Piquantrax - Blue Barracudas' Right Hand Man 8,691 9
10/11/2005 09:50 AM

No, I'm pissed you started this thread

Sharribarri Boo! The Ghost of Sharri Past 14,124 11
10/11/2005 09:51 AM

Q:What do you call an irish boomerang?

A:Rick O'Shea.



You did say bad jokes, I believe this qualifies.

Daggy, GABbing since 2006! 86,705 14
10/11/2005 09:59 AM

Knock knock



who's there?





The interrupting sheep.



The interrupting sheep who?





Baa!





I might have done this wrong due to the fact that I am aspleep.

KelC- all dressed up with nowhere to go 1,019 7
10/11/2005 10:23 AM

This thread.

Armored - White Introspective Emo Ranger 3,923 8
10/11/2005 10:41 AM

Psst... Piquantrax...



Hat disbanded our gang like 10 days ago.

Chris Garrett, Naked 86,932 12
10/11/2005 10:55 AM

What do you call Gumby after he runs a marathon?





Clay Aiken!

Duhnny Darko 24,152 8
10/11/2005 10:58 AM

What do you call a woman the day after you have sex with her?







No man calls a woman the day after sex.

gorctard 41,132 13
10/11/2005 11:03 AM

Knock knock!

Who's there?

The funniest guy on GAB!

The funniest guy on GAB who?

jk2k!

Smulzie 980 9
10/11/2005 02:12 PM

My friend tells this joke all the time. And each time enrages me with the urge to kill.



A guy busts into a psychologist's office and starts shouting, "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam." The psychologist tells him, "Calm down, you're two tents."

Sharribarri Boo! The Ghost of Sharri Past 14,124 11
10/11/2005 02:52 PM

Are you kidding? I love that joke.

Smulzie 980 9
10/11/2005 02:53 PM

Don't give me orbs! It will only encourage him!

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
10/11/2005 02:55 PM

I owe GORTCAT 27 socks full of 1950 candy

dropkick brody and her Army of Flaming Leprechauns 43,090 12
10/11/2005 03:00 PM

Why did the skeleton not go to the party?



He had nobody to go witKILL ME NOW.

Armored - White Introspective Emo Ranger 3,923 8
10/11/2005 03:03 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?



To get to the othBLAM!

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
10/11/2005 03:06 PM

K-nock, K-nock

Miracles Myers - ch, ch, ch, ha, ha, ha 22,430 0
10/11/2005 03:08 PM

How do you know it's time to go to the dentist?



It's tooth-thirty.



or...



Because your teeth look like banana chicklets and that is sick.

Oliver Rotting Corpse 203,475 12
10/11/2005 03:09 PM

...that's an iteresting act, what do you call it?



The Aristocrats!

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
10/11/2005 03:10 PM

I wanna GUM a miracle..............



yet people in ZUG do too

Yorkie Thompson: Robot Made of Boxes. 60,724 12
10/11/2005 03:12 PM

How many times has a thread like this been started?



Never.





(It's funny cause I hate you.)

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
10/11/2005 03:14 PM

string, thread, rope, wire, cable, toilet paper.............. does anyone really care. ?

SweetWitches 3,351 8
10/11/2005 05:47 PM

You know what a ceiling fan sounds like?





























"Go, Ceiling! You're number one!"

Larxene 18 7
10/11/2005 06:13 PM

Little lazy Laura girl,

Left her house in quite a whirl.

Leaving many chores to do,

Her hours outside -they wil be few.



I wrote that in 5th grade. I just found it in my old stuff. I think that should count, considering it's a little funny that such a horrible thing could be written. If you have my 5th grade sense of humor, of course.

Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
10/11/2005 09:13 PM

Part 1:



A man is in the hostpital, and his wife just gave birth to their child. The doctor walks in and says "congratulations, sir, its a boy. But he was born with the ability to fly! Watch!" and the doctor drops the baby. He falls *Thud*. The father gets a little angry. The doctor picks the baby back up. "Oh, I know what I did wrong." The doctor throws the baby against the wall. *thud*.

Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
10/11/2005 09:14 PM

Part 2:



The father is now ready to killt he doctor. The doctor says once more. "I know what I did wrong!" He picks up the baby, and drops him out the window. It plummets 5 stories, and then hits the ground. *smear*. The father by now has his hands wrapped around the doctor's neck, choking him. The doctor says "Relax, its okay, he was born dead!"

Jasco - Fine Thanks 1,370 9
10/11/2005 10:37 PM

Ooohh, that's going in my repetoire.

Jilly-Needs To Be Adopted 24,693 8
10/11/2005 10:40 PM

I've told this one before. Sue me.



Q: what do you call a black man who flies a plane?





A: a PILOT, you racist!

Armored - White Introspective Emo Ranger 3,923 8
10/11/2005 10:42 PM

What's the worst thing about 5 black people/jews/nazis/babies/whatever going over a hill in a Cadillac?





A Cadillac seats 6.

Jilly-Needs To Be Adopted 24,693 8
10/11/2005 10:44 PM

Waht do you call a black man on a bike?



thief.











ouch.my conscience hurts.

Johnny Shiznat 28 7
10/11/2005 10:55 PM

How do you stop a charging elephant?

Take away his credit card!

Fartpuppy is not worthwhile 5,142 13
10/11/2005 10:57 PM

I'm just going to use this thread to inform you all that I just blew snot all over a truck driver.



That is all.

Armored - White Introspective Emo Ranger 3,923 8
10/11/2005 10:57 PM

What's red and silver and runs into walls?





A baby with forks stuck in its eyes.



Bah-Zing!

KelC- all dressed up with nowhere to go 1,019 7
10/11/2005 10:58 PM

Why was the lion angry while playing poker?



Because he was playing with a cheetah.

Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
10/11/2005 11:24 PM

Why are all the black people fast?



All the slow ones are in jail.

Fishlegs came out west to find the sun 1,612 9
10/12/2005 12:03 AM

Why did the boy fall off his bike?



He didn't have any arms.

Fishlegs came out west to find the sun 1,612 9
10/12/2005 12:03 AM

There's lots more where that came from.

Gutted Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
10/12/2005 12:04 AM

Arms?

Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
10/12/2005 06:52 AM

What do you do if its the middle of the night, and your TV starts floating away?



Shoot the black guy.

Max Planck 18,881 12
10/12/2005 07:25 AM

Notice that this thread is called Bad Jokes, not Racist Jokes. Are you all trying to imply that racist jokes are bad?



I'm truly offended.

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
10/12/2005 08:51 AM

Q: What's the best wedding gift for a Mexican ?





A: Shoes for a two year old.

The Nightmare Before Supergrover 4,517 9
10/12/2005 08:57 AM

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?



Anyone can roast beef!

Piquantrax - Cereal Killer 8,691 9
10/12/2005 09:31 AM

Where are the dead baby jokes?



OLLIE WHERE ARE YOU??

Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
10/12/2005 12:36 PM

whats worse than a pile of dead babies?



one in the middle gnawing his way out.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
10/12/2005 12:39 PM

jk2k







WORST. JOKE. EVER.

Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
10/12/2005 12:45 PM

whats worse than 5 dead babies in a barrel?



1 dead baby in 5 barrels.

gwallaia 3,510 12
10/12/2005 04:30 PM

Did you hear the joke about the two gay Irishmen?



Gerald Fittzpatrick and Patrick Fittzgerald.

johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
10/12/2005 04:32 PM

"JK2K is 2K FUNNY"

Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
10/12/2005 06:08 PM

Rape isn't a laughing matter....







Unless you're raping a clown.

WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
10/12/2005 06:18 PM

A piece of string walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, give me a beer"



The bartender says, "Get the hell outta here we don't serve your kind."



The string leaves and meets a friend upon the road. He says to his buddy, " Hey listen, tie me in a bow."



The friend looks at him quizzically but does as he is asked.



"Now quick, quick," says the string, "pull the ends of my head apart"



The friend is totally perplexed but again does as asked.



The string thanks his friend heartily and heads back to the bar.



Once inside he says to the bartender, "Hey, barkeep get me a beer."



The bartender is furious and questions, "Aren't you the same string I just threw out of here?"



And the string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

KelC- all dressed up with nowhere to go 1,019 7
10/12/2005 06:20 PM

Isn't this thread dead yet?





RACIST JOKE! -sorry...



How do asian parents chose names for their children?



They drop forks into a sink: Ching Chang Chong...



I feel dirty.

OneEyedTrouserTrout 6,046 8
10/12/2005 06:42 PM

Q. Why don't blacks marry Mexicans?



A. They are afraid their kids will grow up to lazy to steal



Nope. Not going to do it. Been enough racist jokes already

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
03/11/2007 01:06 AM

<action>steals a joke</action>
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the Russians were bombing his house! Don't you have any sympathy for a poor chicken who has just lost his home to an air-raid?! You insensitive pricks! Think of the chickens!

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
03/11/2007 01:07 AM

Oh, I see. . . no orbs for that, eh? You don't like the political humour, eh? No sympathy for the chickens, eh? I understand. . . you're content to while away your time by spending your last remaining Confederate dollars on Confederate flags, while ignoring the world around you, you dumb hicks. Screw you, GAB.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
03/11/2007 01:07 AM

Er, sorry. "Chechen."

anhishere 11,158 14
03/11/2007 01:29 AM

Why were Helen Keller's hands purple?



She heard it through the grape vine!

Chit 178,781 15
03/11/2007 03:02 AM

So I told my girlfriend that I was going to Frost her between the tits.

She asked me, "How the hell are you going to make that feel good for me ?"

I replied, "Just before I shoot my load, I'll stop punching you in the face."

--Doug Stanhope

FM 5-19 Chapter 6 3,163 6
03/11/2007 03:15 AM

A Jew and his Czech friend goto the zoo. when they get there, the jew is like "WE HAVE TO GO SEE THE LIONS FIRST, WE HAVE TO GO SEE THE LIONS!"
The Czech agrees and they goto see the lions.
While looking at them, the Czech falls over the railing and into the lion pit and gets eaten. The jew goes running, screaming "ZOOKEEPER ZOOKEEPER, ONE OF THE LIONS ATE MY CZECH FRIENDS!"
They rush to the lion pit and see blood everywhere, its so bad you can't really tell which lion ate the guy. The zookeeper asks the jew which lion ate his friend.
"The one with the big mane, the male lion ate my czeck friend!"
The zookeeper asks "You're sure? We have to kill the lion and cut it open, you're sure he's in the male?"
"Yes, I'm 100% sure, my czech friend is in the male!"
The zookeepers go into the lion pit, shoot the male lion and get it out of the pit, when they cut it open, they can't find the peices of the czeck.

Understand the moral of the story?















You can never trust a Jew when he says the czech (check) is in the male (mail).

That's What She Said 27,416 24
03/11/2007 03:34 AM

3 Pirates are watching a movie... what's it rated?


RRRRRRRRRR

That's What She Said 27,416 24
03/11/2007 03:35 AM

A blueberry muffin and a corn muffin are sitting in an oven.

The blueberry muffin turns to the corn muffin and says, "It's getting kind of hot in here.."

The corn muffin screams, "AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!1!!11"

ObeseExplosive 3,430 7
03/11/2007 03:36 AM

A pirate walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, Pirate! Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?"

The pirate answers, "Aargh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/11/2007 03:39 AM

Boudreaux knocks on Tibodeaux's door.

Boudreaux: Hey Tibodeaux. I got some good news and some bad news.

Thibodeaux: What's the bad news?

Boudreaux: The bad news is we found your wife floating in the bayou this morning,.....she's dead.

Thibodeauz: Oh My God! What could the good news possibly be?

Boudreaux: The good news is she had a dozen blue crabs on her, so we're gonna run her again tonight!

That's What She Said 27,416 24
03/11/2007 03:43 AM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. "We've never swept together!"

Chit 178,781 15
03/11/2007 03:46 AM

What did the doe say when she came out of the woods ?

Boy, I'll never do that again for two bucks.

That's What She Said 27,416 24
03/11/2007 03:53 AM

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

anhishere 11,158 14
03/11/2007 04:00 AM

A horse trots into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

shadesofgrey 5,445 7
03/11/2007 07:55 AM

I get it! Refridgerator!

redplanet 545 6
03/11/2007 08:52 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs...

in a pile of leaves? Russell. 6 months later? Pete

in a lake? Bob

in a ditch? Phil

outside the door? Matt

on the wall? Art. his arms and legs? Pieces of Art. no tongue? Tasteless Art

in your mailbox? Bill

left out in the sun? Wilt

covered with cement? Rock

in your hot tub? Stu

on your BBQ grill? Frank

waterskiing? Skip

on hot asphalt? Flip

holding up your car? Jack

in your spice rack? Herb and Basil

knocking down buildings? Rex

covered with oil? Derek

stuck in a wall? Brad

on a poker table? Chip

throwing up? Chuck

trampled by basketball players? Jim.

sitting on a hill? Cliff

two guys holding up cloth? Curt 'n' Rod

thrown against the wall? Mark

in a bottle? Pop

on a stage? Mike

on a railroad track? Spike

out of the wind? Lee

on an antenna? Guy

in a stream? Eddy

But wait, there's more. What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg? Eileen. An Asian woman with one arm and one leg? Irene.

ObeseExplosive 3,430 7
03/12/2007 01:09 AM

The Arizona Cardnials

Jeprechaun 58,758 13
03/12/2007 02:03 AM

Piss off. They beat the Frost-ing Detroit Lions.

ObeseExplosive 3,430 7
03/12/2007 02:25 AM

Yeah but everybody beats the lions.

Happy Sack of BC Bud 13,792 15
03/12/2007 03:46 AM

<action>sighs and drags out only bad joke I know.... again....</action>

Why do you wrap your hamster in duct tape?




So it doesn't explode when you Frost it.

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/12/2007 04:36 AM

Bill: Hey, check it out I just joined the Prostitute Club!

Bob: The what?

Bill: The Prostitute Club! It has a membership card and everything!

Bob: Let me see that card. You damn fool, this isn't the Prostitute Club, it's the Parachute Club.

Bill: Damn! And I paid for a hundred jumps!

Napkin 30,762 12
03/12/2007 05:23 AM

What do termites eat for breakfeast?

















OAKMEAL!

Napkin 30,762 12
03/12/2007 05:24 AM

GET IT? BECAUSE ITS LIKE OATMEAL BUT ITS WITH OAK BEAUSE THATS A TREE AND TREES ARE MADE OF WOOD AND TERMITES EAT WOOD!!!! OLOLOLOL111!11!!1.

redplanet 545 6
03/12/2007 07:21 AM

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two...but how the hell did they get in there?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

redplanet 545 6
03/12/2007 07:23 AM

...and the all-time classic (I can't believe you guys haven't told it yet):

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Anybody but Phla 131,068 34
03/12/2007 07:44 AM

ZUG, that's Z-U-G dot com, the world's most recycled website.

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/12/2007 09:41 AM

Did you hear about the constipated mathmetician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/12/2007 09:42 AM

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?

He's all right now.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/12/2007 04:50 PM

<action> Tries to think up an Anna Nichole joke but realizes he's not funny. </action>








"Anna Nicole Smith"


BWWAHAHAHAHA

Pumpkin Noggin-Looking for Erin to go Braless 56,642 8
03/12/2007 04:56 PM

How many budhist does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, change comes from within.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/12/2007 05:01 PM

How does a Teamster begin a bedtime story?

Once upon a time and a half....

Dave has embraced Dionysus as his personal savior 52,827 16
03/12/2007 05:03 PM

Did you know that 65% of Chinese men over 60 have cataracts?

The other 35% drive rincolns.

Dave has embraced Dionysus as his personal savior 52,827 16
03/12/2007 05:04 PM

Have you ever smelled moth balls?


How do you get their legs apart?

Pumpkin Noggin-Looking for Erin to go Braless 56,642 8
03/12/2007 05:07 PM

What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo and an Elephant?

Big holes all over Australia.

Pumpkin Noggin-Looking for Erin to go Braless 56,642 8
03/12/2007 05:08 PM

What is red and white and blue all over?

42








What? You don't GET much worse than that joke.

Shemullet 1,801 7
03/12/2007 05:14 PM

How many kids with a.d.d. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




Wanna go ride bikes?

Pumpkin Noggin-Looking for Erin to go Braless 56,642 8
03/12/2007 05:16 PM

Why do a lot of Polish names end in Ski?


Because they can't spell toboggan

Shemullet 1,801 7
03/12/2007 05:17 PM

Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/12/2007 05:36 PM

A door to door salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. A five year old little boy answers. He has a porno mag in one hand, and an open bottle of whiskey in the other. Hanging from his mouth is a lit cigarette. The salesman asks,"Is your mommy or daddy home?". The little takes a drag from the cigarette, and a shot from the bottle and replies, "What the Frost do you think?"

GAchick 312 6
03/12/2007 05:36 PM

What do you call a dog with no legs?


Doesn't matter - he isn't coming to you anyway.

GAchick 312 6
03/12/2007 05:37 PM

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swim team?


Anyone who can swim is already here.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/12/2007 05:39 PM

Three tampons are walking down the street: a Mini, a Regular, and a Super.

What do they say to you when you walk by?

Nothing, they're all stuck up bitches.

Pumpkin Noggin-Looking for Erin to go Braless 56,642 8
03/12/2007 05:40 PM

What do you call a guy with no legs?

Neil

Guy with no arms or legs hung on a wall?

Art

Same guy in the river?
Bob

Same guy on the floor?

Matt

A girl with one leg?

Eileen

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/12/2007 05:41 PM

Crackalacka, I've always wanted to set my six year old on the Mormons with liquor and a cigarette. My wife insists they'll call child protection. I insist that child protection will think it's as funny as I do.

GAchick 312 6
03/12/2007 05:44 PM

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

Night crawler

anhishere 11,158 14
03/12/2007 06:03 PM

Guy who repeats jokes?

Pumpkin

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/12/2007 06:14 PM

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door


Two men contracted to paint a small community church. Being very frugal (cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter each time it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/12/2007 06:17 PM

A skunk walks into a courtroom. The judge pounds his gavel. "Odor in the court"

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/12/2007 06:22 PM

Superman uncovers a devious plot by a super-villain. He needs help from the Justice league to put a stop to it. First, he flies to Batman.

Batman: "Sorry, I can't help. The Batmobile lost a wheel."

Next he tries Aqua man, but he's not help either. After flying around and receiving no help, he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude by the pool. Faster than a speeding bullet, he flies down and Frosts her hard before going to save the day.

Wonder Woman: "Did you feel that?"

The Invisible Man: "No, but my ass sure hurts!"

Pumpkin Noggin-Looking for Erin to go Braless 56,642 8
03/12/2007 06:23 PM

Guy who repeats jokes?

Pumpkin

Like I'm gonna read this whole thread to find a bad joke?

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/12/2007 06:23 PM

What's as sharp as a vampire's fang?


His other fang.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/12/2007 06:25 PM

One time I tripped as I was going up the escalator. I fell for like, three hours.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/12/2007 06:31 PM

Why don't the lions in the circus eat the clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/12/2007 06:33 PM

Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

Marjod 1,942 9
03/12/2007 06:36 PM

Why do husbands usually die before their wives do?

Because they want to.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/12/2007 06:40 PM

How many Gabbers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but he needs clickies after he does it in order to validate his fellings of self-worth.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/12/2007 06:40 PM

Oh, and the Super Bowl prank.

Shell Belle (aka CrazyFemale, CrazyBroad) 77,143 25
03/12/2007 06:43 PM

Why can't ghosts have babies?



-because they have hallow weenies...

Sharri 14,124 11
03/12/2007 06:44 PM

Q: What do you call an Irishman who hangs out on your pack porch?

A: Patty O'Furniture

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/12/2007 06:45 PM

Why can't Wizards have babies?

Because they have crystal balls.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/12/2007 06:45 PM

Two lawyers are leaving a restaurant when a robber walks up with a gun and demands all their money. The first lawyer hands $100 to the second lawyer and says, "Here, take this quick!"
The second lawyer takes the money and says, "What's that for?"
The first lawyer says, "That was the $100 I borrowed from you last week."

Rene of the Dead 1,810 11
03/12/2007 07:04 PM

Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat possum?

A. Two. One to eat and one to watch for cars!

A redneck walks into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks at the side of his Styrofoam cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, "I won! I won! I won a motor home!" A waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible! The biggest prize given away was a mini-van!" The redneck replies, "No, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the redneck says, "No, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!" The redneck hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "Win A Bagel!"

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/12/2007 07:25 PM

Boudreaux is out on the golf course having the round of his life when his cell phone rings.

"Boudreux, this is the hospital. Your wife has been in a car accident. She's in serious condition, we're about to take her into surgery. You need to get down here as fast as you can." explains the doctor.

Boudreaux thinks for a minute.

"Damn! I'm 2 under par through 10 holes; I'm having the round of my life. There's nothing I'll be able to do at the hospital but wait. I'll just finish my round and then head to the hospital."

He turns off his cell phone and finishes his round carding a personal best of 4 under 68.

He arrives at the hospital and is greeted by the furios doctor.

"Where the hell have you been!? We kpet trying to get a hold of you!"

"I was out on the golf course. I was having the round ..."

"Golf Course! Your wife was in a serious car accident and you stayed out on the golf course?!"

"But Doc, I was having an incredible round!"

"Listen Boudreaux, your wife has been paralized from the neck down. She cannot do anything for herself; for the rest of her life you will have to feed her, wipe her ass, bathe her, everything. And the worst part is your insurance will not cover any of it. You'll never play golf again!"

Boudreaux collapses on the floor and covers his face with hands moaning.

"Ehhh, I'm only kidding. She died about an hour ago. What'd you shoot?"

A kinder, gentler Dave 52,827 16
03/12/2007 07:40 PM

President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

redplanet 545 6
03/12/2007 11:25 PM

So this guy is working at a marine museum, and his boss comes running up to him, looking very worried.

"We've got big trouble," she says. "The dolphins in the dolphin tank are acting very amorous today... they're doing all sorts of things to each other. The problem is that there's a bus load of second-graders coming in half an hour! We can't have them seeing the dolphins acting like they're in a porno flick. And the only thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins is the meat of baby seagull."

"So here's what I want you to do. Take this bag, run down to the seashore, fill it full of baby seagulls, and hurry on back. But wait! Before you go, you should know that a lion escaped from the zoo this morning, and although they said it was heavily sedated, still... be careful. Now get going!"

The guy runs down to the seashore, fills the bag up with baby seagull and decide to take a shortcut back through the woods. He rounds a bend and there, right in front of him, stretched across the path, is a lion. The guy is terrified; it's too late to turn back... but the lion does seem pretty placid. So, gathering up all of his courage, he steps across the lion.

Nothing happens. So they guy continues running along the path, when all of a sudden a cop steps out of the woods, grabs him by the arm, and says, "You're under arrest."

The guy can't believe it. He says, "What's the charge?"

The cop says...




"Transporting young gulls across the sedated lion for immoral porpoises."

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
03/12/2007 11:45 PM

2 Goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"

anhishere 11,158 14
03/13/2007 12:04 AM

Like I'm gonna read this whole thread to find a bad joke?

Well it was the longest post evar, so I'm surprised you didn't know-tice.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/13/2007 12:33 AM

Michael Jackson

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
03/13/2007 12:43 AM

I know a really bad racist joke. It makes me laugh, but I daren't type them. Unless you ask I will. But I will not be held accountable for offense for they are of bad taste.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/13/2007 12:48 AM

Bring. it.

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
03/13/2007 12:55 AM

OK you asked for it.

How do you drown a black man?

Pop his lips.

*Dives for cover*

Actually, I just thought of another one. Might not work for you guys though....

What do you call two Ethiopians in a sleeping bag?

Twix.

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/13/2007 12:57 AM

Here's a racist joke.

Q: Why do they put cotton in pill bottles?

A: To remind those niggas what they were picking before they got into drugs.

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
03/13/2007 12:58 AM

OK You win.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/13/2007 01:05 AM

CHING! CHANG! CHONG!

A nearby black man hears the noise and stops to investigate. He comes upon a Chinaman skipping stones across a pond.

Black Man: "Yo! What you be doin' mutha' Frosta'"

Chinaman: "I am carring to my ancestor, Ching, Chang, and Chong with these stones."

Black Man: "Shakespeare, lemme try dat'."

CHIM! PAN! ZEE!

The enraged black man hurls a large rock into the pond and BABOON! is heard for miles.

ObeseExplosive 3,430 7
03/13/2007 02:31 AM

A white guy goes up to a indian. He ask how they get there names. The indian says when there born the chief walks outside the teepee and choose's the name from the first thing he see's sitting bull, running horse and so on. So the white guy asks whats his name . The indian replys Two dogs Frost-ing.

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/13/2007 08:19 AM

Why couldn't Tommy ride a bicycle?
Because he was a gold fish.

Chance 171,275 14
03/13/2007 01:00 PM

A Nicoderm Story

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/13/2007 07:00 PM

Whats worse than finding a worm when you bite into an apple?

Finding half a worm

Whats worse than finding half a worm when you bite into an apple?

Getting AIDS
---
What is 20cm long, hard, stiff and make women howl?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/13/2007 07:17 PM

Ok, so Hitler is visiting Auschwitz for some reason. 2 rows of living skeletons stand on either side of the path to welcome him.

Out from somewhere comes this little boy, who walks right up to Hitler. He says: "Mein Fuhrer, tomorrow is my 11th birthday!"

Hitler smiles, kneels and says: "Wanna bet?"
----
Why are Mexicans so short?

Because their mothers used to tell them: "When you grow up, you have to get a job!"

GAchick 312 6
03/13/2007 07:59 PM

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".
"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc.
"No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".

Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc.
"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

GAchick 312 6
03/13/2007 08:08 PM

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the street and noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend was not happy. He walked in and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. "Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/16/2007 07:59 PM

One day Boudreaux walks down to the pier and sees Thibodeaux getting ready to leave with a perot full of duct tape. (Perot, pronounced pee-row is a cajun term for small boat)

"Where you going with all that duct tape?" asks Bodreaux.
"To get me some ducks." replies Thibodeaux. "Wanna come?"
"Hell no. I ain't gonna waste my time with you. You need a shoot gun to get ducks."

Later that day, Thibodeaux returns with a perot full of ducks.

The next morning, Thibodeaux is out at the pier with a perot full of little packets of neutra sweet.

"Where you going now?"
"Gonna go get me some neutra rats."
(In Louisiana, the State pays hunters and trappers $10 for every neutra rat pelt brought in. These are large dog size rodents that push out other wildlife)

"Wanna come with me?" asks Thibodeaux.
"Hell no, you need a shoot gun to get neutra rats."

Later that day Thibodeaux returns with a perot full of neutra rats.

The following morning, Thibodeaux shows up with a perot full of Poe-willows.

Boudreax looks it over. "Hold on, let me get my hat!"

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/16/2007 08:00 PM

Damn! This damn word filter put in CAT.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/16/2007 08:12 PM

Rules for making jokes:

1. If you must explain, it must be lame.

2. If the punch line contains a curse, don't post on a site with swearbot.



dummy.

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/16/2007 08:30 PM

Sorry Rook, I figured people like you would be too stupid to understand it without an explanation.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/16/2007 08:39 PM

your right, but that doesn't lessen the lameness.



Damn, I'm a prick.

Straw likes green 98,000 37
03/16/2007 08:48 PM

There's also the fact that this is a bad joke thread. So badness is the requirement.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/16/2007 08:52 PM

Doesn't change the fact that I'm a prick.

TheFoye 55,700 16
03/16/2007 09:18 PM

Worst joke I know.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?











A stick.

TheFoye 55,700 16
03/16/2007 09:20 PM

Deja vu, I think I've told that joke in another bad joke thread.

Pumpkin Noggin Cotton Tail 56,642 8
03/16/2007 09:21 PM

My 3 year old daughter told her mum last night "Do you like seafood?" the proceeded to stick her fingers down her throat.


She's obviously aspirin to be the next Paris Hilton...I've gotta hid that video camera.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/16/2007 09:41 PM

Um, she reduces the risk of heart disease when taken in small doses?