To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/03/2006 08:52 AM

I bought a new 2006 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day

complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied,

"Ricky or Willie?" Willie!", He continued and "On The Road Again"

came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical

music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.



Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car,

but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Emersons!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by

Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore

and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums,

Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid

on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.



I LOVE this car!

Aimless 54,807 10
08/03/2006 08:59 AM

Why Am I Tired?



For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.



Here's why:.

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

-140,000,000

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

-85,000,000

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

-29,000,000

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

-2,800,000

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state/city governments.

-14,800.000

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

-188,000

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

-1,211,998

That leaves just two people to do the work.



2



You and me.



And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Real nice.

Undies 101,398 77
08/03/2006 09:05 AM

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.



On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.



In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.



Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.



What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Answer below:















Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round," you're drunk.

Trae: This Side Up. 156,790 17
08/03/2006 09:17 AM

I got this one :



WOMAN'S POEM

>

> Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man,

>

> who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong.

>

> One who loves to listen long,

>

> One who thinks before he speaks,

>

> One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

>

> I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

>

> Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

>

> Massages my back and begs to do more.

>

> Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

>

> Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

>

> I pray that this man will love me to no end,

>

> And always be my very best friend.

>

> MAN'S POEM

>

> I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

>

Sharribarri 14,124 11
08/03/2006 09:21 AM

Italian Math:

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question, " the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without a numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he

proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine, " says the Italian. "Fair enough, " says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules , but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to

hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but

represent the number 100."



The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the

picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

"Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"



(You're going to love this one!!!)



The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and took a crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,

dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

Miss Bitch 0 0
08/03/2006 09:24 AM

Some of you may know my (soon to be) ex-wife. She had started taking

flying lessons about the time we separated and recently received her

license.







Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she

was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in

South Australia because of bad weather and crashed.







The National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a

preliminary determination citing pilot error contributed to the

accident and Paula was flying a basic model in IFR (instrument flight

rating) conditions whilst only having obtained a VFR (visual flight

rating).







The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel

on board.







No one on the ground was injured.







The attached photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent

of damage to her aircraft.





Image

Miss Bitch 0 0
08/03/2006 09:34 AM

Dogs kill Crocodile



At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and

even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.



The Crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally

considered the "apex predator" in it's natural ecosystem, can still

fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible

due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the fittest pack mentality", bred into the canines over the last several hundreds of years by natural selection.

See the attached remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature

Magazine.



Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the Croc. preventing

it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.



Image

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
08/03/2006 09:38 AM

THE CRASH SCENE IS THE MSN SIGN-IN PAGE?





Damn you, Bill Gates.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
08/03/2006 09:53 AM

I didn't get any in my email inbox, but I did get a text message on my phone:





It costs ten cents to send a text message, which can feed a child in Africa for a week. Send this to seven friends and starve that little Ogden Nash for a week.

Lupience the Dahlia Queen 26,981 11
08/03/2006 10:02 AM

CAT VS DOG DIARIES

>

>As seen in a dog's diary:

>

>7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

>8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

>9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

>Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

>2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

>3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

>4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

>6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

>7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

>8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

>9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

>11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

Lupience the Dahlia Queen 26,981 11
08/03/2006 10:02 AM

>As seen in a cat's diary:

>

>Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with

>bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,

>while I am forced to eat dry morsels. The only thing that keeps me

>going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from

>clawing the furniture.

>

>Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

>

>Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while

>they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the

>stairs.

>

>In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once

>again induced myself to vomit on their new carpet - must try this on

>their bed.

>

>Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt

>to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear

>in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good

>little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan...

>

>There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in

>solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and

>smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was

>due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and

>consider how to use it.

>

>I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches The

>dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is

>obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an

>informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my

>every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety

>is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Midgets 96,092 48
08/03/2006 10:17 AM

**Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." **



*After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!*



*She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

**Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am **I driving?"*



**





**An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. **



*The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way."*



*A few minutes later, the officer radios in.*



*"Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."*

Kürbis geht Esel voran 56,642 8
08/03/2006 11:42 AM

Chix..your story can NEVER be true....NEVER



















Al Gore plays the Ukele not the drums.

Kittuns in a tube 44,835 9
08/03/2006 11:46 AM

You are on a horse galloping at a fast rate of speed.



On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an

elephant traveling at the same speed as you.



Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.



Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.



What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?







If you do not know, see answer below.









































Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round !!

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
08/03/2006 11:49 AM

You are riding on a swan at a very fast rate.



There is a tiger to your right, running at the same rate of speed as you, a lion in front of you and a man-eating beaver behind you. To your left is a precipice. What do you do?





Have your drunk ass read the thread before posting.

Kittuns in a tube 44,835 9
08/03/2006 11:51 AM

That's the only forward that got through my filter. I was instructed to post an email forward.



Why you gotta be a hater?

Queen Buttercup 171,275 14
08/03/2006 11:52 AM

TEXAS - THE BEGINNING



Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was busy at work for six days. Michael the Archangel came upon him as he was resting on the seventh day.



He inquired of God "Where have you been?"



God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."



Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"



"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."



"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.



God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."



The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said "What's that one?"



"Ah," said God, "That's TEXAS -- the most glorious place on earth.



There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from TEXAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."



Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"



God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in AUSTIN."

Kittuns in a tube 44,835 9
08/03/2006 11:57 AM

I feel dirty going into my spam folder.

Midgets 96,092 48
08/03/2006 11:59 AM

Kittuns



I got that exact same email.



Either we have a common stalker or that whole 6 degrees of seperation thing is true.

Kittuns in a tube 44,835 9
08/03/2006 12:02 PM

Do you participate in cocaphony?

Midgets 96,092 48
08/03/2006 12:10 PM

If the definition of cocaphony is touching oneself while whistling show tunes, then yes.



But it's most likely not, therefore I'm undecided.

newwave 45,912 10
08/03/2006 12:17 PM

Swimming With The Alligators



A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing

was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators.

Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his

guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a

million dollars!"



He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made

another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion."

Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a

million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or

Lamborghini".



Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool

hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With

lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at

the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up

to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the

millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"



The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"

Filly 39,193 20
08/03/2006 12:37 PM

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Supercalifragilisticexpinachosdocious 57,521 23
08/03/2006 12:42 PM

I don't receive any jokes via email. I used to, but I villified every person who took it upon themselves to send me useless mails. Now my inbox is rubbish-free.



In fact my inbox is e-mail free.



And has been for several years.



Crap.

BobJohnson, Chancellor of Tralfamadore 178,045 22
08/03/2006 12:43 PM

After the terrible events of 9/11, people were scared and confused. No one knew what to do. But I did. Domain names.



I registered osama.com, osama.net, and osama.org. Then I was like, "Sorry, they're not for sale. You have to be osama1."

Sarah is a great tipper. 30,601 8
08/03/2006 01:08 PM

All I get is Jesus chain letters about God loving me or something.



Sigh.

Licka Ninevolt 80,728 42
08/03/2006 01:10 PM

My ex emailed me to say to stop calling her.



































HAHAHAHAHAHA!



Oh. It wasn't a joke.

Red Stripe! It's Phla! Hooray Phla! 131,068 34
08/03/2006 01:29 PM

Sensationall revoolution in medicine!



E''nlarge your p''enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches!



Its h'erbal solution what hasnt side effect, but has 100% guaranted

results!



Dont lose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be

impressed with results!



Clisk here: http://inconplaza.com

SAVVY: Knife Thrower 4,599 8
08/03/2006 01:29 PM

My current ordered me to hop a plane to Michigan and Frost him silly.













Now that was a joke.

Ditdah 123,110 14
08/03/2006 02:16 PM

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was

walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying

all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his

books on a Friday? He must really be a

nerd."



I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends

tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.



As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him,

knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the

dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten

feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible

sadness in his eyes.



My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around

looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his

glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He

looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It

was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.



I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned

out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He

said he had gone to private school before now.

Ditdah 123,110 14
08/03/2006 02:16 PM

I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all

the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty

cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my

friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know

Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.



Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.

I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious

muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and

handed me half the books.



Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were

seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I

was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles

would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for

business on a football scholarship.



Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a

nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me

having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked

great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high

school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates

than I had and all the girls loved him.

Boy, sometimes I was jealous.



Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his

speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be

great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one)

and smiled. "Thanks," he said.

Ditdah 123,110 14
08/03/2006 02:17 PM

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a

time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your

parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your

friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is

the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."



I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first

day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of

how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later

and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little

smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the

unspeakable."



I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy

told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me

and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize

it's depth.



Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you

can change a person's life. For better or for worse.

Ditdah 123,110 14
08/03/2006 02:18 PM

BWAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHH!

Mr Fook 4,016 9
08/03/2006 02:38 PM

BWAHHAAHAH





That's it? That's all you got?

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
08/03/2006 03:12 PM

<action>knocks the books out of Ditdah's arms</action>

kyoshi 85 6
08/03/2006 03:16 PM

A Scottish man had just immigrated to the USA and was invited to attend his first baseball game ever. The sport proved confusing to the man and he so he took to cheering when the crowed cheered. He noticed that they boo'd when the guy with the oddly shaped stick didn't hit the ball that was thrown at him. They cheered and clapped when he did.



The next batter was up and the scottsman was getting into the game. The batter popped a fly ball to right feild and feilder missed the catch. The scottsman yelled with the crowed, "move your arse lad!". Safe at first...



The next batter came up and 1...2...3...4.. the umpire tells the batter to take his base. The batter begins to saunter towards first. The Scottsman is on his feet once again yelling, "Move your arse, lad, pick up da pass". The spectator infront of him turns around and goes, "sir, calm down, he got four balls".



The scottsman thinks for a moment and screams again, "Walk with pride, lad, walk with pride".

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
08/03/2006 03:19 PM

Dear Rid,



FedEx is introducing the new E-mail Subscription Center. Now it's simple to manage all your FedEx e-mail communications, right from one secure location. Even better, update your preferences by Sept. 15 and you'll have a chance at some great prizes, too!





Hah! My name isn't Rid!

Just plain ole turtle 42,578 26
08/03/2006 03:53 PM

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."- Matthew 16:25



"Porque el que quiera salvar su vida, la perder; pero el que pierda su vida por mi causa, la encontrar."- Mateo 16:25

Miss Bitch 0 0
08/03/2006 08:07 PM

Dogs Kill Crocodile

Miss Bitch 0 0
08/03/2006 08:28 PM

Ex Wife Crash Scene

Return of the son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
08/03/2006 08:32 PM

This one's pretty stupid:



A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.



"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."



So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.



He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it



.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

At two seconds the Baileys curdles...

At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.



This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"



She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge!"

kyoshi 85 6
08/04/2006 04:10 AM

These were taken from a book called Disorder in American Courts.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was

doing an autopsy on him!

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Kürbis geht Esel voran 56,642 8
08/04/2006 11:18 AM

Subject: How To Stop Church Gossip



Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the

congregation's' morals, kept sticking her nose into other

people's business.



Several members did not approve of her extra curricular

activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.



She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new

member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup

parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that

everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.



George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment,

just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend

or deny. He said nothing.



Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of

Mildred's house....walked home....and left it there all night.



Don't ya just love ol' George

Plain Ol' Chance 171,275 14
08/04/2006 01:25 PM

9 Things I Hate About Everyone







1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?









2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.









3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?









4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!









5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.









6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.









8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?









9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?









*** Forward this to at least 11 people and see what comes on your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I don't know how...

dapinklady 461 7
08/08/2006 05:22 PM

Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

The husband says "sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me"

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

The moral of the story:

Men who are ungreatful bastards should remember - fairies are Frost-ing female!

dapinklady 461 7
08/08/2006 05:26 PM

Mad Mary was speeding around the mantal hospital as usual in her wheelchair.



Mad Joe stopped her and asked for her licence, "Shakespeare" she said and sped off around another corner.



Mad Jim then stopped her and asked for insurance, "Frost" she said and took off at speed.



Rounding a corner she met Big John standing stark naked with a massive erection, "Oh no!" she says "Not the breathaliser again!"

dapinklady 461 7
08/08/2006 05:44 PM

This came in a text message:



Youve got class

Youve got style

A gorgeous ass

and a sexy smile

Your voice could wake my heart from slumber

oh bolloks, wrong Frost-ing number.

Bean 8,602 19
08/08/2006 05:49 PM

A West Texas Cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when

suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban

sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his

peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

Bean 8,602 19
08/08/2006 05:50 PM

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.



He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hiShakespeareech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and

says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says

the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and

looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly

what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"



You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.



"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........Now give me back my dog."

Pumpkin 3.14159265..... 56,642 8
08/11/2006 09:46 AM

<action> bumps 'cause this one was sort of funny</action>

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.



The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."



The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold

glass of Coke, "On my bill."



As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.



Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.



Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."