Chris Garrettt 86,932 12
08/16/2005 07:16 AM

now it is 5:40 pm on Tuesday



Can you e-mail me the lottery numbers for tonight?

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 07:30 AM

Is it 2?



















(obligatory)

Potrzebie 1,790 9
08/16/2005 07:33 AM

I hear the schitty beef is good this time of year.

Chris Garrettt 86,932 12
08/16/2005 07:39 AM

You know, I would imagine that in a Communist country such as China, that they would probably monitor the internet activities of people, ESPECIALLY foriegners.



With that in mind, don't forget, the rendezvous point to pick up the nuclear secrets is tomorrow afternoon at 2pm in front of the big temple. You'll see an Asian man with a limp, he goes by the name of "Xu."



Ask him for a cigarette so he knows its you.



And remember, the company WILL disavow all information and knowledge of knowing you if you are captured.



Have a nice trip.

Release the One Legged Space Chickens 286,527 61
08/16/2005 07:40 AM

Are they really sideways? Oh wait, I forgot who I was asking.

Release the One Legged Space Chickens 286,527 61
08/16/2005 07:40 AM

Whom?

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 07:41 AM

Everything here is schitty.



This being day 3 of my communist experience, I decided that I was craving western food. I found a place with the word "Cafe" in the name and actual forks on the table as opposed to chopsticks. Not just that, but their menu was in Chinese and English.



As tempting as ordering an enchilada was (I'm not kidding, I may have to try it) I decided to go for a pizza made with "preserved sausage." While I was waiting for it, I started getting Fear Factor flashbacks. "You must now eat 100 year old sausage!"



The pizza looked decent, and then I started eating it. I did not locate a single trace of tomato sauce, but instead, the pizza was covered in sliced onions. Not just a bit of onion here and there. It was as covered in onion as Trae's hoohaa is covered with STDs.



By the time I was done, I felt as if I had eaten 2 entire onions. No wonder everyone's breath here stinks.



Did I also mention that every person I met yesterday was wearing the same clothes today?

Princess Mary of Denmark 86,705 14
08/16/2005 07:44 AM

Hello Therlin! I'm royal this week!

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 07:46 AM

Yeah hi, did I mention that I just had my 3rd runny poop of the afternoon?

Princess Mary of Denmark 86,705 14
08/16/2005 07:50 AM

I just had a runny poop too. I put it down to eating lettuce for the first time in 6 months.





Have any boys asked if they can rove you rong time yet?

Release the One Legged Space Chickens 286,527 61
08/16/2005 07:51 AM

Have you tried the Coke? You know they pee in it.

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 07:53 AM

I have tried their "Coca Cola Light". I guess they just spit in it.

Princess Mary of Denmark 86,705 14
08/16/2005 07:57 AM

Anyhoo, I will leave you plebs to it. I've had enough of poop talk, I have to go do royal stuff now.







*does that weird royal wave*

Trixxiewan Kenobie 65,026 15
08/16/2005 09:22 AM

Hey Therlin, long time. Anyway finding a cricket in communist china is very lucky. Put it in a little cage and hide it in the throne in the forbidden city; then when you come back in 40 years after having been emperor as child and then imprisoned by the communist the cricket will still be there and alive.

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 09:33 AM

Poor cricket. Your story made me sad.



You'd like it here. Everywhere I go I see a pick up truck carrying a bunch of shirtless guys. The first time I saw one of those was at the airport. I thought that it was the official China Welcome Wagon but that didn't seem to be the case. Apparently you can just order guys by the truck load.



Please note that I have only seen one mildly attractive guy, and as you know, they don't pack much heat.

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
08/16/2005 09:45 AM

Therlin wrote that China really hurts,

And the food tastes like African dirts,

He said that poached eye of fish,

Is a bad vile dish,

That produces frequent fecal squirts.



His trips to the loo now hold dread,

And he wishes he'd just wind up dead,

Those liquid blasts from his ass,

Mixed with acidic gas,

Make his butt, like the junta, deep red.



Yeah, I know it's nowhere near St. Patty's Day but it seems like this is the only way I can fill up a pee tube these days.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
08/16/2005 09:50 AM

Go find an American restaurant and see if you get hungry an hour after eating there.

Trixxiewan Kenobie 65,026 15
08/16/2005 09:50 AM

Look for a half breed. They can be fairly decently hung and their meat smells slightly reminiscent of lotus flowers.

REAPERR-FU 12,363 11
08/16/2005 10:02 AM

Ask if they want to see the real big red 1.

Duh-Dum-Dum 24,152 8
08/16/2005 10:11 AM

Therlin, paint your entire body green and run around with the music from from Godzilla blasting from a boombox...Oh wait, China....Riiiiight.



Go around and keep asking everyone if they're Jackie Chan. You're bound to find him sooner or later...

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 10:47 AM

There are men here who look like the evil people from bad Chinese movies. It's so weird. They are scary.



It is now almost 10 pm so I'm going to have to go to bed in a little so that I can get back to work in the morning. I use the word "bed" loosely because their even though the mattress looks like any other mattress but it is as hard as sleeping on a board. Literally.



Obviously their mattress technology is not as advanced as ours.



I tried to sleep on the couch since it's softer, but the fabric is very plastic-like and doesn't breathe well so I woke up in a pool of sweat.



I'm starting to wonder if my employer was just mad at me and decided to send me here as a punishment.

Trae - Please return me to my upright position 156,790 17
08/16/2005 12:30 PM

Do me a favor and just go into any random restaurant and yell "SUPPLIES!!!" and see what happens.

Grabem 206 8
08/16/2005 03:57 PM

So you are the reason that Gab is so slow today. Its waiting for your messages to come all the way from China.

Stygian Snork 45,655 12
08/16/2005 05:18 PM

Wuss.

Mr. Mass of Incandescent Glass 25,340 11
08/16/2005 05:25 PM

Despite their differences, China and the American south sound remarkably similar.

Duh-Dum-Dum 24,152 8
08/16/2005 05:29 PM

I love your idea Trae, I think Therlin could go one step further by recording barking, sneaking the player into the kitchen and hiding it somewhere discreet.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
08/16/2005 05:30 PM

Therlin Claus had better be sending all the perverted male gabbers some soiled Vending Machine panties.

Spicey McHaggis 117,760 37
08/16/2005 05:39 PM

Did anyone else read the thread title and think that Therlin had gone hetero?





No? Just me?







Okay.









Carry on, then.

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 09:54 PM

Not only can't they say the letter "L" here, they apparently can't write it either. This morning it took me 5 minutes to figure out that a guy wanted to be "trained" on some software and not "tlaint"



The Beijing airport has signs that say "Smorking Room". I so have to take a picture of that.



We tried to tip our waitress last night. She kept chasing us through the restaurant and out on the street to give us the money back and we were insisting that she keeps the 12 Yuan that we left (that's like $1.50). I'm not cheap either, my meal was about 20 Yuan.



We almost caused an international incident which would have somehow caused the gas prices to sky rocket in the US - apparently anything does that nowadays.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
08/16/2005 10:08 PM

Did anyone else read the thread title and think that Therlin had gone hetero?



Actually, after seeing Therlin's stomach, I was afraid "Hello from the other side" meant he was about to show off his prostate exam.

Chickens with Salmonella 286,527 61
08/16/2005 10:21 PM

Like Nutters said once, sometimes it's the one click posts that I like best. Just proud that someone who thinks on a higher level got the joke. Thank you, whoever you are. Whom?

Therlin 12,200 13
08/16/2005 11:07 PM

Phla, you mean this?

Bonky 75,733 15
08/17/2005 05:18 AM

I hope you brought them pictures of your tummy.

Bonky 75,733 15
08/17/2005 05:19 AM

I should maybe read perhaps what the other schmoils have made with the typing, and what not.

supergrover 4,517 9
08/17/2005 09:14 AM

Therlin Claus had better be sending all the perverted male gabbers some soiled Vending Machine panties.



That's Japan. But if you're looking for soiled undies, I make a new pair every few hours.

Uncle Pie 26,981 11
08/17/2005 10:55 AM

"It's flied lice, you plick"

Therlin 12,200 13
08/17/2005 06:55 PM

I'd like to continue my Great Communist Adventure and talk about yesterday.



The day started with me going to this meeting room where they had a big painting of a rainbow and the letters WWJD on it. I found this rather amusing because all know that communists are automatically going to hell, and therefore are not Christian. So I asked if they knew what WWJD stood for. Sure enough, they didn't. I explained that it was religious and it meant "What Would Jesus Do?" The looks around the room were incredible. Their eyes kept going to the painting and total silence filled the room. Few times have I ever wished for a real-life Undo button, this was one of them.



At night they took me to a restaurant where they served "hot liquor", or "paint thinner" as I called it (because I think it said so on the label.) I shoot everclear on occasion. This stuff made everclear taste like chocolate milk. One small ceramic cup of it and I had a very good buzz. My Chinese hosts got wasted on a single cup, what followed was a night of them making penis jokes and attempting to spit fire by spitting the left-over hot liquor over an open flame.



The night ended with us going to a very nice and high class massage parlor. I paid US$5 for a 2 hour massage. There was no happy ending.



Unless that by happy ending you refer to my "ass of fire" experience while I had to poop my hot and spicy dinner out a few hours later.

BobJohnson, King of Belgium 178,045 22
08/17/2005 07:02 PM

If I were in China, I would carry around a whip and call everyone Short Round. Oh, the times I'd have.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
08/18/2005 03:53 AM

You should have followed up the WWJD thing with "Jesus would mow my lawn, like the good little wetback I pay him to be."



Then explain that Mexicans are landscapers. And that his brother Juan brings you coffee on his burro.



Oh, and you know that if you go back there tomorrow, the painting will be run over by a tank.