George Washington, you syphilitic old Coleridgesucker!
These are words you rarely hear, and for good reason: Washington to this day remains incredibly popular. All who knew him liked and greatly respected him; even now, schoolchildren around the world can identify him ("George Washington? Wasn't that the death metal band that was barred from entering Maine because of the Lobster Clitoris Song?"). But it was Henry Lee, a close friend of Washington's, who best summed up the way Americans felt and still feel about him: "First in war, first in peace, and first in the Zug series of articles on the Greatest U.S. Presidents."
George the Young'un
Despite popular belief, George Washington did not emerge from the womb wearing a white wig. Written accounts of the young Washington suggest that he instead wore a light-brown wig. At any rate, Washington became so enamored with his wig that he hosted a party for it; unfortunately, a typo on the invitations led to the creation of a political party...
We're jumping ahead of ourselves. George Washington was born in 1732 to wealthy, upper-class landowners. Most historians agree that he did this to set a precedent for future presidents. While growing up on his Virginia plantation, George participated in all the normal boyish activities of the time: cultivating tobacco, Frost-ing the attractive slaves, forming a controversial death metal band. And though not much is actually known about Washington's childhood, future liars were quick to fill in the blanks with apocryphal stories such as "George and the Cherry Tree."
Dad: "Did you chop down this cherry tree?"
George: "Nope."
Dad: "George, you know, I can actually see red stains- and I think some bark- on your axe."
George: "Alright. Father, I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down a totem pole and then turned my axe on a young Indian woman who was crying because she couldn't understand why I was desecrating her ancestors."
Dad: "Bad George!"
George: (crying)
Dad: "Oh great. Dammit. Shut up, will you? You're a Washington! If you stop crying, I'll buy you a new Lego box set."
Over the next few years, while staging mock Lego battles on his Ghost Pirate Cove map, George developed an excellent mind for military tactics. He understood that if you pulled the heads off of the enemies, they would be less efficient fighters (plus their heads could be re-attached to women's bodies, which was pretty funny).
Impressed with George's enthusiasm, the governor of Virginia requested that he enter the French and Indian War. This move sparked fear that I failed to mention the start of the war (1753), but also signaled the beginning of an impressive military career for Washington.
George the Fighter
During the French and Indian War, Washington quickly distinguished himself as a courageous soldier and leader of men. His raid on Fort Duquesne, PA resulted in the capture of 32 French soldiers while suffering just one casualty on his side: Even by French-killing standards, that's pretty impressive! Washington was promoted many times over the following years, until in 1758 he announced his retirement, confessing that his "heart just wasn't in massacring Indians anymore." He never fought again.
Wait... that can't be right.
George the Lover
Washington spent the next 16 years away from the battlefield, highlighted by his 1759 marriage to Martha Custis. The happy couple retired to George's plantation in northern Virginia, which was famous for being the place where Mrs. Washington repeatedly attempted to mount a slave named Vernon... or something else; I didn't do much research on this. Meanwhile, George was enjoying life as a successful farmer, intelligent businessman, wise legislator, and singer for a controversial death metal band.
George the Fighter, Continued
This peaceful hippie bullShakespeare came to an end in 1775, when American legislators met for the Second Continental Congress. Washington, never the subtlest of people, showed up at the meeting dressed in full war attire. Increasingly upset with the slow pace of the proceedings, Washington would occasionally blast the room with Pink Floyd in an attempt to incite anger towards the British. The furious Congressional delegates quickly appointed him Commander in Chief of the American armies.
Then, on some forgotten date in the summer of 1776, America declared its independence from Britain. Washington proudly marched hundreds of miles on the way to confront hostile British forces, until he realized that he was marching all alone. Clearly he would need troops. With promises of freedom and, perhaps more importantly, no more goddamn Pink Floyd music, Washington was able to enlist a few rebel soldiers to his side.
Unfortunately his soldiers were ill-equipped, poorly trained, and retarded. With such shoddy troops, the first two years of the war were marked by inconsistent fighting, small victories followed by crushing defeats, and a general sense of doom. Washington remained optimistic throughout: "Such is my situation that if I were to wish the bitterest curse to an enemy on this side of the grave, I should put him in my stead with my feelings."
A few Americans managed to maintain hope despite the slow start. "These are the times that try men's souls," wrote Thomas Paine. "Try to recruit the French, because they don't have souls." Buoyed by Paine's common sense and the fresh troops and instruction from his overseas allies, Washington slowly regained control of the war.
 What caused the Redcoats' demise is a subject of debate. The supremely executed Battle of Saratoga, the assistance of Prussian military instructor Baron Friedrich von Steuben, and the increase in American supplies and troops certainly all played a role. However, I prefer to credit the failed Hoth invasion, in which the Empire's clumsy Admiral Ozzel attempted to conquer Hoth, New York but came out of hyperspace too late. The alerted rebel soldiers quickly drove Ozzel and his superior, General Cornwallis, all the way down to Yorktown, where the British promptly surrendered.
George the President
After a few years of that "independence dealie," Washington sensed that things were not going so well. "We are fast verging to anarchy and confusion," he wrote. "Off the record, we need a king." Thus the Constitutional Convention of 1787 was called to select a new government. When called upon, George spoke passionately against the existing Articles of Confederation: "They're the Yanni of federal documents. I piss on them. Seriously, I'm unzipping my fly right now. You watching this, Arthur St. Clair? That's right, I know you're sneaking a peek, fag."
By the summer of 1788, enough states had approved the Constitution to allow for the re-organization of the government. Washington was a natural choice to lead the new democracy; he had good visibility as a result of being on the quarter and the one-dollar bill. In February of 1789, he was elected unanimously as the first President of the United States. This signaled the beginning of his 3 year, 11 month campaign for re-election.
One of George's lasting legacies as a President was his concern for the long-term health of America. "I walk on untrodden ground," he said after taking office. "There is scarcely any part of my conduct that may not hereafter be drawn into precedent." This gesture exonerated F.D.R. for attempting to stack the Supreme Court, Thomas Jefferson for owning slaves, and Woodrow Wilson for having awful teeth.
Another peculiarity of Washington's presidency was his modest approach to governing. The man who once wrote that the sound of gunfire aroused him (look it up) was now an advocate of neutrality in the French Revolution. He despised political bickering and generally sought peaceful compromise. Fortunately, his decision to place the interests of the nation over narrow-minded political dogma was widely recognized as unwise, and subsequent presidents discontinued the tradition.
George the Old Man
Upon leaving office in 1797, Washington changed his Address from Farewell to his plantation in Virginia. Finally free to relax, entertain guests, and sing for his controversial death metal band, George frequently commented on how happy retirement made him: "The only thing that could dull this moment would be if I developed strep throat, and doctors misdiagnosed it and bled me with leeches until I died from shock."
Then, while writing these words, Washington keeled over- shot in the back by a bitter Lord Cornwallis! This sequence of events is not commonly reported, but my source for classified information, undercover CIA operative Bob Johnson, assures me that it is true.
Wait! Delete! Delete! Oh God...
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