Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/08/2006 03:07 AM

I couldn't wait to shave, push the lawnmower, and get done with school.

Big Boobs McGee 6,369 10
01/08/2006 03:08 AM

That was stupid?

McRib, going nowhere fast 13,155 9
01/08/2006 03:08 AM

I was born.

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/08/2006 03:16 AM

Ok, I used to think I was sly and pull out the drawers in the kitchen to use as stairs. Once on the counter I could reach the cookies that were in the cupboard. (out of my reach)



On one such occasion, I loaded up with cookies and heard someone approaching so I made the jump instead of climbing back down. Being an idiot though, I did it with my tongue sticking out and almost bit the Froster off when my feet touched down.



I still have a ridge on my tongue from the scar tissue.

Caitlion 26 8
01/08/2006 03:39 AM

When I was really little (as in, age 1-2), my mother bought me an oversized pad of paper for me to draw (scribble) on. I was doing my little two-year-old thing, and I ran through the front room, where the pad of paper happened to be. I ran right over the pad of paper, it slipped out from underneath me, and I pulled a Charlie Brown. Wouldn't you know it, my mother was there to witness (and remind me) it. When I noticed her, I was so angry that I cried my little toddler eyes out while locked in my room. I didn't speak to her for an hour, which is a lot for a little kid.

newwave 45,912 10
01/08/2006 03:56 AM

The same thing happened to me, but I was 22.

Gorky Thatcher- Outlaw Poet 41,132 13
01/08/2006 08:46 AM

I blew Bubbles.

nathyn: backatcha 0 0
01/08/2006 08:48 AM

I busted out to early...

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:16 AM

One time I woke up in the middle of the night and walked out into the living room. My mom was having a killer party, everyone was naked. Yeah I scrubbed my eyes out with soap.

WHY WAS THERE 3 GUYS HURTING YOU MOMMY WHY!



So like I never got out of bed at night again. Good times. good times.

Neep: wants to shag Kate Mulgrew in a santa hat. 35,066 15
01/08/2006 09:16 AM

I crawled on a metal meat dish (the kind with metal spikes) that someone had left on the floor for the cats to lick. The spikes pierced my baby knees and I still have little holes in them.



I once went under my cot to reach the grumpy old cat, she scratched me in the eye and my eyeball bled. Blood filled tears, literally.



When we were 3 or 4, Jaggy and I removed all of the wallpaper from our room. We started at the bottom and pulled until it came rolling down. I climbed onto a dresser to reach higher, fell off and broke my nose. All I remember is watching my blood drip onto my mums arm as she carried me down the hall, and a green flannel. For years I could twist my nose around so the nostrils pointed upwards (Jaggy can assure you that I'm not exagerating) and it is still a bit crooked.



As a baby learning to pull myself up I pulled a heavy old sewing machine onto my head. Sure, go ahead and make the obvious joke about the effects of this one.



The week I learnt to walk, my parents still weren't quite used to how fast I could move. They thought I was upstairs, when really I was in the garage saying bye to dad. He ran over my foot with the van. I have an interesting pattern on my ankle where my stretch and grows were pressed into my skin.



I'm forgetting some. I know I am. It is 0310 hours. Maybe I will remember in the morning... Jaggy doens't have any stories like this because she wasn't as adventurous and lively. Or our parents love her more and weren't trying to kill her. Either one.

Crackalackalackalacka gets carried away sometimes. 68,758 11
01/08/2006 09:18 AM

At the age of about 12 I discovered that rubbing alcohol was flammable, buy not terribly dangerous. From then on all my action figure battles included someone being thrown into a burning bowl of alcohol. Until I set my carpet on fire.

It's Simpsons quote... ahhhh shaddup! 86,705 14
01/08/2006 09:27 AM

When I was 10 years old, we got a new fangled thing called a 'telephone'.



I was living in England at the time, and the IRA were planting bombs all over the place to try and kill innocent people.



We only just got the TV the year before.... so I didn't fully understand it.



I rang the equivalent of 911.... because nobody we knew had a phone and I really wanted to use it.



I told the operater that there was a bomb planted somewhere, I forget where I said.



They asked for my phone number and I gave it to them.



20 minutes later, my house was surrounded by cop cars.



I got my arse kicked.



The end.

Neep: wants to shag Kate Mulgrew in a santa hat. 35,066 15
01/08/2006 09:28 AM

Daggy wins.

Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
01/08/2006 09:31 AM

I used to put Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on my bike spokes. You know the ones where you can put like a sword or something in thier hands? Well one day I put on a new one and I started riding around my neighborhood when all of a sudden my front wheel Immediately stopped and sent me over the handle bars. Still got a few chin scars and one right above my lip.

KChiki - Spirit of Noobs Past... 128,316 98
01/08/2006 10:06 AM

When I was about 8, I had a pair of white roller skates with big yellow wheels. My sister (3.5 yrs younger) and I were skating on the driveway when I had a great idea! I got her to stand still while I *attempted* to kick my roller-skated-weighted foot over her innocent little head. I ended up kicking her right in the mouth. She had to get 4 stitches in her lip and got to eat popsicles for a week.



When I was 7, I went to get the paper for my great-aunt. The paperbox was up near the paved road (we lived down a dirt road). I got up there and was looking longingly at the other side of the road, (which I wasn't supposed to cross) when my dog happened to run across the road and proceeded to bark at me from the other side. I crossed the road, and the dog ran back. While I waited for traffic to clear, an old black man with gold teeth stopped on my side and started toward me, saying things like, "Heeeey lil girl, whatchoo doin?" I panicked and ran back across, right in front of a pickup truck. He saw me and slowed down enough that he just knocked me down, but I blacked out and the guy in the truck (somehow) found my parents. Nobody ever saw the man that tried to get me though.

newwave 45,912 10
01/08/2006 10:14 AM

Heeeey lil girl, whatchoo doin?

Trae 156,790 17
01/08/2006 10:52 AM

When I was about 2yrs old I was riding on a crowded bus downtown with my Mom and Grandmother. I was a chatty little thing but still hadn't mastered the English language.



So, on this particular day the bus passed by a construction site with all these trucks. I got a big smile on my face and started yelling "Frost! Frost! Frost!".



Yeah, I guess I started early.

Phla. Just Phla. 131,068 34
01/08/2006 11:17 AM

When my parents told me everyone was out to get me, I listened.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 11:26 AM

My Bad(age)



I played entire soccer games against myself (10-14)



I hit a 7-iron into the church across the street (13)



I stuck a frozen pea up my nose and it got... well, stuck (3)



One time, I took all four mini rubber tires off of a tinty toy truck I had to see if I could fit them all in one nostril. I only got three. (7)



I shoved my hand through a thin pane of glass (1 1/2)



I used to be paranoid about things like I though my parents had installed a miniature camera or something in this big lump on the top of our dog's head so they could spy on me. (8-17)



I flipped a lawn tractor (13)



I went to a site a guy told me to, full of depraved and sexually frustrated looneys. (18) ...

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
01/08/2006 01:57 PM

When I was 18 I stuck a paperclip in an electrical outlet. The sparking was spectacular. When asked why I did it, I responded "I wasn't stupid enough to do it when I was 4."

10 Inch Pianist 220 9
01/08/2006 02:31 PM

When I was five or six, and my cousin a year older, we were playing in a refridgerator box.



We lived in the middle of nowhere. This was fun.



We had decided this would be our spy fortress, and that we needed eyeholes. She being a year older than me, she bossed me around a lot.



I was making eyeholes outside with a sharpened pencil. She was inside, checking them out.



"This one isn't big enough!"



I go over to where I hear the voice coming from, and make it bigger.



What I didn't realize, until I heard the screams and saw the blood, was that her eye was still against the hole.



If I had gone about a hair's width over, she would have been blind. To this day she still gets on my case about it.

Big Boobs McGee 6,369 10
01/08/2006 02:40 PM

One day when I was 6, I was in dance class and had to pee really bad. They had this really old bathroom that had a very heavey sliding door and a very high up lightswitch. I could only open the door just enough to get through, and then it would slam sut. I couldn't reach the switch, so I just felt for the toilet. I found something that felt kind of cold and toilet like. Now, you must remember how hard it is for a little girl who REALLY has to pee, in the pitch black, to take off her tights and leotards. After I finally got them off I hovered (My mother told me never to sit on a public toilet seat) over the "toilet" and let loose. Unfortunatly, it was a garbage can. A garbage can with a curved lid. My pee just ran off and soaked my leotards and tights which were around my ankles. I got so freaked out and upset, I imediatly tried to run out of the bathroom, but of course a)pitch blackness b)tights around ankles c) closed door/tight space. I ended up knocking my teeth on the sink, and slipping backwards to have my head land in my own puddle of urine. So I had to waddle out the heavey door, with pee soaked tights and head, basically naked, all the way down the hall past all the big girl dancers to my teacher, wailing that I had peed on my head.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 02:59 PM

Wow. So is that were fetishes come from? Do you like to be peed on? Because, obviously, I like to insert things into my body it seems. Peas, tires, cheerios, capibaras....

Big Boobs McGee 6,369 10
01/08/2006 03:02 PM

No, I have to say I'm not into being peed upon.



Where is it exactly that you insert the capybara?

Walter Sobchest 203,475 12
01/08/2006 03:15 PM

My dad built a little bike ramp for my brother and I to jump off of when we first learned how to ride. We would put it at the end of our driveway, get speed, and jump about a half a foot. We would ride across the street and up the driveway of the house across the street, turn around and go back and do it all over.



Unfortunately, the way back was a blind corner.



I managed to t-bone a pick up truck on my way back. Something, my bike or head, managed shatter his passenger side window, and his passenger side mirror.



Of course, me being4 or 5 years old, became hysterical. Turns out he was out local congressman. He became hysterical thinking he had killed a small neighborhood child.



He picked me up and ran me back to my house. My mom and dad rushed me inside and laid me on the couch. Then they went back to talk to the Congressman. While they were figuring out what happened, I realized I wasn't hurt at all. No bumps, bruises, cuts, scratches, nothing.



So I went up and played Nintendo.

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
01/08/2006 03:18 PM

When I was 12, my buddy and I were out riding bikes around the neighborhood on a hot summer day, we got back to my house, on the driveway was a bottle of water, it didn't seem out of place to us because it was the same bottles we keep water in our fridge with. My buddy picked it up and took a drink from it. He spit it out and said it tasted funny. I chalked it up to being in a crappy plastic bottle and being out in the sun in like 98 + heat. He took another drink and handed me the bottle. I took a drink, being very thirsty I began to chug. I had downed about a quart of liquid, when my mother comes running out of the house screaming. She had used that bottle to mix up a fungicide to kill blight on the lawn. My buddy had drunk about 8 ounces; I had a little over a quart of it. She called poison control, and they told us to drink a glass of milk. Afterwards I was completely fine. My buddy was puking his guts up for the rest of the night.





























































This story isn't so much stupid, but about how much I kick ass at drinking poison.

Walter Sobchest 203,475 12
01/08/2006 03:18 PM

My parents were very realistic with us. When we asked about Santa Claus, they told us the truth. They said he's not an actual person that exists, but he is the spirit of what the Holiday should represent.



They never told us not to tell other kids that. My parents got a lot of phone calls from other angry parents.

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
01/08/2006 03:27 PM

When I was 8, I asked my math teacher if I could see her boobs, now that I think about it Millie kind of looks like her.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/08/2006 03:28 PM

When I was about fifteen I made my sister cry by telling her there was no Santa Claus. The sad part is, she's two years older than me.

Prof. Fantabulous 19,711 13
01/08/2006 03:36 PM

I think i was about in grade one, and i was at my babysitters.

I was doing a "superman" slide accross the coffee table (sliding across the table on my belly). I got a little excited, and jumped too early. The edge of the coffee table cut into my upper lip. My babysitter pulled the lower third of my lip off, telling me that it would make me feel better.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 03:43 PM

Where is it exactly that you insert the capybara?



Give me a can of Crisco and a prybar and I'll show you.



On you, though...

Dr. Jepper 58,758 13
01/08/2006 03:49 PM

Well, there was this......

echo423 0 7
01/08/2006 04:28 PM

I hit a parked car on my bike.

Balfazz 518 9
01/08/2006 04:49 PM

My brother dared me to hit in the head with a hammer, so I did.

Balfazz 518 9
01/08/2006 04:49 PM

hit HIM, that is

Robin® 14,626 10
01/08/2006 06:34 PM

I was three. I was pretending to be a dog so I laid out newspaper in the kitchen and took off my underwear intending to use the paper. My mom came in in time to stop me.

Neep: wants to shag Kate Mulgrew in a santa hat. 35,066 15
01/08/2006 06:42 PM

Jep, that wasn't stupid. It was Frost-ing awesome.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 07:18 PM

Oh yeah, I forgot about a bunch of school-related stuff...



Did anybody ever do a tandem swing when the were kids? Ya know, where you take two swings next to eachother, sit in them, then twist them 90 degrees so they face eachother, then put your feet in the other persons lap so your legs are locked and both of you swing sideways together? Then the other kids stand there, push you by your legs, and have to duck/dodge when you come back inbound, but then rush in again to push you again as you are heading outbound... Well, make sure the chains on both swings are the same length. I got in the low swing and the girl I was swinging with (heh) was in the high one... we get going and up pretty high. The whole thing gets jerk and we get on a crazy trajectory and I slam my spine right into the metal pole of the swingset. The force of the impact broke us apart. Luckily, I didn't end up blowing in a plastic straw for the rest of my life to get around. Rather than sever my spine, it set a massive jolt up and down it and I just took of running in one direction, with no control over it. I remember wondering who in the hell was moving my legs for me. My arms hung motionless at my side. I made it 50 feet then collapsed and blacked out.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 07:22 PM

In 8th grade, before basketball games, we'd get in the locker room and each of us had a can of spray deoderant and a bic lighter we swiped from our parents. We'd then have flame-thrower wars. Sometimes, we'd stand in a circle, one person would light theirs, and the rest of us would spray their flame until we had a giant fireball in the middle.

Eric! at the Disco 278 8
01/08/2006 07:55 PM

In kindergarten, I rode my bike down "Suicide Hill." Now this street was paved, but it's not what you'd think of when you hear paved. It was more like pieces of rock jammed together to make a flat driving surface, early nineties pavement. Little did I know that this brand new bike from my grandpa was missing something that may have been very important. Brakes. As I careened down the hill at 150 mph, I figured it was about time to stop. I pulled the brake, but to no avail. The smartest thing I could think of was to drag my bare feet down that beautiful rocky pavement until I stopped, and at the same time, tearing off all of my toenails and ripping the joints of my toes to the bone, leaving bloody smears down the length of the hill. Thanks Grandpa!

Eric! at the Disco 278 8
01/08/2006 07:57 PM

Another stupid thing I did as a child?













My cat.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 08:41 PM

One time I was standing outside playing with my remote control car, and the crazy fat guy who lived caddy-corner across the street but refused to sleep in his house and always camped in a tent in the back yard with up to 3 other men and who always wore suspenders... and ONLY suspenders, came across the street and started talking to me. The day before I'd been bitched out by my mother for not looking people in the eye when I met them, because that was considered rude. I'd taken it to heart. I was only 6 and hadn't learned that mothers a neurotic quasi-retarded overreactionaries. So as much as my creep-o-meter told me to run, far and fast, I stood there and nodded to whatever he was saying, yet still frantically looking around planning my escape route should things turn... eh, you know. Then my mom saw all this and yelled to me "Hey, J*BleeP*, DINNER!" At 4:00 in the afternoon.

I left the r/c car there in the street and ran.



I never trusted any

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 08:43 PM

gee, here's an 're' that got lost.. as well as an 'thing my mother told me ever again.' Put them in the right place and you get a cookie.

Fartpuppy - Still turning girls into lesbians 5,142 13
01/08/2006 08:45 PM

Eric, I will kill you if you ever post anything like that again.



I was cringing the whole time. I HATE CRINGING.

Millie 116,988 28
01/08/2006 09:11 PM

I didn't do many stupid things as a baby.



But as a teenager, I would be out until 4:00 a.m. with drunk guys who drove pick-up trucks and baseball hats with the names of tractors on them.



I also hitchhiked everywhere and did tons of drugs.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 09:14 PM

Wow. I didn't know you could drive a baseball hat.

Millie 116,988 28
01/08/2006 09:14 PM

I meant to say child, not baby.



As I baby, I did a lot of stupid things, like Shakespeare my pants and throw up stuff.



As a child, I didn't do much, stupid or otherwise, because I was too scared to do anything.



Plus, my twin brother always did stupid things and broke a lot of bones before I ever had the chance to do them.



Another thing I did as a teen was "skitching" which involved holding on to the bumpers of cars in the snow. It seems like they didn't plow the streets as much back then.



Also, one of us would ride a bicycle while the other would stand on a skateboard and hold a rope that was tied to the back of the bicycle.

Millie 116,988 28
01/08/2006 09:14 PM

Shut up Mofo.

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:15 PM

I was a latch key kid. I came home from elementary school one day and a light went out by itself. I ran out the door and onto my bike head first into the mailbox. I thought a ghost was chasing me.

Fartpuppy - Still turning girls into lesbians 5,142 13
01/08/2006 09:15 PM

Just think of the money you would have made if you saved those drugs and sold them now.

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:16 PM

Ooh Ooh then like a week later..I was walking home from same elementary school and a car pulled up along side me. I dropped my bag and ran like a crazy mofo screaming HELPPP!!! I ran up to a neighbor telling them someone was trying to kidnap me. My dad had bought a new car.

Mofo - '06 Edition! 10,950 10
01/08/2006 09:17 PM

Frost that, think of how HIGH you'd be if you saved all those drugs and did them now!

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:19 PM

When I was 16, I was a cheerleader. You were suppose to have these matching panties to go under the skirt so when you did flips and such nobody would see anything. Anyways my mom bought mine too big and I mooned the whole school doing a back flip.



You just cant make this Shakespeare up.

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:23 PM

Another time my uncle took me to a lake with geese and ducks. I stole a goose egg and kept it in my backpack until it rotted. I wanted my own goose.



I WANT A GOLDEN EGG DADDY!



So like I got in trouble.

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:26 PM

I was on Double Dare as a child and won a stupid yellow t-shirt.



I was in a church play "Psaltys Christmas" and tore my pants in the crotch by accident. Was so afraid to tell anyone and tried to fix them myself. One again showing my crotch to a large audience. In church no less.

Millie 116,988 28
01/08/2006 09:26 PM

If I saved all the drugs I did, I wouldn't have had as much fun back then. Now I'm too old to do drugs.



Except alcohol.

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:29 PM

I could go on for days, cause all I remember is the stupid Shakespeare.



When I was 4 the 16 year old neighbor kid was watching me. He was washing his car and sprayed my clothes down... took me into the bathroom and undressed me. Then he told me he'd show me his if I showed him mine.



I became a woman that day.

Fartpuppy - Still turning girls into lesbians 5,142 13
01/08/2006 09:30 PM

Yes but you would have a lot of money.



The past couple of weeks i've found out money buys fun.

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
01/08/2006 09:31 PM

I dont know why the Frost I just posted that. Damn pain killers. Okeedokee...it must be sleepy time.

Shubha Sibongile Chickens 286,539 61
01/09/2006 10:23 AM

When I was about 12 I rode my bike to the nearest convenience store and bought a dozen eggs about three weeks before Halloween.



I stored them in the culvert across the street from my house until the blessed day. That afternoon, as we neighborhood kids were taking stock of our weapons of choice, I let slip that I had the dozen by-now-rotten eggs. The bigger boys were all "how cool!" until I showed them where I had them hidden and they took them out and broke all of them on me.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/09/2006 11:34 AM

I sent a Fax to the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.



Contents:

- 2 magazine cutouts of half naked girls.

- 1 8 inch Pentagram.

- 10 1.5 inch Capital letters: I LOVE SATAN

- 1 crudely drawn penis



We thought we were clear of all blame. We didn't know what a Facsimilie Reciept was, nor could we pronounce it.



2 days later I got a call in the morning from my buddy's Mom, who was contacted by the church. Our moms made us write an apology to the church.





I faxed mine.

Shubha Sibongile Chickens 286,539 61
01/09/2006 11:44 AM

I faxed mine.



Awesome.

KChiki Malugalugalugalugaluga 128,316 98
01/09/2006 11:57 AM

When I was about 6, I was riding my bike around the driveway in the blistering Florida sun. I had brought a can of Chek Grape Soda with me, which was my FAVORITE drink at the time, and had set it carefully on the driveway near the edge of the house.



About an hour later, I was getting thirsty and remembered my Grape Soda. I pedaled over, threw down my bike and picked up the can, fully expecting a rush of sweet, slightly-warm goodness.



When I put the can to my lips, however, what rushed out were about thirty CARPENTER-ANTS all over my little 6-year-old face. I screamed, threw down the soda can and ran. To this day, grape soda makes me cringe, and I won't drink it.

Sharribarri 14,124 11
01/09/2006 11:58 AM

When I was 8 and my brother was 7, we were home with my 18 year old brother supervising. That means he was probably in his room with a neighboorhood girlfriend studying hard for his french exam. Anywhoo, we decided we'd like to have a fire in the backyard and couldn't find matches. No problem, we had a gas stove. We rolled pieces of newspaper up like we'd seen our father and siblings do at campsites to start the fires.



We left the gas stove partly on, so gas was filling the 3 family house we lived in, but no one was aware because the safety clicky thingy wasn't engaged. My brother emerged from his lovefest and smelled gas and saw our attempts to start a fire. We were yealled at by him and threatened with spanking by our father who wasn't home, but were assured we'd receive our due.



The next morning, when we still hadn't been spanked, I boasted to my older brother who then reminded my parents and they beat the snot out of us.

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 12:10 PM

When I was in 6th grade, the older girls I hung out with started waxing their eyebrows. I wanted to be like them, but my mother said I was too young. I don't deal well with not getting my way, so I asked my friends how the nice Korean women do it, thinking that I could do it myself. It sounded pretty simple. The next time I had art class in school I stole a tube of crazy glue and some fabric scraps. I went home, and since I had the house to myself until my parents got home I knew I wouldn't be interrupted. I went to my bathroom and carefully put the glue on my left eyebrow. I took a fabric scrap and smoothed it over the glue. Then I got up my nerve and pulled the cloth as hard as I could.



I felt like I had ripped my face off. I looked into the mirror to survey the damage. Most of my eyebrow was gone, and what was left was a patchy mess with bits of glue stuck in it. I was pretty sure I had Frosted up.



I iced my throbbing eye for a while. I knew that if my mother came home and saw me like this I was dead. I had to fix my eyebrow, and I figured a brown magic marker would do the trick. I carefully drew the eyebrow back on my face. I looked like the love child of Bozo the Clown and Zsa Zsa Gabor, but I was damn proud.



Of course my parents noticed the second they got home. Instead of screaming at me or grounding me, they punished me the best way possible. They took me out. We went out to dinner, to the mall, to all my favorite places. Everyone I knew got to see me looking like a complete ass.



I love my parents.

Queen_Ilikimikimaka 440 8
01/09/2006 03:43 PM

When I was about 5, I was totally obsessed with all things sexual. Therefore, I decided to create my own soap opera..on my dad's tape recorder. Bear in mind that these were complete with "steamy" make-out sessions, which I added sound effects for. Little did I know, this was the recorder my dad (head of vice in the police department's narcotics devision) used when he would go undercover. So, he goes to play back evidence for the department one day, and there's me, recorded, making sloppy kissing noises and moans. I was a cuddling perv.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/09/2006 03:47 PM

What the cuddle?

Walter Sobchest 203,475 12
01/09/2006 03:59 PM

Erika, I really wish the girls you hung out with in the 6th grade had started waxing their beavers, rather than their eye brows.



I loved the story as it is, but damn. That would have been the epitome of awesome.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/09/2006 04:02 PM

I just threw up all over my erection.

Mr. Sir. 66,727 9
01/09/2006 04:02 PM

It makes great lube.

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 04:03 PM

Sorry to disappoint you Ollie. We didn't start waxing down there til 9th grade.

Walter Sobchest 203,475 12
01/09/2006 04:10 PM

I mean, if it had been your beaver, and your parents had found out (your parents finding out would have been an awesome/horrible story as well), what would they have done to punish you?



Take you to your first pap-smear?

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 04:13 PM

I don't know. I can't take any of your questions seriously until you stop calling it a beaver.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/09/2006 04:14 PM

Canada's favorite animal!

Tittilicious 68,758 11
01/09/2006 04:14 PM

Fine, when did you start shaving your bearded clam?

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 04:16 PM

We're talking waxing, not shaving. Try to keep up.

Tittylicious 68,758 11
01/09/2006 04:17 PM

<action> reads the rest of thread </action>



Oh sorry, my bad.

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 04:17 PM

But, if my dad had found out I'd done that (and I really don't even wanna think about how he might found out) I'd probably still be clanking around in a steel chastity belt.

Tittylicious 68,758 11
01/09/2006 04:19 PM

Your uncle might have casually mentioned it.

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 04:20 PM

Hey! He's not technically my uncle if he's just one of my dad's friends.

Walter Sobchest 203,475 12
01/09/2006 04:21 PM

I can only imagine the story of your parents finding out.



I iced my throbbing beaver for a while. I knew that if my parents came home and saw me like this I was dead. I had to fix my beaver, and I figured a brown magic marker would do the trick. I carefully drew the beaver back on my vagina area. I looked like the love child of Bozo the Clown and Zsa Zsa Gabor, but I was damn proud.



My parents hadn't noticed when they got home. Later that night, dad came into my room looking for a midnight snack. Then he saw what had happened. Instead of screaming at me or grounding me, they punished me the best way possible. They took me out. We went out to dinner, to the mall, to all my favorite places. Everyone I knew got to see me looking like a complete ass.

Tittylicious 68,758 11
01/09/2006 04:21 PM

Hey! I like the cut of your jib.

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 04:22 PM

<action>vomits</action>

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/09/2006 04:23 PM

That was for Ollie. I only dry heave a little for you Cracka.

Fluorescent Sombrero 91,274 10
01/09/2006 04:25 PM

I cut my Jib with Ajax.



So thanks!

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
01/09/2006 04:25 PM

As the child of a single mother, I was constantly getting into trouble. Our basement, which I knew was haunted because it was dark, made funny noises and smelled musty, provided a plethora of things to play with. One was a bed with an iron headboard.



One day, my two cousins and I had tired of the swimming pool and decided to do the ultimate fun thing kids love to do when they don't have a trampoline...we decided to jump on the bed! I was about 5 or 6 years old.



Everything was perfect! We were in the basement where no one would see us or tell us not to enjoy ourselves as we frolicked and jumped on the pretend trampoline.



My cousin's sock came off and I slipped on it falling mouth first onto the iron headboard. My front teeth were lodged up into my gums. Aside from much crying, screaming, a horrible memory of laying in the dentist chair and having someone tell me to breathe through my nose, I don't remember anything. Surprisingly enough, I don't have any phobias about going to the dentist.

Tittylicious 68,758 11
01/09/2006 04:25 PM

Come to uncle Tittylicious.

48 7
01/16/2006 07:44 PM

My family has always been pretty inventive.

About five or six years ago, my cousin was watching my brother, my sister, and me. She got very confused at one point, because she could hear voices but couldn't figure out where the hell they were coming from (somewhere overhead apparently). She goes outside, looks up, and there on the roof is my brother- holding a garbage bag, and my sister, going "C'mon Dan, do it!"



She was trying to get him to jump off the roof, using the bag as a parachute.





I accidentally stepped off an eight feet high pool deck when I was eleven, landing on my back in a pit of gravel.





Also when I was eleven, I set my backpack on fire. While in school. When it was on my back. Without using matches, a lighter, or any other traditional method of heat.



When I was thirteen I pulled the cord to an iron out of the socket. The cord came out. The plug did not. Everyone in home-ec heard a huge "Pfzzt!" and saw me standing there with black fingers and wires in my hand.



I clipped a barrete to the cat's tail thinking it was just fur. Mom was the one that had to catch the frantic cat and pry it off. Hahaha, good times.



Oh! And lets not forget the time my best friend convinced me that if I took my bird outside, if he flew off my hand, he would immediatly fly back to me. Ten years and my favorite pet later- no dice.

jagster1991 102 7
01/16/2006 07:51 PM

I jumped off my roof with an umbrella hopping to do a marry poppins like thing into my pool but it didn't work and their was no water in the pool and I brok both my legs.

Millie 116,988 28
01/16/2006 07:54 PM

God forgive me, but I had to give you five orbs for that, especially if it really happened.



You really need to work on your grammar and spelling, though.

jagster1991 102 7
01/16/2006 08:01 PM

Sorry for that I was in a hurry my dog was eating my wallet.

Senior Destructor: (insert wit here) 60,724 12
01/16/2006 08:05 PM

Jagster, based off your name, and the common practice of kids using their birthyear in their screennames, I have to point out that there is the high possibility that you are 15, 16 tops, making your "stupid things I did as a child" into "stupid things I did three months ago."

Senior Destructor: (insert wit here) 60,724 12
01/16/2006 08:06 PM

Man, I'm cranky today.

Capt.SassyPants 172 7
01/16/2006 08:08 PM

A quick list...



My concept of sex as a child consisted of:



Women have vaginas, men have orgasms. I do not recall the origin of this information. I am still not ENTIRELY sure that this is faulty. However, I volunteered it at every possible opportunity.



I fell down a lot as a child. Running through the woods near my grandparents cabin in Idaho, I chased my cousin and fell 10 feet off of a small 'cliff' onto my head. My cousin describes the speech I used for about an hour after that as 'sound{ed} like James Brown'.



At about eight years old, I decided that I'd had enough of my father's abusive ways, and decided to take the new Mustang from the parking lot of the local grocery store and drive away to a new life...I managed to back into a moving car, then park the car in it's original space. I exited the car, escaped the lady chasing me, and literally vaulted over a shopping cart trying to escape...only to be caught by a clerk in the ice cream isle.

jagster1991 102 7
01/16/2006 08:09 PM

No it is my initials with ster at the end but it was used so I just put that in becuase that is when I graduated from high school.

Capt.SassyPants 172 7
01/16/2006 08:09 PM

At the age of 10, I ate an entire tub of Cool Whip. Since that day, to this day, I don't eat Cool Whip.



I was bickering with my younger sister over something...she clocked me. I wasn't able to deprive her of life before my mother came into the room and yelled, "DON'T YOU TOUCH HER!" She left me with a nice shiner over my eye. I went to school the next day and had to explain that my little sister had given me a black eye...I've never been too good at lying.



Once, while in grade school, I had a nice case o' the green apple two step. I repeatedly asked my teacher to let me go to the bathroom. She was a witch. Wart and all. It's the wart that leaves me convinced that she was a witch. It was right there on her chin. ANYWAY, I eventually gave up and took a big dump right there in my chair in class. Minutes later, as they emptied the classroom, a classmate of mine ran out of the room screaming '{Capt.SassyPants} crapped his pants! {Capt.SassyPants} crapped his pants!'



That's all I've got for now...and I'm sure you don't care anyway.



Cantankerous!

Senior Destructor: Senior Destructor 60,724 12
01/16/2006 08:10 PM

Ah. That would explain things.



It's been so long you've forgotten simple grammar.

McPants with the daylight in his eyes 19,555 11
01/16/2006 08:10 PM

<action>tips big gay cowboy hat</action>Man, I'm cranky today.



You're lookin' surly, hombre. Want to step behind that thar horse for a while?

Senior Destructor: Senior Destructor 60,724 12
01/16/2006 08:13 PM

Sorry, McPants. I found something with boobies last night. I'm pretty much cowboy'd out.

jagster1991 102 7
01/16/2006 08:14 PM

When I was seven me and my friend went to the park by my grandmothers to fish for koi in the pond there. He was across the pond from me and when he casted hte hook hit me in the head. The hook was stuck. My sister then came by and tried to pull it out with pliers. Ended with me in the hospital and 8 stitches in my head.

Nick Danger 123 8
01/16/2006 08:28 PM

When I was a tiny, heart-meltingly cute baby, I got chicken pox. In fact, I got them so bad that they had spread to the inside of my mouth, and my tongue, and throat, and I almost died.



Talk about a dumbass, eh?



Oh, and this one time, I was running up and down my WOODEN steps (something that only a child could find fun, I s'pose, since even WALKING up stairs these days pisses me off), and I tripped. By some unbelievable manipulation of physics, I managed to land on my eyeball. Like the wuss I was (and still am), I started crying.



My face started blackening around my eye pretty much almost immediately, and started swelling, as well, so my mom went to grab some ice, to help keep it down. However, we didnt HAVE any ice, so she did the next best thing. She made my younger brother run outside, and knock down an icicle from our snow covered, Michigan rooftop.



When it was all said and done, I had a massive shiner.



I was in first grade at the time, and I had school the next day. My teacher immediately noticed my hideously disfiguring black eye, but was considerate, and didnt draw attention to it (although you'd have to have been blind, to not see it).



When it was time to go to lunch though, she held me back, and let the rest of the kids leave. She took me aside, and asked me what had happened. I responded with the honest truth, and told her, lamely, that "I fell."



Little did I know, being a wee lad in first grade, that this is the excuse that anyone that has been abused and has a black eye uses. She asked me if I was sure that my parents hadnt done anything to hurt me, and that I was sure I had really fallen.



To this day, I'm sure she thinks my parents beat me.

jagster1991 102 7
01/16/2006 08:36 PM

When the movie a christmas story came out I mimiced the one kid by licking the flag pole when it snowed.



When I was running away from my sister as fast as a could after stealing her diary I ran straight through through our sliding screen door. My face stared bleeding in crossed lines. You can still little squares on my face from that day.

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/16/2006 08:53 PM

I posted this a while back, but this is a more appropriate thread I think.



My folks were taking us to Disneyland one summer, and living in San Francisco, and gas being 40 cents a gallon, it was a no brainer...we drove down.



My sister and I were in the back seat and she thought it was a real cool thing to stick Sugar Babies (small marble sized candies) in her nostril, plug the other one, and rocket them off her younger brother's head.



I was never the tattle tale type so after getting pelted a few times, I socked her right in the gut. Well it seems that when I did, she already had a round in the chamber, causing her to inhale and suck the Sugar Baby way up into her sinuses.



Within minutes she was balling away, and my dad was taking me for a walk along the side of Highway 5 so my mom could perform surgery with a crochet needle and disarm my sister without me laughing at her.



It's interesting how today, my sister has absolutely no recollection of that days events.

Big Boobs McGee 6,369 10
01/16/2006 09:58 PM

Wow. I am so impressed that the first thread I ever started has been this sucessful. I'd like to thank all teh dumbass kids, and the neglectful parents everywhere. Thank you.

rock hound 156 7
01/16/2006 10:15 PM

when i was 3 i took my poopy diaper and smeared it all over the wall....my dad said he had to paint the room to get the smell out of it.....yuck... I guess i was think i was picasso or maybe monet.

Senior Destructor: Senior Destructor 60,724 12
01/16/2006 10:24 PM

Painting the room to get the smell out wouldn't work. I think you're lying.

rock hound 156 7
01/16/2006 10:29 PM

and you've tried it ????



I'm sure my parents washed the wall's first .......DUMB ASS

Senior Destructor: Senior Destructor 60,724 12
01/16/2006 10:34 PM

No, I've just been around paint. It doesn't work that way.



They may have painted over it to get the color out, but not the smell.



But it's ok. You can continue to get defensive on the internet, since it proves so much.

Millie 116,988 28
01/16/2006 10:47 PM

The wall's first what?



Actually, I used to have a painting business. Oil-based paint would have probably sealed the smell, water-based may not have.



But they probably did waShakespeare before they re-painted.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
01/16/2006 11:08 PM

it didn't work and their was no water in the pool and I brok both my legs.



You really need to work on your grammar and spelling, though.



I think he really needs to work on his limping.

Phuc 237,919 21
01/17/2006 10:48 AM

I don't remember much about my childhood. I do remember that I learned the F word from the child of the drug dealers next door. I was looking out our window and he was looking out his. He just screamed "Frost you wee wee" and disappeared.



At 16, I rode in a Pinto without a seat belt. The top half of my face has had a bunch of plastic surgery from the inevitable accident. One more half-turn and I'd look like a fat version of Spawn, so I'm not complaing.



Also at 16 (it was a good year for me), I was visiting friends in NYC and I drank a 40, smoked a fatty, then some bitch dosed me with PCP. I remember jumping on the hood of a few cabs, screaming about getting laid. I came to at the bottom of a West Village stoop, in a puddle of my own peepee.



Another time, I mistook a four-way blotter for a single hit. I ate it and went to a party. The party went for two days, during which a bunch of us just kept eating these four-ways. When I finally came down the next day, I found that I had moved in with this girl. She looked just like "Newt" from "Aliens." I stayed there for a year.

KChikita - A great source of Potassium! 128,316 98
01/17/2006 11:52 AM

He just screamed "flap you wee wee" and disappeared.





Too much. Laughter. Stomach hurts.

KChikita - A great source of Potassium! 128,316 98
01/17/2006 12:01 PM

Once, around Christmas time, when my sister was 3, my mom was putting up the Christmas tree and couldn't find an extension cord. My sister, always helpful, said, "I know where one is!" and raced out of the room.



Thirty seconds later, we heard a huge "POP!" and the lights flashed. Mom raced through the house, looking for my sis, and found her sitting in the bathroom holding a pair of blackened scissors, and sitting in front of a space heater with a newly 'circumcised' electric cord. The electric shock burned two neat little grooves into the scissor blades in the exact shape of 2-wire electric cord. I think mom still has the scissors.

Queen_Ilikimikimaka 440 8
01/17/2006 11:30 PM

When I was in elementary school, I was playing in the jungle gym. It was a giant circular thing that had two bars on the ground level that were 6 feet off the ground and two that were 4 feet off the ground. Turns out I was a little over 4 feet high since while I was running away from my idiot friends, I smacked right into the 4 ft. bar and was out cold for about an hour. The moral of this story is: Most children are Frost-ing blind and stupid and shouldn't run or have friends.

Goddess of ... Something 161 8
01/18/2006 05:29 AM

- When I was like 6 or 7 I was always very good at sports, also I would race everybody I met at least once to prove to myself I'm faster. This was when I learned that 3 childs don't fit through one door. I was the one crashing into the wall.



- One week later after my head finally looked normal again, I slipped and managed to knock out nearly all of my babyteeth.



- Yesterday I was jogging in the park (yes I haven't learned my lesson yet) and some kid ran right in front of me, since I didn't want to run over the little Frost, I jumped over him and slipped. I then realized that the ground was frozen and really, really icy. I then slipped, fell on my back and slided right into a snowman some kids were doing. So the picture was this: I lay on the back, laughing my ass off with a snowman between my legs, because that just happened to be the way I stopped.



I hate sports.

Goddess of ... Something 161 8
01/18/2006 05:33 AM

Jesus, my english... Yes, children, yes many other things... I should really start reading my own posts before submitting them...

Neep: wants to shag Kate Mulgrew in a santa hat. 35,066 15
01/18/2006 06:21 AM

Oh, when I was just wee, I forgot to breath. A nurse had to remind me.

The Last Nacho On The Plate 57,521 23
01/18/2006 07:39 AM

My concept of sex as a child consisted of:



Women have vaginas, men have orgasms.



Sounds like you pretty much nailed it to me.

Sharribarri 14,124 11
01/18/2006 10:38 AM

When I was in 6th grade, I decided to cut my hair into a new style. The stylist being hip my sister, an 8th grader. I was known as "Boy" for all of 7th grade because it was that short. Well, what hair was left after the real stylist fixed it was that short.



That same year, i decided that I was growing up and needed to start plucking my eyebrows. I started on the left brow. When it was "done" it looked like it had been singed. The end closest to my nose was intact, but the rest was tweezed to a tiny line, one hair's width thick. It looked like a tadpole. That week, a friend decided we needed new nicknames. Indian style nicknames, I was half-brow. It was a painful year in my adolescent time-period.



My parents said nothing, about either incident.

Cmacker 5,303 10
01/18/2006 10:59 AM

When I was in second grade I got a two-inch splinter in my ass while sitting on my front porch. My mom couldn't get it out, so she took me to the doctor. He couldn't get it out either and said I should stay off of it for a couple days. For the next couple of days in school I had to either kneel or stand at my desk all day, and after that I had to bring in a pillow for a few days to sit on.



Luckily we were only seven and it made me "cool." Everyone else wanted to be cool and stand or kneel all day too. Thank God it wasn't high school.

CG-Version 2.0.06 86,932 12
01/18/2006 11:01 AM

Stand, sit, kneel.



Sounds like Roman Catholic Church.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
01/18/2006 11:02 AM

Stand, sit, kneel and get stuck in the ass.



Get it right CG.

Sharribarri 14,124 11
01/18/2006 11:05 AM

Sound about right for beginner calasthenics (sp?) for Ollie...

TacoCrunch 61,976 36
01/18/2006 07:58 PM

When I was running away from my sister as fast as a could after stealing her diary I ran straight through through our sliding screen door. My face stared bleeding in crossed lines. You can still little squares on my face from that day.



...I'm calling shenanigans on that one. There's no Frost-ing way, you'd have to be running about mach 1 to hit a screen door hard enough for the wires to even leave a mark, much less scars.

Gorky Thatcher- Outlaw Poet 41,132 13
01/18/2006 08:13 PM

When I was 5, I had a toy train that I liked to rub against my genitals.

lushkitty 0 7
01/19/2006 05:18 AM

I was in love with Corey Haim.

Huggiesdsc 167 7
11/01/2006 05:18 PM

I live in Arkansas, so two of my first toys I remember were a bb-bun and a bow/arrow set. Real bow and real arrows.



First came the bb-gun. I got pretty good at shooting it so I decided to upgrade from tin cans on a pile of bricks to pretty much anything in my yard that looked shootable. There was this big water pump thing and I kept shooting at it, but I never heard the ping, so I got real close, aimed, and shot. It ricocheted and lodged into my chin.



Next came the bow and arrows set. I got really good at this, almost dangerously good (I say almost, but really it should say lethally). Well I decided I had had that basketball that sat in my backyard for far too long by now, and that it needed to be put down. Rather than shoot it from afar, I just ran up to it and fired. The arrow ricocheted (I really don't even know how this worked) and flew back at me point first. The point lodged just below my eye, hard enough to stick in the skin but not hard enough to shatter the bone.



Neither time did I cry, and neither time did my parents know about it.

I'm the Taconaut, Bitch! 61,976 36
11/01/2006 05:19 PM

BullShakespeare.

Captain Skippy, sultry pirate. 41,253 13
11/01/2006 05:24 PM

indeed

dinesh 24,862 16
11/01/2006 05:48 PM

no, really. one time i shot JFK with a bow and arrow, and the arrow did similar things.

Darth Juansidious 7,400 0
11/01/2006 06:21 PM

I was living in England at the time, and the IRA were planting bombs all over the place to try and kill innocent people.



Maybe if the English hadn't been putting bombs in Ireland, the Irish wouldn't have had to put bombs in England.

Dont be an Anti-Shempite 22,222 17
11/01/2006 06:26 PM

I, like a lot of kids, was afraid of the dark.



Sometimes at night, I would stand at the storm door doorhttp://www.callstevens.com/images/harveydoorstyles.gif peering out at the dark.



I would get this feeling of hate for the dark. I would shove the storm door open and run out into the front yard.



Where I would fall to my knees and attack the dark shadow created by a large bush in front of the porch.



I would grab hands full of grass and dirt and toss it about while screaming, " I hate you dark, I hate you."



Then the feeling would leave me, Id get scared, and haul ass back into the house.







God I was a little wierdo.

Big Boobs of Candy 6,369 10
11/01/2006 06:27 PM

And that my friends, is how a GABber is born.

Dont be an Anti-Shempite 22,222 17
11/01/2006 06:47 PM

STFU And SUYT Boobs.

Sage of Seattle (Inherently Insouciant) 36,465 8
11/01/2006 06:49 PM

Huh?

Dont be an Anti-Shempite 22,222 17
11/01/2006 06:51 PM

Yeah I know Sage.



But,



I was hoping for some new faping material.

Erk the slayer 5 6
11/01/2006 07:38 PM

When I was ten I lived in the middle of the woods. Once, while riding my bike down a path, a squirrel happened to step in my path. It didn't stand a chance. I was a destructive little boy.

BillyBones 620 7
11/01/2006 07:53 PM

I used to get up early every saturday morning to watch cartoons as a child. My dad also taught me how to turn on the record player, so I could listen to my favorite Beatles songs. One day, they bought me a child's drum kit. The next Saturday morning I turned on the cartoons, turned up the Beatles, and played drums. At 6:00am. The drum kit disappeared the same day.

I'm the Taconaut, Bitch! 61,976 36
11/01/2006 07:55 PM

My dad also taught me how to turn on the record player, so I could listen to my favorite Beatles songs



Grandpa?

BillyBones 620 7
11/01/2006 08:05 PM

I almost ran over Whoopi Goldberg on 24th Street and didn't ask her to adopt me.

Green Shemp Casserole 22,222 17
11/01/2006 08:09 PM

so I could listen to my favorite Beatles songs





Heh, Im sitting here watching Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band movie.



Gotta love On-Demand.

Huggiesdsc 167 7
11/01/2006 08:11 PM

I so totally revived this thread... but no really, I played with weapons and fire as a little boy, we couldn't afford toys. I think my dad just gave me his left over huntin gear at times.

BillyBones 620 7
11/01/2006 09:25 PM

When I was six, I told a little girl the truth. Her father had committed suicide. I seem to remember that she cried a lot.

BillyBones 620 7
11/01/2006 09:31 PM

Yeah. She didn't find it very funny, either.

Queen Lucky Charms 171,275 14
11/01/2006 09:39 PM

After re-reading this thread, I have realized that I am the Queen of stupid child tricks.



KING ME!

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/02/2006 12:24 AM

The apartment complex I lived in before I moved north had dumpsters, just like every place else, only my step-brother and I decided that we'd climb in and hide, while he tried to light a broom on fire with a lighter he found. He did torch the damn thing, and promptly dropped it into the dumpster as we jumped out. The fire department was called for a dumpster fire and he got in trouble for being the one with the fire source. DipShakespeare still had it on him when we got caught.



About the same time, we were staying up late, had set up a fort in my bunkbeds, and were watching the t.v. edited version of Smokey and the Bandit on late night t.v. He snuck into my parent's bedroom, swiped a book of matches and proceded to burn paper, shaking them out and tossing them on the floor. This did not put the fire out, so I spent the next half hour putting out the still burning paper so it wouldn't leave scorch marks on the carpet. It left one, and we got in trouble, him more than I because he was doing the torching again, and I for not stopping him (still haven't figured that one out). This included a trip to the fire department to talk to a fire marshall.



When I was 9, my dad, step-brother and I were playing wiffleball, and dad was always the pitcher. He threw his pitch, which I, with great skill I might add, slammed a home run directly into his forehead.

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/02/2006 12:24 AM

When I was three or four, we had a doberman named Chewbacca. He drug me across a parking lot chasing some damn thing or another. The only time I had a problem with him.



I at one point had gotten one of those flimsy plastic skateboards from the seventies, y'know, those ones that were skinny, small and looked like a surfboard with wheels. I was about seven or so when I, having never learned to ride a skateboard properly, was riding along on my knees propelled by my hands, a la Eddie Murphy in Dirty Rotten ScoundrelShakespeare a patch of gravel and ended up face planting with some nice roadrash up my nose for a month or two.



Same apartment complex as the fire stories above, some older chicks were giving the neighborhood kids a ride on a scooter one of them owned, and I got permission to ride around with them. These chicks were hot and they sandwiched me on this scooter. I had a boner the whole time.



One of the chicks that babysat me in the complex was friends with my best friend's sister. We were all over at the babysitter's place one day, when my best friend's sister decided to tease us by going "I've got something to show you." and pulling her long shirt up so we would see her shorts. No cooch, no panties, no boobies. She goaded her brother into showing the band on his underwear (taboo at the time, did I mention they were black? But this was way before saggy was vogue), so I had to one up him, and whipped out my pecker. She ran out and told the girl babysitting me, and the baby sitter said I wouldn't get in trouble if I did it again for her. I didn't do it again, she told on me, I lied to my mother, and got in even more trouble for that one. Shoulda just whipped it out again.

Frogpop 173,153 25
11/02/2006 01:03 AM

Is saggy vogue now? Did I miss something?

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/02/2006 01:20 AM

No, but I have no doubt that once the ninetieShakespeare, they were some of the ones to go gangsta with their damn pants around their knees.

Frogpop 173,153 25
11/02/2006 01:31 AM

I see. I thought you were talking about their black body parts they were teasing you with.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
11/02/2006 02:33 AM

When I was 9 I shaved off my eyebrows.

Tucker Jolson 16,163 11
11/02/2006 09:15 AM

When I was about 5 I had a black, felt cowboy hat with a drawstring on it. One afternoon, when my mom was in the front-yard and my sister was over at a friend's house I wandered over to the kitchen faucet and filled my cowboy hat with water. Dissatisifed that it was truly not a 10 gallon hat I dumped the water out.



However, now my hat was completely wet on the inside, much like Trae's vagine, so I grabbed it by the string and spun it around over my head in the living room.



Thousands of tiny grey water droplets flew from the hat and spattered themselves against the white walls as a result of my helicoptor hat twirl leaving them stained from that day forward.

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
11/02/2006 09:24 AM

Maybe if the English hadn't been putting bombs in Ireland, the Irish wouldn't have had to put bombs in England.



Why go to all the hassle when it was so much easier for us to suppress their civil liberties and seal off a big chunk of their land?

The Sequined Love Nun 283 6
11/02/2006 10:46 AM

When my brother was born (I had just turned 2) and my parents brought him home for the first time, I allegedly raised my eyebrows, smirked and sarcastically muttered, "Nice baby.". When I woke up the next morning to discover that he was still there, I insisted that he be returned.



When my brother was very young, his favorite stuffed animal was a small, blue cat named Kitty. Whenever he got on my nerves, I told him that if he didn't leave me alone or didn't shut up I'd tell Kitty and Kitty would never, ever speak to him again. It worked every time. For years.



When was about 6 or 7, I thought I'd do my step-dad a favor and wash his mint Cadillac. I had no idea that a steel wool pad could do so much damage to paint.



When I was about 9 years old and my brother was 7, I dared him to pee in the bathroom sink. He was really hesitant until I assured him that he wouldn't get in trouble. As soon as he started to pee, I ran to our mom and told her what he was doing and said that I didn't know why he would do such a thing, he was disturbed and he needed therapy, etc. He got in a lot of trouble.

A few days later, I dared him to do the same thing in the same bathroom but this time on the carpet. Again, he only needed my assurance that I wouldn't tell on him. As soon as I heard the pee hit the carpet, I ran to our mom and told her what he was doing. Stupid kid.

The Sequined Love Nun 283 6
11/02/2006 10:49 AM

As a teenager, while playing a video game with my brother in his room, I put a glass of lemonade that I was drinking on a small table behind me. Without looking, I grabbed my drink and chugged what must have been half a glass of what I thought was my lemonade. I must have been caught up in the game because it took me a few seconds to realize that I grabbed the wrong glass. I just drank a glass of month-old milk. The part that wasn't solid, that is.

The Sequined Love Nun 283 6
11/02/2006 10:51 AM

I was about 12 years old and had just gotten permission to grow my nails long and to paint them. I broke part of a nail so my mother suggested that I use a tiny bit of Krazy Glue to fix the break. I had never used Krazy Glue before. I think my parents knew better than to let me get a hold of something so potentially harmful. The pin in the cap was glued stuck. With the tube in my left hand and the cap in my right, I pulled hard in an attempt to seperate them. After pulling and pulling and pulling, I managed to get the damned cap off but not without unleashing a large 'stripe' of Krazy Glue that went across my face and in my left eye. My gut reaction to getting the burning goo in my eye was to shut the eye. I ended up gluing my eye shut.



I was out with friends at a pizza place. At the time, I was developing a lactose intolerance but had no idea. The cheese was way too much for me to handle - I thought my stomach would explode at the restaurant, I was so sick. One of my friends' parents brought me home. I had to go to the bathroom right away but my parents weren't home to let me in and I couldn't find my house key though I searched every pocket. Needless to say, after I shat my brains out behind the bushes near the front door of my house and not caring who saw me as they drove by, I reached into my front pocket and found the key I had so desperately searched for.

Devinoski 10 6
11/02/2006 11:27 AM

When I was younger I pushed my tricycle up my neighbors driveway and then tried to ride down. I say tried because I did not understand at such a young age that rigid tricycle tires do not work well on gravel. About 3/4 of the way down my tricycle stopped but I didn't and I flew down the gravel sliding at high speed........on my face. I would have been fine if I wouldn't have stood up and hit my head on their mailbox, resulting in a concussion.

Pumpkin Noggin-suffering from sugar overload 56,642 8
11/02/2006 12:03 PM

Pushed my tricycle up to the top of the sliding board when I was about 2. Hopped on and rode down, thinking I was as cool as Evel Knievel with my "Cool trick riding".



Didn't realize at the time the slide end was a bit closer together at the bottom, so the back wheels got stuck and I went flying.



Guess that's how I got intrested in Mt. Biking. Just as good a rider now, come to think of it.

Green Shemp Casserole 22,222 17
11/02/2006 12:53 PM

One time when I was about 6, I was in my Dad's tool shed looking for things to get into.



I found a can of red spray paint, and a small hand axe.



I took them behind the house where no one could see me, put the can down on the ground and swung.



The can, of course, exploded, spraying red paint all over me and the back of our white house.

Dave's not thanking anyone, I earned my shit. 52,827 16
11/02/2006 12:59 PM

A friend and I were trying to cut open a chemical engine from a model rocket. The axe was a bad idea. A piece landed in my hair causing me to run around in circles for a few minutes beating at my own head. I looked very much like Elmer J. Fudd after he shoots himself in the face.



My friend just kind of looked at me and said, "Well, that was really stupid."

TK in the Straw 98,000 37
11/02/2006 01:07 PM

In this thread I said the following:



When I was a kid I saw an episode of Super Friends where some villains were making the earth inch closer to the sun. It was a two part episode, and the night after the first episode I had a vivid dream about it. When I woke up the next day, I got it confused in my head and was convinced that this was really happening. I spent most of the day depressed that everyone on the earth was going to die. When it finally dawned on me that this was not reality and was a plot on some cartoon, I felt really stupid and was glad I hadn't mentioned anything to my parents or friends.

Dave's not thanking anyone, I earned my shit. 52,827 16
11/02/2006 01:13 PM

AH-HA! Finally an explanation for global warming the Bush administration can embrace.

Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
11/02/2006 01:27 PM

I set a boyscout camp on fire when I was 13

Pumpkin Noggin-suffering from sugar overload 56,642 8
11/02/2006 01:30 PM

Practicing no doubt.

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/02/2006 02:12 PM

My step-brother and I had gotten ahold of our older buddie's bb rifle. There was an old truck cap behind the barn we played in at this guy's house, and it had normal glass windows. The conversation went something like,



"Let's shoot them."



"No."



"Sure, we can, they don't use this one anymore." Plink, plink, plink. He never has been too bright. Of course now he's a criminal in and out of jail lately.



We didn't get in trouble but my dad gives me grief about it to this day.

Green Shemp Casserole 22,222 17
11/02/2006 02:16 PM

Another time I was mad at my older brother and sister. So I cut my brothers guitar strings and glued all my sister's 45 albums together. Not one on top of the other either, I glued them together like a spiral staircase.

syncope 49,019 14
11/02/2006 02:23 PM

Speaking of BB guns...



My friend Scott, his douchebag friend Ryan, and I were shooting random things with BBs when we found a bullet, still in the shell casing.



We set it on a ledge, put a BB gun behind it, and fired.



*BLAM!* The bullet actually fires, and Ryan is screaming bloody murder. I look and he's grabbing his face. Blood is spewing everywhere.



We take him to Scott's house and Scott explains to his mom we were shooting cans and maybe a BB bounced back and hit him. I completely break down and confess that, in fact, we shot Ryan in the face with an actual Frost-ing bullet.



Turns out the jacket had riccocheted and cut his nose. He was fine. I still got Frost-ing grounded though.

Green Shemp Casserole 22,222 17
11/02/2006 03:38 PM

<Action> Is still waiting </Action>



some NEW faping material.

That filthy Iowan Aimless 54,807 10
11/02/2006 03:42 PM

You people are freaks.

TK in the Straw 98,000 37
11/02/2006 03:47 PM

This thread is just the tip, Aimless.

TorchAteTeen 3,239 8
11/02/2006 03:48 PM

I grew up in Minnesota. I used to get so cold waiting for the school bus, that I would sheit my pants just to keep my ass-cheeks warm.



I don't really think this was stupid...I was just cold.

Tucker Jolson 16,163 11
11/02/2006 04:08 PM

You people are freaks.



Says the dirty cowgirl.

Foxish Bob 44 6
05/06/2007 11:23 PM

Ahh, where to begin... I remember the time, around age 7, when I swung on a palm-tree frond (one of the good, 10-meter-tall palms with fronds almost as long) straight into the trunk of that same tree. Well done, me.
Better yet, the time I was playing at being an explorer... Back then, we had a big yard, full of various shrubberies, rockeries, and segments of log laid out like stepping stones. Now, as we all know, every explorer needs a walking stick with which to stride dramatically forth. Mine? An amputated car radio aerial. Not one of the hollow, aluminium ones, this was a good, heavy steel sort that must've come off a jeep. Or an M1A1 Abrams main battle tank. Anyway... In the process of striding forth, it plunged through my unshod foot, lodging firmly in the stepping log below. Much agony ensued, and I still carry the scar. Or walk on it, at least.
Added to which, in the process of building many model cars, tanks and the like in my youth, I superglued my fingers together, or at least almost cut them off with an Xacto, too many times to count...
I made for a brilliantly co-ordinated child.

BBM: Twisted Sister 6,369 10
05/07/2007 01:11 AM

This is my most successful thread!
I think that must be because we were all slightly retarded as children.


Sadly, we're still retarded now.

Jihad Joe: The Real Arabian Hero 6,067 8
05/07/2007 03:47 AM

Have you seen my baseball?

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/07/2007 04:04 AM

It's right here behind your ear.

Sakon 595 9
05/07/2007 04:05 AM

when I was about 5 or 6 my neighbor and I decided to throw his prostetic leg up at a wasp nest. Of course the wasps didn't care for that too much and ended up chasing us around his house several times (yes, he did manage to grab his leg in time) Finally my neighbor ran into his house and shutting me out saying, "hide in your own house!" There are so many more memories, but this one came in mind first.

Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/07/2007 04:44 AM

When I was five, my mother told me not to put my hands on the toaster after toasts just came out cuz it would burn me.

One morning, as my mother turned around to butter the toasts, I stuck my tongue on the toaster, not wanting to hurt my hands...

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/07/2007 05:13 AM

When I was 45 or 46, I came out of the bar with some buddies and they dared me to try and jump the Jeep from the parking lot onto the street below it.

My car exploded and we were all killed.

Dave 52,827 16
05/07/2007 04:39 PM

I used a splitting maul on a model rocket engine - there was a bright flash and then I was running in circles beating at my head. My best friend described it as Elmer Fudd after he accidentally shoots himself in the face.

But the look on my mother's face when I waked in with soot on my face and my hair still smoking made it worth it.

i also shaved off my eyebrows once.

Marjod 1,942 9
05/07/2007 05:10 PM

I once found something laying about on the street and started throwing it wildly at the ground.

After a few tries, something finally happened: a loud "popping" sound.

It was at that point when I discovered what a bullet looked like.

Phuc 237,919 21
05/07/2007 07:44 PM

Me and my brother used to play with bullets and blanks. Living in almost-rural NJ, that Shakespeare was easier to get than candy.

We'd pry them open to get at the sweet, sweet gunpowder, then we'd do things like make flashbombs that we'd throw at hornet's nests.

Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
05/07/2007 08:37 PM

back then it was safer for me to do those sorts of things.....




That are now trumped by the current things that I do on stage for money.

Robin® 14,626 10
05/07/2007 08:39 PM

I taught some of my friends how to masturbate.

That's What She Said 27,416 24
05/07/2007 08:40 PM

Ate pee?

Just Plain Straw 98,000 37
05/07/2007 08:41 PM

Oh man, I did some crazy Shakespeare. I would ride in the front passenger seat of the car. Without a seatbelt! Or if I was in the back on long trips, I'd lay down and go to sleep. No lie. There were also times when I'd sit in the back of my dad's pickup truck. Can you imagine?

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/07/2007 08:44 PM

I taught some of my friends how to masturbate.

Visual aids are needed. Or did you "show them" by doing it for them?

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/07/2007 08:56 PM

one I'd forgotten about until recently....
We used to live in BFE just outside the Quad Cities (Sarah knows of where I speak) and we had these horses that lived up the hill that would come down (after escaping) to eat the grass in the fields behind us.
Apparently some hippies owned the place before we did, and they'd planted a LOT of stuff in back (most of it wasn't exactly leagal).
My sis and I would climb up the swing set, coax the horses over with carrots, then hop on them.
They, being stoned and startled, would bolt back up the hill to their barn with us on their backs.

No saddle, no reins...just us hanging on for dear life (often by their tails) as they hoofed it up at full speed back home.

Lots of Bacctine used when I was younger.

Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/08/2007 03:17 AM

When I was ten, I went to a private school, and all six floors of the school had one of the boys' and girls' washrooms complemented with shower stalls.

Some of my friends and I noticed that one of the floors, in the changing room next to the showers of the boys' room, a hook was protuding from the ceilng. You know these hooks you screw in to hold, say, a flower pot?

We had this brilliant idea to clamber up the lockers, knot two knotted towels to the hook and swing Tarzan-like across the place, bouncing off everyone and everything in the way.

We had our fun for about ten minutes, then my turn came again. I took this wild lunge and gripped the towels, started swinging up in the air, heard this heart-stopping ripping noise as the hook finally dislodged from the ceiling under the weight, and flew towards the ceramic wall, chin first...



I woke up in the hospital with a splitting headache and five stitches under my chin, and had to stay there for 24 hours because of the concussion. When I came out of the hospital, I got to see the white turtleneck I was wearing at the time: the whole front was crimsom, including the sleeves. Luckily I was passed out when it occured, else I think I would've barfed all over myself to top it off.

jxn sally 131 6
06/03/2008 01:15 AM

more more

Cinderblock 27,578 25
06/03/2008 01:26 AM

Question mark?

Hamish MacChickens 286,539 61
06/03/2008 02:19 AM

What's cool about old threads is rolling through them to see what bit if childhood flotsam you admitted to two or ten years ago, seeing as how I can't remember what I have and haven't told you people.

I haven't mentioned the midget hooker with the wooden leg, have I?

Midgets 96,092 48
06/03/2008 02:36 AM

Don't listen to him, he's drunk, also, my leg's not wooden, it was just sore and stiff that day.

I do love pudding pops 1,379 9
06/03/2008 03:15 AM

Well, my brother was the only one in my family whose stories my parents remember for some reason..

My brother Bobby was very determined as a baby. We were at a public pool one day, and my brother, never having set foot into water deeper than his bath water decided to jump in. My parents, of course, panicked and my Dad immediately jumped in with his clothes on and everything to save him.

When he was retrieved, my parents spoke in great relief and emotion about the incident.

Meanwhile, Little Bobby decided to jump in.


Repeat story.

My parents were never the most observant people..

Snappahed 943 8
06/03/2008 03:54 AM

I messed up one day and got into a bit of trouble with my old man. I was only around four or five at the time and was caught red handed doing something he'd expressly told me not to do. I ran inside and sat on the couch as if nothing was wrong, then blatantly lied to his face. He went to slap me on the leg, but I moved. I looked up and said "Ha-ha, you missed!"

Yeah the next one was a bit more measured.

Bill the Squirrel from the future 53,270 54
06/03/2008 09:59 AM

As a child of 4 or 5 I was chasing one of my toys. It rolled under the railing of the balcony. I followed it off the balcony(I think I caught the toy on the way down) Apparently I landed on my head, and had to have experimental brain surgery(well it was experimental in 1972). I say apperently because, I don't remember most of the following two years. From the story though, the day after I got out my mom and I were at the laundry mat. I ran full speed under one of those changing tables, smashed into it, and broke all my stitches. The floor was covered in blood. So back to the hospital we went. I was a clumsy kid.

I tell you this not for orbs but for the jokes that will follow.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
06/03/2008 10:24 AM

Way to take one for the team.

DemoMonkeys Heart is a Scorpion in Lucite. 166,252 10
06/03/2008 10:33 AM

"Stupid things you did as a child."

Grew up.

The Magnificently Fantastic Ravos 63,472 21
06/03/2008 10:49 AM

In kindergarden, all these kids were doing this magic trick where you put construction paper into one ear, and pull it out the other. I tried with a small ball, and it never came out the other end.

Grade 5 I had hearing problems. Turns out the orange construction paper was still stuck in my ear. They removed it, and I was fine.

The Squirrel Master 53,270 54
06/03/2008 10:56 AM

When my sister was four, she stuck a crayon up her nose. It was so far up my mom had to take her to the doctor to get it out.

Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
06/03/2008 04:20 PM

The most memorable was pretending to drive our families white ford van. I was 6, my sister was 7. She was standing on a cinder block by the open door. I released the brake and started rolling down the driveway. She promptly fell on the ground and watched as I rolled towards traffic.

I managed to NOT get sideswiped, rolled across the street and into one of those big green power transformer boxes.

At the time the "have you driven a ford lately?" ad campaign was in full swing. The joke in the house was that "Andrew has!"

TopHatSnake 3,419 10
02/23/2010 06:14 PM

bump in tribute to sheer awesomeness!

Duke Ravos IV 63,472 21
02/23/2010 10:05 PM

So why is this thread here twice?

Fratberry 283,018 53
02/23/2010 10:11 PM

Because that's just how awesome it is!!!11

Duke Ravos IV 63,472 21
02/23/2010 10:14 PM

Lobster did her step dad. I guess that was pretty stupid in retrospect.

Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,976 36
02/23/2010 11:52 PM

If I post in one copy, does it show up in the other?

Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,976 36
02/23/2010 11:53 PM

HOLY ShakespeareBALLS. I AM GOD.

Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,976 36
02/24/2010 12:02 AM

Goddamn it Analog.

Analog 9,608 19
02/24/2010 12:10 AM

Well, you got to be god for a little while at least.

Taco Crunch: it's got electrolytes 61,976 36 sighs
02/24/2010 12:14 AM

Why must you be the screen door on my submarine?

Analog 9,608 19
02/24/2010 12:33 AM

You mean like on the bottom of the sub that gives you the great view, easy access in and out of the water but never lets any of the water in??

Melancholia 772 9
02/24/2010 09:13 PM

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Pants 14,252 17
02/25/2010 10:08 AM

One winter while the car was warming up, my mother was buckling me in and the phone rang. So she leaves me in the car port and goes to answer the phone in the kitchen. As she's talking on the phone with my father, she sees the car go by the window with me standing on the front seat driving. My mother immediately drops the phone and takes off after the car. Right as she's about to grab a hold of the door handle I steer the car into the largest tree in our back yard effectively destroying the radiator.

I was about 4 at the time and don't remember pulling on the column to get it into gear but I do remember driving it into the tree. The trip was great with the exception of the sudden stop at the end.

High Priestess sayth: GEAUX SAINTS! 58,948 29
02/25/2010 11:15 AM

I have enjoyed this thread, mainly at your pain and suffering. I also thought I had nothing to add, being a perfect child. Then I remembered Bumper Boxes.

There was an appliance store a few blocks from my childhood home. They always had the best cardboard boxes in their dumpster, washer boxes, dryer boxes and the greatest of them all; refrigerator boxes. We (my sister and some friends) would gather this bounty and drag them home. We painted and decorated them. Masterpieces of the front lawn. Then, we put them over our bodies and rammed into each other has hard as possible. Just like bumper cars. The point was to have the least damaged box. Points were given if you rammed someone to the ground, and points were taken if you fell. If you felled your opponent, you could them jump on top if them, pile driver style. Nothing but cardboard protected us from sharp cardboard corners. Eventually we thought of cutting squares in the boxes so we could see each other and aim better.

At the time, this was the most awesome game in the world. Now that I think about it, the neighbors must have thought that my parents were raising a bunch of retards.

ThirstyMcSurly, Zombie MD 4,444 12
02/25/2010 11:36 AM

My Cousin.

She told me it was normal to practice and that it didn't count, at least not to god.