,

keep that ass nice and tight!"

Duuuuh 24,152 8
06/23/2005 01:52 PM

banlastpostfrommemory> Ahhh. better. /banlastpostfrommemory>

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
06/23/2005 01:55 PM

Through the years we have seen our share

Drama, tears, and other bother,

And although you think I don't care

Did you have to take me to Maury to prove I'm the father?

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
06/23/2005 02:00 PM

A year ago our son was born

And you were just so glad.

I couldn't bare to break the news

That your brother is his dad.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
06/23/2005 02:18 PM

It's so hard to find cards for this sort of occasion,

For precious few strive to laud incarceration,

So be sure to stay seated to avoid those abrasions,

Caused by distressingly commonplace anal invasions.

lupiemtce age 70 26,981 11
06/23/2005 02:20 PM

I fell in love while kissing you,

It mattered not, your skin was blue.



When I took you out of the box you were in,

I thought to myself "She's a little thin".



We drove on the beach in the pale moonlight

'Til I found the place I could love you all night.



You were kind of stiff, but so was I.

I heard a 'snap' when I parted your thighs.



Your skin was pasty, and a little bit cold.

When I went down on you I tasted mold.



The night was pure bliss.

You made my mind roam.

Then I brought you back

To the funeral home.

Declan McManus. Rarely pure, Never simple. 131,877 36
06/23/2005 02:32 PM

You are such a bitch

That's why you deserve that nasty, dripping itch.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
06/23/2005 02:36 PM

I am so very sorry I gave you that rash,

And I know I deserve to be drawn, beat and lashed.

But one thing you should know 'bout those festering blisters:

They were caused 'cause I've been bedding both of your sisters.

gorcjuice 41,132 13
06/23/2005 02:54 PM

During you time of grieving

I tought I'd share with you

That I enjoyed the heaving

Of your daughter's young breasts

Though she was only two.

I saved her liver for my last requests.

lupiemtce age 70 26,981 11
06/23/2005 05:18 PM

Did you enjoy it with some fava beans and a nice chianti?

SergeantTibbs 81 7
06/23/2005 06:01 PM

Hey, I heard your dog died.

Are you serving him baked or deep-fried?

lupiemtce age 70 26,981 11
06/23/2005 08:20 PM

Tibbs, sir, it behooves you to not use that same sentiment with cats.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 10:46 PM

That tuna loaf you made me

Sent me to emergency

They think its name was Charlie.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/23/2005 11:07 PM

My dearest you should always know

The bird of true love is the swallow

The sooner you learn

The more my love for you will burn.

lupiemtce age 70 26,981 11
06/24/2005 02:15 AM

Sylvester- Your impromptu poetry makes air come out of parts of my body.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/24/2005 02:56 AM

I heard for when that moment comes

It might be time to reach for the Tylenol and Tums.

Dopefish 1,393 8
06/24/2005 03:26 AM

There's some insulting/funny cards on this page. There's some other stuff on there too, but it's all pretty funny.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/24/2005 03:27 AM

For all dirty fowls we all hate and dread

A fool and his phone call are soon recorded.

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/24/2005 03:49 AM

If you have the right key to pound

An online store is found

Some have talents to run them into the ground

And claim their hands are bound.

Piemaster - I'm Drunk James, bitch 12,538 15
06/24/2005 03:49 AM

Roses are red and violets are blue,

STFU or SUYT!!!!



</n00b>

Sylvester 4,465 9
06/25/2005 03:18 AM

Ever since you cut me off today

You have done more than delay

The anger in which I do show

And colorful language to flow...

I will not throw in the well-deserved ringer

When I extend to you my middle finger...

Instead I took down your licence plate

So I can key your car at a later date...

EmpLloyd 48,662 14
06/25/2005 03:30 PM

I don't say it enough, darling...



But you need to douche more often!

foxybill42 623 6
03/11/2008 02:19 PM

There was a fat cat named Burt
Who liked to dig holes in the dirt
He filled them quite fast
With the food that he passed
And also an occasional squirt

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
03/11/2008 10:02 PM

Truly a village idiot.

Well done.

Odd 1,728 6
03/12/2008 05:44 AM

Sorry about that STD, but if you look at it from another view. herpes is the on gift that truly keeps on giving.

Hope the outbreak clears up soon.

Odd 1,728 6
03/12/2008 05:54 AM

<action>Shoots the illiterate Baboon that was at the keyboard</action>

Sorry about that STD, but if you look at it from another view. Herpes is the one gift that truly keeps on giving.

Hope the outbreak clears up soon.

bluzesinger 650 6
03/12/2008 07:23 AM

Congrats on your wedding..you may now Frost the bride...

bluzesinger 650 6
03/13/2008 06:44 AM

"Happy Anniversary....tonight could we just not Frost other people?'

Thud 68,468 19
03/13/2008 07:04 AM

I actually sent this idea to Hallmark.


A card for a sick enemy:

Front - Hope you get well soon.

Inside - Or not.


For some reason they never replied.

bluzesinger 650 6
03/16/2008 11:51 PM

Sorry about your breakup.
Cheer Up!
There must be SOMEbody around here that would Frost you...

Tee Tee Jay- Ich bin ein Berliner 173,958 15
03/17/2008 12:01 AM

Things That Halmark Cards Don't Say

"Halmark"

foxybill42 623 6
03/17/2008 12:42 AM

You were good when we were in bed
We had great sex, you gave great head
But now your leaving, good luck I said
I hope this card will find you dead

jen157 5 3
08/05/2009 08:19 AM

Im sorry about the std i gave you last night.