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...for Sucking Less Than 'Eight Simple Rules'
I'm a sitcom watcher. We all like a nice chuckle now and again, but unfortunately the good shows are outnumbered, outgunned, overwhelmed, and often obliterated by the bad.
In an effort to stem the tide of inane, sugary pap gushing down our satellite feeds, I've come up with a dozen ways to improve the average -- and significantly below-average; I'm looking at you, 'Yes, Dear' -- situational comedy:
1) Do not include a laugh track. If I can't figure out where the funny parts are, then you're not doing your damned job. And if I want yuks in a can, I'll buy a tin of cocktail weenies. I hear they're a hoot.
2) Do not air an episode, ever, concerning a mixup of identical twins, and the shenanigans that ensue. As a matter of fact, forget twins altogether. Creepy little buggers, what with the 'we know something you don't know' nonsense. Take that Shakespeare to Doublemint.
3) Do not use your show as a vehicle to tug on our heart strings, or to teach us a damned lesson. If I want drama, I'll watch Masterpiece Theater. If I want to learn, I'll tune into Nova. Or, I would, if watching PBS wasn't gay. But you get the point.
4) Do not set your sitcom in the '70s, or the '80s, or any other time besides the present. No one wants to see 'That 1770s Show', 'Battlestar Hilaria', or 'How I Met Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother'. If a guy walks onto your set wearing bellbottom pants, I will personally fly to the studio and kick him in the balls. Seriously.
5) Do not include a crotchety-but-sympathetic 'tough' character on the show, whose gruff exterior belies a tender, fluffy heart of gold. BullShakespeare. I've been around long enough to know: a gruff exterior is simply evidence of a gruff interior. A gruff, shriveled, impotent, pissy interior. Put it away.
6) Do not give the show a title with more than three words. After that, it's too damned hard to remember -- or bother to watch. Observe: Seinfeld -- fine. Friends -- very popular show. Life According to That Other Belushi, Who's Really Let Himself Go But Inexplicably Has a Smoking Hot Wife in This Show? Sorry. Not so much.
7) Do not include a random elderly character, like a grandparent or senile neighbor, just to pique the interest of the aging general population. Screw 'em. If the old folks can't relate to a 'regular' show, let 'em go back to Matlock and Walker, Texas Ranger. I hear Murder, She Wrote is nice and unoffensive this time of year, grandma. Move it along.
8) Do not employ any sort of ridiculous gimmick like dream sequences, flashbacks, or other fantasy bizarro world bullShakespeare. If I see wavy shimmer lines on my screen at any time, I will personally fly to the studio and kick your effects guy in the balls. Twice. I'm not kidding.
9) Do not cast a bubbly hot chick who can't act on the show. If she's got nice boobs and huge tracts of comedic talent, that's just peachy. Melony, even. Otherwise -- despite the protests coming from my pants -- we'll have to pass. Brainless eye candy does not a fine comedy make.
*Note: The preceding rule does not apply to comedies on HBO, Showtime, or Skinemax, where the unfunny bimbos can actually get naked on camera. I'm meeting you halfway here, penis. You owe me one.
10) Do not include the same tired, obvious stereotypes that have been used on every show since 'All in the Caveman Family'. If you have a gay male character, let him do more than wear all pink all the time and chitter about show tunes. If there's a girl from the South, don't have her twang it up, drive a pickup, and line dance her way to NASCAR races. Yes, I know the South is really like that -- but I don't need to see it in my living room. I eat in there sometimes, for chrissakes.
11) Do not include product endorsements during the show. I see you, sneaking in a can of Sprite, or an iPod, or a box of jumbo-wing Tampax pads 'accidentally' left in the camera shot, labels perfectly angled toward us. Shameless. Save the shilling for between the plot lines. Otherwise, how will I know when to slip out to use the can?
12) Finally, do not let the series linger on any longer than it has to. This isn't soap opera -- you're not obligated to pair up all of the possible couple combos, shoot 'onsite' episodes in every major city in the world, or have the characters face every financial and personal crisis known to mankind. Just let it go. If you're writing in a new baby, a retirement fund fiasco, or a Tim Conway cameo, then it's too late. You've jumped the shark, backed up, and run over it again. Game over.
I hope you can use these suggestions to help create shows that don't make me want to violate my television with a rabbit-ear antenna. Because if you don't, I will personally fly to your studio. And I think you know what's coming next.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
87 votes
4.1
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695  8
11/06/2005 01:37 PM
First to post. w000000t
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0 votes
0.0
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
11/06/2005 01:50 PM
Gah, but this is great. Also, it's when I read articles like this I regret GAB's new one-rating-only system. Can someone give me a link to the thread John outlined the changes?
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos, The Taco Squirrel 695 8
11/06/2005 01:59 PM
And i also know all southerners are like that. Southerners being everyone below canada.
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0 votes
0.0
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Roasted Raccoon with Stuffing 56,688 10
11/06/2005 04:54 PM
Zolton, if I knew where you lived I would send you candy to help fund all the flights you're going to be taking.
Yes, that's how it works.
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0 votes
0.0
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Captain Dan 44,452 11
11/06/2005 06:18 PM
Zolton is dreamy.
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0 votes
0.0
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Jade - Queen of Mistakes 14,453 11
11/06/2005 06:23 PM
Zolton, after reading that, I want to have your babies.
Comedy. Gold.
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0 votes
0.0
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Who wants to taste my pie? 171,275 14
11/06/2005 06:24 PM
I LOVE that 70's show. I DONT CARE WHAT YOU GUYS SAY! Donna is HOT HOT!
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0 votes
0.0
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Zolton Desiato, Dead for Tax Reasons 88,200 34
11/06/2005 07:52 PM
Hot yes, Chance. Yes, yes, most fappily yes.
Funny, no. Cast her in a porno, and I'm all over it. With hot fudge, sex wax, and a pygmy gorilla. But a sitcom? Notnearlysomuch.
Also, just for the record, strange English NLI person -- in my humble opinion, the very best sitcom episode ever is 'Communication Problems' from Fawlty Towers. Kudos to your side of the pond for that gem.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
11/06/2005 10:31 PM
Second funniest may be that one where Millie throws the spaghetti against the wall and says, "Pasta? Now it's garbage!"
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0 votes
0.0
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Captain Dan 44,452 11
11/06/2005 10:33 PM
Wait!
Millie put Basil in the ratatouille?!
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
11/06/2005 10:36 PM
Millie puts the Basil in the Rathbone, if you know what I mean.
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0 votes
0.0
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newwave 45,912 10
11/06/2005 10:46 PM
Walter Matthau IS hot, but he's no Jack Lemmon-Party all by himself, you know.
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0 votes
0.0
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Roasted Raccoon with Stuffing 56,688 10
11/06/2005 10:49 PM
newwave, you disgust me.
And I love you.
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0 votes
0.0
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newwave 45,912 10
11/06/2005 11:17 PM
I appreciate the kind words, you two. Just remember that when I get my next masterpiece article published.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
11/06/2005 11:54 PM
Thank you, Zolton, for answering my plea.
But "No one wants to see 'That 1770s Show'"?
I beg to differ.
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0 votes
0.0
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Zolton Desiato, Dead for Tax Reasons 88,200 34
11/07/2005 12:06 AM
But remember, Whistler -- it would most likely 'star' Ashton Kutcher as the town blacksmith, featuring Nicole Ritchie and Ashlee Simpson as revolutionary cheerleaders of some sort. And a very special guest appearance by Wayne Brady as Crispus Attucks.
So, I'm pretty sure you don't want to see it. Not like that.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
11/07/2005 01:30 AM
I watched a Jerry Lewis DVD today. It would be high culture for me.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Phuc 237,919 21
11/10/2005 06:41 AM
Excellent work, especially for someone who lives in... that town. At least you got Meat Spot over there near the Square.
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0 votes
0.0
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thepokematrix 39 7
11/20/2005 01:17 PM
THAT 70s SHOW IS FRIGGIN AWESOME!!! Just for that I'm not going to rate you article... actually its out of utter laziness... but you get the point
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