Prank Call to FAO Schwarz
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  128,224  71
11/14/2005 01:14 PM 4653 views
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 FAO Schwarz, the famous upscale toy retailer, was forced to declare bankruptcy a few years ago, due to competition from discount toy retailers like Toys R Us and Wal-Mart. Apparently not a lot of people were buying those $250,000 light-up keyboards that Tom Hanks danced across in Big. Even though FAO Schwarz has since emerged from bankruptcy, they're still selling the same ridiculously overpriced toys, like A $19,000 PLAYHOUSE.
When ZUG reader Scott Kelley told me about the $19,000 FAO Schwarz Playhouse at right, I thought it was a typo. There are parts of Arkansas where you can get a real house for $19,000. I love the way that the playhouse offers "authentic details to enrich a child's imagination." What imagination!? A cardboard box would enrich a child's imagination, not a $19,000 playhouse! I couldn't believe this was for real, so I made the following prank phone call to FAO Schwarz.
FAO SCHWARZ: Thanks for calling FAO Schwarz, this is Jean.
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, Jean. I recently received your catalog, and I was looking at the Grand Victorian Mansion, item #845602.
FAO: Yes. Isn't it beautiful?
JH: It certainly is. And not a bad price, either. If you knew the price of real estate around here, you'd jump all over this.
FAO: [Laughs]
JH: Now, does it come assembled?
FAO: No, sir.
JH: So you just ship the materials and I build it myself?
FAO: OK ... let me just read it here ... the description says "assembly required."
JH: So you're going to just dump a bunch of shingles and wood on my lawn?
FAO: Ah ... OK, I'm just accessing some additional information.
JH: I mean, I could just go to Home Depot and buy that crap.
FAO: Right. Let me see here. It says that the delivery company will assist you with the assembly.
JH: How many bathrooms does it have?
FAO: It says, let me see, it doesn't say how many bathrooms are in the playhouse.
JH: That's usually a standard feature of real estate, you list the number of bedrooms and bathrooms. Strange.
FAO: Right...
JH: What are the children's names?
FAO: I'm sorry?
JH: The children, in the picture. What are their names?
FAO: Oh, I honestly don't know that. They're just little actors.
JH: So the children don't come with the house?
FAO: [Pause] No.
JH: So it's $19,000 just for this house?
FAO: Yes.
JH: Are the children sold separately?
FAO: We don't sell children at FAO Schwarz.
JH: I'm sorry. You don't...?
FAO: No. It's against the law to do that.
JH: Not even a la carte?
FAO: [Very long pause] No. Do you need anything else?
JH: Well, this is sounding less and less attractive. A $19,000 playhouse is ... geez. Look: I just want to know that it's a comfortable place for the kids to live.
FAO: OK, well, it is supposed to be a playhouse, it's not supposed to be a place for children to live.
JH: [Pause] I'm sorry, I don't understand.
FAO: It's a playhouse. For children to play in.
JH: Come on. I'm looking at these kids in the picture, and it's very clear they're not playing. They're on their way to work or something.
FAO: I don't know what to tell you.
JH: They're probably working to pay off their mortgage.
FAO: Would you mind holding for one moment, sir?
JH: No, I think I'm good. I'm going to need to talk this over with the wife. Thanks for your help.
FAO: Thank you for calling FAO Schwarz.
The saddest thing is that we have wealthy parents buying these playhouses for their kids, when there's a world full of homeless midgets out there. Life just isn't fair.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
48 votes
4.3
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13 Comments on "Prank Call to FAO Schwarz"
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Ditdah 123,092  14
11/14/2005 01:18 PM
But John, it features a brass doorknocker! That alone has to be worth a grand!
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Frogpop - doin' a heck of a job. 173,136 25
11/14/2005 01:35 PM
I don't care how well dressed they are, I don't think FAO Schwarz should be endorsing premarital sex for the under 10 crowd, I don't care how waspy they are.
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PrincessBritt: Mostly Harmless 4,730 8
11/14/2005 01:50 PM
I wonder if the delivery company also assists with the landscaping in front of the playhouse.
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Daughter obsesses with the flowers 0 7
11/14/2005 03:09 PM
There's no ramp out front is that boy supposed to just hobble up that step into the front door... UNHEARD OF! They should have a handicapped accessible version... think of the poor crippled kids!
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Miracles Gets the Wishbone 22,430 0
11/14/2005 03:12 PM
Are the children sold separately?
That was sweet.
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Kocharks 59 7
11/14/2005 03:43 PM
What about their cars? where are they going to park The Audi? this is UNBELIEVABLE!! IM CALLING MY SENATOR!
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Another Person 12 7
11/14/2005 05:40 PM
with a door that small how will they get their uglydoll in there
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Uh-oh Army 710 0
11/15/2005 08:05 PM
What's wrong with these people. I usually don't start at $25,000 for a playhouse.
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Davidman911 0 7
11/15/2005 09:19 PM
You should be able to buy the children, too.
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SHP 181,469 70
11/17/2005 05:50 PM
I haven't laughed this hard at a prank call since the one that brought me to Zug.
Way to go, Jeff.
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KRAG8243 0 8
11/17/2005 11:28 PM
Sorry, a little short for my taste.
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