Better Living Through Reckless Experimentation
A comedy article
by Fratberry  283,018  53
10/15/2005 12:05 AM 1011 views
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I am a chronic pain sufferer. I've treated my body poorly over the years and its payback time. I've got bad knees and ankles from playing football and basketball, further knee injuries from tennis, wrist and left shoulder injuries from tennis and furious masturbation, arthritis, bursitis, tendonitis, broken hand and foot bones... right shoulder injury from a slam dancing accident... a blown right knee ACL, and a whole host of other nagging problems ranging from migraine headaches, to sand in my cooter, to ridiculously long run-on sentences.
As a result of all these maladies, I've had my fair share of pain pills over the years. Over-the-counter medications panic upon entering my system, assessing the damage and realizing there is no hope. The last time I took Advil, it reacted like a New Orleans policeman after a hurricane. The four little pills looted my spleen and attempted to escape through my right ear with a bucket filled with Heinekens. So I've stuck mainly to prescription pain killers and anti-inflammatories to help me make it through a day. And sometimes my prescriptions run out and I have to rely on the kindness of strangers, or in the following case, the kindness of friends who are strange enough to freely give away prescription narcotics.
Friday morning I found a full bottle of OxyContin on my desk at work. The following (paraphrased) is an IM conversation with my good friend, Bankey:
Fratberry: Good God there's a bottle of Oxy on my desk.
Bankey: Somebody find it?
Fratberry: Um, yeah, me. On my desk. Pay attention.
Bankey: Did somebody turn in a lost bottle?
Fratberry: No, somebody gave me their prescription
Bankey: Sweet
Fratberry: Do you know what these are?
Bankey: Oh, I'm well aware
Fratberry: I don't think I should take one of these right now.
Bankey: No, I'd call those "weekenders"
So of course I took one. And thus began the downward spiral of my Friday. Some "talking points", if I may:
- The software program I use to do the bulk of my work died and I have yet to recover it. This is part of my whole instant karma phenomenon. It ran fine for two and a half years but now it doesn't work at all and I was on a hard deadline. Oh well, looks like we'll be spending some money but until then my pending projects are dead in the water.
- A female friend of mine (yes, my instant karma affects those around me as well) calls to let me know (and thank God she felt the need to contact me) she's had some female problems and she has bled all over herself, soiling her clothing and generally freaking her out (and making me hungry).
- Governor Purdue decides to ask for the closing of public schools in the state of Georgia for Monday and Tuesday in the hopes that Georgians will save fuel and therefore ease the demand for gas in the wake (heh) of Hurricane Rita. The University system decides to stay open so I have to work on Monday and Tuesday. Apparently now my instant karma extends to the 34 member-institutions of the University System of Georgia.
- When I got home I ate a sensible dinner of a foot long Subway sandwich which may be the second tastiest thing I've ever had in my mouth. And then I got the shakes for an hour while I got progressively sleepier. I turned to the ballgame and curled up on the couch in the fetal position.
- My wife went to her Mother's house for the weekend. No, I didn't piss her off. Okay, I probably did but that's not why she went. She called me three times from the road, including one when she got to her destination. Of course, this morning she had to tell me that because I only remember the first of the three calls.
- I normally have strange and vivid dreams, but these were just unexplainable. In one of the dreams I have sex with the following, in order:
o A nine-year old female Klingon (apparently they're legal after six weeks of age
o A monkey with a giant clown head
o A 1967 Mustang
o Secretariat
o A cousin who died five years ago
o A watermelon
o A Mr. Coffee
o Stinkbot
o The next-door neighbors mailbox (that naughty minx)
o A blanket that I had spent an hour folding with a friend in a dream from the night before
When I got up this morning there were still lights on in the house, all of the ceiling fans were still on "high," two of the TVs were on, I still had chewing gum in my mouth from 7pm the previous evening (which would explain the taste of dead lemmings), and all of my cats were running away from me, no matter where I walked in the house. The cats were also out of food, and I had fed them the previous day when I got home from work. I took a poop this morning and I swear there was pine straw in it.
The story doesn't end there. No, that'd be too easy. The weirdness continued this morning since the effects of the OxyContin (when combined with an anti-depressant, a pill for high blood pressure [for migraine headache prevention] and my cholesterol medication) still hadn't quite worn off. The morning adventure:
- I'm in the shower and I hear a strange noise, like the fan in the bathroom trying to jump out of the ceiling or something. I turn off the water and my burglar alarm is going off. Then the phone rings. I jump out of the shower, all wet, naked and disoriented and answer the phone. I know its ADT on the line but I can't even hear them for the alarm and the TV so I ask them to hold on and proceed to run to the alarm panel to turn the monster off. When I disable it I find out that the alarm was set off in the master bedroom. Frostin' cats. Nothing is out of place but I know they've done something because they set off the glass break alarm. When I get back to the phone the person from ADT has hung up. I figure they saw that I reset the alarm. So I jump back in the shower to dry off and the damn phone rings again. I know it's them. I also know I have to answer it because if I don't they'll send out the police and I DO NOT need that Shakespeare in my house at that point. I answer the phone, give them my information, finish up with them, and tell the operator I'm naked and I have to go. She wasn't impressed and I wasn't surprised. I jump back in the shower one more time and finish drying off and I dry my hair with the towel, just like always. I put the hair gel in my hair, work it into shape and apply the hairspray. Then I put on my glasses. There's something weird in my hair and I couldn't see it before because I'm blind without my glasses. Its stringy looking, like hair, but clearly not mine. It was two big, thick strings of cat hair. Probably when I was running through the house the hair gathered on my wet feet (the folks at Hoover will be hearing from my legal peeps), then transferred to my towel and then to my hair.
I gotta tell ya, OxyContin has beaten me. It chewed me up and spit me out. It hate-Frosted me in the butt and didn't even give me the courtesy of a reach around. I'm returning the unused portion to the original owner Monday morning. Either that or I'm selling it to the gangstas in Bankey's neighborhood. I do know one thing for sure, though: After everything that happened yesterday and this morning, I'm never taking another one of these demon pain pills from hell Well, not after the one I took about an hour ago. I'm not nuts, you know.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
82 votes
4.7
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018  53
10/15/2005 12:20 AM
You say that like its a bad thing. Oh yeah, and I totally didn't give the bottle back.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/15/2005 12:21 AM
Totally??
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Leppy 12,056 12
10/15/2005 12:24 AM
wherat in Ga do you work? I'm at Tech.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/15/2005 12:26 AM
West Georgia. Now I must kill you.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Captain Dan, Morgenmuffel 44,452 11
10/15/2005 04:09 AM
I like this article because it re-confirms every stereotype I have about Fratberry:
- He has enough cats to merit an Egyptian burial
- Bankey and Frat's wife are suspiciously never mentioned in the same scene together
- And frankly, he's just not quite as good as Captain Dan in fantasy sports (I'm assuming Chi Chi edited this paragraph out, because it makes no sense in context)
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Roofie Horror Picture Show 56,688 10
10/15/2005 08:56 AM
I'm stuck wondering why your cats are fleeing from you. What did you do to them? Like watching a trainwreck, my mind keeps coming up with things you may have done then I shun the thoughts in horror only to return to them time and time again.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Gutted Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
10/15/2005 09:26 AM
all of the ceiling fans were still on "high"
I think You, sir, are on "high."
And "funny."
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Balfazz 518 9
10/15/2005 09:42 AM
I love you man
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Jep - premature articulator 58,758 13
10/15/2005 10:10 AM
Awesome Frat! Just awesome! Now, would you mind not bogarting the Oxy and spreading the joy among some of your internet friends?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Zolton, Third Cousin Twice Removed of Chucky 88,200 34
10/15/2005 10:11 AM
...a foot long Subway sandwich which may be the second tastiest thing I've ever had in my mouth.
Not gonna ask... not gonna think about it... gonna back sloooowly out of the article now...
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/15/2005 02:38 PM
I swear to God there was a thread here a minute ago about Google or something. Since I can't find it, I'll just bump my article. Meh.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Dismembered Ditdah 123,110 14
10/15/2005 03:15 PM
As a pharmacy professional, being trained and instructed in drug diversion prevention on an almost daily basis, I must inform you that I am legally obligated to report any instances of presciption narcotic mis-use to the State Board of Pharmacy within 24 hours of my first knowledge.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Dismembered Ditdah 123,110 14
10/15/2005 03:17 PM
(Okay, that bullShakespeare above is actually true. But if any of you believe that I'm gonna do that, I have a favor to ask. See, I have this Uncle in Nigeria...)
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/15/2005 03:48 PM
Holy Jebus, its not like I'm downloading music or something.*
*i am so downloading a ton of music right now
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Bankey 70,843 10
10/17/2005 09:48 AM
It turned out that it wasn't OxyContin, it was this.
>*<
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/17/2005 11:17 AM
Lucky for me the cats like sand.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Pubah 56,805 18
10/17/2005 12:05 PM
sand in your cooter
Can't feel too good on the sausage neither
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/20/2005 12:11 AM
I'd like to take this opportunity to mention that Bob Johnson hasn't written an article in some time and that needs to change.
DemoMonkey too.
DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU GET SNOWED IN!!
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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ringworm 68,315 13
11/21/2005 03:43 AM
if those four little pills return w/ the heinekens, don't mix them w/ the oc. it's a recipe for vomit, and i speak from experience.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Jaggy, rusty DAGGAH OF DEATH 11,895 13
11/21/2005 05:04 AM
Note to self: Codral and Prozac combined means one tripped out biology exam.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
11/23/2005 01:05 AM
My thread managed to contract ringworm. Now I'm going to have to quarantine it and bathe it in barbasol for three weeks.
YAY!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
02/09/2012 05:01 PM
Something reminded me of this article so I'm bumping it. It can't be any worse than the other Shakespeare flooding the board. Well, I guess it coul... wait, no.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Thud 68,497 19
02/09/2012 06:57 PM
A heartwarming story. Are they still considering making it into a Lifetime movie?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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KChiki - Techno Geek Nerd Princess 128,316 98
02/09/2012 07:19 PM
This is one of the funniest things I've read in ages. Holy craps.
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0 votes
0.0
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The High Priestess 58,948 29
02/09/2012 07:46 PM
Nov 2005? Yea, Demo and I were breaking up then. Your request for more articles will never be fufulled. Like your request for a migrane free life.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 283,018 53
02/09/2012 07:48 PM
Clearly I'd rather have the migraine than another article from Demo. Yer welcome.
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