Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
08/17/2005 12:39 PM

Having done enough hallucinogens to make Marv Albert think he's sodomizing a Hippo in a Clown suit, I'd have to say that heaven for me will be whatever my subconcious mind decides to create for my viewing pleasure for all of eternity.



*Turns off Waking Life*

*Smokes some Di-Methyl Tryptamine*

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
08/17/2005 12:39 PM

When I die

Don't think I'm a nut

Don't want no fancy funeral

Just one like ol' King Tut.

OneEyedTrouserTrout 6,046 8
08/17/2005 12:42 PM

When I die I'm going to be buried face down in a shallow grave so the kids will have a place to park their bicycles

Mr. Sir 66,722 9
08/17/2005 12:51 PM

My ideal place/ heaven would be in a setting like my parent's backyard, the pool sparkling in the sun, just enough shade to cover the lounge chairs, and the right friends and family there.



Kegs full of beer that would take you to the "just right" level of drunk, and never got skunky or gave you a headache.



Grills full of foods that you could eat all day and never feel "too full"



Girls that are comfortable sunbathing nude while some weirdo stands over them, drooling.



And 75 virgins. I'm not gonna' blow myself up or anything, but that sounds like a pretty good deal.

UnderHaggis! 101,398 77
08/17/2005 02:31 PM

meh. Virgins are overrated.

jlfjr 896 9
08/17/2005 02:37 PM

agreed. After virgin number 10 you would want someone with a little experience

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
08/17/2005 02:45 PM

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! IT BURNS, IT BURRRRRNS!



Or something like that.

Kittuns: The Moosinator™ 44,835 9
08/17/2005 02:50 PM

For what ever reason, DR's post made me really sad. I really, really want to give him a hug and tell him it's going to be ok.



Then, I'll get him some brand new Barbies, some black Sharpies and scissors and we'll make Goth-Time Barbies and take them to Arizona to play in the over-55 trailer parks.

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
08/17/2005 02:52 PM

I'm already dead.......... so I'll just keep haunting Zug

Deepan the Paranoid Android 2,042 8
08/17/2005 03:03 PM

In heaven, the DMV would have a million lines, with people clamoring to give you attention.



In heaven, Indians speak perfect English, and have to actually correct yours.



In heaven, the stupid shmo always gets the hot, smart girl, and the jocks become flaming homosexuals.



In heaven, the president gets to be flogged whenever he does something stupid.



In heaven, cars run on human-produced gas. A spicy chicken burrito with beans and guac would be considered their version of Premium Unleaded.



In heaven, you can Shakespeare anywhere, and wherever you Shakespeare a pot of flowers will spring up.



In heaven, GABBERS will start threads that are always funny, and the hilarity is never ending.





Frost, it'd be heaven if that happened 10% of the time.

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
08/17/2005 03:05 PM

I want to find Heaven......... surely I'm not on the right thread

Aimless 54,807 10
08/17/2005 03:15 PM

My Own Personal Heaven

By Aimless



In my own personal heaven there would be a sea of hot fudge and boats made of Godiva dark chocolate with white chocolate oars. The boats would be ferried by tan muscular men who only accept the payment of allowing them to rub your back and feet. The sea would be framed by mountains made of peeled bananas where a steady shower of chocolate chip ice cream snow would fall on the pecan rocks. Scattered in the sea would be tiny islands with crushed Oreo beaches and McDonalds french fry palm trees that grow Cadbury egg coconuts. Through each island a cold stream of Lemon Ice would flow through beds of raspberries. There would be cotton candy clouds floating lazily through the purple sky and if a breeze blew it would smell faintly of fresh coffee.





Frost-ing cravings.

HartmanTwins 10,131 10
08/17/2005 03:23 PM

My Own Personal Heaven

by HartmanTwins



My personal heaven would be to finally lose my virginity with a girl to drunk to say "no" and too ugly to care.

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
08/17/2005 03:51 PM

I had a boyfriend who had a theory that Hell would actually be Heaven, and Heaven would be Hell.

His thinking was that all his friends were worthless pieces of Shakespeare (this much was true) and that they were all going to Hell (this is probably true, too). So he figured that if he went to Heaven, he would be lonely, but if he went to Hell, all his friends would be there.



In my version of Heaven, all the people I love are there. And there's a special part of Heaven for all the kind-hearted people in the world, like Chickens. God puts those people in a different part, and his little part of Heaven has nothing but chocolate and candy to eat, and all the soda you could ever want.

Unfortunately, that's also where God stores all the brats in the world. Those who take care of them in life and trapped in a gated community with them for all eternity.





That said, I think that irony plays a big part here on GAB. I have a feeling that DR is going to outlive us all. Most likely after the rest of us die in some freak orgy accident.

DemoMonkey, Pranked by a Master. 166,252 10
08/17/2005 04:09 PM

Most likely after the rest of us die in some freak orgy accident.



What kind of freaks are we talking about here?

gorckat, Knave of Belgium 41,132 13
08/17/2005 04:17 PM

Heaven has female boobies. LOTS of female boobies. All ages, shapes and sizes, colors and nipple varieties.

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
08/17/2005 04:23 PM

What kind of freaks are we talking about here?



The way I see it, T4 is going to play a big part in this. I think it will most likely start when he sneezes while in a delicate postition.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
08/17/2005 04:26 PM

Kittens, no tears. I was grooving on philosophy with my American cousin this morning.



Can we burn the barbies?

Prof. Fantabulous 19,711 13
08/17/2005 04:30 PM

When i was in grade six, i had a theory that your consciousness was housed in whatever absorbed your carbon molecules after you die.

You would be aware of life as a blade of grass, a bird, insects, a steaming pile of dog Shakespeare, etc.



Now i believe that hell is simply the absence of GOD (not so bad for those who never knew GOD while alive), and heaven is being in the company of GOD (no, not Wal-Mart, i mean in His presence)

theJesus 21 7
08/17/2005 04:46 PM

Actually all there is to do in heaven, is two chicks at the same time.

Declan McManus, Vice Promotion Squad 131,877 36
08/17/2005 04:56 PM

My current heaven.....



A large, well equipped, well stocked kitchen/library with comfortable couches and chairs, with infinitely adjustable lighting and ventilation.



Ice cream would be as nutritious as broccoli, but taste like ice cream.



Several rooms for my collection of antique/classic appliances.



Lots of people I know, who would be delighted to come over to eat and talk, but who would be willing to stay lovingly away when I wanted them to stay lovingly away. Except for their emails and snaili maili letters.



All the interesting writers/artists/scientists/thinkers would be on my Rolodex....



Einstein.



Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas.



Oscar Wilde.



Laurie Colwin.



Pablo Picasso.



Nora and James Joyce.



Dietrich Bonhoeffer.



Jerome Garcia.



Primo Levi.



Alan Turing.



Paul Monette.



Assotto Saint.



Eudora Welty.



But NOT Ernie Hemigway. Never Ernie Hemingway.

Agiel 559 9
08/17/2005 04:58 PM

Hey Professor Fantabulous,

"Hell is the Absence of God" is an awesome short story by Ted Chiang.



Just sayin'

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
08/17/2005 05:48 PM

Going with Declan's idea, I'd have to have a few writers/thinkers/scientists as well.



First and most important-

Nikola Tesla



After that, pretty much anyone can come, as long as Tesla is there. But I'd love to have-



David Sedaris (where is my book, Kake?)



Trent Reznor (that boy just needs an eternity of hugs)



Tom Waits (duh)



Spider Robinson (the man's a genius)



Orson Scott Card, (but he's not allowed to talk about religion or politics)



Bill Clinton (that's right, Chix. You heard me. Choke on it.)



Edison (but only so I can make him Tesla's slave)





Uuuh. I suck at this game. If I don't stop now, I'll keep going. And going. ANd going. And going. And going. And going...

BobJohnson, King of Belgium 178,045 22
08/17/2005 05:50 PM

My personal heaven is kinda like Duck Hunt for the NES, except with people instead of ducks.

La Petite Mort de TableTopJane 173,958 15
08/17/2005 05:52 PM

I could totally take your royal ass at Duck Hunt, Bob.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
08/17/2005 06:40 PM

<action> rises up in the foreground wearing a dog suit and snickers, hand over mouth. Goes back down.</action>

Aimless 54,807 10
08/17/2005 06:50 PM

Why the hell would you want to croud up your heaven with other people??? I deal with people all damn day so when I get to my heaven they better stay the hell off my Oreo beach.

No Lloydering 48,662 14
08/17/2005 08:15 PM

In heaven I will call my customers and yell at them and they will apologize and run around like silly people trying to make me happy. But they never will.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
08/17/2005 08:27 PM

Most likely I'll rot in the ground with the rest of mankind.



If there is a Heaven I ain't getting in. And I wouldn't want to. It'd be full of Christians anyway.



My idea of Heaven is semi-achievable on earth: A big big house, preferably right on a beach in Florida. I want all my family and friends around me, and we would all just hang out. And it would be peaceful and entertaining at the same time. I would be in my dream job, my mum and brother would be doing their dream jobs, and life would be sweet.

Jim-Bob's Pants 2,255 8
08/17/2005 09:54 PM

My dream job is to deflower virgins so that people blowing themselves up seeking their 75 virgins will get ripped off.



My heaven is where all the people who have decided to tell the rest of us that we're going to hell because we don't agree with them burn in the fires of hell they fear so much, and I get to play the devil.



I'd also like 75 insatiable sluts.

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
08/17/2005 10:43 PM

Being an agnostic, I have no idea what heaven would be like, but I'm fairly certain there won't be any accordians.

Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
08/17/2005 10:53 PM

Nothing but Viking helmets and fifes (and maybe a feather boa or two).

Frogpop 173,153 25
08/18/2005 02:00 AM

Nothing but Viking helmets and fifes



Just be careful where you sit.

supergrover 4,517 9
08/18/2005 03:02 AM

It'd be full of Christians anyway





I'm sorry, the correct religion was Mormon.



<southpark>

Duh-Dum-Dum 24,152 8
08/18/2005 10:02 AM

My personal heaven would be:



Anything, but living in Florida...

Lamb Salad Sandwich 33,017 9
08/18/2005 11:00 AM

Orson Scott Card, (but he's not allowed to talk about religion or politics)



But by the time you're both in heaven, arguing about religion would seem kind of pointless don't you think?

HartmanTwins 10,131 10
08/18/2005 11:29 AM

Heaven and Hell are man made concepts created to control the masses. But if we accept the general idea of soul, where does it go after physical death? I believe the soul returns to the collective soul gathering. This gathering would continue to learn from all existence, be it past, present or future, and would continually evolve.



Consider this: The longer a soul is departed from its shell, the less ectoplasm is has to create a form. For sexual creatures like us, that can be sexually frustrating. That being said, when we die, we are immediately gang raped by recent souls capable of fornication. The good news about it is that, you don't have to worry about STDs. The bad news is that you spent your first few ethereal days pumping out ectogunk from all orifices

Stygian Snork 45,655 12
08/18/2005 02:10 PM

My heaven will rock and none of you are invited!



Neener!

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
08/18/2005 05:13 PM

OMG........... this thread is funny. But then again, what do I know?

HartmanTwins 10,131 10
08/18/2005 05:17 PM

What do you know, indeed.

Mr. Mass of Incandescent Glass 25,340 11
08/18/2005 10:18 PM

My personal heaven would be a lot like life now, except the Universe wouldn't be poking me when I try to sleep!

Trae's Napkin on her lap 156,790 17
08/18/2005 10:23 PM

<action> ruins the party





There is no heaven.

Only a dirt nap

Lots of bugs

And you smell like crap



There is no heaven

Only stench,

Dig six feet down

Buried in a trench.



There is no heaven

No angels to adore,

Just rigor mortis

As hard as a kitchen floor.



There is no heaven

Nor no hell,

Enjoy life for now

I'll never tell...

dropkick brody 43,090 12
08/18/2005 10:25 PM

There is no heaven.

Only a dirt nap

Lots of bugs

And you smell like crap



Take it to HoB?

Trae's Napkin on her lap 156,790 17
08/18/2005 10:32 PM

BAHAHAHAHAH!

shut it, you.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
08/18/2005 10:34 PM

<action> runs away crying </action> Ended. In. Tears.