Lost cause 482 6
08/18/2006 06:36 PM

What crazy talk have your elders engaged in?



You're my son and I love you.

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
08/18/2006 06:37 PM

My stepfather:



"Why don't you use your head for something besides a hatrack?"



"That's too far from your heart to kill you." [regarding any injury not serious to warrant calling an ambulance].



"People are dying to get in that place." [when driving past a cemetary].



"Get over here, you bastard, so I can kick your ass both ways to Sunday." [breakfast conversation with me].

The L Spot 48,662 14
08/18/2006 06:45 PM

Why just today, I did a blog about a dumb thing I overheard a father say to a kid at the airport.



SETTING: At the snack bar, just inside the security checkpoint at Terminal 3



Daddy: Ok, what do you guys want? Mommy said that you can't have sweets, only muffins or croissants.



Kid: I want an apple.



Daddy: NO! Mommy said only a muffin or a croissant because she doesn't want you eating too many sweets so early! So, what do you want? They've got chocolate chip muffins or chocolate croissants. Pick one.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
08/18/2006 06:45 PM

I say "I'll (keyword) you face" to my mum, because it makes her all flustered and frustrated.



My dad says all kinds of generally insane things, because he's eighty and I think he's starting to go senile. Usually, it's just long boring stories and then sometimes, out of now where, some unusual anecdote.



Here is an average conversation:



Me: "Hey Dad, how are you?"



Dad: "Fine, blue eyes" (My eyes are brown. He knows this.) starts to him the song with the lyrics "Five foot two, eyes of blue, has anybody seen my girl? (I am 5"2' so it half fits)



Me: I'm on my way to work, could you move your car for me so I can get out?



Dad: Sure, sure. Gotta get to work. stands. Doesn't move.



Me: The car?



Dad: Always in a hurry! Like old Albie up on the mountain. Ate a whole onion chopped and fried every day, old Albie. A WHOLE ONION! Chopped and fried, that Albie. . .



Me: Fine. I'll get mum to move your car.



Dad: Everyday! A whole onion! He'd just eat it up. . .chopped and fried. . .every day. . .old Albie on the mountain. . .

Pram Sandwich 80,728 42
08/18/2006 07:21 PM

Me (going down the swear words list, making sure they still work) "Frost, Shakespeare, piss, damn, hell".



Mom: "Stop swearing, you sound like a little... A little.. baby!"



Me: "Is that why they call it 'adult language'? Frost you, Mom."



Mom:(getting really flustered) Frostin'...YOU'N.



Me. "I win again!"

Sage of Seattle (Stridently Salacious) 36,465 8
08/18/2006 07:27 PM

<action>high fives Pram</action>You pwned your mom, man! Righteous!

Chit 178,781 15
08/18/2006 08:04 PM

It seems that balance was much harder to come by when my dad was a kid.



Every time I ever hinted at wanting something as a child, he would come back at me with as much sarcasm as he could muster and say, "Sure, we'll get you two, one for each hand."



I would also like to point out that although I was often accused of it, I don't ever recall really playing grab-ass with my sister.



Damn Perv.

Why I ought to...

Sage of Seattle (Stridently Salacious) 36,465 8
08/18/2006 08:13 PM

My parents never said anything particularly stupid or repetitive.



I, on the other hand, go out of my way to say stupid things to my daughter, partially to embarrass her now because I'm not going to survive her teen years due to the stress (yeah, I've seen how some of you women have grown up and what you did in high school).



One of my favorite stupid things to say is, after she bumps her arm or gets some other minor scrape, "See? God's getting even with you for disobeying me."



Or, when I'm talking with someone and I sneeze, I look up at the other person and casually say, "Oh, wow, I guess I'm allergic to bullShakespeare."



So, now you know why I have no friends.

Chit 178,781 15
08/18/2006 08:25 PM

I'm allergic to bullShakespeare."



So, now you know why I have no friends wife.





There, fixed it for ya.

Sage of Seattle (Stridently Salacious) 36,465 8
08/18/2006 08:47 PM

Chit, man, thanks bro. Once again, you arrow right to the truth.

Cantremember 658 7
08/18/2006 10:11 PM

I thought my name was "get me a beer" until I was 13...

Loopy pooping on Taco and Beebs' face 6,902 12
08/18/2006 10:12 PM

Regarding Doctors, my grandpa always said "If you've got a hole, they've got a tube for it"

Pram Sandwich 80,728 42
08/19/2006 12:21 AM

Me:(with my little brother in tow) "Hey Mom, say lettuce and spell cup"



Mom: "Luttuce g-l-a-s-s"



Me: MOOO-OOOM...



Me: "Hey Dad, say lettuce and spell cup"



Dad: "Lettuce m-u-g"



Me: "DAAAA-AAAAD"

Robin® 14,626 10
08/19/2006 12:24 AM

My father: I hope you never thought that just because I was addicted to sex, I would molest you. I hope that's not why you got fat.









I have such a tactful parent.

Sage of Seattle (Primoris Ego Seductor Femininae) 36,465 8
08/19/2006 12:33 AM

Hey Pram, I've got a little game for ya. Form a sentence from the following words: Frost-ing, you're, loser, a.



Kinda reminds you of home, doesn't it?

Pram Sandwich 80,728 42
08/19/2006 12:38 AM

A loser you're Frost-ing?



Nope. Haven't had sex in three years. Sayyyy, your memory is a bit fuzzy, isn't it? Are you sure you're not describing your latest conquest?

Sage of Seattle (Primoris Ego Seductor Femininae) 36,465 8
08/19/2006 12:43 AM

Ouch.

Bean 8,602 19
08/19/2006 01:44 AM

While I was waiting in line at MCDONALDS, I heard a parent say this to her child...



"Now you're going to get REAL food, none of that junk"

newwave 45,912 10
08/19/2006 01:53 AM

"I'll (keyword) you!"



My grandpa was fond of this one, and its bastard variant, "I got your (keyword)!" as in "I could go for a sandwich." "I got your sandwich!"



Until my cousin called him a dick. As soon as he replied "I got your dick!" he knew it was over. "Well give it back, ya pervert!"



Maybe that's what's wrong with me...

SAVIORA, Cutlery Expert 4,599 8
08/19/2006 12:14 PM

Can I have your dick?

Cjad the Nord 390 6
08/19/2006 12:20 PM

"Cjad, get off the dog!"

Midgets-stalking Paddington Bear 96,092 48
08/19/2006 12:22 PM

Dad: I wouldn't lie to you Tommy.



Me: My name isn't Tommy.



Dad: Well, I guess I would lie to you then.

Stooge 2.34 22,222 17
08/19/2006 12:35 PM

For some reason my Dad has to say the word, Toyota... Ty-ota.



I often wonder what happend to the first "o".



Oh he always says something like this:



" Bill Gates has more money then Carter has Liver Pills."



or



" That tire has more holes in it then Carter has Liver Pills."



One day I said, "Dad who the Frost is Carter?"



He said, "Some guy who used to sell liver pills."

Midgets-stalking Paddington Bear 96,092 48
08/19/2006 08:21 PM

Dad: Did you know 75% of guys play with themselves in the shower?



Me: No.



Dad: The other 25% hum. Do you know what they hum?



Me: No



Dad: Didn't think so.

Pram Sandwich 80,728 42
08/20/2006 12:18 AM

They hum on their dick.