Slinky O' Toole 28,185 10
03/15/2006 02:11 PM

You tell one first.

Llono, Lead Singer of L2 48,662 14
03/15/2006 02:11 PM

My 2-yr old nephew had to go to the doctor last week. He kept saying "dokker, you'se gonna look at mine peee-pee?"



Already an exhibitionist. Like Uncle, like nephew.

Mrs.JM 24,693 8
03/15/2006 02:11 PM

Hardy har har har.

Aimless 54,807 10
03/15/2006 02:12 PM

Wait...you have hair on your weiner?



I think we should talk more about that.

Corned Beef and Cabbage Crunch 61,976 36
03/15/2006 02:12 PM

Back like, 10 years ago my brother (who was 6 at the time) got hit by a car and bounced off the pavement (he's fine now). The old lady who hit him had a mild stroke.



What? I thought it was pretty goddamn funny.

Mrs.JM 24,693 8
03/15/2006 02:12 PM

No Aimless - on my bagina!

eater of teh meat and potatoes 10,702 8
03/15/2006 02:13 PM

<action> stumbles into thread and puts arm around Slinky</action>

Slink, I love you man. It's not the whiskey (hic) or nuthin man. I Love You! (hic)

Aimless 54,807 10
03/15/2006 02:16 PM

This one time my dad was walking down the street and this crazy man pointed at him and screamed, "HEY! YOU DROPPED YOUR POCKET!" Giggled and ran away.

Lucky Charms 171,275 14
03/15/2006 02:20 PM

When I was a kid, I was going to be the flower girl in my aunts wedding. Everytime someone asked me what color it was I told them "Ovary".



I got the sex talk that year.

eater of teh meat and potatoes 10,702 8
03/15/2006 02:21 PM

In Dutch Wonderland (a rinky dink amusment park in bumbleFrost, PA), my Dad went to hit me. My Dad is fat and slow, so i moved. He ended up hitting another kid. A little black kid. Her father was a 6'5" behemoth. Thank god he was understanding, or else, I would be a bastard.

Oliver McChest 203,475 12
03/15/2006 02:24 PM

This one time this kid kept screaming "No! No, please don't rape me!"



We had a good laugh at that one.

eater of teh meat and potatoes 10,702 8
03/15/2006 02:25 PM

Hey Ollie, that's not rape, it's called role playing.

Lucky Charms 171,275 14
03/15/2006 02:36 PM

Not only did I get the sex talk, but I got the womans reproductive organs drawn on a napkin!

Mc Chit Faced 178,781 15
03/15/2006 02:40 PM

Anyone else wonder why Jilly's niece knows what her hairy bagina looks like ?

Mr. Blarney O' Sir. 66,727 9
03/15/2006 02:42 PM

I remember when I was a child at my Catholic school, one of the penguins was telling knock-knock jokes, and asked each of us to come up with a joke.



I told a variation of the following:

Mr. Blarney O' Sir. 66,727 9
03/15/2006 02:43 PM

A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

The man says, "But, this is really special."

The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my kids come out and begin to do the same, but my daughter's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."

The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lay down on the stage."

The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part: our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."

He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

To which the father replies, "The Aristocrats."

Mr. Blarney O' Sir. 66,727 9
03/15/2006 02:43 PM

I was quite the rascal.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/15/2006 02:49 PM

I teach really young kids at a theatre school part time in the summer. While the little girls and the little gays (yes, you can tell with some seven year olds) are usually well-behaved and enthusiastic, often the younger boys get really rowdy and like to pick fights with each other. This is discouraged, since parents don't like it when we return their kids with black eyes. When we separate the little terrors, they usually both start protesting their innocence with things like "he started it!" or "I was just sitting and didn't do anything!"



One little boy, however, had clearly had enough with the class bully, so when I pulled the two apart, he looked me in the eye and simply said "He took my hat, and wouldn't give it back, so I punched him in the stomach and sat on his head."



It's really inappropraite to laugh at these times, but sometimes, you just can't help it.

Pokey Little Puppy 243 9
03/15/2006 02:58 PM

When I was in nursery school, there was this one girl whose family was super-Christian. One day we had to sit in a circle and each kid had to tell a fact about themselves. When it's her turn, Christian girl says, "I'm God's child." And another kid, without missing a beat, pipes up, "And I'm Godzilla!"

Mr. Blarney O' Sir. 66,727 9
03/15/2006 02:59 PM

That's so precious, it belongs in Reader's Digest.

Mc Chit Faced 178,781 15
03/15/2006 03:05 PM

"I'm God's child."







That would make for a "Super Christian" family alright.

HC: Delmhorst's Secret Lover 16,937 8
03/15/2006 03:16 PM

It was the morning of my brother-in-law's wedding and my eldest daughter(she was 8 at the time) was to be a flower girl in her uncle's wedding that afternoon. While I was getting the younger ones dressed, their father was wrestling over the remote control for the tv and flew into another famous rage of his and split her head open and knocked her unconscious.



She didn't come to until I got her into the ER. The blood was still running down my hand as I was trying to apply pressure on the gash in her skull.



The ER doctor asked me what happened, so I told him. He looks at me like he's going to hunt her father down and dice him with a #12 blade. Then he asks my daughter what happened she tells him the same thing I just said and added, "My daddy is an Emerson".



The doctor pauses stitching her head and says, "If anyone corrects this child's choice of words, I will personally turn them in for flagrant abuse".

Slinky O' Toole 28,185 10
03/15/2006 03:18 PM

Wow, you tell the best stories.

HC: Delmhorst's Secret Lover 16,937 8
03/15/2006 03:33 PM

No, I don't.

TorchAteTeen 3,239 8
03/15/2006 03:59 PM

A man walks into a talent agent's office



Actually, that joke is not just "stand alone" funny. You are supposed to add your own take to it. Nice try , however.

BiteMySlice 378 7
03/15/2006 07:36 PM

In Dutch Wonderland (a rinky dink amusment park in bumbleFrost, PA)



ah yes, the park the rebellious amish made, good memories

Mc Chit Faced 178,781 15
03/15/2006 07:50 PM

ah yes, the park the rebellious Amish made, good memories





The gravity coaster, bumper buggies, clothesline to Tomorrowland, that place rocks.

Balfazz 518 9
03/16/2006 02:20 PM

I think my son leads a sheltered life.



Yesterday, he was quoting some video army game he plays saying, "Get back over here you TURDBALLS!!" He kept saying it and saying it, then he turned to me and says "Mom, what's a turd?"



He's 10 years old. I'm mortified.

Mr. Blarney O' Sir. 66,727 9
03/16/2006 02:29 PM

Actually, that joke is not just "stand alone" funny. You are supposed to add your own take to it. Nice try , however.



Hey torch- if you look up, you'll see the joke.



The point was that I was a young child telling a nun the "dirtiest joke in the world". Obviously, it wasn't true, and I just copied the joke itself from Wikipedia.





Jesus, I hope the comic that you write/ trace/ gopher for isn't supposed to be a funny one. It must be Cathy.

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 03:09 PM

My folks would always go to Miami to see some kin of ours. They would say " We are going to Miami on Monday." Or whatever. Well after 3 years of hearing this. My neice who was 3 at the time says to my mother. " Can I go to YOURami on monday too?"

Sheamus O'Robot 67,630 16
03/16/2006 03:10 PM

<action> takes a sharpie to the title of the thread and writes "Take your Coleridge..."</action>

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:06 PM

I guess yall dont get it. She was 3. We would say Miami, She would hear " My Ami". So she said..... Ah never mind if ya have to explane it, it isnt worth it. Shucks I struck out twice today. Woe is me!

Witness Protectionat'd Baby Eating Potato Famine 131,068 34
03/16/2006 04:09 PM

I explaned once, but I landed on the tarmac because they didn't roll out the stairs for me.

Darrin O'Gill and the Little People 21,346 0
03/16/2006 04:11 PM

They should have at least busted out that inflatable slide for you if you were going to explane.

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:11 PM

Ouch!

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:13 PM

Whoops a Typo! Line up the firing squand and shoot me. Ill take a last smoke thank you,

Oliver McChest 203,475 12
03/16/2006 04:16 PM

I have the same squand as Harry Potter.

Mrs.JM-wearing green skivvies 24,693 8
03/16/2006 04:17 PM

Larry! I like ending my sentences with commas too. It lets people think you're going to say more, but you're really not,

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:19 PM

Arrghhhh Today just is not my day.

Oliver McChest 203,475 12
03/16/2006 04:20 PM

I'm gonna go ahead and assume that most days aren't.

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:25 PM

Ok that is one too many typos for me today. I thank the Grammar Police for doing a great job. Way to go! I promise not to make another post untill I learn how to spell and punctuate. Thank your for your support.

Darrin O'Gill and the Little People 21,346 0
03/16/2006 04:25 PM

Your welcome and your retarded.

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:26 PM

Yes I am thank you for pointing that out.

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:33 PM

We can call each other names on the post? I kinda thought we were all adults. I guess I thought that because I am retarded! And by the way we like to be called the Mentally Challenged, Thank you!

Mrs.JM-wearing green skivvies 24,693 8
03/16/2006 04:37 PM

on the post

heh

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:38 PM

Holy Jumping Jesus!!! What I say wrong now?

Darrin O'Gill and the Little People 21,346 0
03/16/2006 04:39 PM

Now he is a cave man. "What I say wrong now, ug?"

Balfazz 518 9
03/16/2006 04:40 PM

You forgot the "did".

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:42 PM

I love you all. I really mean it. If I could I would hug you all.

Mrs.JM-wearing green skivvies 24,693 8
03/16/2006 04:42 PM

No Bal, maybe he's Asian.

Darrin O'Gill and the Little People 21,346 0
03/16/2006 04:43 PM

We're just Frost-ing with you, Larry.

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:43 PM

If I were Asian, would you love me then???

Darrin O'Gill and the Little People 21,346 0
03/16/2006 04:44 PM

The only Asian that is loved here is Al.



The Asian quota has been filled.

Mrs.JM-wearing green skivvies 24,693 8
03/16/2006 04:45 PM

If I could I would hug you all.

Uh, count me out on the hug, ya freak. I don't hug strangers. Espescially Asian ones.

Larry Moeshemp 22,222 17
03/16/2006 04:46 PM

Can I hug you if I told you I am only half Asian?

Cruz McManus : Hopeful Bride 9,993 12
03/16/2006 04:49 PM

<action>Looks up</action>Wasn't there a thread in here somewhere ?

Trae - corn beef curtains & cabbage 156,790 17
03/16/2006 04:50 PM

"Mommy, why do you have fur?"





I've fixed that since then. But who knew the tables would turn so quickly???







MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jade - Wearing a Shamrock in her hair 14,453 11
03/16/2006 04:50 PM

Babe?

FDIC, ALOG Cofounder 10,327 12
03/16/2006 05:01 PM

Around Christmas, my brother-in-law brought over his eldest child for a visit with Aunt FDIC and Uncle Cletus. Uncle Cletus was proud of this new portable band saw he'd purchased, so he wanted to show it to his brother.



As we were all donning our coats my 4 year old niece looked at me and whispered, "Where's his head coat? He doesn't have any hair. He'll freeze if he doesn't have his head coat."

Lucky Charms 171,275 14
03/17/2006 09:42 AM

A five and a four year old are sitting in their room before breakfast. The five year old tells the four year old, "It's about time we start cussing," the four year old nodes his head in agreement. The five year old states "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with the word hell and you say something with ass", the four year old agrees with enthusiasm. The kids go downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. Their mother says to the 5 year old, "Good morning, what would you like for breakfast?" The five year old states "Ah hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs up stairs crying his eyes out. With his mother in hot pursuit and slapping his rear with every step. His mother locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay in there until I let you out." She then comes back down stairs, looks at the four year old and states with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know" he blubbers "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

TorchAteTeen 3,239 8
03/23/2006 10:27 AM

Jesus, I hope the comic that you write/ trace/ gopher for isn't supposed to be a funny one. It must be Cathy.



Jesus does a comic too!?! I bet its Wizard of Id!!!

Pen15 84 7
03/23/2006 12:29 PM

I thought this was going to be a thread about stupid things girls said. Yeah, Im a shovanist pig.



Anyway..



A friend's girlfriend's sister just turned 16 and got a mini cooper. She got an American flag painted on the roof.

Fortune Cookie 171,275 14
03/24/2006 03:02 PM

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:



Red- Cherry

Yellow- Lemon

Green- Lime

Orange- Orange



Finally, the professor gave them all honey-flavored Lifesavers. After eating them, a few moments passed and none of the children could identify the taste. "Well", he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."



One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out..... they're Emersons!!!"

Cadbury Cream Crunch 61,976 36
03/24/2006 11:45 PM

3 little boys of grammar school age were to appear in their first play. The first little boy was to say, "Ahh fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". The second little boy was to say, "She sleeps and dreams in heavenly peace." The third little boy was to say, "Hark, a pistol shot."



On the night of the play, the 3 boys were very nervous. To their horror this is what their parents heard: The first boy came out and said, "Ahh, fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap!" This made the second boy so nervous, he said, "She sleeps and dreams of having a piece". The third boy was so nervous, he said, "Hark, apostle Shakespeare, cowShakespeare, bullShakespeare, I didn't want to be in this damn play in the first place!"

Cadbury Cream Crunch 61,976 36
03/25/2006 12:45 AM

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "Frost OFF!", the dog ate him!"





...what, I'm Frost-ing bored.

Kilgork Troutkat 41,132 13
03/25/2006 09:18 AM

I was just installing a game for my daughter when I realized she had taken my Bob Marley CD out of the drive and left it on the desk.



I asked her to let me know when she takes my CDs out so they don't sit around and get scratched up because I'd-



I paused not wanting to say 'pissed' when she said it for me.



So I was like, "Yeah- pissed."

dinesh 24,862 16
03/25/2006 03:37 PM

Yeah, Im a shovanist pig.



And people say that making fun of spelling and grammar isn't funny.

Taco: the Lord of the Crunch 61,976 36
05/10/2006 11:00 AM

...bump?

I'll take a Molotov cocktail, please... 30,601 8
05/10/2006 01:53 PM

I was getting dressed and was wearing a thong, and my 4 year old said to me, "Mom, your panties are stuck in your butt."



And then there was the time we were in the grocery line, and my daughter asked me (very LOUDLY) "Mom, are those your boobies?"



Oooooh yeah, and then we were at the store another time, and I was ahem, buying some ahem...ok, I had a raging yeast infection.



There. I said it.



So anyways, some lady was in the same aisle as us, and my daughter tells her, "Hi, I'm Chloe. My moms peep itches."



I sold her the next day.

Midgets on Parade 96,092 48
05/10/2006 02:04 PM

Me and my youngest (4) were out eating lunch the other day when he asked me to get him more ketsup. I jokingly asked him, figuring he wouldn't get it, "Do I look like your colered boy?"



He looked me in the eye and replied for everyone to hear...





"No dad, you my bitch."









I figure another couple days and he may be able to sit again.

Sage of Seattle (Relentlessly convivial) 36,465 8
05/10/2006 10:13 PM

My daughter and I were online talking with one of my chinese friends one evening when I typed the word "yup" in response to a question from my friend. She (my friend) didn't know what that meant, so I simply said, "it means 'yes'."



My daughter suddenly spoke up and said to me matter-of-factly, "'Dude' is another word for person you know."



I leaned over to her and said, "I know, I speak English; she does not." (as I pointed to the computer monitor)



We laughed about it and she said, "You know, I have no idea why I said that!"

gobadine 2,737 10
05/10/2006 10:20 PM

Thank god he was understanding, or else, I would be a bastard.



your a bastard if your born out of wedlock, your an orphan if some black dude kills your dad.

and if your born out of wedlock and black dude kills your dad your a bastard orphan.

Sage of Seattle (Relentlessly convivial) 36,465 8
05/10/2006 10:25 PM

Now, I have made it a policy, a rule that I will never break, that no matter what my daughter asks me, I will always honestly and forthrightly answer it. I absolutely can't stand when I hear parents telling their kids "I'll tell you later" or "gee, I dunno" (and never bothering to find out) and stuff like that.



Anyway, my ten year old is reading this book she got from her school library about human anatomy and bodily functions. Kind of a "this is gross but true, kids!" thing going on I guess.



So she's looking through it with an occasional "Eeewwww!" and "oh god! that's gross!" I'm sitting at my computer, thinking about how tired I am when she asks, "Dad, what's a period?" And, of course, she's not talking grammar all of a sudden.



So I very calmly and professionally explained to her, "go ask your mom."



Hhrrmm....



I guess this dad thing is not as easy as I thought it would be before she could talk...

Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
05/11/2006 01:30 AM

Ya know I was going to bump this as Millie requested...but Taco beat me to it. I seriously am proud of my funniest post. Everytime I look at it, it makes me laugh.



2nd post...go look at it.

Midgets on Parade 96,092 48
05/11/2006 01:41 AM

Earlier tonite I told my youngest to bring me his favorite coloring book so we could do a picture.





He skipped his and brought me my old anatomy coloring book off my shelf.



Try explaining some of that Shakespeare to a 4 year old.

Crisp SAVIOR, CraniumWeirdo 4,599 8
05/11/2006 01:51 AM

When I was wee, I thoroughly enjoyed shouting "you're touching my butt!" in crowded places.



Good times.

Chit 178,781 15
05/11/2006 02:07 AM

I always loved the story Comedian Robert Schimmel told of his 10 year old daughter when his wife got pregnant for their second child.



They weren't sure how much of the birds and the bees she understood so they talked to her teacher. The teacher suggested they just ask her, they might be surprised.



He sat his daughter down and asked her if she understood where the baby mommy was going to have came from and was shocked when she told him that the woman had eggs and the man had sperm that fertilized the egg, and together they could make a baby.



He then asked her if she knew how the man fertilized the egg.



His daughter said, "Does the man pee on the woman ?"



To which he answered, "Sometimes, but that's $35 dollars extra."









Daddy's a comedian sweetie, he was just kidding honey.



It actually cost him a Toyota Landcruiser.

Gorshack 41,132 13
05/11/2006 07:28 PM

My daughter was just read out loud over my shoulder, "Back to man page."



My guffaw made her think that's funny.



When is that font being fixed?

Chit 178,781 15
05/11/2006 07:42 PM

Gork my friend, of all the stuff you type in on this board, you are way lucky that's all she read over your shoulder.

Gorshack 41,132 13
05/11/2006 07:47 PM

For real!



I'm currently trying to find Undie's vagina so one tab away are all sorts of interesting Google Ads!

Chit 178,781 15
05/11/2006 07:59 PM

I'm currently trying to find Undie's vagina so one tab away are all sorts of interesting Google Ads!







And today is a really light day.

Chit 178,781 15
05/11/2006 08:08 PM

I don't have that much experience with kids but they sure seem like a challenge to me.





I heard another comedian talking about his kid who kept pointing to a picture in his book and asking, "What Dat ?"



To which the father replied, "Hippopotamus"



Then, "What Dat ?"

"Hippopotamus"

"What Dat ?"

"Hippopotamus"

"What Dat ?"

"Hippo Frost-ing Potamus"

"Frost, Frost, Frost"

"No, No, Hippopotamus"

"Frost"

"No, Hippopotamus"

"Frost"



I love it !

Happy PhartSack 13,792 15
05/11/2006 10:33 PM

"Out of the mouths of babes"



pours a load of my CUM....

Plain Ol' Chance 171,275 14
05/11/2006 10:38 PM

Distasteful, seriously did you eat garlic?

Taco: the Lord of the Crunch 61,976 36
05/12/2006 11:55 PM

When I was wee,



...you have never, and will never be wee. There can be only one wee Taco! *chops off Savior's head*

SAVIORA, Decapitated 4,599 8
05/13/2006 12:35 AM

<action>Bows to Taco</action>Iamsubjecttowee/taco'swhimand

SAVIORA, Decapitated 4,599 8
05/13/2006 12:36 AM

IamSOdrunkrightnowWEEE!!!Pleaseforgiveme

SAVIORA, Decapitated 4,599 8
05/13/2006 12:37 AM

ohveteransofgab.

Taco: the Lord of the Crunch 61,976 36
05/13/2006 12:37 AM

Damn right.

SAVIORA, Decapitated 4,599 8
05/13/2006 12:42 AM

<action>bows more</action>



Can'tbelieveIcantypeandbegthisgoodasdrunkasIam



Iamasupplicantotgabteachme

Happy PhartSack 13,792 15
05/13/2006 12:45 AM

LearnToUseAFrost-ingSpaceBar

SAVIORA, Decapitated 4,599 8
05/13/2006 12:47 AM

Space bars are for sober people

SAVIORA, Decapitated 4,599 8
05/13/2006 12:48 AM

OhmygodIjustlookednormaldrunkamazing!

LLLLLLLLL 48,662 14
05/19/2006 04:31 PM

Same nephew as in my story above:



His grandmother (not my mother, but his other grandmother) was testing his knowledge of his facial parts.



"What's this?"

"Mine nose."

"And what's that for"

"Well, actually, Grammie, it's for where you wipe the snot away."

Queen_Ilikimikimaka 440 8
05/19/2006 06:32 PM

My cousin, Cathryn, developed a fascination with boobs when she was five. She asked every female she met how old they had to be to "gets boobies". It was kind of cute when she would run around with stuffed animals in her shirt. It stopped being cute when she pulled down my bikini top while we were at the beach. Her explanation? "How'm I s'posed to know when I hab 'dem if I don't know what dey look like?"

Jeprechaun 58,758 13
05/19/2006 07:46 PM

I was at McDonald's a few months ago. After we finished, my wife took my daughter to the bathroom while I tried to occupy my 2-year-old. He wanted to give "High Fives" So we did. The following conversation transpired:



Son: "Gimme Five, Daddy!"



I give him five.



Son: "Gimme Potato Dad!" We bump fists and cheer. Son:



"Gimme elbow, Daddy!"



We bump elbows, then knees, then shoulders and virtually every other body part until my son bows down towards me, laughing hysterically and yells, "GIMME HEAD DAD!" I busted out laughing myself and replied, in a voice much louder than I meant to project, "I ain't giving you head!"



I then noticed how many people were staring at me so, to avoid a costly call to Child Welfare Services, I head-butted the little cretin.



/recycling

ixos 852 9
05/19/2006 07:54 PM

While vacationing with my parents, my four year old and I were talking to my mom. I heard a loud buzzing. I turned to look at my son, who had my wife's silver bullet, swinging it around by the cord.

clem9796 64 7
06/02/2006 03:15 PM

My friend's kid asked me where babies come from..



I jokingly (hoping she'd drop the question) replied "Oregon".



She then said "wow, they must have a lot of sex there."

Beater 10,702 8
06/02/2006 03:34 PM

100th to post!



Also, two days ago, my willie came into the mouth of a small child.

Lisa is a Pirate 26 6
07/28/2006 12:33 PM

This one little boy I know found part of a tree branch one day and ran around the public restroom proclaiming "I've got a big brown stick!" However, being a little kid his speech wasn't perfect and instead of the "st" sound he made a "d" sound.

Chance has no chance with Slinky 28,185 10
07/28/2006 12:36 PM

Been looking at my funniest posts eh?

Sharribarri Falafel Ball Tamer 14,124 11
07/28/2006 12:38 PM

Some crazy pirate's myspace page is inaccurate. It lists her age as 17. I know for a fact that there are NO underage gabbers.

Lisa is a Pirate 26 6
07/28/2006 12:39 PM

might have...

DemoMonkey, leader of the MondeGreen Party. 166,252 10
07/28/2006 12:39 PM

We are all over 21.



All of us.



Permanently.

Lisa is a Pirate 26 6
07/28/2006 12:40 PM

the minimum age here is 18, my friend, not 21

Sharribarri Falafel Ball Tamer 14,124 11
07/28/2006 12:41 PM

By the way, nice eye patch.

Lisa is a Pirate 26 6
07/28/2006 12:42 PM

thanks. I think so too.

Chance has no chance with Slinky 28,185 10
07/28/2006 12:43 PM

Jack Sparrow still isn't real.

Lisa is a Pirate 26 6
07/28/2006 12:45 PM

He bloody well is! Why if he isn't real then neither is Santa Claus!

A Chance to be Abe Vigodas Love Slave 171,275 14
07/28/2006 01:06 PM

I think we know Santa isnt real. Tell me the tooth fairy isnt real and we are boxing.

Het Hoofd van de pompoen 56,642 8
07/28/2006 02:17 PM

<action> puts on gloves and pulls waistband of boxing shorts up over his head to prevent "hitting below the belt" </action>



Chance..the tooth fairy isn't real.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
07/28/2006 02:25 PM

Is it because this is a Jilly thread that you are all posting like retarded monkeys on angel dust?

Het Hoofd van de pompoen 56,642 8
07/28/2006 02:56 PM

Like they say, Big..When in Rome...

Big Irish Slinky Dog 211,584 32
07/28/2006 03:36 PM

<action>covers his bases</action>

Werehampsta 6,375 8
07/28/2006 03:37 PM

When my nephew was four and I was in a crowded grovery store with him, he yelled out "Auntie Chris, that milk bottle has a picture of the girl locked in your basement!"

Het Hoofd van de pompoen 56,642 8
07/28/2006 04:11 PM

Gotta stop taking him to grovery stores. All you can get is blue monster food and cookies. You ought to know how suggary snacks and body parts make kids act in public.

Blueberry Pan-cake 2,382 8
07/28/2006 04:14 PM

When in Rome...





Yes? Please, go on.

</Ron Burgundy>

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
07/28/2006 04:15 PM

I've heard that you can get better stuff at the Supergrover store.

Johnnie Virgil 541 6
07/28/2006 05:55 PM

My friend bought a new car, and when he got it, the child safety locks were engaged on the back doors. He was lazy, so he never got around to flipping the switch, which meant that he always had to open the door from the outside for the people in the back. One day I was driving with him somewhere and his kid was in the back seat. We parked the car, and she was yelling at him because she couldn't get out. She yelled, "Daaaaaad, why won't the door open?" He said, "Because the child safety lock is on." She looked at him for a second, then asked, "How does it know I'm a child?"

Sam (the Spud) 6 6
07/30/2006 09:01 AM

This isn't so funny, but at the time.... When I was about 14 my cousin (3) was at my house, and so was my very Christian grandmother. Now, how many people here count bloody as a swearword? I thought not. So Pagan (my cousin) couldnt put one of her dress-up princess dresses on.

"Granny, I CAN'T PUT THIS BLOODY DRESS ON! BLOODY HELP ME PUT THE BLOODY DRESS ON!!!" My grandomther had a complete fit, for reasons unknown to the sane world, and my uncle got a lecture. I just helped Pagan put the bloody dress on.

Sam (the Spud) 6 6
07/30/2006 09:03 AM

Not that I'm part of the sane world....

Blueleprechaun 13,144 10
07/30/2006 09:03 AM

If it isn't funny...



Shut The Frost Up.