SHP : ALOG cofounder 181,795 70
01/10/2006 09:26 AM

Where do you learn to make ice cream?

Sundae School



If you can't wait for your next birthday, make spaghetti. Know why?

To pasta time





What do I win?

Ditdah 123,110 14
01/10/2006 09:33 AM

Two green beans are walking down the street. A truck comes along and runs over one - squishes him flat.



The other one pulls out his cell phone [hey - if you believe they can walk down the street, why not a phone?] and calls 911.



They rush him to the hospital and work on him for hours, while the first green bean paces in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor comes out.



"So, Doc, how is he?"



"Well, I have good news and I have bad news."



With a sigh, the green bean says, "Ok, give me the good news."



"We were able to save your friend. He's going to make it"



"That's wonderful! Thank God! But....what's the bad news?"



The doctor takes a deep breath and says, "I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

Crackalacka 68,758 11
01/10/2006 09:45 AM

Why don't tigers eat clowns?







They taste funny.

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/10/2006 09:49 AM

A dog went to a Western Union office to send a telegram, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make absolutely no sense at all."

Mr. Sir. 66,727 9
01/10/2006 09:52 AM

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned.

She asks the clerk, "How much?"

He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?"

She giggles and says "No...it's just mustard."

Spoiled Rotten Chance 171,275 14
01/10/2006 09:53 AM

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?



A purple Crayon.

Crackalacka 68,758 11
01/10/2006 09:55 AM

How many Freudian patients does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis. I MEAN LADDER! I MEAN LADDER!!

Gorky Thatcher- Outlaw Poet 41,132 13
01/10/2006 09:56 AM

Damn you, Chance- I was gonna be the first to post a bad joke.



Now I have to go find a Reader's Digest or Playboy like everyone else did.

Ditdah 123,110 14
01/10/2006 09:58 AM

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck.



The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy! You can come in here... but don't start anything!"

Ditdah 123,110 14
01/10/2006 09:59 AM

I'll have you know, 80% of the bad jokes I tell come from my stepfather. The other 20% come from my father.

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/10/2006 09:59 AM

A woman told her husband she had a dream last night where they were auctioning off male parts. She told him, "The small ones were going for $10, and the big ones were $100."



Her husband asked, "How much were they selling parts like mine for ?"

She replied, "They were giving them away."



The husband said, "Well I had a dream last night too where they were auctioning off female parts. The big ones were $10, and the small ones were $100."



The wife asked, "What about parts like mine ?"



The husband responded, "That's where they were holding the auction."

CG-Version 2.0.06 86,932 12
01/10/2006 10:00 AM

What do you get when you stand a blond on her head?





A brunette with bad breath.

The Mailman ate too much gingerbread 176,450 56
01/10/2006 10:04 AM

Q: Why is there a post-it note on the blonde's bed that says "T.G.I.F" ?



A: "Toes Go In First".

The Punisher 68,758 11
01/10/2006 10:06 AM

How is a blond like a turtle?



Once they're on their back, they're screwed.

DŸCE - for some reason my foot is in a toilet 916 8
01/10/2006 10:08 AM

An old married couple are walking in the park when they happen upon a wishing well. There is a sign on the well that says "if you spit in this well and make a wiShakespeare will come true".



So the man of the old couple leans over the edge and spits in the well, looks at his wife, waits a second and says "guess it doesn't work, you try."



So the old woman walks to the edge leans over to spit but leans too far, falls in and dies and the old man yells "Hot damn it works!"

SweetBritches and MiniBritches 3,351 8
01/10/2006 10:16 AM

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?







Gggggg...gggg....gagggggg...

CG-Version 2.0.06 86,932 12
01/10/2006 10:17 AM

So there were two muffins sitting in an oven.



One turns to the other and says "Gee it's hot in here."



The other muffin turns to the first and says



"Holy Shakespeare! A talking muffin!"

SweetBritches and MiniBritches 3,351 8
01/10/2006 10:17 AM

Yeah, it's not really the same if you can't tell the joke, you know, with real gagging sounds....

CG-Version 2.0.06 86,932 12
01/10/2006 10:17 AM

Did you hear that some actress got stabbed.......?

Mr. Sir. 66,727 9
01/10/2006 10:19 AM

With her knife?

The Punisher 68,758 11
01/10/2006 10:24 AM

Whats red, and has 7 dents in it.





Snow Whites cherry.

CG-Version 2.0.06 86,932 12
01/10/2006 10:29 AM

How do you impregnate an Italian girl?









Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Mofo - Eating Babies Since '04 10,950 10
01/10/2006 10:31 AM

The Department of Homeland Security

Erika - Chuck Norris's abandoned daughter 76,152 9
01/10/2006 10:33 AM

How do you impregnate an Italian girl?









Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.







Dead. To. Me.

The Punisher 68,758 11
01/10/2006 10:33 AM

How do you have sex with Chris Garett's daughter?





Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

Mr. Sir. 66,727 9
01/10/2006 10:34 AM

How do you have sex with Chris Garett's daughter?



Well, first you got to wait for him to roll off of her...

CG-Version 2.0.06 86,932 12
01/10/2006 10:47 AM

Why don't Italian women have freckles?





They slide off.







Why do Italian men have mustaches?





So they can look like their mothers.





Why are all Italian men named "Tony?"





Because when they were being shipped over, their mothers wrote "TO NY" on their foreheads.

Crackalacka! 68,758 11
01/10/2006 10:56 AM

How do you circumcize a redneck?



Kick his sister in the chin.

Feckoff 2,552 9
01/10/2006 10:57 AM

A guy and a girl waiting at a bus stop start talking to each other.



girl: "So, do you have any pets?"



guy: "Well, I do keep bees"



girl: "Really? How Many?"



guy: "Oh, a couple of thousand"



girl: "Wow. You must live out in the countryside then"



guy: "Oh no, I've got an apartment in the city"



girl: "In the city? Where do you keep the bees?"



guy: "In a shoebox in my closet"



girl: "You keep a couple of thousand bees in a shoebox?.

That's terrible. They'll all die"



guy: "Frost 'em. I hate bees."

This year, I resolve to be more Briham 38,843 10
01/10/2006 11:59 AM

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?





Their last big hit was the wall.

Walter Sobchest 203,475 12
01/10/2006 12:32 PM

How come it takes 4 pollocks to change a light bulb?



Cause they're so durn stupid!

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
01/10/2006 08:56 PM

Why do Italians wear gold chains?





So they know where to stop shaving.

Pants 14,252 17
01/10/2006 09:11 PM

Two condoms are board as hell walking down the street desperately trying to find something to pass the time. As they walk past a gay bar one the condoms stops and says to the other "Hey, you wanna go get Shakespeare faced?"

Pants 14,252 17
01/10/2006 09:13 PM

*bored







Frost

MegaZega93 129 8
01/10/2006 09:46 PM

A snail goes into a car dealership. She asks the sales man if they sell red convertibles. The salesman answers, "Yes. But do you have a proper license, and the money to pay for the car?" The snail replies, "Yes, I've got both. The thing is, I'll only buy the car on one condition. You have to paint a big 'S' on both sides of the car." The salesman thinks about that for a moment. It seems odd to him, but it isn't every day that he sells an expensive convertible, so he agrees.



A few weeks later, the car is all ready and the salesman calls the snail to tell her she can come pick it up. The snail is really pleased with her car and thanks the salesman. The salesman is still wondering about the reason for the big 'S' on the car and asks, "So why did you want an 'S' painted on the sides of the car?" The snail replied, "When I drive by, I want everyone to say, 'Look at that S car go!'"

MegaZega93 129 8
01/10/2006 09:50 PM

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,

where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "5,000 for a male brain, and only 200 for a female brain."



The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,

avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,



"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the

price of the female brains, because they've actually been used!"

Humphrey B - Procrastinator Extraordinaire. 51,764 12
01/11/2006 01:17 AM

Q: How do you know when a Chinese person has robbed your house?





A: When you get home, your laundry's been done, you're computer's been upgraded and the Froster is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/11/2006 01:28 AM

A woman in her sixties was at home jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight when her husband got home. Hearing odd noises he heads straight upstairs to investigate. When he gets to the bedroom he stops and watches her carry on for a moment before asking, "Have you any idea just how ridiculous you look ? What the hell has gotten into you ?"



The woman laughs between breaths while bouncing and says, "I could care less !" (bounce) "I just got back from having a mammogram, (bounce) and the doctor says that I have the breasts of an 20 year-old." (bounce) Woo-Hoo !



The husband sighs and turns to walk back downstairs shaking his head, and as he exits the room he mutters, "Huh... yeah, well what did he have to say about that sixty year old ass of yours ?"



From the bedroom he hears his wife respond, "You know, your name never even came up !"

Millie 116,988 28
01/11/2006 01:56 AM

A guy comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen making dinner. He goes into the bedroom to change his clothes and notices a dollar on the bedside table.



He goes in the kitchen and asks his wife, "Why is there a dollar in the bedroom?"



She answers, "Oh, the mailman must have forgotten it there earlier."



Confused, he asks, "Why was the mailman in the bedroom?"



She says, "Don't you remember our conversation this morning? I asked you what I should give the mailman for a Christmas tip and you said, 'Frost him--give him a dollar.'"

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/11/2006 11:34 AM

I actually like this one, but just remembered hearing it the other day and have not shared it since.





A guy gets a new job on Thursday and works Friday, but on Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."



The boss is concerned so he asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of three men. I'd sure hate to lose him."



So on Tuesday the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem ? Anything we can help you with ? Drugs ? Alcohol ?"



The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm Frost-ing her."



The boss says, "You Frost your sister ?"



The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was Frost-ing sick."

MegaZega93 129 8
01/13/2006 11:42 PM

Bill was a good man, a man of faith, honour, integrity. However, Bill had recently come down with a terrible illness. Though the doctor's believed he would pull through, they couldn't say with any degree of certainty.



Understanding this, Bill requested the local priest came down and said a prayer for him. The priest agreed almost instantly and headed down to the hospital where Bill was located.



Half way through a loving prayer, the priest notices Bill flapping his arms around and signalling for a pen and paper. Reaching across to the bedside table, the priest handed Bill a small pad and blue pen.



Bill hastily scribbled something on the paper and handed it to the priest, however, before the priest could open the note, Bill sadly passed away.



A week later, the funeral for Bill was had. A large crowd had come to the funeral, and, being the only one in the room when Bill died, the priest felt it was his duty to be the first to speak about Bill.



Getting up, he approached the lectern and began his speech.



"Bill was a man of faith, he was cherished by all, had no true enemies, a loving husband, a caring father. He will be truely missed."



Realising he still had the note in his pocket, the priest pulled out the small piece of paper.



"Before he died, Bill handed this to me. I haven't had a chance to read it personally, but knowing Bill, his final words will be those of wisdom, so I shall share them here...



...



...



...



Help! You're kneeling on my oxygen tube!"

gwallaia 3,510 12
01/13/2006 11:56 PM

A Rabbi, a Mexican and a Transvestite walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What the hell is this, some kind of a joke?"

Harvard Chick 16,937 8
01/14/2006 12:04 AM

Prom Night at Redneck High School



"Hello brother!"



"Hey sis."



"I gotta question."



"Shoot sis."



"Will you go to prom with me?"



"Eww, no, your my sister!", said the brother.



"So.", she replied.



"Well ok."



So they go to the prom and the sister says, "Will you hug me?"



The brother says, "Eww, not in front of everyone!"



"Please, please, please." says the sis.



"Ok."



Then, on the way home, the sister asks him to kiss her. He refuses but she persists and he eventually gives in.



When they are in the car she asks him, "Will you Frost me right here in this car? It's prom and I wanna get laid!"



"God no!", he replies.



She persist and he gives in.



He's on top of her, Frost-ing his own sister when she says, "Wow! Your alot heavier than Dad."



And he says, "Yeah I know, Mom told me!"

Serendipitous Snork 45,655 12
01/14/2006 07:37 AM

...the Aristocrats!

Serendipitous Snork 45,655 12
01/14/2006 07:47 AM

- Gran'ma! Gran'ma! Where's the airplane going?

- Getting a beer, probably...

- Gran'ma! What's the car doin, huh Gran'ma?

- It's full of beer and it's going to the beer store...

- Granny! Granny! Why do all of them have beer, huh, Granny!?

- Because I'm hung-over.

Serendipitous Snork 45,655 12
01/14/2006 07:50 AM

Why is it that, at the end of the money, there's always so much month left?

Serendipitous Snork 45,655 12
01/14/2006 08:10 AM

JUNGLE (Reuters)- A new species of chameleon was found today, with 65000 colors and polyphonic melodies.

Serendipitous Snork 45,655 12
01/14/2006 08:24 AM

Q: What do you get when you cross Keanu Reaves with Hitler?



A: A Neo-Nazi!

Serendipitous Snork 45,655 12
01/14/2006 08:30 AM

Q: How do hedgehogs mate?



A: Very, very carefully.

Serendipitous Snork 45,655 12
01/14/2006 08:39 AM

I'll stop now.

gwallaia 3,510 12
01/14/2006 10:26 AM

Boudreaux knocks on Thibodeaux's door.



Boudreaux: Hey Thibodeaux, I've got some bad news and some good news.



Thibodeaux: What's the bad news?



Boudreaux: We found your wife dead this morning, she was floating the bayou.



Thibodeux: OH MY GOD! What could the good news possibly be?



Boudreaux: The good news is she had a dozen blue crabs on her so we're gonna run her again tonight.

Harvard Chick 16,937 8
01/14/2006 11:23 AM

A 20-year-old blonde bombshell decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 85-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.



The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the 65 year age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.



When he emerged, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"



The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

Harvard Chick 16,937 8
01/14/2006 11:30 AM

Bobbitt Hillbilly Song



(Sung to the tune from 'Beverly Hillbillies')



Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.

A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone

It seems one night after getting with the wife

She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.



Penis, that is.

Clean cut.

Missed his nuts.



Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side

And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend

And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend



Curve, that is

Tossed the nub.

In the shrub.



She went to the cops and confessed to the attack

And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"

To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.



Found, that is

By a fence.

Evidence.



Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long

So a dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong!"

A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need

And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed



Whizzed, that is

Even seam,

Straight stream



Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court

With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape

And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape



Video, that is

Unexposed.

Case closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear....

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/14/2006 11:43 AM

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something purely amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.



"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.



The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.



"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could have made a fortune off that frog."



"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

MaddMatt - Steely Eyed Warrior/Poet 15,437 9
01/14/2006 11:54 AM

That settles it.



My kids go to Yale.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
01/14/2006 01:30 PM

Two married women are talking one afternoon.



"Why do you look so depressed?"



"My husband just called. He's coming home early."



"So?"



"Well, that means he'll be bringing a dozen roses and I'll spend the rest of the evening with my legs in the air."



"You don't own a vase?"

Gorky Thatcher- Outlaw Poet 41,132 13
01/14/2006 01:38 PM

What's large, grey and doesn't matter?



An irrelephnat!

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
01/14/2006 01:41 PM

What's large, grey and can't spell fer Shakespeare?

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/14/2006 01:46 PM

An L.A. Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Ducks fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Ducks fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Ducks fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Wayne.



The teacher looks at Wayne and says, "Wayne, you're not a Ducks fan?" He says, "Nope, I'm a Sharks fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sharks fan and not a Ducks fan?"



Wayne says, "Well, my mom is a Sharks fan, and my dad is a Sharks fan, so I'm a Sharks fan."



The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"



Wayne says, "Then I'd be a Ducks fan!"

gwallaia 3,510 12
01/14/2006 02:00 PM

A man walks into an ice cream parlor and says,"I'll have a scoop of chocolate and a scoop of vanilla in a cone please"



"I'm sorry sir, we are all out of chocolate, you'll have to make another selection." replies the guy behind the counter.



"No problem, then let me have a scoop of chocolate and a scoop of strawberry in a cone."



"No, no sir. We are out of chocolate, we have none left."



"I'm sorry, in that case, give me a scoop of chocolate and a scoop of peppermint in a cone."



"Damnit sir, there's a line forming behind you, let me help you understand. How do you spell the van in vanilla?"



"Huh, V. A. N."



"That's right, now spell the straw in strawberry."



"S. T. R. A. W."



"Good, now spell the pep in peppermint."



"That's easy, P. E. P."



"Now, spell the Frost in chocolate."



The man scratched his head and says, "Hey, there's no Frost in chocolate."



"That's damn right, now get the hell out of here."



(The word breed takes a bit of the sting out of this one."

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
01/14/2006 02:11 PM

Without swear-bot, your post is meaningless.

Chit Eating Grin 178,781 15
01/14/2006 04:29 PM

So a big fat guy rolls out of the shower at the YMCA, and a friend sees him and asks,

"How Frost-ing long has it been since you have seen your dick ?"



The portly gentleman replies, "It's been a long Frost-ing time !"



The friend says to him, "Why dont you diet ?"



To which the fat guys asks, "Why...what color is it now ?"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock 48 7
01/16/2006 09:32 PM

So, Rene Descartes stumbles into a bar drunk off his ass. Descartes looks at the bartender and demands a beer.

The bartender (seeing that the man is clearly pissed) says "Sir, you are drunk!"

Descartes shouts "I think NOT!"



And **poof** he disappears.











Don't eat me, I'm new

rock hound 156 7
01/16/2006 09:50 PM

The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer



A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.



This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.



In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.



In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.



That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

Piquantrax - Naked Underneath His Clothes 8,691 9
01/17/2006 09:24 AM

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are at a bar.

The brunette says "I'm a horrible mother, I found beer under my daughter's bed, I had no idea she drinks."



The redhead says "I'm a terrible mother, I found cigarettes under my daughter's bed, I had no idea she smokes."



The blonde says "I'm a very bad mother, I found condoms under my daughters bed, I had no idea she has a penis."

Taco: the Lord of the Crunch 61,976 36
05/03/2006 07:16 PM

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".



The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".



The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."



The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."



So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".



So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.



He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.



The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.



The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!!

Taco: the Lord of the Crunch 61,976 36
05/03/2006 07:24 PM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.



For the last test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"



The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

I'll take a Molotov cocktail, please... 30,601 8
05/03/2006 07:28 PM

A guy walks into a bar w/a dog.



Bartender says, "Hey buddy, no dogs in the bar!"



The man goes, "But you see Mister, hes a talking dog."



So the bartender goes, "Yeah? Prove it."



The man says, "Ok Fido, whats on top of a house?"



The dog answers, "Roof."



Then the man asks, "What does sandpaper feel like?"



The dog answers, "Rough."



Then the man says, "Ok Fido, who is the greatest ballplayer that ever lived?"



The dog says, "Ruth."





The bartender is furious and picks the man and dog up and throws them out in the alley.



The dog turns to the man and says, "Dimaggio??"

I'll take a Molotov cocktail, please... 30,601 8
05/03/2006 07:49 PM

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a .... hey, wanna go bike-ridin'???

Patrojandoll 3,467 8
05/03/2006 08:16 PM

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."



The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."



The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this wonderful woman truly happy."



The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Sage of Seattle (Relentlessly convivial) 36,465 8
05/03/2006 10:00 PM

A man gets his penis severed in a horrific industrial accident.



He goes to the doctor and they say that they would be able to sew a new penis back on him. The surgeons show him a six inch pecker and he asks, "that's good, but do you happen to have one a bit longer?" So the docs bring out this ten inch penis and shows it to him. He says, "Yeah, that's really better. But do you happen to have a longer one?"



The docs sigh and soon they come back with a twelve inch penis. The man then says, "Yeah! That's perfect! Now, do you happen to have one in white?"

Sage of Seattle (Relentlessly convivial) 36,465 8
05/03/2006 10:13 PM

A man happens to get his penis severed in a horrific industrial accident.



He goes to the hospital and the surgeons there are experimenting with new surgical procedures in cases such as this, so they end up attaching tissue from an elephant's trunk to his nether-regions. The operation seems to be successful, and the man goes home to his wife.



But he's embarrassed about what had happened, so he decides not to tell her. He gets home and dinner is already waiting on the table for him. His wife has made his favorite dishes -- roast beef with fresh cole slaw, hot-out-of-the-oven dinner rolls, a nice chardonnay and an apple pie for dessert.



He loads up his plate as they discuss the other, mundane things that happened that day. Suddenly, his penis reaches up out of his trousers and grabs one of the dinner rolls off of his plate and disappears underneath the table again.



He jumps, startled. She didn't seem to notice what had happened, so he casually takes another dinner roll from the tray and puts it on his plate. His penis again quickly reaches up and snatches the dinner roll from his plate and they disappear beneath the table again. His wife this time catches it out of the corner of her eye and demands to know what happened.



He explains what occurred at his work that day, and instead of being repulsed, she seems to actually be turned on a little by his new member.



"So, can you show me again how your penis can grab the dinner roll from your plate?" She slyly asks him.



"Well, I think so," he says. "But I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

Midgets on Parade 96,092 48
05/03/2006 10:32 PM

Have you heard about the midget with 40lb testicles?















The little Frosters half nuts!

jaggeh 860 8
05/04/2006 11:54 AM

While walking along the cliffs of dover i came across a woman sitting in a wheelchair crying her eyes out.



"Whats wrong?" i asked her kindly.

"Oh sir, you have to help me please, my husband has fallen off the cliffs and lies dead at the bottom. I am paralysed and cannot get home!"



As i slowly unzipped my trousers i whispered sweetly "It's really not your day is it"

Sarah (Once daily, by mouth.) 30,601 8
05/25/2006 04:56 PM

What's the opposite of Christoper Reeve?



Christopher Walkin.















So much funnier when wasn't dead.

SweetBritches...The Final Countdown 3,351 8
05/25/2006 04:58 PM

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a Shakespeare?









Showoff.

Pumpkin Noggin 56,642 8
05/25/2006 05:08 PM

a Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel haning out of the zipper of his pants...The bartender looks at him and says "hey buddy, what's with the steeringwheel?" The pirate says "Arg, It's driving me nuts"

Neophyte 9,956 11
05/25/2006 05:35 PM

My sister went to the dentist, the guy told her she had accute pyorrhea, to which she responded: "Just concentrate on the dentistry please!"

Neophyte 9,956 11
05/25/2006 05:36 PM

My sister went to mmmm...muffins and purchased one of their freakishly large cookies, walked over a couple blocks to the hairdresser and sat down. After beginning to work, the hairdresser commented: "You're getting hair on your cookie!" to which my sis responded: "Yeah, I'm getting boobs too, will you just focus on the hair cutting please!"

Sharribarri 14,124 11
05/25/2006 06:27 PM

Me: Knock Knock

You: Who's there?

Me: Little man

You: Little man who

Me: Little man who couldn't reach the doorbell

Larry with two ys 67 8
05/25/2006 06:55 PM

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....



"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"



"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"



"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"



"But if you f#ck one goat......."

Montecore 533 8
05/25/2006 07:35 PM

What's black blue and afraid of sex?

The four year old girl I have locked in my basement!

Werehampsta 6,375 8
05/25/2006 09:33 PM

Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street.



The first one said "I lost my electron!"



The second one said "Are you sure?"



The first one said "I'm positive!"

Pumpkin Noggin 56,642 8
05/26/2006 09:30 AM

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality, however."



"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"



"Well, you have no nipples.."



"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.



"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine if you don't mind"



She said, "If you'd like to do that, it's fine with me."



"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"



She answered, "Approximately 500."



"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.



Running Doe replied, "We're called..."



The Indiannippleless Five Hundred