REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
07/01/2005 10:10 PM

George W. Bush



"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"--Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

default_user (is that better Ditdah?) 12,538 15
07/01/2005 10:13 PM

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas...









... how he got in my pajamas, I'll never know."

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/01/2005 10:39 PM

(An excerpt from Anna Russell's "Ring Of Truth" routine)



And then Siegfried goes off on his travels and meets three people: Gunther and Gertrune Gibich and their half-brother Hagan, whose MOTHER was a Gibich...



But whose father was Alberich the dwarf.







REMEMBER ALBERICH

The High Priestess is sunburnt. Owww. 58,884 29
07/01/2005 10:47 PM

Eddie Izzard





"Do you have a flag?"

The High Priestess is sunburnt. Owww. 58,884 29
07/01/2005 10:48 PM

More Eddie:



Hitler must have failed history because there he went in to Russia 'Were taking over Russian, ha ha we're winning. Frost it's gotten cold. Let's get out of here"

Return of the Son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
07/01/2005 10:54 PM

Denis Leary:



You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get a 1969 Cadillac El Dorado convertible. HOT PINK. With whale-skin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, YEAH! And I'm going to drive around in that baby, getting fifteen miles to the gallon, sucking down quarter-pound cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned non-bio-degradable styrofoam containers. And when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers I'm going to wipe my mouth with the American Flag. And there's not a god-damned thing anybody can do about it. Do you know why? Because we've got the bombs, that's why. Nuclear Frostin' weapon's ok?

Filly 39,193 20
07/01/2005 10:56 PM

"It fell off. It fell off. It fell the Frost off."



-Ron White

Jim-Bob's Pants 2,255 8
07/01/2005 11:18 PM

George Bush (paraphrased)

Our enemies will never give up, and neither will we.

They will never stop looking for new ways to harm our country and it's people, and neither will we.



George Carlin

I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

Neep: wants to lick Chris Garrett's knees. 35,066 15
07/01/2005 11:23 PM

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.



Ellen DeGeneres

Return of the Son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
07/01/2005 11:27 PM

George Carlin:

Well reach out and jerk me off!

Neep: wants to lick Chris Garrett's knees. 35,066 15
07/01/2005 11:29 PM

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

I am Straw 97,995 37
07/01/2005 11:29 PM

Not my favorite, and not a comedian, per se. But I'm in that type of mood.



"Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live"

Neep: wants to lick Chris Garrett's knees. 35,066 15
07/01/2005 11:30 PM

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ditdah, sick of counting 123,110 14
07/01/2005 11:36 PM

Eddie Izzard again:



I am a doughnut!

-Hitler

Jim-Bob's Pants 2,255 8
07/01/2005 11:37 PM

HA! Good 'ol Shel Silverstein!



I know some poison I could drink,

I've often thought I'd taste it,

But mother bought it for the sink,

And drinking it would waste it.

I am Straw 97,995 37
07/01/2005 11:43 PM

More Dorothy Parker:



Life is a glorious cycle of song;

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Romania

The High Priestess is sunburnt. Owww. 58,884 29
07/01/2005 11:43 PM

Eddie Izzard again:



I am a doughnut!

-Hitler



Um, that was JKF, not Hitler. But close.

EmpLloyd 48,662 14
07/01/2005 11:50 PM

"I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."



"I used to work as a proofreader for a skywrighting company."



"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."



"I told her I knew when I was gonna die, because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it."



"The other day I was walking through the forest alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."



"It's a nice building. They allow pets. I have a pony."



"I was feeling good, because I had just gotten my degree in calcium anthropology. The study of milk men."



"The guy at the border said 'do you have any firearms?' and I said 'What do you need?'"



-S. Wright

daisypie 49,378 9
07/02/2005 02:52 AM

"Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime."



-Rupert Pupkin

dropkick brody 43,090 12
07/02/2005 07:44 AM

Bill Bailey:



Three men walk into a bar, one of them is a bit stupid.



And the whole thing unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Red White and Blue Chickens 286,527 61
07/02/2005 07:48 AM

OH. OH. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. - Sam Kinesin

dropkick brody 43,090 12
07/02/2005 07:50 AM

Izzard:



I am an evil giraffe *chews*



I shall eat all the leaves on this tree *more chewing*



So that other giraffes may die.

default_user (is that better Ditdah?) 12,538 15
07/02/2005 09:14 AM

honk honk



-Harpo Marx

Agiel 559 9
07/02/2005 10:28 AM

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."



"The depressing thing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall."



-Mitch Hedberg

Boston-Bound and Gagged Lila 78,555 13
07/02/2005 10:49 AM

More Eddie:

Hitler must have failed history because there he went in to Russia 'Were taking over Russian, ha ha we're winning. Frost it's gotten cold. Let's get out of here"



Actually, Priestess, wasn't it more like:



Napoleon: "I'm gonna kill them...oh, it's a bit cold, it's a bit cold. Ok, ok, bad idea."

Hitler: "I've got a better idea...oh, it's the same idea, it's the same idea."



And, while I love that bit, I think the toss up is between that and the God as James Mason bit where He says,

"What on earth is that noise? Jesus Christ!"

"Dad, don't use my name in vein!"

"Jeezy Creezy, what on earth is that?"

"Don't call me Jeezy Creezy."

"And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?"

"Oh, he's useless these days, got a sheet over his head."

"Ooo, Holy Ghost! Ooo, Holy Ghost!"

"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!"

PuggyD 48,304 12
07/02/2005 12:30 PM

"They're turning it into a lesbian bar called "Lickety Splits". Big fat, fat lesbian bar. Fat people. Fat, fat, fatties! Five drink minimum!"



- Amy Sedaris

Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
07/02/2005 02:33 PM

Jim Norton:



An online blog?



Yes, I will be writing one. All I need to get started is a vanilla scented candle. And a Coleridge to rub on my fat face.

OneEyedTrouserTrout 6,046 8
07/02/2005 03:32 PM

Baghdad Bob was pure comedy genius. My favorite line was something to the effect of "we have taken all of the infidels shovels. They can no longer hide and must surrender"

TTJane-pour me a cab, I can't drink any more 173,958 15
07/02/2005 03:37 PM

Context is everything.

Breastfeeding can be beneficial for nearly all infants-but for an elderly cardiac patient, it can be fatal.

TTJane-pour me a cab, I can't drink any more 173,958 15
07/02/2005 03:40 PM

Sometimes I think I must have a guardian idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my houlder, looking out for me......only he's an imbecile.



Both are from Spider Robinson

Technically not a comedian, but one of the best writers I've ever read. And most of his Callahan's books are funny.

daisypie 49,378 9
07/02/2005 03:42 PM

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."



-Groucho

default_user - Tralfamadorian Opposition Party 12,538 15
07/02/2005 05:55 PM

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.



How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.



I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.



If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.



We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year.



We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.





-All Groucho

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
07/02/2005 06:05 PM

I can't believe that not one GABber quoted Suicide Ranger...

daisypie 49,378 9
07/02/2005 06:11 PM

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."



-Groucho, too.

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/02/2005 06:52 PM

Last Friday evenin'

I went to dry heavin'

Bent over double in pain

From out of my mouth

And right on a new Lexus

A hell of a load I sure swang



On my knees I was throwin'

The owner was goin'

Inside to pay for his gasoline

I'm in a mess at the Texaco

Barfin' up refried beans



- Cledus T. Judd ("Refried Beans" a parody of Tim McGraw's "Refried Dreams")

dropkick brody 43,090 12
07/02/2005 06:53 PM

Peter Kay:



GARLIC BREAD?



or:



CHEESECAKE?

daisypie 49,378 9
07/02/2005 06:55 PM

"Women should be obscene and not heard."



-and again...

dropkick brody 43,090 12
07/02/2005 07:02 PM

Ross Noble:



Stephen Hawking and his helper monkey.



Or:



Hare Krishnas avoiding a drunk with a can of Special Brew.

daisypie 49,378 9
07/02/2005 08:40 PM

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."



-who else?

daisypie 49,378 9
07/02/2005 09:09 PM

Another from that not a comedian, per se:



"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

Red White and Blue Chickens 286,527 61
07/02/2005 09:19 PM

From the Groucho Marx show:



Groucho: Why don't you tell us who you are?



Bob: I'm Bob, and I'm married and have 12 children.



Groucho: ......12 children?



Bob: Yes.



Groucho: How do you explain that?



Bob: Well, Groucho, I love my wife.



Groucho: (twiddles cigar) I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.







In the days of the censors. Comedy Platnum.

Mwahiy 5,425 9
07/02/2005 10:08 PM

"I like to watch myself poop, so one day I took a dump in the hall of mirrors at a local carnival"

Fredikium 92 8
07/02/2005 10:25 PM

"Ditka vs. God"



"God ... but it'd be close"



- SNL

The Right Reverend Phuc 237,919 21
07/02/2005 10:32 PM

"We are the Time-Haters. We've traveled back in time... to call ya a cracker."



...and I was into him way before the show.

Fredikium 92 8
07/02/2005 10:35 PM

"WHAT? You went over my helmet?"



- Spaceballs

gwallaia 3,510 12
07/03/2005 12:59 AM

The great George Carlin.



At my old high school, our school colors were Cardinal and Gold.



"Cheer for the Cardinal and Gold!!"



It was Frost-ing Red and Yellow man. Cardinal and Gold my ass.

ringworm 68,315 13
07/03/2005 06:13 AM

Shakespeare, you could drive a car w/ your feet, but that don't make it a good Frostin' idea.



- chris rock

Return of the Son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
07/03/2005 07:11 AM

Speaking of Chris Rock...



"I'm not saying it was right. I'm just saying I understand." (in reference to OJ Simpson killing his ex-wife/paying her alimony)

Declan ('Aaron Altman') McManus. 131,877 36
07/03/2005 08:45 AM

Second thoughts already, Donkers?

Filly 39,193 20
07/03/2005 01:42 PM

Lady to Winston Churchill: Sir, you are drunk.



Winston Churchill to lady: Madam, you are ugly. And in the morning, I'll be sober.



Ok, so he wasn't a comedian. It's still funny, dammit!

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
07/03/2005 02:38 PM

You know what we take for granted in California?

I was playing this club in Texas, and I asked the guy,

"Can I get a water please ?"

He says, "Uhh, we don't carry water."

They claim that nobody in Texas orders water.

So I said, "Come on, you don't have a Calistoga, a Perrier, evian, anything ?"

He looks at me and says, "Uhh...I GOT A COORS LIGHT !"



Ok......Ok, that's close....



-Bobby Slayton

BobJohnson, Tiger Trainer Extraordinaire 178,045 22
07/03/2005 03:10 PM

Lewis Black (pissed off, as usual):



"Oh, Fox, why won't your animals attack when we need them to?!"

TTJane-pour me a cab, I can't drink any more 173,958 15
07/03/2005 03:15 PM

If I could, I would quote a post from every single one of the funny, funny people found on GAB.







I'm trying to say something completely nice at least once a week. This covers me up until next Saturday.

Ithillion 20 8
07/03/2005 03:26 PM

I feel sorry for the old people, you always see them outside in summer wearing duffel coats. It must be because we changed to Centigrade temperatures. When they say its going to 20 degrees on the weather forcast, they think that it's 12 below.



Jeff Green.

Oh to be British.

Chi Chi Felipe: Refreshing 161,353 14
07/03/2005 03:35 PM

"They say Sprite is made with lemons and limes, but I tried making that Shakespeare at home and there's more to it than that."



Mitch

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
07/03/2005 04:23 PM

"I'm not addicted to cocaine...I just like the way it smells"



Richard Pryor

daisypie 49,378 9
07/03/2005 04:46 PM

"Hickory Dickory Dock,

This chick was suckin' my Coleridge.

The clock struck two,

I dropped my goo,

And dumped the bitch on the next block."



-'Dice'

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/03/2005 05:49 PM

Any man who would willingly allow Nolan Ryan to throw a baseball at him is not outstandingly intelligent.



- Ron Luciano



Don't blame me for (Jay) Johnstone. He was crazy before I met him.



- Jimmy Piersall

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
07/03/2005 06:35 PM

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.



The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people have just been sending it back and forth to each other or years now.



I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.



For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.



-Johnny Carson







It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.



Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.



Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.



If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.



-Woody Allen

rahrahgranny 773 7
07/03/2005 07:33 PM

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey

Along came a spider

and sat down beside her

and said

"Hey! What's in the bowl, BITCH?"





-Andrew Dice Clay

rahrahgranny 773 7
07/03/2005 07:34 PM

Chris Rock (I think)



bum: Do you have some spare change?

Chris: How about you get a spare job?

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/03/2005 07:35 PM

Little boy blew

He needed the money.



- Dice

rahrahgranny 773 7
07/03/2005 07:36 PM

"I hate to think of golf as a sport, because then I'd have to think of you as an athlete"



I don't know who said it, but I read it in Reader's Digest and I think it is so true! And funny!

Return of the Son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
07/03/2005 07:42 PM

"Suck his dick, til the veins are blue

Suck his dick, till you take his goo

Merry, merry christmas to you.



Pull his prick

Slap his balls

Eat his ass til your tongue is brown.



Merry Merry Christmas to you.



Give her some.

Give her two.

Double loads for you, and you, and you.



Merry merry

Merry merry merry

Merry merry christmas to you



It's time to go, I've got to shoot my goo."

Hun Frid 51,764 12
07/04/2005 12:21 AM

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty Frost-ing cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?



- Bill Hicks

bignorm 874 9
07/04/2005 07:20 AM

Rodney Carrington, in response to a someone talking in the audience:



Listen, was I talking while you were over there?



I don't come to where you work and throw rocks at you while you're Frost-ing mowing or whatever it is you do all day...Frost me, people hollering Shakespeare out like it's the Jerry Springer show and Shakespeare.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
07/04/2005 10:25 AM

Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing eighty?





"Hey what happened to Mary?"

"A tire hit her in the face."

"What was she doing putting her face near tires?"

"No no... this tire hunted Mary down. This tire murdered Mary."





Dane Cook

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
07/04/2005 10:34 AM

On Monopoly:



"Frost this game. It's four in the morning, grandma. You win! I'm sitting on Baltic with crap, I'm paying luxury tax out the ass, and I hate when you're the banker. Where'd you get the pink fifties, you cheating whore? Don't Frostin' touch me, grandpa. Nana is a cheating whore! And I should cut your head off with this little doggy."



Dane Cook again







(as you can tell I am having to listen to the cd for some good quotes)

Clint McSahara HotPants 19,555 11
07/04/2005 10:53 AM

"It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common."



Stephen Fry

Clint McSahara HotPants 19,555 11
07/04/2005 10:59 AM

I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.



again, Stephen Fry

Feckoff 2,552 9
07/04/2005 11:57 AM

People think it's weird that I can't drive. So what? I can't swin either.

I think it's a good idea. I mean, what if i drive into a lake?

Smart Choice 1,296 9
07/04/2005 12:01 PM

When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes

Feckoff 2,552 9
07/04/2005 12:02 PM

I think vegetarians have it all wrong, whats this about being kind to animals, and then stealing their food behind their backs so they can starve to death...

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/04/2005 01:01 PM

I hate football because it is too violent. That's why I'm such a huge hockey fan.



- Ludwig van Catt

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/04/2005 11:57 PM

From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.



- Sophie Tucker

0 0
07/05/2005 12:02 AM

A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A

-DickholeMcPenisWrinkle