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You know me. You don't realize you know me, but you do. I'm the guy in the restaurant spilling his soup and Pepsi on the marginally attractive female unlucky enough to be on a date with me.
When it comes to dating, I'm as capable as a quadriplegic at a polish dance festival. Gosh. That simile was hard to swallow and trust me; I know a thing or two about swallowing. But I digress...
Over the years, I've come up with certain rules that will help you end the night without tears and/or restraining orders and/or the waitress giving you a black eye because you pinched her ass. Some of you may know some or all of the rules. You're not the ones I'm addressing. I'm addressing those who cried themselves to sleep last night because it's been 5 weeks and she still hasn't called me back...
Rules
Pre-date
Take a nap. Nearing the end of the date, you've hopefully steered the conversation in a direction that will allow her to talk about precious childhood memories but, if you're yawning through it all, she's going to think you're bored. Of course you are, but there's no need to let her know.
Eat something beforehand that doesn't have a strong odor. This is for the dinner date and it's very important for several reasons. There are a lot of guys who go on a dinner date starving. They pick up the menu, see steak-baked patato-ceasar salad-cheese sticks and their brains just go Gotta have it Gotta have it Gotta have it. Then they spend the next hour and a half wolfing down the food and when it's all "gone" (it's not really gone, it's just "transformed"), they spend the rest of the evening wishing they could unbelt the belt and unzip the zip. So eat something beforehand and stick to the chicken breast. Who knows, it may be the only breast you get that night. In addition, don't eat anything with a strong odor. You don't want her to smell your garlic breath or taste your nacho tongue, if you manage to get that close.
Cut your toenails. This one should be obvious, but it's not. At least, for me it wasn't. A trip to the emergency room for stitches tends to but a damper on the mood.
Date-date
Shut up. No matter what you may have been led to believe, a date is not meant to be an exchange of anything. A date is the female evaluating the male to determine whether or not he's a suitable mate but she doesn't need to hear a word from you to do that! In fact, what she really wants is to see how well you can shut up. So just shut up. It's not like you talking is going to sweeten the deal. Guys are full of bullShakespeare. Don't open your mouth so she can smell it.
Stay sober. Don't order alcohol. What are you, stupid? You think you can keep your eyes above sea level with Jack screaming at you to Frost her now, you Poe. What are you waiting for? Well, you're not. Not nearly. Stay sober.
Plan a fake phone call. This is a tide turner. While she's talking about her family, kindly interrupt her. This is the only time you should interrupt her. Apologize and let her know you have to make a very important phone call. Make the call on your cell phone; she has to hear you speak. This is the script you say:
"Hi mom, I'm sorry I can't talk long but is [younger sister's name] in bed yet? [...]Good. May I speak to her? [...] Thanks. Hi [younger sister's name]! Happy birthday! [...] Oh, I know your birthday isn't until tomorrow, but that's only a few hours from now and I wanted to make sure I was the first. [...] You're welcome, sweetie. I'll be over tomorrow to bring you your gift. [...] Of course I got you a gift! No no no, I'm not telling you what it is. [...] Because those are the rules. [Laugh] I'd give you a clue honey, but I'm on a date right now with someone. [...] Yes, very pretty. [Laugh] Very, very pretty. [...] I hope so. [...] Well, I dunno, if I don't mess it up, maybe you'll meet her. [Laugh] Ok honey. Time for bed now. [...] Hugs and kisses to you too. [...] Good night."
Apologize again for making the call and you're done! Your date won't mind you making that call but be sure you're calling a little sister or niece. If you made the call while she was reminiscing about her family, she'll associate you with the men in her life that made her feel special. And yes, she will be moist...as in teary eyed.
Post-date
Display the gift. Now, because of the fake phone call to the younger sister, she's at your house. Since the phone call, however, you've messed things up a bit. You don't know how you messed things up, but trust me, you did. So, you've got to subtly remind her that you're not some schmuck who wants to plow her sideways - even though you are - she has to think you're a decent, family orient gentleman - even though you're not. Leave a large gift basket stuffed with goodies like Hello Kitty Frost Me Skirts and Care Bear Condoms (Kids nowadays...)
Leave a dead puppy on the couch. Fresh! The puppy has to be freshly dead! Kill it yourself, if you have to. Not many women will have sex with you if there's a rotting puppy around and those that will; I guarantee you don't want to meet. Ok, so why the dead dog? Well, a dead dog looks like a sleeping dog. Place it on the couch before going out and on the return you can whisper "Oh...he's finally sleeping. He's been having trouble. You mind if we go in here [point towards the bedroom]? I'd hate to wake him." Works every time.
Don't initiate sex. If you're lucky, you'll be making out soon enough. Do not initiate sex. Make her believe you're fully satisfied with just her lips. This is important: Kissing doesn't mean sex is imminent. She's still testing you, don't you forget that. She needs to see if this is the highlight of the night for you. This is when you're at your weakest. This is when your mind wanders to sexual images so vivid, you feel tempted to use your credit card to unhook her bra. This rule is very hard to follow because once the blood rushes from above to below, the percentage of time spent on thinking about sex goes from 98% to 99% and in some cases, 113.65%. I know, I know. You think that's impossible. It's not.
So there they are. There are more rules for the morning after, if you want to be able to drill her again but with rules like these, there's no need to keep up the gentleman act. You can just go out and find yourself some other bitch to penetrate.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
34 votes
4.2
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16 Comments on "Dating : Unleashed"
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0 votes
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Manbride of Kimmy Gibbler 161,353  14
10/15/2005 12:16 AM
Where were you when I was dating? Thanks for nothing, jerk.
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0 votes
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Millie has fun-size snickers 116,988 28
10/15/2005 12:25 AM
I agree with the keeping mouth shut part. I find a lot of men want to brag about themselves too much.
But I don't agree with the phone call part. I don't care about the guy's younger sister--I would be pissed if he interrupted out dinner to call his little sister. He should have remembered before the date.
The dead puppy is an interesting idea. But you shouldn't kill him. Just give him a strong sedative. Then you can use him again for your next date.
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Leppy 12,056 12
10/15/2005 12:34 AM
nah the pounds are full of dogs to use. Help them and help yourself at the same time.
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Nachos 57,521 23
10/15/2005 09:40 AM
You don't want her to smell your garlic breath or taste your nacho tongue.
blah blah, joke involving the word nacho, blah blah.
Just insert whatever you think's funniest, it's not like I can get orbed for it anyway.
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0 votes
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Jep - premature articulator 58,758 13
10/15/2005 10:20 AM
I strongly disagree about the drinking part. Having your date nurse you while you're bent over the curb projectile vomiting Filet au Gargonzola and stale beer nuts into the street brings out the Nightengale instincts in a woman and she'll be dropping eggs before you can drop a hint.
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Millie has fun-size snickers 116,988 28
10/15/2005 09:02 PM
I did read it--I don't care if it's the night before the kid's birthday or what. My point is that I would think, "Why is this rude Emerson interrupting our date to call his younger sister? He could have done it earlier in the day."
It doesn't matter what the phone call is about, it irritates me when people divert their attention from me, especially on a first date. I mean, if he's trying to get laid, he at least has to pretend he is totally into me.
Selfish? Self-centered? Yes. But it's a first date.
Also, it could just be because I'm from a pre-cell-phone generation, and I think it's rude to talk on the phone while you are sitting there with someone else, unles it's an emergency.
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0 votes
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daisypie 49,378 9
10/15/2005 09:37 PM
So, a guy who is "as capable as a quadriplegic at a polish dance festival"
is writing rules on dating?
I guess what they say about black men & penis size is true!
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/15/2005 09:49 PM
I'm sorry, Millie, were you saying something?
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Fratberry 283,018 53
10/15/2005 09:50 PM
Shhh, hang on, phone call.
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HartmanTwins 10,131 10
10/18/2005 08:56 AM
You should be asking who am I doin'?
Answer: You.
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0 votes
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/live?func=new_user&msgid=1312737
HartmanTwins 10,131 10
10/18/2005 08:59 AM
As far as the interruption goes, I can see your point, Millie. Don't forget, however, that even in a phone call to a sister about her birthday, it still ends talking about you.
Now, instead of having just me interested in you, the sister's interested to. And really, who talks to there younger sister about a girl they just want to Frost?
Answer: [insert every male gabbers name and a confused Trixxie]
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Jilly 24,693 8
10/18/2005 08:59 AM
HT - Did you ever know that you're my hero?
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/live?func=new_user&msgid=1312838
HartmanTwins 10,131 10
10/18/2005 10:55 AM
<action>blushes.</action>
Awww, shucks...
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