The selection of Thomas Jefferson as one of the greatest U.S. Presidents sparked tremendous controversy amongst our nation's leading historians. Below is a sampling of the e-mails I received that expressed disappointment:
"You're skipping over John Adams for this slave-screwing pantywaist? I hate you."
- Garry Wills
"I assume your article sucked, based on the boring font you used. I'll judge the content once I finish vomiting."
- Michael Beschloss
(inscrutable rambling with link to a virus)
- David McCullough
Most of the critics were polite in their responses though. In fact, many didn't resort to personal attacks until after I threatened to photoshop them into child-pornography erotica (Don't cross me again, Beschloss!). But under the harsh language, their message was clear: it was time to move on to the third selection in the Zug series of articles on the Greatest U.S. Presidents.
Abraham Lincoln
Just about everyone knows that Abraham Lincoln was born in a modest log cabin. What they don't know is that young Abe was flamboyantly homosexual! ...Or maybe he was only somewhat gay. It doesn't matter. The point is that Log Cabin Republicans are queers.
Another persistent rumor about Lincoln's childhood is that he was poor. While it's true that he had less than a year of formal schooling, this was not an issue of finances. Lincoln was raised in Kentucky and Indiana, states which to this day regard education as "for faggots and wizzards." He was a self-taught man out of necessity.
When he wasn't busy walking 10 miles just to borrow books or another 50 miles to cross state lines into Illinois where it was legal to read, young Abraham was hard at work. A tall and strong boy, he had no trouble finding labor-intensive jobs, such as splitting logs for fence rails. Lincoln's yeomanlike work ethic as a rail-splitter earned him a nickname which would stick with him the rest of his life ('The Great Emancipator').
At the age of 19, Lincoln left his father's farm in order to join the Rebel academy. By the age of 23 he was ready to fight, so he joined up with the Illinois state militia. In many ways, his service here was an extension of his days splitting rails; only in place of rails he now used the heads of defenseless Indians. This pleased him greatly.
Lincoln the Politician
Abraham's service time with the militia eventually ran out, forcing him to find real work. After his dream job of providing music for pornographic videos fell through, he somewhat reluctantly turned to politics. Running as a Whig (campaign slogan: "Perhaps I won't split your head open"), Lincoln was elected to the Illinois House of Representatives in 1834.
Bow-chicka-bow-bow
Witty and ready in debate, Lincoln was re-elected four times to the same position.
Bow-bow-chicka-bowbow
At the encouragement of his idol Henry T. Stuart, Lincoln began studying law in order to further advance his career.
Boom-chicka-chicka-boom
And in 1842, he married a 24-year old woman from Kentucky named Mary Todd.
BOOM-BOOM CHICKA-CHICKA BOOMBOOM!
Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah.
Trouble Brewing
By the 1850's, the nation was being torn apart by the question of slavery ("What is the best way to rape slaves?"). Lincoln, citing the slave-owning Founding Fathers as his support, demanded an end to the spread of slavery. His Democratic opponents, such as Illinois Senator Stephen Douglas, were quick to contend the point.
Lincoln: "I profess, there is no doubt in my heart that slavery is evil and must be put on the road to extinction."
Douglas: "What did the five Supreme Court justices who ruled against Dred Scott say to the face of the anti-slavery movement?"
Lincoln: "Huh?"
Douglas: *SLAP*
An enraged Lincoln challenged Douglas to a pissing contest- only the piss would be mixed with vinegar, and it would be spewing out of their mouths. Douglas agreed to a series of seven debates, on the condition that he picked the sites.
History shows that Lincoln clearly won the debates (he was clearly taller than Douglas). Buoyed by his good showing, Lincoln ran for Senate in 1858, and he received more votes than each of his opponents. Unfortunately, due to questionable districting, he lost the election.
Fun Fact: When Tom DeLay squints his eyes in the seconds before orgasm, this is what he envisions.
But the debates were good exposure for Lincoln. In 1860, the fledgling Republican Party nominated him for president. Due to internal division amongst the Democrats ("Isn't it much better to rape slaves while they cry?" vs. "No, they shouldn't be able to cry if you have whipped their vocal cords properly") Lincoln managed to win the election easily.
Sixteenth President of the United States
Ha ha.
Sixteenth President of the Divided States
On March 4, 1861, Lincoln took office. His Inaugural Address had great beauty and literary power, appealing to the "mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land." Moved by Lincoln's impassioned speech, many Southern states seceded.
By April, it was clear that Civil War was inevitable, and for many reasons. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter--
... Slavery. It was slavery.
Lincoln was tremendously upset about the breakup of the nation. Viewing the United States as a guinea pig for democracy, he feared that a failure here would result in justification for monarchies and dictatorships worldwide. Lincoln went into ass-kicking mode.
In 1862, just one year into the Civil War (or War of Northern Aggression, as retards say), Lincoln surprised everyone by issuing the Emancipation Proclamation. The declaration announced that all slaves in Confederate States were freed. Lincoln's gambit resulted in immediate nationwide racial harmony.
The next three years continued the bloody, gruesome violence of the war. Depending on which state you live in, your high school history textbook will either reveal that:
a) General Ulysses Grant, having been appointed in charge of the Union armies, completely annihilated the Southern forces, which was easy because their best fighter was Clark Gable.
b) The South won the war. Lincoln resigned in shame. That bastard.
c) La Guerra Civil Americana no me importa. Mis antepasados vivan en chozas de barro en Mxico. (California version)
Reconstruction and Aftermath
By 1865, Lincoln had decided that he wanted to become a woman, so he scheduled genital reconstructive surgery for... Wait! What I meant to say was, Lincoln set very gracious terms for a Southern surrender. Lincoln's proposed Ten Percent Plan had nothing to do with his new genitalia.
But things weren't all so cheery. On April 14th, a lot of things were going through Abe's mind, including obvious jokes. This was all put to a tragic end when John Wilkes Booth shot him at point blank range, proving once again that it's a bad idea for actors to get involved in politics.
Father Abraham, a man who had placed the good of the country above all other things, now "belongs to the ages," as Edwin Stanton noted. The president who many consider to be the best ever was mourned by the entire nation.
Actually, the entire nation except for Jane Fonda. She was busy protesting the war. What a bitch.
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