Stupid-Size Me!
A comedy article
by Livewire  78,229  13
07/10/2005 10:40 PM 412 views
|
|
As I walked home from Cloverdale's famed and fabled flea market today, I suddenly had the hankering for some food. No getting around it, I was hungry. Being fairly stupid, I went for some fast food. I had no idea I was in for the fast food adventure of a lifetime.
I settled on Wendy's because it was on my way. I got in line behind a veritable plethora of human flesh. Anyone looking at this crowd would have no trouble believing that fast food is directly responsible for the obesity epidemic. When it came my turn to order, I asked for my usual: a number 2 combo, without onions or pickles. And a Diet Coke with no ice to drink.
Because the staff is primarily East Indian, I've had to learn to speak a little Punjabi to communicate with the Wendy's people. For example, there are four sizes of beverage cups in their language: S'more; Me, Jim; Raj; and Uncle Raj. I suppose "Me, Jim" is a generic derogatory term for white people, but I don't mind. I believe Raj is the guy who works the drive-thru. He looks pretty husky, so that's why the big size is named after him. I guess Uncle Raj is even thirstier. The girl read back my order: "Dumbur dugombo, nawonyono piggle, Me Jim Diet Coke no ice." She asked if I wanted to "fubar fudge" my order, which would give me a Raj drink and Uncle Raj fries. "No Super Size, thanks." She told me the total and I forked over some cash.
The restaurant was pretty filthy because it was so busy that no one could be bothered to clean it. I did manage to find one table with no garbage or vomit on it. I stashed my shopping bag under the table and sat down to enjoy my meal. I always eat my fries first. I finished my fries and took a small sip of my beverage to wash them down. I opened the burger, only to find that the burger had onions and pickles all over it. I accidentally got a few drops of ketchup from my hamburger on the napkin. This seems like a trivial bit of information, but it becomes important later.
I took the burger back up to the counter, and asked the cashier (not the one who had taken my order) if she could kindly re-make the burger, but without pickes or onions. She replied, "Diu wand begging on?" I responded, "No, I don't want any bacon on it. I want it made the way I ordered it, without onions or pickles." I hastily added, "Nawonyono piggle," in hopes my Punjabi translation would be helpful. Fortunately the manager was right there and understood my complaint. The burger was replaced shortly.
I returned to my table. Or rather tried to. I could not find my table because all the tables that did not have people sitting at them were empty. Completely empty. I looked under some tables and found my shopping bag, but there was no sign of my tray. I said, "Whaaaaaaa?" One of the staff came up to me and inquired, "Did I take your drink?" I replied, "I don't know, did you recently remove a tray with a completely full beverage cup on it?" She said yes, and asked if I would like another Coke. I told her, "No, I don't like Coke." Uncomfortable silence. "Just the Diet Coke I ordered please. With no ice."
She brought back the Diet Coke as ordered. I wolfed down the corrected hamburger and finished off the Diet Coke. The food was pretty good and I was just getting ready to mentally forgive the place for being so disorganized. With my tray having been taken away, I no longer had my napkins, so I went back to the napkin counter to get napkins to wipe the grease from my face. I reached into the napkin dispenser and pulled out a single yellow napkin. The first napkin did my face, but I still needed to wipe my hands. I pulled out the second napkin, only to find four little dried ketchup splats on it. The same ketchup splats I had put on it some minutes earlier. I felt ill. They were recycling napkins!
It's moments like this I curse my cast-iron stomach. The perfect means of retribution would have been to projectile vomit all over their restaurant. All I could think of was to shout, "Oh my God, they're recycling napkins!" I was hoping for a "Soylent Green is people" reaction, but few people even looked up from their food. I dejectedly went back to my table, picked up the tray, and dumped it in the garbage. The whole tray. In the garbage. Tray and all.
That's right. Stick it to the man!
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
55 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1238628
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
12 Comments on "Stupid-Size Me!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1240262
No_Key_Bandit 76,490  10
07/13/2005 12:19 AM
Great Article.
Unfortunately your "corrected hamburger" probably had some sort of "correction fluid" in it.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1240346
Livewire 78,229 13
07/13/2005 03:05 AM
What, you mean Liquid Paper?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1242190
Giddy 0 8
07/15/2005 06:38 PM
Recycled napkins,
ewwwwwwwwww
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1242196
dropkick brody 43,090 12
07/15/2005 07:01 PM
The last time I went to Wendys was in Florida, and we had the surliest waitress/waiter (could have been either) ever.
Now, up to that point all the people I had encountered in America were pleasant and helpful (at least to my face). But Von-Marie was awful.
She banged our food down on the tray, and though we had a small order it must have taken at least 20 minutes for her to read the order, walk to the fryer, get one portion of frys, walk back, reread the order etc...
I hope there wasn't spit in my chilli.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1242198
dropkick brody 43,090 12
07/15/2005 07:10 PM
Then what do you call them?
The dregs of society?
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1244957
Livewire the Kelly Girl 78,229 13
07/20/2005 12:32 AM
If you're not in India, all of India is East India.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Store
