dapinklady 461 7
09/23/2005 08:26 AM

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.



After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.



The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

The Mailman, workal poster 176,450 56
09/23/2005 08:27 AM

<action>writes a pathetic joke</action>

aMurder.com

Dags, Vlaccid is mah bitches! 86,705 14
09/23/2005 08:58 AM

That's it! I'm leaving the internet!

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
09/23/2005 09:53 AM

A guy kicking back at his home hears a knock at the door.



He gets up and opens the door, only to find a little garden snail just sitting there on the door mat.



He picks up the snail, looks at it, and throws it as far as he can.



Three years later, he hears another knock on his door.



He opens it and sees the same snail sitting on the door mat again.



The snail looks up at him and says, "What the Frost was that all about?"

dropkick brody 43,090 12
09/23/2005 09:56 AM

Chit, I friggin' LOVE that joke!



Whats black and white and red all over?



-A sunburnt Zebra.



(Ah, that one sucks so much it hurts).

Jilly 24,693 8
09/23/2005 09:58 AM

On a serious note...

the guy that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died. But that's not the saddest part. The funeral was horrible.

All the trouble started when the family tried to put him in the coffin.

They put his right foot in...

dropkick brody 43,090 12
09/23/2005 09:59 AM

Or, OR:



Whats black, white, black, white, black, white?



A nun rolling down a hill.

Armored 3,923 8
09/23/2005 10:27 AM

How do you make a dead baby float?









- 1 scoop ice cream, 1 scoop dead baby.

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
09/23/2005 10:31 AM

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts"



...........MrsKielbasa

HartmanTwins - GABs token African-American Nigger 10,131 10
09/23/2005 10:37 AM

Took a walk downtown, last week. Saw a guy with no arms, no legs and an eye patch on his left eye. I asked him what happened. He looked at me and in a coarse voice he said "hungry". So I dropped a nickel in his lap. "How did it happen?" I asked again. "Hungry" he repeated. Frustrated, I dropped a dollar in his lap. Once more, "how'd you lose your limbs?" Once again, he said "hungry". I stared at him wide eyed while the realization sunk in. My mom was right. If you're hungry, you'll eat anything.



-HT



PATENT PENDING!



</Simpsons>

Masahiro Duh - Turkey-Slaying Samurai 24,152 8
09/23/2005 10:50 AM

A women is strolling down the beach and happens upon Stephen Hawking sitting in his wheelchair on the boardwalk."You're Stephen Hawking aren't you? I've read all your books, I'd do anything for you!" Hawking took a moment to type out his response:" Would you go out on a date with me? I've never gone on a date, since most women don't like quadrapalegics." The woman eagerly agreed and took him on a romantic roll of the boardwalk. When they had stopped she asked him if there was anything else she could do for him. "Would you kiss me? I've never been kissed." he typed. She kissed him very passionately and smiled, asking him if there was anything else she could do for him. "Will you Frost me? I've never been Frosted." he typed. With a smile she pushed his wheelchair into the ocean, "Now you're Frosted!"



Hours later, the reporters were questioning everyone in sight. Finally they the woman. "You were the last person to speak with him, did he have any last words before his suicide?", asked the reporters with eager eyes. The woman looked right into the camera and said:"Yes, he said blink-blink, blink blink blink!"

dapinklady 461 7
09/23/2005 11:00 AM

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?



to get to the bottom

dapinklady 461 7
09/23/2005 11:02 AM

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.



She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"



He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."



She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."



St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."



She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

dapinklady 461 7
09/23/2005 11:23 AM

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!" He shines his flashlight around and finds no one. He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you." This time he shines the light to discover a parrot. He asks, "Was that you talking ?" The parrot answers "Yes." The burglar asks, "What is your name?" The parrot replies, "Clarence." The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

Max Planck 18,881 12
09/23/2005 11:33 AM

Three guys were walking down the street.

The first guy said "I'm hungry"

The second guy said "No it's not, it's Thursday"

The third guy said "Me too, let's go get a drink"



And a variation of this lame joke is:



Four guys were walking down the street.

The first guy said "I'm hungry"

The second guy said "No it's not, it's Thursday"

The third guy said "Me too, let's go get a drink"

And the fourth guy was a caterpillar.

Robin® 14,626 10
09/23/2005 12:42 PM

There were two cows sitting in a tree. A submarine went buy. One cow said, "Why is it always me?"

Oliver Chest: Vlaccid Boner 203,475 12
09/23/2005 12:46 PM

How many surrealists does it take to decorate a Christmas tree?









The fish.

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
09/23/2005 12:49 PM

A pathetic joke eh?



johnnykielbasa2000's birth.



Nathyn's conception.

Cletus 238 10
09/23/2005 12:54 PM

A bear and a rabbit were in the woods taking a Shakespeare.Bear looked at the rabbit and asked him if he had a problem with Shakespeare sticking to his fur.The rabbit said no,why? The bear then picked the rabbit up and wiped his ass with him.

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
09/23/2005 01:00 PM

A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a 2 foot salami under the other. She puts the poodle on the table, the bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink?"

The naked lady says "OH Shakespeare!"

Chit Eating Grin 178,776 15
09/23/2005 01:07 PM

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice that seems to come from the heavens say: "Saul, sell your business."

He ignores it but it continues calling him for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, and sells his store.



The voice then says 'Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." So he obeys. He goes to a casino and hears the voice again say, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates at first, but realizes he must.



He sits down, bets the money, and is dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. Again, the voice says, "Saul, take a card." What? "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. So reluctantly Saul says, "Hit me" and the dealer flips up another card. It's another ace. "Ha Ha!" "Twenty One!"

The booming voice goes: "un-Frost-ing-believable!"

Cletus 238 10
09/23/2005 01:25 PM

A blind guy and his dog walk into a bar.The blind guy picks up the dog by his tail and twirls him around over his head.The bartender says "Hey man ,What the Frost are you doing"? Just looking around.

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
09/23/2005 01:31 PM

wrong thread Chit Eater..........TFF

Podge2: Judgement Day 56 7
09/23/2005 01:39 PM

"Twenty One!"



You know... I don't really know how to play poker... Is that good or bad?





Either way you read it though - that's pretty funny! Clickies for you!

Podge2: Judgement Day 56 7
09/23/2005 01:42 PM

That's weird! I swear I clicked five but the orbs went down from 4.5 to 4... what's up with that?

Podge2: Judgement Day 56 7
09/23/2005 01:44 PM

Nope, back up to 5. Must've been a glitch! Well played Podge.

OneEyedTrouserTrout 6,046 8
09/23/2005 02:56 PM

"Twenty One!"



You know... I don't really know how to play poker... Is that good or bad?



We are having a friendly little game on Frday. You wanna come?

Podge2: Judgement Day 56 7
09/23/2005 03:10 PM

Sure! "Count me in!"



After the game, I'll be The Man. I'll be the best there is. People will sit down at the table with me, just so they can say they played with The Man. And that's what I'm gonna be, Christian.

Podge2: Judgement Day 56 7
09/23/2005 03:11 PM

Just don't come to my house and eat my potato chips!!!

fossilady 15 7
09/23/2005 03:45 PM

What is the scottish version of "Hey, you, get off of my cloud"?





Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe.

SuhYpa is legal in Canada 5,547 9
09/23/2005 03:49 PM

A black guy, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar. Bartender asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Cruz, all that never was 9,993 12
09/23/2005 03:51 PM

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts ?



Sheep can hear a zipper opening a mile away

Clint McSahara HotPants 19,555 11
09/23/2005 07:27 PM

<action>with an Irish accent</action>Do you know why they only put 239 beans in each jar of bean dip?



If they put more in, it would be too farty.

Dags, Vlaccid is mah bitches! 86,705 14
09/23/2005 07:46 PM

Okay...



Knock knock



Who's there?



Interrupting sheep?





Interrupting sheep wh....





BAA!





































































What? It's FUNNY!

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
09/23/2005 07:52 PM

What do you call a crow in the sky?









A crow-sky!!!











It's not really funny unless you can see the confused expressions of those you're telling it to. It's still not very funny.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
09/23/2005 08:38 PM

I think I've posted this before, but it's late and I can't remember so I'll just post it again-



A man walks into the butchers, and asks where the butcher's assistant is.



Butcher: I had to fire him, he was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer.



Man: What happened to your bacon slicer?



Butcher: I sacked her too.



</stolen from the GREAT Peter Kay>

Whistler P. McManus 186,041 44
09/24/2005 12:12 AM

There's a woman whose husband always calls her Big Butt instead of using her name.



It's always, "Big Butt! Fix me a sammitch," or "Big Butt! Where's the newspaper!"



The woman wants to make her husband think it really doesn't bother her, so she decides to go to the local tattoo parlor and have "Big" tattooed on one ass cheek and "Butt" tattooed on the other.



Unfortunately, the tattoo artist wants a little more money for the work than she has to spare. Finally, they come up with the idea of just inking the initials on - a big "B" on each cheek.



The woman goes home to find her husband sitting in his easy chair. "Hey, Big Butt! Get me a beer," he hollers.



"I'll give you 'Big Butt'," the wife answers, as she drops her pants and bends over, displaying the new tattoo to her husband.



The husband looks the tat over and asks, "Who's Bob?"







</Ronnie, my 9-year-old neighbor>

supergrover 4,517 9
09/24/2005 02:06 AM

Two bums are walking down the railroad track complaining about how hungry they are. As they're walking they come across a dead skunk. The skunk has obviously been laying in the heat for days. There's maggots crawling under the skin and a distinct aroma surounds it. The one bum says, "I'm so hungry I think I'm going to eat it."

Bum two says, "Oh no way. That's disgusting."

Bum one says, "Frost it. I'm going to eat it." And he starts to shovel the skunk guts in his mouth. He gets no further then three bites before he pukes it all up again.

Suddenly the second bum reaches down and starts shoveling the vomit in his mouth. The first bum looks at him horrified, "What are you doing!"

The second bum says, "I knew if I waited long enough I would get a hot meal."



<My dirty uncle Don>

Carnite 1,300 9
09/24/2005 02:28 AM

What's E.T. short for?





Cause he's got little legs.

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
09/24/2005 10:36 AM

Why a crow?

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
09/24/2005 10:36 AM

Caws.

Squisher - Totally not Squeamish since 1985 117 7
09/24/2005 11:08 AM

Did you hear? The circus is in town!



I heard it was intense.



(If you don't get it, say it outloud. If you still don't get it, you owe me a dollar.)

Carnite 1,300 9
09/24/2005 07:04 PM

So is this.

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
09/24/2005 07:06 PM

If you woke up to find that someone had been pounding vaseline into your ass, would you tell anyone?

Carnite 1,300 9
09/24/2005 07:11 PM

About you nad me? Never!



</ Not giving you the satisfaction of your setup>

Carnite 1,300 9
09/24/2005 07:11 PM

About you and me? Never!



</ Not giving you the satisfaction of your setup>

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
09/24/2005 07:14 PM

You need a straight man to set up that joke, and a not straight man to finiShakespeare.

No Lloydering 48,662 14
09/24/2005 07:48 PM

What's black and white and red all over?



A nun in a blender!

Dogs Akimbo 211,574 32
09/25/2005 11:02 AM

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and red?









A nun falling down the stairs.

monkeywrencho 443 9
09/25/2005 02:18 PM

What do you call a Native who graduated from medical school?









A doctor, you racist!

ZombieNamedBub 1,163 8
09/25/2005 03:55 PM

My friend, who worked at a movie theater, used to tell this one to customers when things got slow and he got bored.



So this pirate captain is walking around on the deck of his ship, and it's raining terribly hard. Additionally, his parrot is soaked, and it just so happens to be a Wednesday.



He starts walking along, making sure the cannons are all in working order, checking his maps, when suddenly, from up in the crows nest, the lookout shouts: "Land ahoy!"



So the captain yells back, "You're ahoy!"

Oganic Unit of Awesome Snork 45,655 12
09/25/2005 04:27 PM

-Waiter! Fruits and wine, s'il vous plait!

-Could Monsieur be more specific?

-A bottle of vodka and a pickle!

Dr. Van Nostren 157 7
09/25/2005 04:35 PM

Why did Arnold Schwarzeneger bring his sled to the market?





Tobogan!

Oganic Unit of Awesome Snork 45,655 12
09/25/2005 04:35 PM

Q: Why does the hippopotamus have round feet?

A: For jumping on water-lilies.

Oganic Unit of Awesome Snork 45,655 12
09/25/2005 04:40 PM

-Hello, 911?

-Yes?

-I'm being raped!

-Oh dear! Where is this?

-Up the ass!

Oganic Unit of Awesome Snork 45,655 12
09/25/2005 04:58 PM

I said NO! Take it out!

The Trav in the Rye 502 8
09/25/2005 05:03 PM

What's the best way to pay your respects to a dead baby?











Pull out.

Oganic Unit of Awesome Snork 45,655 12
09/25/2005 05:40 PM

During questioning of a POW:

- Was ist ihre name

- Mein name ist Hans Grubenschinkel

...BLAM across the face...

- I said, was ist ihre name?

- (Surprised) Mein name ist Hans Grubenschinkel!

...BLAM BLAM BLAM...

- WAS IST IHRE NAME!

- (On the verge of tears) Bitte! Mein name ist Hans Grubenschinkel!

- I'll Frost-ing KILL you now if you don't tell me how many Frost-ing tanks you got!

Oganic Unit of Awesome Snork 45,655 12
09/25/2005 05:43 PM

A man with a knife sticking out his back is delivered into ER.



Doctor: Does it hurt?

Man: Only when I laugh, doc.

Cruz, all that never was 9,993 12
09/25/2005 05:44 PM

Rape is never funny











Unless you're raping a clown

Steve is the new Suhypa 5,547 9
09/25/2005 11:13 PM

What's green and has five wheels?



Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Chickens, now with DELICIOUS salmonella 286,527 61
09/26/2005 04:56 AM

A cowboy gets pulled over by a cop. While the cop is writing a ticket, a fly is buzzing him mercilously. The cop swats several times, then in frustration says, Geez, what IS THIS?



That's a cirle fly. sez the cowboy.



Whats a cirle fly asks the cop.



It circles a horses ass all day.



Are you calling me horses ass?



Oh, no sir replies the cowboy.



The cop finishes writing the ticket and just before the cowboy drives away, he turns to the cop and says: one thing bout them flies, they's never wrong.