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As a few of you may or may not know, I took a road trip to Connecticut recently via Greyhound. This is not a story about the large gray bearded African woman who sat next to me on the bus. Nor is it about the crack heads that were sleeping/smoking crack on every single bench at my bus station. This story is about a four-hour overlay I had while in New York City between Philadelphia and Connecticut.
I arrived in New York City at about Four a.m. With four hours to kill in a land that had been completely unknown to me except by the news reports of the mass-murders and drug stings, I decided to go see it with my very own two eyes. It was my mission to go and try a slice of that "famous New York pie." There was no better time to do that then four a.m. Or so I thought.
Approximate time in NYC: 5 minutes
Apparently a large black man took notice to a Budweiser hat that I was wearing and immediately after crossing a street towards him, I was offered the pleasant greeting of "Hey man, you know this Buds for you!" He then flashed me a green flowery substance that I'm sure a lot of us have been in contact with before. The conversation went like this
"No man, I'm straight."
"I know you ain't got no purple haze like me dawg."
"Nah, I just meant I don't do that anymore."
"You don't do it anymore? What do ya mean? The politicians got to you didn't they?"
As I rolled my eyes "Yeah man, it was the politicians"
"Man, ya can't be lettin' no George Bush or no Dick Cheney be tellin' you how to live your life. This is a free world. Free for me and you to smoke all the weed we want."
"No man, it's just I don't want to do that stuff anymore."
As he proceeded to flash me another bag he exclaimed "Howz about that hashish Shakespeare. I got the most chronic Shakespeare this side of Kentucky."
Getting tired of being flashed illegal drugs I just pointed to my hat and said, "No man, this is the only Bud I need in my life."
I finally escaped the clutches of the black mans enticing offers of that "most chronic Shakespeare this side of Kentucky" to go set my eyes on the beauty that is New York and find some of that damn pizza. Oh how that pizza was a seemingly impossible goal.
I continued walking down the streets of NYC checking out the sites and looking for my pizza. I noticed one thing about how the women dress in that town during the wee hours of the morning: like sluts. Also note that I like how the women dress in that town in the wee hours of the morning. I basically walked around for about an hour with a 15-pound backpack on my back and eventually not finding any pizza I decided to take a rest back at the bus station for a little bit.
While smoking a cigarette outside of the bus station before I went back in a very shady woman who looked about 85 came up to me and introduced herself. She then explained to me a trouble she had. "My body is possessed by Satan." So I replied with an oh so casual "Is it now? That must suck." She then went on to explain to me that if I could spare any change it would help her out. I figured 75 cents towards ridding someone of demonic possession is 75 cents well spent. I then headed back into the bus station for an hour or so break.
After an hour or so break I ventured back out into NYC around 6 a.m. The sun was beginning to come out and also so did two other things. One was black men trying to entice me into going into the nude shops/adult stores where I was even told they have brothels on the top floors. The second would be the pigeons. You may not think the pigeons would be notable but I can tell you that you are VERY wrong. You see I only mention the pigeons because I was almost attacked by about say, ALL OF THEM!
Now I ventured through the town for about another half hour until I was mentally scarred from the following. I was walking down the street smoking another cigarette when I passed by a black car that unknowingly to me was occupied. Now that wouldn't make much of a difference at all but the situation when something like this. I was passing the car smoking my cigarette when I spit out onto the ground. That was when I became known to the occupant of the car. He was a large man about 40 or so, had glasses, and also a dog collar around his neck. That's when he said to me
"Hey boss."
"What's up man?"
"I'll give you twenty dollars if you spit for me."
I was obviously shocked "Uh, excuse me."
"I said I'd give you twenty dollars if you spit for me."
"...NO!"
I went back to the bus station immediately following that conversation.
But all in all my overlay in NYC went like this.
Actual offers of drugs: 3
Actual offers of sex with a female: Around 10
Pigeons who tried to eat me: 9,321
Offers of sexual relations with another man: 1
God, I love New York City.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
31 votes
3.6
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25 Comments on "Mr. Slinky goes to New York."
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UnderHaggis! 101,398  77
08/04/2006 05:56 PM
I was disappointed in the lack of raping and stabbing in this article. Are you sure you were really in NYC?
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DemoMonkey, leader of the MondeGreen Party. 166,252 10
08/04/2006 07:09 PM
"I'll give you twenty dollars if you spit for me."
Just when you think there are no new perversions.
(Good article.)
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Ditdah 123,110 14
08/04/2006 07:51 PM
I think the editing and revisions in this article were done by a genius.
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Ditdah 123,110 14
08/04/2006 07:52 PM
Good job, Slink. On the article AND on not getting AIDS in New York.
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Millie 116,988 28
08/04/2006 10:20 PM
AIDS takes a while to show up.
Good article, Slinky.
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Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
08/04/2006 10:33 PM
Are you sure you were really in NYC?
Yeah, most New Yorkers just want you to give us money for sex, drugs, diamonds, show deals, or stolen cars.
Nice job.
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Succubus 3,359 10
08/05/2006 02:44 AM
You need to practice looking scary. No one Frosted with me when I was in NYC, by myself.
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Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
08/05/2006 01:21 PM
You need to practice looking scary. No one Frosted with me when I was in NYC, by myself.
Did you show up at 4 am?
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Sage of Seattle (Obliquely Indiscreet) 36,465 8
08/05/2006 01:28 PM
You need to practice looking scary.
Yeah Slink, I agree with Filly. You just don't have your 'diseased crack-whore' look down pat yet.
One little tip is to cover yourself with pigeon droppings and go around muttering to yourself, "I get no clickies! I get no Frostin' clickies!" and since no one will understand you, they'll avoid you like the plague.
Not that I'm speaking from personal experience, mind you....jes' sayin'
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Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
08/05/2006 01:30 PM
<action> looks around for Filly.</action>
Nope.
But thank you everyone. Expect more to come.
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Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
08/05/2006 01:31 PM
It didn't add in my action tag last where I was pointing out that Filly isn't in this thread/article.
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Sage of Seattle (Obliquely Indiscreet) 36,465 8
08/05/2006 01:32 PM
Wow, I sure Frosted up again. That wasn't Filly I was quoting. Sorry Larkknot. Don't know where my mind was, I guess...
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newwave 45,912 10
08/05/2006 03:25 PM
The last (and only) time I went to NYC, I was in the NJ transit station, and I saw a black dude sleeping in the station with his hat at his feet. I put some change in there and those noise awoke him. "What do you think I am, a Frost-ing bum? I'm just sleeping here. Go to hell!"
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Succubus 3,359 10
08/05/2006 11:16 PM
It's okay Sage. Filly is pretty too, so it's okay to confuse me with her.
And yes, Slinky, I was out and about in the early AM hours, though they were the end of my day rather than the beginning.
And yeah, I forgot the obligatory great article comment too, although I did give you a 5-orb.
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Myzyri 468 9
08/13/2006 03:13 AM
Dude, you suck at this...
STOP!
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HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
10/18/2006 01:03 PM
You should have taken the $20 and hocked a lugie on him right before running as fast as possible.
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Slinky 28,185 10
04/11/2008 04:03 PM
I'm bumping this because while re-reading it I was wondering why I am going BACK but for 5 days this time.
Still can't figure it out.
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Just Chance 171,275 14
04/11/2008 08:42 PM
You going to see NKOTB?
Fag.
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TracyMcC 1,124 6
04/11/2008 09:05 PM
AGH! Why can't I give orbs?!? Not nice!
Great article. It reminds me of the way it used to be before the Giuliani crackdown Disneyfied the place.
The winged rats personify the City's attitude, even if most people tend to be less "colourful" these days - even if you live here, the streets belong to them and they're not afraid to remind you of that fact.
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Nachos - Sociopaths of the world unite! 57,521 23
04/11/2008 10:07 PM
This articles amuses as it completely contrasts with my own time there.
Playing Johnny Foreigner in New York you'd think I'd have been accosted at every turn. In fact, I ended up walking through pretty much most of the less salubrious areas (sometimes at night) without any problems at all. I even pretty much strolled through the middle of a gang fight and nothing happened.
In fact the only thing of note was when I was walking betweentwotenement blocks in Rockaway and a group of youths sitting on a building's steps all got up and crossed the road when I started to walk by them.
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