Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
07/06/2005 12:19 PM

Reading that story.

Duuuuh - 5 Months Pregnant 24,152 8
07/06/2005 12:24 PM

The day I signed the job application.

default_user - Tralfamadorian Opposition Party 12,538 15
07/06/2005 12:34 PM

The day I realized that the only way I was getting my tech job back was to learn hindu...

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
07/06/2005 12:34 PM

While I was away camping, My dog must have Shakespeare in my room.

I stepped in it while I was bringing all of my bags inside. It was cold and I was barefoot.

gwallaia 3,510 12
07/06/2005 12:55 PM

Or interior designer in our office, also known as the Office Princess, was taking a dump in the ladies room a while back when I heard her scream.



I ran back there just in time as she opened the door and begged me for help. The toilet backed up and water and Shakespeare was flowing over the edge.



I got the hell out of there but our receptionist grabbed a plunger and went right in there like she was storming Normandy.



I should not have been so scared though, these were the turds of the Office Princess so surely they did not stink.

Clint McSahara HotPants 19,555 11
07/06/2005 12:59 PM

known as the Office Princess



..but nowadays she's known as the Orifice Princess right?

PrincessBritt 4,730 9
07/06/2005 01:14 PM

In our our office building, we had an extra office that we used to rent out to this builder. He had an assistant that used to bring her daughter with her all the time. It never bothered anyone because she kept the kid in her office, with the door shut.



One day she brought the little girl along with a friend. Luckily I wasn't there at the time, but my co-workers informed me that at some point in the early evening, the two kids went into the bathroom.



One of them (or possibly both) took a massive crap and they both took turns spreading it all over the walls, the sink, the trash can, everything. It took our cleaning lady all weekend to get rid of it all.



We gave her a really big raise.

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
07/06/2005 01:14 PM

This one was pretty Frost-ing terrible. I only wish I could say it was the only experience like that, but not at the camp full of hell spawns that I worked at.



One day three summers ago, a few little heathens came running up to me, screaming about some mess in the girls bathroom. This was before the neon vomit incident, but after the Shakespearety bus incident, so needless to say I was less than eager to go in and find out what had happened. I grabbed another female counselor and we walked down to the girl's bathroom, arguing over who would go in first. I won, and she entered the bathroom while I waited in the hallway. It was actually a good thirty second before she started screaming, at which point I went in to aide her in whatever horror she may now be facing. I never, even after all my previous experiences, could have expected what I was about to find.



I walked in expecting to find mangled animal corpses or perhaps be knee deep in sewage, but the bathroom looked pretty normal. It smelled horrible, but this was not unusual for a camp bathroom. I headed back past the showers to the toilet stalls, and I saw the other counselor with her back against the wall, staring in amazement into one of the stalls.

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
07/06/2005 01:15 PM

Now this camp had children up to 13 years old, and then counselors anywhere from 16 to 25 years old, so I half expected to see a fetus in the toilet by the shock and awe on her face. But the closer I got to her the stronger the Shakespeare smell got, leading me to believe that perhaps a clogged toilet was our issue of the day. I would not be so lucky.



I held my breath and peeked into the stall. What I saw was so unbelievable that I actually did a double take, and had to look again. It appeared that someone had smeared Shakespeare over the ENTIRE STALL. The walls, the toilet, the floor, the buttwipe dispenser, were all covered with a thick coat of rich, brown poo-frosting.



I could not believe it. It would be one thing for a child to have an accidentally Shakespeare themself or clog a toilet, but there was no way that a mess like this was done on accident. Worse, it was obvious by the way it looked that the culprit had done it by hand. Now, I know there are some weird people on the planet, but I honestly could not understand what could have gotten nto the mind of a little girl and to make her think, "Hey I am bored today. I'm gonna go Shakespeare in my hand and smear it all over the bathroom stall."

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
07/06/2005 01:16 PM

Action needed to be taken, because there was no way that I was ever going to deal with this sort of mess again. We gathered up all the campers, both boys and girls as many of us female counselors could not believe a girl was responsible for this, and merely said that there had been an incident in the girls bathroom. We didn't say what, as very few campers actually knew what had happened, and hoped that the little Shakespeare artist would step forward. Of course no one did, so we went to Plan B.



We told them to get into single file lines by group, and each counselor was in charge of examining and sniffing the hands of each of their charges. I am proud to day this was my little scheme, as I was fairly sure that any child who was capable of playing with poo would not be too careful about washing their hands. Pretty soon a male counselor shouted, "We have a winner!"



It was a little 9 year old boy who had been caught brown handed. He didn't even plead his innocence, as the evidence against him was as clear as the Shakespeare under his fingernails. The only question left was, "WHY??!!"



His answer was quite simple and to the point: "I crapped my pants during basketball and didn't know what to do. So, I thought it would be funny to smear it all over the girls room."



The worst part was, in my opinion anyway, that the little Shakespeare had put the dirty underwear back on and went about his day.

PrincessBritt 4,730 9
07/06/2005 01:18 PM

Erika, do you go to camp at my office?

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
07/06/2005 01:18 PM

You should've called CSI. They could've taken fingerprints and figured out whodunit.

Duuuuh - 5 Months Pregnant 24,152 8
07/06/2005 01:21 PM

Erika, it sounds like the camp you worked at should be renamed to tubgirl training camp.

erika the killjoy 76,152 9
07/06/2005 01:21 PM

Wow Britt, talk about a simulpost. Maybe it was the same little kid. We should brand him so that future establishments can be forewarned.

gwallaia 3,510 12
07/06/2005 01:23 PM

Surely, Erika, you made this little turd clean the bathrooms.



btw, I can't believe Tubgirl has not made an appearance in this thread yet.

PrincessBritt 4,730 9
07/06/2005 01:25 PM

I'm sure he'd be perfectly content if we just lock him up in a bathroom, away from society.

Armored 3,923 8
07/06/2005 01:36 PM

Unreal.



I am at work right now. We just had a "special" group come in. By special I mean mentally handicapped adults.



In our women's bathroom is an extra-large blue trashcan. This thing is so massive that sometimes we don't have to change it for days on end.



Regardless, I just discovered that one of the "special" people mistook the trashcan for a toilet and pissed/Shakespeare in it.



Marvelous. Somebody end me.

Fratberry 282,940 53
07/06/2005 01:50 PM

We do not refer to those kinds of people as "special". No, that would be hurtful. We prefer the term "gentle snowflakes".

OneEyedTrouserTrout 6,046 8
07/06/2005 01:54 PM

I was at a beach party on Monday (the 4th) Anyhow, Some little pus bag thought it would be funny to light off an M-80 in this massive pile of dog Shakespeare. Besides scarring the Frost out of us, and damn near sending some old dude in to cardiac arrest, it blew chunks'o'crap all over the food on the picnic table. Worse yet it hit the beer cooler! If there wasn't so many potential witnesses I would have disemboweled the snot nosed little asswipe on the spot.

MiLLie 116,988 28
07/06/2005 02:00 PM

As I have mentioned before, my ex-husband used to be a manager of a Goodwill store. There were several times he had to clean Shakespeare out of the dressing rooms. The store had no public restroom, so I guess people figured--"Hell, it's a stall, sure, there's no toilet, but close enough."



He also had to clean Shakespeare out of the donation bins outside.



The worst thing he had to clean out when the whole floor of the donation bin was covered in maggots.



My sister used to work at a public swimming pool in Nashua, NH, and often had to clean Shakespeare off the walls. Apparently, this is a common pastime.

MiLLie 116,988 28
07/06/2005 02:01 PM

I can't say, for myself, I have had any Shakespearety jobs, except when I used to own an apartment building and had to clean dogShakespeare out of a room. The tenants never walked their four Rotweillers and just kept them in one of the bedrooms. What I thought was dried mud all over the floors and lower walls proved to be dogShakespeare once it got wet. We ended up having to refinish the hardwood floors.



We had another tenant who had two dogs (a Pitbull and Rotweiller--O.K. it wasn't a great neighborhood and we had to rent the apartments!) She, also, had an aversion to walking her doggies (they were sweet dogs, too.) Her apartment was in the basement and carpeted. We had to evict her, and for months beforehand the first floor tenants were complaining about the odor.



When we finally got her out of the apartment, we could barely breathe because of the stench of dog urine.



When my ex went in to rip out the carpet, he also got covered in flea bites and became ill from it.



We had to rip out the subfloor and replace the ceiling tiles because of the smell. I don't know how she and her daughter were able to live there without being seriously sick.



There have been many Shakespeare-experiences in the restrooms at Home Depot, but luckily I haven't had to clean them up.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
07/06/2005 02:04 PM

I once took a Shakespeare while roped to three other people.

Fratberry 282,940 53
07/06/2005 02:30 PM

So.Glad.I'm.Not.Coming.To.Boston.

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
07/06/2005 02:43 PM

Frat, did you just assume that if you came to Boston you'd be tied to Nutbutter for some reason?



And Nutbutter, THE Frost?

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
07/06/2005 03:16 PM

And Nutbutter, THE Frost?



Heh. I was on a glacier, not in a bedroom. We were all about 30 feet apart or so. Unroping is not wise.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
07/06/2005 03:24 PM

You normally Shakespeare in the bedroom?

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
07/06/2005 03:29 PM

No, but that's usually where I'm roped to other people.

Fratberry 282,940 53
07/06/2005 04:24 PM

Frat, did you just assume that if you came to Boston you'd be tied to Nutbutter for some reason?



IT WAS IN THE BROCHURE!!

Duuuuh - 5 Months Pregnant 24,152 8
07/06/2005 04:58 PM

Sadly, Fratberry wasn't lying.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
07/06/2005 05:04 PM

Hot Pot of Coffee! Duh's got some decent photoshop skills.

Duuuuh - More Addictive Than Crack 24,152 8
07/06/2005 05:14 PM

Thank you Sombrero. Would you care for something to drink?

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
07/06/2005 05:31 PM

So. Another camping story.





Our group site had two outhouses installed this year, They were nice. Smelled great, and fairly clean. However, they had some funky looking green and red spiders inside them.



Regardless, It was my warehouse manager's wickedly drunken idea to prank our head Manager, Jim. But for this purpose, We'll call him Ham, like I do.

(Jim -> Jimbo -> Jambon [which is french for] -> Ham)



So Ham disappears around the corner of our cook shelter towards the outhouse, we knew it was time to act.

Two of us crept siently through the evening darkness towards the Shakespearehouses. I had a camera and a menacing cackle at my disposal, the whse. manager had her weapon. A bottle of Jamacian Ginger Beer. (it's a small chubby bottle, bearing a resemblance to a bottle of Billy beer. I'm no Jeprep)



Most outhouses have a stink vent tube in them, Most of the time they're about as big around as a persons calf, so bottles and cans go down them easily.



Pause to administer an evil grin.



SPLOOSH!!



Unfortunately, No splashback on the balls. We did, however, scare the sphincter off of Ham. He let out the loudest fart/Shakespeare ever. I fell to the ground laughing right then, and was busted for the crime a minute later, post wipe.

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
07/06/2005 05:39 PM

Nutbutter did you wipe, or did they just let you dangle for a bit then shake you a few times over the ledge ?

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
07/06/2005 05:48 PM

I shat into a plastic bag, wiped, picked it up with the bag and put it in my pack to carry out with me.



People melt the snow for drinking water so you needed to pack out all your Shakespeare.

Fratberry 282,940 53
07/06/2005 05:51 PM

Kinda like Trixxie, huh?

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
07/06/2005 05:56 PM

So Professor, when can we expect the "Fake Brownies on my climbing expedition Prank" article?

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
07/06/2005 05:58 PM

Care for a lemon snow cone?

Balfazz 518 9
07/06/2005 08:54 PM

When I used to work at the bank, it did not have toilets with water in them because the land did not "perk". We had "chemical" toilets which actually burned up the deposits after they were deposited. They smelled putrid.

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
07/06/2005 09:31 PM

We had "chemical" toilets which actually burned up the deposits after they were deposited.





I hear that it does wonders for the completion on your ass though. They call it a poor mans chemical peel evidently.

rahrahgranny 773 7
07/06/2005 10:07 PM

Erika, it sounds like the camp you worked at should be renamed to



CRAP CAMP...send your little Shakespeares off to play with other little Shakespeares!

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/06/2005 11:24 PM

One day at my old job I was caught on the wrong end of an innocent conversation.



The caller's mother just came back from the hospital, and he actually did the survey. After I completed it I said "Have a great evening and the same goes with your mother." After that I hung up.



I got written up and suspended for one day for that comment.



How many times can the phrase "and the same goes with your mother" be said and it NOT be an insult?

SHP, with only a little P 181,790 70
07/06/2005 11:34 PM

used to work at the bank,..."chemical" toilets which actually burned up the deposits after they were deposited.



Screw that bank.

Armored 3,923 8
07/06/2005 11:36 PM

What kind of chemical does one use to incinerate BMs?



Kryptonite?

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/06/2005 11:44 PM

The day I got fired from a suicide hotline might get ranked high on that list.

Fartpuppy is not worthwhile 5,142 13
07/06/2005 11:48 PM

Ha! I'd like to read about that in the papers.



Think of the irony.



And how the Frost do you do that?

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/07/2005 12:00 AM

I hit on a girl that called the hotline. I went as far as having phone sex with her and promising her the real thing to follow after work.



The girl was someone I knew and I started dating her for four years after the night of a lifetime. And for some strange reason I was fired

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
07/07/2005 12:22 AM

Sylvester, I read your post a few times, and this is what I keep getting out of it.



You masturbated to her killing herself and then you dated her corpse for four years, but it was okay because she had red hair.

Sylvester 4,465 9
07/07/2005 12:43 AM

The worst part was that she actually died four years later in a car accident. Even worse, it was on the day I bought the engagement ring for her.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
07/07/2005 12:46 AM

A fatal accident? Hmmm, guess there's no way you are going to save money on car insurance. But at least you can sell the ring for some redheaded hookers.

gwallaia 3,510 12
07/07/2005 01:29 AM

Many years ago I worked as a valet parker at a fancy hotel. It was not uncommon for fancy cars like Jaguars, Ferraris and Rolls to pull up. I even met Walter Cronkite and Neil Armstrong, but I digress. This thread is supposed to be about Shakespeare.



In the employee cafeteria down in the basement, there was a one hole rest room down the hall that was rarely used. I had 10 minutes left on my break and the latest issue of Field and Stream. The anticipation was building as I approached the rest room.



As I opened the door, a large Hispanic man with a Dallas Cowboys hat was sitting there Shakespeare-ing away. The moment was made more awkward because our eyes met for just the briefest of seconds.



Luckily my quick wit delivered the following greeting which concluded our "moment" together gracefully.



"How 'bout dem Cowboys!"

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
07/07/2005 01:31 AM

Clickie for the name drop, I appreciate it.

MiLLie 116,988 28
07/07/2005 12:27 PM

Not only is that not safe for work, dry guy, it is Frost-ing disgusting. Thank you.