To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/13/2006 05:11 AM

I thought about making the kid come take care of it herself but she's only 5. Is this something the wife should be doing? One of the kids? Nah, better man up. This is my baby. One more penis-penalty in the big game of life.



So, I decide to do the grossest thing I've ever done in my life. I get a plastic surgical glove, flush, then when the water is at it's lowest, I reach down and grab the snake by the head.



GOOD GOOGLY MOOGLY. What I pulled out was like 10 to 12 inches of the fattest hardest turd in all human history. No wonder it wouldn't make the turn. It was wedged there like a steel bar. Well, I didn't have a second glove, so on the fly, I could think of nothing else to do but just to break it into smaller more flushable pieces with the one hand. Two flushes later, Frankenturd was well on his way to the Atlantic ocean. I turned the glove inside out. Washed my hands like thirty times. Took out the bathroom garbage with the glove in it. Washed my hands a couple more times, then went to the kitchen to mix a stiff drink.



Bout that time, the kid came into the kitchen. "Night Mr. Chickens. Sleep tight." She puts out her arms for a hug. Gently, very gently, I give Dr. Frankenturd a hug, hoping not to squeeze any more monsters out.



One horror a night is all I can handle.

To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/13/2006 05:12 AM

<action> cant wait to shake everyone's hand in Gablanta

Chit 178,781 15
08/13/2006 05:20 AM

Dude, you got to throw the little rascles a little fiber every now and then with their gruel.

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
08/13/2006 05:21 AM

My wife's dog ate an entire nylon leash once and it got stuck somewhere in the plumbing. The Vet wanted to wait before operating and the dog couldn't keep anything down so that evening the wife ducked out for a class and I spent it giving the dog water and massaging it's belly. 40 some odd bowls of water, 40+ barfs later and it was all out of his system.



I have never seen so much vomit in my life. I've never cleaned up so much vomit in my life.

Chit 178,781 15
08/13/2006 05:25 AM

I had a lizard that must have eaten a piece of nylon strapping from a package I left out on the floor once.







It was hanging out of her ass about 10-12 inches and she had no clue for over a day.

BlueLep 13,144 10
08/13/2006 05:32 AM

My toliet backed up before and there must have been weeks of Shakespeare and piss all over the floor trailing out to the living room.



I just called the mexican maid service to come over and clean it up. Only problem was that I needed new carpet.

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
08/13/2006 05:34 AM

Oh wait there was the time the Dog, who must be crated still, got sick and had diarrhea whilst in his cage one night and filled the bottom of it about a half inch deep then struggled cause he didn't want to be standing in it and splattered it all over the wall and carpet for us to clean up in the morning.



The following morning was a repeat only I had the forsight to put his cage on the lenoleum floor in the front hall so in the morning I just drug his cage, with him in, outside into the front yard and hosed everything down.



The best part was that I was running late for work and had a could not miss meeting so I cleaned myself up as best I could but couldn't take a shower so I had doggie fecal residue on me all day.

Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
08/13/2006 05:36 AM

You people are gross, I'm going back to bed.

supergrover 4,517 9
08/13/2006 08:19 AM

I have never seen so much vomit in my life. I've never cleaned up so much vomit in my life.



You've never been to a real party in your life.















I had doggie fecal residue on me all day.



Statement withdrawn.

mm, sucking up to ditdah 2,881 7
08/13/2006 10:13 AM

When my son was a baby, he got the flu. I had just picked him up, and was talking soothingly to him, when he puked in my open mouth. Yum.





Before my mom died, she was sick for years. At the last, she was constantly impacted. Every 3-4 days, I had to go over, put on a glove, and dig it out. Good times.

Sage of Seattle (Stridently Salacious) 36,465 8
08/13/2006 12:16 PM

It was hanging out of her ass about 10-12 inches and she had no clue for over a day.



Yeah, but did you?

Return of the son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
08/13/2006 01:20 PM

I got married. Isn't that bad enough?

To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/13/2006 02:53 PM

Actually, now that I think about it, several years ago I wormed a Brittany Spaniel I had. Next thing I know, she is out in the back yard dragging her butt across the yard. I was working in the yard with my yard gloves on, so when I walked over to her and saw the spagetti hanging out of her ass, I helped her purge by grabbing a handfull and pulling out like 10 feet of tapeworm.



Tossed those gloves too.

To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/13/2006 02:54 PM

Say, anybody coming to Gablanta want to get fisted?

I'm the Taconaut, Bitch! 61,976 36
08/13/2006 02:55 PM

<action>Vomits</action>

showmaster 4,754 0
08/13/2006 02:55 PM

Christ Chickens I'm eating!



































And now I want spaghetti instead of this sandwich I made. Jerk.

Big Boobs McGee 6,369 10
08/13/2006 03:35 PM

My cat once ate a long peice of elastic waistband. Of course it ended up dangling from her brown eye, so I gloved up. I was trying to pull it out, but it was pretty stuck, all the while my cat was making a noise like an excited cow. It seemed like the end of it was stuck, so I pulled, and since it was elastic, it came flying at me when it came out, and the end if it hit me in teh face. Niiiice.

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
08/13/2006 03:39 PM

Why isn't there a "that's funny but mainly cause you're a dumbass" button?

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
08/13/2006 03:42 PM

This isn't really that gross. For me at least. My ex girlfriend was giving me head in her mom's car. I came in her eye. She freaked the Frost out, screaming, and all. I didn't know what to do. She was all yelling and Shakespeare, and we were parked in a supermarket parking lot, so people were starting to look (it was noonish). Anyway, I ended up having to go and buy her a bottle of water from the store. Me and Mrs. Beater laugh at this story all the time because all of my friends always bring it up.

Return of the son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
08/13/2006 03:43 PM

I licked peanut butter from the anus of a dog for $550.

To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/13/2006 05:17 PM

Man, that's no way to talk about Jane.

Declan McManus as Yaskov 131,887 36
08/13/2006 05:23 PM

Do any of you really want me to answer this?

Filly 39,193 20
08/13/2006 05:27 PM

Yes.

Return of the son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
08/13/2006 05:28 PM

Think about that for a second, Filly. Look who is asking that.



The correct answer is "NO NO PLEASE GOD NO MY EYES!!!".

Filly 39,193 20
08/13/2006 05:30 PM

Oh, I did. I figured the story would be worth the Clorox it takes to get the images out later.

Return of the son of The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
08/13/2006 05:32 PM

There's not enough clorox in the world.

Declan McManus as Yaskov 131,887 36
08/13/2006 05:36 PM

Where are my orbs?







I'll tell, with all the details, if I don't get some orbs in the previous post.

Filly 39,193 20
08/13/2006 05:36 PM

Hell no. You'll get the orbs if your story deserves them.

Declan McManus as Yaskov 131,887 36
08/13/2006 05:41 PM

You were much nicer when you were a dude, dude.

Filly 39,193 20
08/13/2006 05:41 PM

I just want to make the pain of Clorox worth it.

To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/13/2006 06:06 PM

I wonder if he's taking the time to type out a long one.

Declan McManus as Yaskov 131,887 36
08/13/2006 06:22 PM

All right now. Are you sitting comfortably? Here is one of Unca Declan's Gross Stories.



"Unca Declan and The Rat."



It was winter term 1979. The quarter had just started, and I was back in college.



My Work-Study was in one of the dining halls. I was a Cooks Help. Well, that was my title, anyway.



One afternoon, I was told to go to the pantry and get a crate of macaroni.



I turn on the light, and I see a RAT. Rat, not a mouse.



Being somewhat brave then, I cornered the beast, and I killed it.



I was wearing some really lovely new Craftsman steel toed workboots that day. Oil resistant sole, 8 inch shaft.....



Stomped that sucker real good!



Dining service refused to reimburse. Until I left them on the director's desk one night. (It pays to blow the campus cops.)





And that, children, was "Unca Declan and The Rat."

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
08/13/2006 07:05 PM

First!





to 5-orb Unca Declan.

Filly 39,193 20
08/13/2006 07:07 PM

Pssh. I didn't even need the Clorox. I was picturing something along the lines of Queen Trixxie's doorknob incident.

ThirstyMcsurly, best served on the rocks 4,444 12
08/13/2006 07:11 PM

dooty

TableTopJane 173,958 15
08/13/2006 07:45 PM

Hang on, Declan. That story didn't involve fisting at all. I'm confuzled.

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
08/13/2006 08:05 PM

I read my brother's story and thought, "Shakespeare, I would have just hosed the boots off and forgotten about it."



Then it occurred to me what else Declan would have been doing with those boots.



Now I need the clorox.

Pram Sandwich 80,728 42
08/13/2006 09:40 PM

You people are gross, I'm going back to bed.



Sounds like you got owned!



(Owned, owned, owned.)

Yorkie Thompson, Jr. 60,724 12
08/13/2006 09:48 PM

This isn't really terribly relevant, but I just found a potato in the back of one of my cupboards.



This is not abnormal. The abnormal thing is that this is not the cupboard where I keep potatoes (and there's no chance of it getting misplaced, I keep my kitchen very organized, plus, it's just one in it's own bag). And Roommate, well, he lives solely off of macaroni and weed, which is not an exaggeration in the slightest.





So what this confusing block of text means is that the potato that I just pulled out from the cupboard has been there since the previous renters. It was mushy, and probably twice the size of what it originally was.



Which is gross. And unsettling. If they missed a Frost-ing potato, what the hell else am I going to find in this place?

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
08/13/2006 11:37 PM

Look closer. It's probably the head of a midget.



And why do boots have an "8 inch shaft" ?

Sniper In The Clocktower 430 6
08/14/2006 04:28 AM

My wife's dog ate an entire nylon leash once and it got stuck somewhere in the plumbing





Though he was talking about the dog for a moment

Phuc 237,919 21
08/14/2006 09:07 AM

I liked the rat story. I would've liked a description of what the rat looked like after tuns o' fun gave him the boot, though.



I'll 5orb that fer a doller.

Chickens Floating Belly Up 286,539 61
08/14/2006 09:12 AM

Why would you toss a perfectly good pair of steel toed workboots? They performed like a champ and had years of use ahead of them. I would have had "The Ratkillers" branded on them and worn them with pride.

Phuc 237,919 21
08/14/2006 09:17 AM

Right after I dropped out of high school, I got a job in a "textile factory." I use the quotes because I'm still not sure what it is that we cut up and put in boxes--kind of like handi-wipes but Shakespearetier.



Anyway, the warehouse had no bathroom, so we peed in the boiler room. After my 2.5 years there, the funk was a morninng wakeup stronger than espresso and a 44DDDD boob slap.



I mostly drove the forklift (great job for an unlicensed 17 year old) and once froze part of my hand fixing a leaky propane tank. (that's not too gross. sorry)



I got to see one guy get a pinky chopped off on band saw and another guy get a fist-sized chunck of his calf get ripped out when he backed into a large exposed fan belt thingie.



But the grossest thing was having to listen to this retard brag about how he abused and molested his monstrously fat girlfriend's kids.



After two days of that, I called the cops and they took the kids away.



I think they're gabbers now.

Pumpkin 3.14159265..... 56,642 8
08/14/2006 11:44 AM

I had a job interview in an hour, so of course that was the time my three dumb mutts decieded to take on a family (FAMILY=4) of skunks.

Had to chase the mutts down, hose them down as best I could and lock them up in the barn until I got back.

At the interview the Manager kept looking around and wrinkling his nose. At one point, he actually said "Do you smell that? Huh, I must've stepped in dog Shakespeare on the way in, sorry."

TorchAteTeen 3,239 8
08/14/2006 12:04 PM

The case of the cok-eyed tail



My dog will eat anything. Socks, undies...you name it and it has passed through his stomach. However, sometimes he requires a little "ass-isstance". One afternoon, my dog limped passed me, hanging his head and holding his tail at a 45 degree angle off of his rear end. Figuring he may need to go to the bathroom, we went outside. Rather than the normal squat, he started rolling around and grinding his ass on the ground. Still uncomfortable, he came up to me (this is no lie), put his paw on my leg and then turned around and put his rear end in my face. He even let out a little bark as if to ask me for help. I ended up sticking 2 fingers (with gloves) in his "hole" and basically prying a twig out of his butt. Though this was a low-point in our relationship, I am happy to say we have grown closer as a result of it.

Chickens Floating Belly Up 286,539 61
08/14/2006 12:12 PM

At my actual job, I remember one Monday morning showing up at my first real job office to find a dead English Sheepdog on our doorstep. The dog had been hit by a car and had left a bloody trail across the parking lot, up the steps, and to our front stoop where it laid down and died.



My boss was sitting out the door of his Alpha Romeo puking at the site. He was near tears with no idea how to fix this horrible mess. I took one look at him, walked over the dog, took it by the tail, and drug it out into the woods behind the office. Pulled the hose around the side of the building and hozed off the stoop and steps.



I got a $100 bonus in my paycheck and the boss never mentioned it.

Chickens Floating Belly Up 286,539 61
08/14/2006 12:13 PM

Torch, I'm gonna give you a three clicker despite my first inclination to scream bullShakespeare that you went bumhole diving on your dog without knowing there was something in there that needed extracting.

TorchAteTeen 3,239 8
08/14/2006 12:16 PM

Torch, I'm gonna give you a three clicker despite



If you knew my dog, this story wouldn't surprise you. I guess "loyal" goes both ways.

Chickens Floating Belly Up 286,539 61
08/14/2006 12:16 PM

And, I think I've mentioned before the most humbling moment of my life when I had my hand up a goat's cooch trying to turn a kid at 2 am of a February morning with the temp below zero while the back of my mind was screaming

1. degree from a major university,

2. four business liscenses,

3. people are trusting you with their life savings

4. you have your hand up a goat's cooter.

Chickens Floating Belly Up 286,539 61
08/14/2006 12:17 PM

Wait, this was a female dog and she was in heat, right?



Sure she had a "stick" up her ass.



We know all about your loyalties, creepo.

mm, sucking [up to] sage 2,881 7
08/14/2006 12:24 PM

The rat story was nothing.



When I was a teenager, our washer and dryer was in the basement, which you accessed from outside. I walked barefoot down the steps, opened the door, then stepped down the last step into the basement, which was a much higher step. My bare foot landed right on a frog, spewing its guts out of its mouth. Still alive, it tried to pick up the guts (which were still attached inside him) with its front paws and hop away. I felt sorry for it, so I picked up a paint can and smashed its head in good for it. No need for it to suffer.



I suppose the fact that I did NOT continue to watch it suffer, and laugh, makes me a bad gabber, and makes this post more appropriate for the most embarrassing stories thread.

TorchAteTeen 3,239 8
08/14/2006 12:26 PM

We know all about your loyalties, creepo.



No...he's a male.

&

No! Nobody could be THAT loyal!

(at least not outside the house...)

The one that broke the camel's back 98,000 37
08/14/2006 12:29 PM

One of the best websites that ever existed and is now shut down was Strange Foreign Objects in Dog Feces.

Gorcky Thatcher 41,132 13
08/14/2006 12:39 PM

My wife lost a ring once. I broke open turds from the three dogs we had at the time for a few days before it turned up behind a couch.

Pumpkin 3.14159265..... 56,642 8
08/14/2006 12:42 PM

Along the sick kid thread...

My twins caught flu last year, and so did I.

Since "Daddy is sick and not going to work, Daddy should stay up with the kids" my wife deciedes.

In short, 7 hours of the following:



My son: SCREAM...PUKE

Me: "It's ok! It's Ok! Oh...ok, let me clean you up a bit...ohh..Dayddy's not feeling..."PUKE

My daughter: SCREAM....PUKE

Me: "It's ok! It's Ok! Oh...ok, let me clean you up a bit...ohh..Dayddy's not feeling..."PUKE



Repeat.

Phuc 237,919 21
08/14/2006 12:50 PM

Oh Shakespeare! It's Mr. Creosote!!!

Pumpkin 3.14159265..... 56,642 8
08/14/2006 01:10 PM

Yes, Phuc..But thiner....(Not "Waif-er thin" but not of his mass either)



What I learned from that experience....Ikia sells these "pocket bibs" of a molded plastic so the pocket's always open..>Those are a gods send when you've not got a bucket near by.

Chickens Floating Belly Up 286,539 61
08/14/2006 01:23 PM

Awesome, Gork

Caga Palo 683 7
08/14/2006 05:56 PM

I used to work at a hospital cooking food for the patients. Well one day I was delivering the food trays to the patient's rooms and I walked into a room that had a gigantic women who weighed at least 750 pounds. Well as soon as I got off of the staff elevator I could smell the strong sent of Shakespeare in the air. As I got closer to her room I could tell it was from her. I walked into the room with her and tray and noticed that she was so large that she couldn't lay down in her bed because she would physically choke to death from her own neck fat choking her. To get back to the story she couldn't walk either so every time she had to take a Shakespeare she would just take a Shakespeare right on herself. Pretty much like Tubgirl but larger. Well with the good luck that I have, the nurse asked if I could help roll the lady over and take out the bed sheets covered in Shakespeare. As soon as I left her room I started throwing up all over the hallway. It was the nastiest thing I've ever had to do.

Plain Ol' Chance 171,275 14
08/14/2006 05:59 PM

Get to the part where you Frosted her.

Caga Palo 683 7
08/14/2006 06:01 PM

Okay I have to be honest I thought she was so sexy that I wanted to Frost all of her fat rolls. Every single one of them.

Bieze 1,382 7
08/14/2006 06:11 PM

Stand by your log

And show the world you love it

Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
08/14/2006 06:11 PM

The last time I went to the hospital, like a month ago, the first night I was in there I was up reading a book and watching tv when the nurse looked like she was bringing in some drunk guy to sleep with me. I had already seen some of his antics down in the emergency room so I just thought to myself "Well, this is just great."



But luckily for me he seemed to pass out as soon as he got into the bed. So I stayed awake for another hour or so and finally went to bed. Around 6 am, I hear him calling for the nurse on the little radio thing-a-majigger and he exclaimed "I have to go to the bathroom." "Ok, we'll be right there." All of that happened in the first 10 seconds of me waking up.



About another 5 seconds passed before I was met with the worst smell of my life. I recognized that the man didn't need to go, but that he already had gone to the bathroom, most likely all over himself.

Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
08/14/2006 06:11 PM

Another 5 seconds pass by and I'm already up getting dressed to get out of the room to request another room where my roommate doesn't soil himself.



About another 30 seconds pass by and the nurse comes in and says "Oh. My. God." I pull back my curtain and see that somehow the man didn't Shakespeare himself, but that somehow, someway he projectile Shakespeareted about 3 feet from where his bed was. And it was a huge splatter of liquified Shakespeare all over the place.



Thankfully, my bed was the closest to the exit and as I'm walking out I loudly say "I'm going to . . . *BLEAH* . . . need a . . . *BLEAH* . . . new room!" *BLEAH*



So the nurses needed to clean up his Shakespeare and my puke. I'm pretty sure the afternoon nurses heard about that one.

Caga Palo 683 7
08/14/2006 06:20 PM

Get to the part where you Frosted him!

The High Priestess of Stewie 58,948 29
08/24/2006 10:56 PM

I fished a friend's pad out of a toilet of pee. I win.

Return of the Son of the Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
08/25/2006 12:07 AM

I can top that. I married a GABBER and got her pregnant.



But what's worse is my wife is having a GABBER's baby.



Top THAT bitches!

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
08/25/2006 12:09 AM

I had to unclog a hotel toilet with a toothbrush.

Thud 68,497 19
08/25/2006 12:28 AM

The grossest thing I've ever done? My ex-wife



Helped move the body of a head-shot suicide. Plus got to help collect skull fragments and tissue chunks for evidence.

To Be Chickens or not To Be Chickens 286,539 61
08/25/2006 06:16 AM

this is an awesome friday thread

Midgets 96,092 48
08/25/2006 08:40 AM

Helped move the body of a head-shot suicide. Plus got to help collect skull fragments and tissue chunks for evidence.





So you also married a Gabber?

Robin® 14,626 10
08/25/2006 09:40 AM

When I worked in "Babies'R'Us" (we sold baby implements not the babies themselves) We had a Gentle snowflake come in with her family. While they were returning items at customer service the girl proceeds to PEE all over the floor. I was elected to mop it up.

Robin® 14,626 10
08/25/2006 09:42 AM

There was another incedednt involving Shakespeare too, but I just realized, in my new job I'll be handling that all the time.



The only plus side is it'll be astronaut eleminations and blood.

Pram Apple Splatters 80,728 42
08/26/2006 12:21 PM

I mopped Shakespeare off the floor, the walls, the ceiling.. And every reflective surface in the Toys R Us bathroom. It was like Goatse exploded in there.