After writing the authoritative history of George Washington, I was immediately flooded with complaints from historical revisionist groups who did not care for the way history happened. "To suggest that black Americans were mostly slaves, or that minorities did not carry much influence, is a discredit to your otherwise brilliant article."
Upon careful consideration, I have concluded that they make a good point. The last article contained woefully little of minorities' contributions and, seen through the lens of hindsight, was culturally insensitive. Therefore, next in the Zug series of articles on the Greatest U.S. Presidents will be Thomas Jefferson, the nation's first black president.
 Thomas Jefferson, The First Black President
Thomas Jefferson was born on April 13th, 1743, a poor black child. The son of a long-suffering slave couple, Jefferson would fully understand the meaning of pain when his cruel master repeatedly raped him with a broom handle as punishment for attempting to read a book.
Young Jefferson would frequently watch in horror as his mother was forced to...
Okay, I can't do this.
Thomas Jefferson, Just Another White President
Actually, Thomas Jefferson was born on April 13th, 1743, a rich white child. The son of a wealthy land-owning couple, Jefferson would fully understand the meaning of pain when his cruel master repeatedly raped him with... Wait! Wrong story!
Jefferson's childhood was marked by quiet study. An apostle of mathematics, a disciple of classical tongues, and a Jehovah's Witness of ancient literature, Jefferson often studied for more than fifteen hours a day. His experience as a student was bittersweet: "I remain in the library, heading into hour thirteen. There isn't much to report... hey... what's this? What the hell! There's a pube in my Marcus Aurelius!"
But his studies put him on the fast track to success, and by age 16, Thomas was already attending university. Here he continued his classical education, as well as forming most of his Deist ideas about God and humanity:
Buddy: "Hey, do you think God could microwave a burrito so hot that even HE couldn't eat it?"
Tom: "No. I don't believe in miracles."
Buddy: "You will after you've tried this chronic."
Tom (inhaling): "Hey... Unitarianism makes sense!"
After graduation, Jefferson became a low-class prostitute.
Jefferson the Statesman
I'm obviously kidding about the low-class hooker comment! Jefferson actually studied law for five years, so that in 1767, he could be admitted as a high-class hooker.
The prostitution gig didn't work out. Even though he was "excellent with the pen" (an obvious metaphor), he was critiqued as having a "clumsy, untrained tongue." With his options nearly exhausted, Jefferson turned to a career in politics.
*This is traditionally the point in Jefferson biographies when you read about things like the House of Burgesses, the Townshend Acts, and the painstaking effort he put into writing the Declaration of Independence.
But wouldn't you much rather hear what Indiana Jones has to say?
Jefferson spent the next two decades shuttling between various political posts: Governor of Virginia, Congressman, and Minister to France. Along the way, he made many high-ranking friends with an easy-going and gracious demeanor that was, well, Jeffersonian.
So it came as no surprise when George Washington asked Jefferson to be the first Secretary of State. Jefferson reluctantly accepted; little did he know that, as part of an effort to improve ratings, George Washington had also brought on board Alexander Hamilton (Jefferson's political enemy) as the Secretary of Treasury.
Could Thomas and Alexander coexist peacefully in the new cabinet? Would Jefferson's strict constructionist view of the Constitution win out over Hamilton's much looser interpretation? Would Jack Bauer find the nerve gas in time to save Los Angeles?
It was obvious that the situation would soon (perhaps as soon as the next paragraph) get worse.
Hamilton vs. Jefferson
The situation began innocently enough. After a temper-tantrum, Jefferson and Hamilton drew a chalk line through the middle of the White House, with each one swearing to stay on his respective side. Unfortunately, Hamilton didn't plan on using the bathroom, which was on Jefferson's side! Ha-ha! So instead he crapped on the Constitution, forming a new political party.
Jefferson and his fellow Republicans stressed the need for individual liberties and a strict adherence to the U.S. Constitution, whereas Hamilton's "Federalist Party" desired nigh-unlimited governmental power, such as the ability to monitor communications without obtaining a warrant (a laughably outdated idea).
The feud reached a boiling point in 1798, when Hamilton began plotting a new race of super-babies that had not only X and Y chromosomes, but Z chromosomes as well. The XYZ Affair, as it was called, was narrowly averted when Jefferson hired an army of brutal intergalactic mercenaries as part of the Alien and Sedition Acts.
Impressed with Jefferson's clear thinking, the American people voted him in as the third President.
Jefferson, Another White President
Upon taking office in 1801, Jefferson stated that "government should play the smallest possible role in national life." He then promptly purchased the entire Midwest from France.
Of course, he did some constitutionally acceptable things as well. He paid off the national debt, repealed taxes, and changed the system of appointing federal offices to a meritocracy. And, in a move that is quintessentially American, he declared war on pirates (winning with the help of his Alien mercenaries). The stage was set for his re-election.
By 1804, there was no doubt that Jefferson would be elected once again. However, due to some tricky political maneuvering by the Federalists, his choice of running mate Aaron Burr was shot down. This was the final straw in the rivalry between Burr and Alexander Hamilton.
Provoked by Hamilton's inflammatory language, Burr challenged him to a duel and killed him.
This, sadly, made Burr an unsuitable choice for Vice President. Jefferson chose to go with George Clinton instead, who was fairly popular as a result of his saxophone-playing.
Over the next four years, Jefferson spent time on important issues such the French-British war, the attack on the Chesapeake, and Sally Hemings. And though his last four years in office would prove critical in establishing future foreign policy, the important lesson to take home is that Jefferson may have had an affair with Sally Hemings.
Jefferson in Retirement
Drawing upon George Washington's precedent, Jefferson declined to seek a third term in office (despite assurances that he would win). He returned to his home at Monticello, where he would entertain guests, write prolifically, and found Universities.
And I'm sure this is all very interesting. But wouldn't you rather hear what Indiana Jones has to say?
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