Pres. Jimmy Carter 44,452 11
12/11/2005 10:42 PM

These ten days confirmed my belief in the decency and the strength and the wisdom of the Gab people, but it also bore out some of my long-standing concerns about our underlying problems.



After listening to the Gab people I have been reminded again that all the parody threads in the world can't fix what's wrong with this place. So, I want to speak to you first tonight about a subject even more serious than poop, throat-Frost-ing, poop-Frost-ing, or throatpooping. I want to talk to you right now about a fundamental threat to our way of life.



The threat is nearly invisible in ordinary ways. It is a crisis of confidence. It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and spirit of our Board's will. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the need for comedy articles and posts that cross the 250-word barrier.



The symptoms of this crisis of the Gab spirit are all around us. For the first time in the history of our board a majority of our people believe that the next five threads will be worse than the past five threads. Two-thirds of our people do not even write articles. The subtlety found in most threads is actually dropping, and the willingness of Gabbers to be respectful of others has fallen below that of all other forum posters in the Western world. . . .



We are at a turning point in our history. There are two paths to choose. One is a path I've warned about tonight, the path that leads to fragmentation and self-interest. Down that road lies a mistaken idea of what is funny, the ability to re-tread Stage 5 concepts. That path would be one of constant conflict between narrow interests ending in chaos and immaturity. It is a certain route to failure.

Pres. Jimmy Carter 44,452 11
12/11/2005 10:42 PM

All the traditions of our past, all the lessons of our heritage, all the promises of our future point to another path, the path of common purpose and the restoration of Gabber values. That path leads to true freedom for our comedy and for ourselves. We can take the first steps down that path as we begin to solve our poop-joke problem.



You know we can do it. We have the resources (Canadians). We have more comedy in our blood than Oxycodone in Rush Limbaugh. We have more funny people than any board on Earth. We have the world's highest level of amusing trivia. We have the most skilled force, with innovative genius, and I firmly believe that we have the will to win this war.



Little by little we can and we must rebuild our confidence. We can make obscure references until we no longer draw breath, and we may liberally borrow material from Scott Adams. But we can succeed only if we tap our greatest resources - Gab's people, Gab's values, and Gab's confidence. I have seen the strength of Gab in the inexhaustible resources of our posters. In the days to come, let us renew that strength in the struggle for a comedy-secure board.



In closing, let me say this: I will do my best, but I cannot do it alone. I will personally be submitting one new article per week, for the next 12 weeks, and I urge you to let your voice be heard as well. To those of you who have never written an article: now is an excellent time. Gabbers will be more forgiving during the drunken holiday season. Working together with our common faith we cannot fail.



Thank you and good night.

Chi Chi Felipe: What Scientologists Believe In 161,353 14
12/11/2005 10:42 PM

You're history's greatest monster!

Fratberry 283,018 53
12/11/2005 10:46 PM

Yay! Dan's finals are over! Or maybe this was one of them.

Deck the halls with boughs of Daggy 86,705 14
12/11/2005 10:46 PM

It's that peanut guy!

Rent: Seasons of Phla - Merry Christmas, bitches! 131,068 34
12/11/2005 10:48 PM

Want to see my impression of President Jimmy Carter? Ready?





Hi. I'm President Jimmy Carter.

Thank you very much.

RR: naughty and nice 56,688 10
12/11/2005 10:51 PM

Knight Dan, what is this common faith you speak of? I want to believe!

Element Snow 0 0
12/11/2005 10:51 PM

You still owe me 27$, Jimmy.

From now on... no, click HERE.

EIement Snow 203,956 21
12/11/2005 10:58 PM

You can tell how smart I am because I put the dollar sign after the numerical value.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
12/11/2005 11:05 PM

So 12 more articles. Yet, you didn't ask me to help you with any.



LAST TIME I WORK WITH YOU.



Lousy Pro/Am partner.

Chi Chi Felipe: What Scientologists Believe In 161,353 14
12/11/2005 11:08 PM

Holy crap. Articles. I need to read those.

Chi Chi Felipe: What Scientologists Believe In 161,353 14
12/11/2005 11:15 PM

I'd feel wrong cashing my hundreds of thousands of dollars in checks from John.

Oliver Chest: Vagisil on Toast 203,475 12
12/12/2005 01:26 AM

If I were smart, I'd write an article.



So all you'll get is poop jokes from me. Sorry.

Visions of SuGarD Pantsed in their Beds 2,724 8
12/12/2005 01:29 AM

What are the guidlines for writing articles?

Don't Rape the Zombie 30,762 12
12/12/2005 03:17 AM

Don't suck.

Visions of SuGarD Pantsed in their Beds 2,724 8
12/12/2005 03:20 AM

I'm out.

RR: naughty and nice 56,688 10
12/12/2005 08:53 AM

Demo and Zolton both have been encouraging me to write a certain article but I guarantee you it will not be subtle or high-brow. In an effort to help Knight Dan's cause I'll do it, but you people better not have high hopes.

daisypie 49,378 9
12/12/2005 01:29 PM

Mr. President, it is one of my deepest regrets that I was not able to free myself from my mother's wretched womb a mere two weeks sooner, so as to cast a vote for you in the

1980 United States Presidential election. You have my full faith and support now, sir!

Winter Celebration Chickens 286,539 61
12/12/2005 01:53 PM

Dear Mr. President,



Your judge appointements suck.



I am gonna have to call a Tookie Williams on your habitat for humanity projects. Good stuff, but it doesn't make up for your past crimes.



I hope the attack rabbit gets you this time.



xxxooo



Chickens

SausageBoy 15,703 0
12/12/2005 02:00 PM

Attack Rabbits eat peanuts?



<something new, every day>

Chickens wears his blue bandana for Tookie 286,539 61
12/12/2005 02:09 PM

One of the greatest moments of the Carter presidency for the unwashed.

Chickens wears his blue bandana for Tookie 286,539 61
12/12/2005 02:11 PM

the story

daisypie 49,378 9
12/12/2005 02:19 PM

One of the greatest moments of the Carter Bush (41) presidency for the non brain unwashed.

daisypie 49,378 9
12/12/2005 02:21 PM

One of the greatest moments of the Carter Bush (43) presidency for the non brain unwashed.

Oliver Chest: Vagisil on Toast 203,475 12
12/12/2005 02:23 PM

You guys know this thread isn't really about politics at all, right?

daisypie 49,378 9
12/12/2005 02:24 PM

...almost all of Carter's judicial appointments are dead, and 2/3rds

of all current sitting federal judges were republican appointees...

Mr. Sir, smuggling sugar plums. 66,727 9
12/12/2005 02:36 PM

On October 14, 1978 President Carter signed into law a bill that legalized the homebrewing of beer and wine.

Visions of SuGarD Pantsed in their Beds 2,724 8
12/13/2005 03:06 AM

Dear Cap'n Dan:



I am working on a short- to medium-length article for the general GAB audience, per your orders.



No offence to your greatness, it is my failing alone, but I've had some difficulty coming up with the 50-per-day Cap'n Dan praises you advised me to say to make me happy and wittier.



I have, however, found it easier to come up with a daily Cap'n Dan Praise Theme.



For example, today's theme is:

If Cap'n Dan Were Breasts...



... he would have superlative nipples and pink, hairless areolas.



... and he was standing on the equator facing east, his left nipple would point to the North Star, his right to the Southern Cross.



... feminists would perform double automastectomy with their teeth to protest his public display.



etc.





I feel happy, and somewhat wittier.



Yours,



SuGarD