Phuc 237,919 21
09/01/2006 09:36 AM

Get him this.

syncope 49,019 14
09/01/2006 09:39 AM

I was already forced to take my pessimist's mug home.

Phuc 237,919 21
09/01/2006 09:41 AM

I managed to keep my "Frost You. I'm reading the Onion" mug for almost a year before someone actually read it.

Aimless 54,807 10
09/01/2006 09:42 AM

I can't remember how the conversation went but my boss said I was a really good fluffer once to a client.







*For those not familiar with porn a "fluffer" is the person who gets the men "ready" for their scene.

syncope 49,019 14
09/01/2006 09:43 AM

You read onions? Is that like reading tea leaves?



I guess the thing that puts me over the edge here is "we may need it for later." When, exactly? Are we about to have some sort of explosive decompression in corporate morale? Will it REALLY help anything when I come sprinting back from Kinko's with a soaring eagle?

syncope 49,019 14
09/01/2006 09:43 AM

That's because you're a fluffer. And a damn good one.

Jolson 16,163 11
09/01/2006 09:43 AM

I think this one is more befitting what his boss wants.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
09/01/2006 09:45 AM

When I did porn sites, my boss came screaming into the cube farm yelling:



"TURN OFF THE FEED FROM AMSTERDAM!!"



Apparently the actresses were getting a bit randy with an object that wasn't a sex toy or a man-dooblerdoo.



Zucchini.

sharri 14,124 11
09/01/2006 09:45 AM

Turkeys fly. Eagles soar.

syncope 49,019 14
09/01/2006 09:47 AM

Here's the finished product of my corporate shil-ness.

BlueLep will kill you in your sleep 13,144 10
09/01/2006 09:50 AM

"Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines."

Sarah, plain and not so tall. 30,601 8
09/01/2006 09:50 AM

You read onions? Is that like reading tea leaves?



Did you just get the internet yesterday?

syncope 49,019 14
09/01/2006 09:51 AM

No. I discovered the internet about the same time your sarcasm detector crapped out.

BlueLep will kill you in your sleep 13,144 10
09/01/2006 09:51 AM

For those not familiar with porn



If you are on GAB, and not familiar with porn, you don't belong here...

Bankey 70,843 10
09/01/2006 09:52 AM

Now add Dick Cheney with a shotgun and you've got COMEDY GOLD!

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
09/01/2006 09:52 AM

Here's the finished product of my corporate shil-ness.



You could totally draw some subtle lines around the hole in the clouds to make a goatse reference.

Aimless 54,807 10
09/01/2006 09:53 AM

Not a conversation with my boss but no one stays on topic anyway...



I was sick on a day that I needed to give a presentation to a client so I just wasn't in the "Sell it!" mode. In the office design I used birtch doors staind a really vibrant red and there were a hundred things I could have said to sell those red doors.



Instead I said, "I thought the red doors would be great becasue they are really easy to see".



You know, in case an emplyoyee losses his mind and needs to find his way out of the building.

syncope 49,019 14
09/01/2006 09:54 AM

Were you designing an office for sparrows?

Phuc 237,919 21
09/01/2006 09:55 AM

I'm not good at corporate-speak.

Aimless 54,807 10
09/01/2006 09:55 AM

birtch = birch.

Sarah, plain and not so tall. 30,601 8
09/01/2006 09:59 AM

No. I discovered the internet about the same time your sarcasm detector crapped out.



And I discovered that your jokes are lame.

Aimless 54,807 10
09/01/2006 10:00 AM

I love it when n00bs bash eachother.



It's like watching retards fight.

Bankey 70,843 10
09/01/2006 10:01 AM

CRIPPLE FIGHT! CRIPPLE FIGHT!

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
09/01/2006 10:01 AM

My boss: Hi! How was your week-end?



Me: Hi. It was good, how was yours?



My boss: Good. I went to the movies on Saturday, I saw "Gladiator".



Me: Was it good?



My boss: Very. I love movies about gladiators.



Me: ...

syncope 49,019 14
09/01/2006 10:01 AM

I love it when n00bs bash eachother.



I remember back in the day when we had pee tubes to fill. I just lurked like a good little noob should.

Jolson 16,163 11
09/01/2006 10:03 AM

Speaking of retard fights...







Some local radio station is advertising an event here in Orlando called "Extreme Midget Wrestling". They throw two midgets in a cage-match ring, give them staple guns and mini pizza cutters, and let 'em loose upon one another.



It's like Thunderdome only without Tina Turner and pig Shakespeare.

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
09/01/2006 10:04 AM

Syncope, don't let the bashing get you down.

Take that which comes against you and use it to lift you higher.

Bankey 70,843 10
09/01/2006 10:05 AM

Holy Shakespeare that was inspiring!

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
09/01/2006 10:06 AM

<action>Cums against syncote</action>



Now lift yourself higher, mother-Froster.

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
09/01/2006 10:06 AM

syncote=syncope.

Aimless 54,807 10
09/01/2006 10:08 AM

I would pay good money to watch midgets wrestle.



But only if they are caged. Those little Frosters freak me out when they are running around. There should be a leash law for midgets.

Midgets 96,092 48
09/01/2006 10:09 AM

Frost.You.Aimless.

Sarah, plain and not so tall. 30,601 8
09/01/2006 10:10 AM

Uh-oh. You make penis angry.

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
09/01/2006 10:11 AM

The new oompa loompas freak me out. I liked them better when I could imagine that they weren't real people because they had orange skin and green hair. Now, with the real midget look and whatnot, I'm afraid, I'm very afraid.

Aimless 54,807 10
09/01/2006 10:11 AM

Are you licensed?



It is unlawful to own an un-liscensed midget.

Midgets 96,092 48
09/01/2006 10:13 AM

I'm not a midget!



But yes, the one I have is licensed. He even has his own trunk to sleep in and a exercise wheel.

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
09/01/2006 10:13 AM

<action>reads Jolson's post</action>

I don't which of the following should be considered the most offensive to midget people:



- the fact that there is an event in Orlando called "Extreme Midget Wrestling"



- or the fact that someone talked about said event using the phrase "speaking of retard fights" as an introduction.

Sarah, plain and not so tall. 30,601 8
09/01/2006 10:13 AM

Does he pack food in his cheeks to eat later?

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
09/01/2006 10:14 AM

Mine sleeps in my bed with me, and wakes me up by licking my face.

Midgets 96,092 48
09/01/2006 10:16 AM

Mine sleeps in my bed with me, and wakes me up by licking my face.





Trixxie is your midget?

Jolson 16,163 11
09/01/2006 10:16 AM

<action>shrugs at Mailman</action>



It's like the old side-shows. While we "normal" people think of it as exploitation, they're the ones making the money off of us with what they're born with.





Besides, who can resist a midget holding a pizza cutter muttering, "I'm gonna cut you mang!"

There's a Wocket in my pocket! 10,950 10
09/01/2006 10:20 AM

"Hey, I just got a call from Mr. [Emerson] on his cellphone. He needs somebody to run out to the back 9, find his golf cart, find him, then bring him another cooler of beer."



"Oh, is that all?"



"No. If you see Holly (beer cart girl) out there, tell her she might want to avoid the back 9 until Mr. [Emerson] finishes his round."



"Okie dokie."



True story.

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
09/01/2006 10:24 AM

"Okie dokie."



If I was a boss, I would fire anyone who answers my orders with "okie dokie".

Phuc 237,919 21
09/01/2006 10:35 AM

I like the Jurtain behind the curtain.

Pram Maven was here 80,728 42
09/01/2006 01:01 PM

Boss: Well, I'm going to need you to stay a couple hours late.



Me: Why?



Boss: Because, I'm going to get a mammogram.



Me: What is that? (later really super wishing I hadn't asked my boss, who is 60)



Boss: That's where I put my breasts in a machine and it flattens them, as it checks for cancer.



Me: (trying not to lose my Shakespeare) FLATTENS them? Is there any way that you could put them both in at the same time? You would be back here faster.



Boss: No, because only one breast will fit in the machine at a time.



Me: Oh. Does it flatten them horizontally or vertically?



Boss: Vertically.



Me: Well, If you could squeeze them together with duct tape or something, maybe you could mash them in together.



Boss: ...



Me: (=)(=)



Boss: (craftily changing the subject) Uh, you can go home, if you want; I signed you out five minutes ago.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
09/01/2006 02:52 PM

My buddy Johnny Lucky had a sign on the wall of his cubie that said "The beatings will continue until morale improves."



The boss yelled at him and ordered him to take it down or be fired.

m squared 2,881 7
09/01/2006 03:57 PM

At my last job, I had the coolest boss EVAH. I am still really good friends with him and his wife. Anyway, here are some excerpts from conversations with him:



Me, to a customer: "You have a good day!"

Boss, to me: "Come on. Don't be nice. You be nice to them once, they expect it every time they come in here."



"Hey John!(Boss) I'm pregnant!"

"Ok, um, congratulations I guess. Does this mean you won't be able to open in the morning?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about maternity leave when the time comes."

"Maternity leave?! Hell no! Pregnancy is a self-inflicted wound!"



When we were eating lunch, a particularly nasty guy came in, a guy called "Can Boy." I whispered to John: "Oh God. How am I supposed to eat when I can see his dirt rings around his neck and his tobacco running down the corners of his mouth?"

John turns to they guy and says: "You're gonna have to come back later. We're tryin' to eat."



When a irritating patron was chatting outside the doors with someone, John yelled out the door, "Go away! You're uglying up my parking lot!"

Millie 116,988 28
09/01/2006 10:04 PM

Tonight I was speaking to my boss while he was sitting at his desk. He lifted up his right butt cheek to let a fart out. I said, "I guess that's my cue to leave." He said, "Oh, sorry. It doesn't smell bad to me."

Captain Skippy, now slightly more depressed! 41,253 13
09/02/2006 12:37 AM

It's like Thunderdome only without Tina Turner and pig Shakespeare.



I think you meant "It's like Thunderdome only without Tina Turner aka pig Shakespeare."

Succubus 3,359 10
09/02/2006 04:51 PM

<action>Considers stalking Jolson</action>

Lila Drinks Red Kool Aid 78,555 13
09/02/2006 06:01 PM

My boss is a huge "Christian" but he doesn't force-feed it or anything. We just have to watch our language around him.

Well, he had a little get-together at his house last week so my hubby got to meet him. He called me in on my day off (today) so I went Dante on his ass, ala Kevin Smith style.



Me: "I'm not even supposed to BE here today!"



Boss: "Are you quoting from that movie again?"



Me: "Yup."



Boss: "I wanna see it. Do you have it?"



Me: "Yeah, but I don't think I can let you borrow it."



Boss: "Why not?"



Me: "Well, because my husband checked out your DVD's last weekend and he says you don't have anything over PG."

Johnny Virgil 2,359 7
09/03/2006 11:46 AM

A few years ago, I walked into my then-current manager's office, and he was sitting at his desk with expensive looking headphones on. "OK," I think to myself, "The man is serious about his music."



As it turns out, the man was serious about his silence.



He saw me eyeing the headphones.



"Noise cancellation," he said. He gestured toward the drop ceiling. "You hear that white noise generator up there?" he asked, referring to the sound I always thought was just the heating/cooling system. "Drives me insane," he said. "I can't stand it -- it's all I can hear. They put those up there to block voices, but it makes it hard for me to think. With these on, I just hear the voices."



I hoped he was referring to the voices of the other employees, but I wasn't completely sure.



He looked thoughtful for a second, then said, "I wonder how these things would work with louder noises, like gunshots."



I told him I thought they only worked on constant noise, since it was just reversing the waveform and playing it into your ear and he agreed that was probably the case. I excused myself and went back to my desk and planned multiple escape routes, just for fun.

Gorky caught gay 41,132 13
09/03/2006 03:55 PM

In high school my boss was my girlfriend's father. He said he had no idea why my stepdad was such an ass and he had no problem with me since, "...its not like you're porking my daughter."



An hour or so later she was taking it in the pooper.

jeeni 47,787 51
09/03/2006 04:27 PM

While going to college, I interviewed at Burger King. The guy interviewing me said that they hire at $5/hour. After looking over my application, he exclaimed "I see you've worked for Burger King before! In that case, we can hire you at $5.10/hour!"





Wow.







Sadly, I took the job.

Johnny Virgil 2,359 7
09/04/2006 04:03 PM

One more boss story: One day I was talking to him and he just stopped in the middle of a sentence and his eyes started oscillating from left to right like he was trying to watch the world's fastest ping pong tournament on the inside of his own forehead. Then he reached up and pinched his thumb and forefinger together like he was holding a fly by its wing and started humming.



A second later, he was fine.



In this case, by "fine" I don't mean "fine" in the conventional sense of the word. In this case, I mean "fine" as in "no longer acting like he just got cut off from the Borg collective," which is not really the same thing.



I think he must have noticed the odd look on my face because he said, "I have small seizures some times. Pressing my fingers together and humming helps me recover from them quicker."



I said, "Do you know what's causing them?" which was a pretty stupid question, really. If the guy was short circuiting 10 times a day, you have to figure he'd make some time to go get his melon looked at. But maybe not. Maybe he just grabbed imaginary flies and hummed.



He said, "Yeah, I have a benign brain tumor."



"You getting it taken out?" I asked.



He replied, "No way. I don't want them messing around with my brain. It changes your personality, like flouride toothpaste."



I nodded knowingly, as if in full understanding. He continued.



"You know that flouride is rat poison, don't you? They add it to your toothpaste and your water to make you dumb. A dumbed-down populace is easier to control."



Then he said, "Besides, the dentist just fills your mouth with toxic heavy metals."



I had heard there might actually be something to that whole mercury thing, but before I could say anything the second half of the ping pong tournament started and I got the hell out of dodge.

I'm the Taconaut, Bitch! 61,976 36
09/04/2006 04:07 PM

You and your boss are Frost-ing morons.

Johnny Virgil 2,359 7
09/04/2006 05:10 PM

Ex-boss, in more ways than one. He was fired, and then died of a brain tumor. Go figure.