Shemp, sleepin' late and smokin' tea 22,222 17
10/09/2006 09:56 AM

Like I told the other gabber with the "stinky boil guy".



Start leaving post-its around thier office that say stuff like.



Got Soap?



Some things are best used in moderation, soap isnt one of them.



Do you smell that? WE DO!



Not taking a shower a day will keep you co-workers away.



You know stuff like that.



And either they will get the picture or show up at work with an AK-47 all disgruntled and Shakespeare.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
10/09/2006 10:00 AM

It may be a medical problem, there are several conditions that cause some people to exude stank no matter how much they shower. You have to be careful because if that's the issue you can run in to EOE legal issues.



If you can establish that it isn't medical try a nice gift basket with soaps, deoderants, talcum powder, those little pine air fresheners, baking soda, etc.

Shemp, sleepin' late and smokin' tea 22,222 17
10/09/2006 10:02 AM

Dont forget Shower to Shower.









Do they still make that?

Declan McManus, as Yaskov 131,887 36
10/09/2006 10:05 AM

Merciful heavens, Bankey.





Grow a pair already.





I know it is going to be painful, but the rule is: correct in private, praise in public.



Take him aside-- maybe out doors, but someplace where it is just the two of you, and say: " 'Tom', other people have come to me wondering why you can't bathe and put on clean clothes every day. I'd like to know, too. Spraying yourself with Axe does not count, by the way."



Before you do this, tell your own supervisor that you are telling "Tom Terrible" about his stankosity.



It's not that difficult, really.

Bankey 70,843 10
10/09/2006 10:19 AM

Well it's a broad so I feel that it's a little bit more complicated than 'Hey Carol, you smell like rotten crotch, take care of it.'



Oh the crying! The sexual harassment law suits! The horror!

Declan McManus, as Yaskov 131,887 36
10/09/2006 10:23 AM

Well, then, don't do it completely alone. Get your supervisor in on the fun, and also a woman who follows accepted North American hygeine practises.

Declan McManus, as Yaskov 131,887 36
10/09/2006 10:25 AM

Keep it small, but keep it direct.





When I was a manager for about 35 minutes (more like a year) in the late 1980s, my staff (all three) were happier when I was direct with them.

The Secret Ingredient Is Zolton 88,200 34
10/09/2006 10:27 AM

So... is she hot?



'Cause I've got nose plugs. I'm just asking.

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
10/09/2006 10:28 AM

Have sex with her*. Then, while she's in the throws of passion, backslap her, and throw her in the shower. Let the cold water drip slowly on her forehead while you ask her questions regarding her smelliness.





*Remember, if the smell is really, really bad, keep clothespins near the bed. Also, don't go down on her without a Poe snorkel.

Pram, the enterluding exitlude 80,728 42
10/09/2006 10:29 AM

I'm sorry Bankey, but I'm not the best person to ask, I smell like barbecue meat farts.

Chit 178,781 15
10/09/2006 10:30 AM

You could always pass out blocks of camphor for all the other workers to tape below their noses.



Or in the middle ages, they used to take an orange and puncture the peel with as many cloves as they could, to make a sort of "Defensive Stank Orb."

Chris Garrett 86,932 12
10/09/2006 10:30 AM

Spraying yourself with Axe does not count, by the way."







Dead. To. Me.

Chris Garrett 86,932 12
10/09/2006 10:31 AM

When I was a manager for about 35 minutes (more like a year) in the late 1980s,





Let me guess...Arthur Treacher's Fish n Chips?

shadesofgrey 5,445 7
10/09/2006 10:34 AM

Oh the crying! The sexual harassment law suits! The horror!

Just admit it.

Be a man about it. Let your co-workers know the real reason she smells like rotten crotch.

You're tapping that ass in the janitor's closet aren't you?

Chit 178,781 15
10/09/2006 10:35 AM

I almost forgot.





You could always move her office to the basement by herself.

Coprophagic Snork. 45,655 12
10/09/2006 10:35 AM

Ahem.



I suggest depends. Oh yes, I do.

Declan McManus, as Yaskov 131,887 36
10/09/2006 10:36 AM

If I am " dead. to. you.," why did you ask me about Arthur Treacher's?





No, it was a social services agency, and I was night manager for emergency services.

Scoobynoob 2,160 6
10/09/2006 10:40 AM

Have you tried boiling this coworker?

Chit 178,781 15
10/09/2006 10:48 AM

You could make Fridays, "Bring Your Dog To Work" day.





She will get the message when they all gravitate to her crotch 24/7.

Pram, the enterluding exitlude 80,728 42
10/09/2006 10:50 AM

<action> makes the thread about illegal sex acts</action>



Have sex with her ass*. Then, while she's in the throws of passion, give her a balloon and punch her in the back of the head. Her sphincter muscles will contract, making you feel like you're boffing one of Ollie's favorite "Jerry's Kids". The whole effect is enhanced by squeezing a bicycle horn and yelling, "OOOH, I CAN FEEL WHAT YOU ATE FOR BREAKFAST!".



(If she's an illegal mexican, yell "'emigre'" instead, and try to see how long you can hang on.)

























*talk about how it feels so much better without the lube

Bankey 70,843 10
10/09/2006 10:50 AM

That's a good idea, but it'd probably also expose the fact that I've been stuffing my pants with a kelbasa.

syncope 49,019 14
10/09/2006 10:51 AM

I worked with a girl who always smelled like a mixture of sweaty crotch and cat litter. Since I was the supervisor, I had a meeting (with a female present) and told her there were some issue with her hygiene and we work in close quarters, be extra aware, blah blah blah.









The hardest part of that meeting was getting the smell off my Coleridge afterward.

Chit 178,781 15
10/09/2006 10:53 AM

That's a good idea, but it'd probably also expose the fact that I've been stuffing my pants with a kelbasa.







Think of all the paws you could sniff...

Chit 178,781 15
10/09/2006 10:58 AM

Cat litter actually has a chemical in it that numbs the olfactory gland and keeps us from being able to detect odors.





You still get bombarded by millions of airborne Shakespeare molecules, but your sensors are too numb to know you are snorting Shakespeare.





Cue Fratberry in 3...2...1

Hammerhead 59,399 14
10/09/2006 10:59 AM

Damn, Bankey, just come out and tell Fartberry to take a Frost-ing bath already!





Also, you could take a Shakespeare in her desk drawer and see if that covers the smell.

Pumpkin Noggin-taking a week to harvest, GAB free 56,642 8
10/09/2006 12:23 PM

were I a faster reader, I'd have beaten HH to the punch on the Frat joke...but since I'm a tendersnowflake with the typing speed of a trained baboon.....Orbs to him.

Chix calls for term limits. 286,539 61
10/09/2006 12:28 PM

Is it her, or her office? Cause it turns out the fruit fly bloom in my house was from all the rotting food under one kid's bed, not from the kids themselves. </stuff I found out this weekend>

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
10/09/2006 12:37 PM

Bankey, maybe you should try this. If it doesn't solve the problem, maybe you can get an article out of it.

Bankey 70,843 10
10/09/2006 01:23 PM

Is it her, or her office? Cause it turns out the fruit fly bloom in my house was from all the rotting food under one kid's bed, not from the kids themselves.



You sir have gotten to the heart of the issue. When I run across her in the halls I really don't notice much. But if you have to go into her office, you will literally take one last good breath before opening the door, and then breath through your mouth while you are inside.



It's an old building so could it be mold? Possibly, but why do none of the other offices have this problem? On the rare occasions that I do find myself in her office I'm usually scanning about for a possible source, but other than clutter I see nothing unusual. You know, like a rotting water buffalo crotch or anything like that.

syncope 49,019 14
10/09/2006 01:26 PM

If it was just the office wouldn't SHE have brought it up at some point? Maybe the office stinks because that's where she percolates all day.

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
10/09/2006 01:26 PM

Maybe it's her chair, the only place where her rank juices get to seep into, 'cause you know that triflin' ho ain't got no undawear on.

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
10/09/2006 01:26 PM

Nice simulpost, syncope.

syncope 49,019 14
10/09/2006 01:31 PM

We just conjured the image of rank juices, unfetted by underwear, percolating. Fabulous.

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
10/09/2006 01:32 PM

I can almost smell it.

Beater of the Meat 10,702 8
10/09/2006 01:32 PM

Wait, no, that was me. Excuse me.

Chit 178,781 15
10/09/2006 01:37 PM

Again, sounds like a job for your pooch, Mr. Bankey !

Chit 178,781 15
10/09/2006 01:48 PM

Anybody ever hitch a ride home with her ?





What does her ride smell like ?

syncope 49,019 14
10/09/2006 01:49 PM

It's a hybrid that runs on congealed vaginal mucus.

Chix calls for term limits. 286,539 61
10/09/2006 01:50 PM

Banks- have you gone through her drawers on the weekend? (I'm not believing I said that) But if you have some sort of open office clause in your employee handbook, then you should have full access to deep clean her drawers. (there I go again).

Pumpkin Noggin-taking a week to harvest, GAB free 56,642 8
10/09/2006 02:00 PM

Bet you find an opened/spilled bottle of FHS Tuna sent in the desk.

Pumpkin Noggin-taking a week to harvest, GAB free 56,642 8
10/09/2006 02:01 PM

tuna scent even.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
10/09/2006 02:29 PM

Back in college my buddies and I became friends with several of the Indian (dot not feather) students. Most acclimated themselves to decent personal hygiene, except for Trash.



His real name was Tosh (short for some Shakespeare we couldn't pronounce) and he didn't get any of the hints about his personal b.o. we'd subtly provide.



As was custom during gaming sessions, we'd pitch in for pizza or sloppy ho ass (our name for cheese sticks from a local pizzeria, so good and just as cheap as sloppy ho ass). He came sauntering in one night (we smelled him coming down the hall), and asked for a slice. He was ordered to take a damn shower as payment for a slice.



It was the only thing that worked, and he ended up showering before coming and asking after that.

Millie 116,988 28
10/09/2006 02:51 PM

Someone who works with my sister and hates her put some shrimp in one of her desk drawers. She doesn't really use the drawers because they sometimes switch desks and it took a while for people to figure out where the smell was coming from.

hisboyelroy 10,621 13
10/09/2006 03:17 PM

so basically, to sum it up: your sister drawers smell like seafood.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
10/09/2006 03:30 PM

And she sometimes swaps her seafood-y drawers with other people.

Fratberry 283,018 53
10/09/2006 06:40 PM

Is it her, or her office?



Dude. Trust me. Its HER. That day you saw me at registration and my eyes were so red you thought I was stoned? I had been in a classroom with her for about thirty seconds. And believe me when I tell you that the memory most definitely lingers. I couldn't go back in that room for the rest of the day.



I think she may be storing dead (or soon to be dead) cats on her person.

Fratberry 283,018 53
10/09/2006 08:10 PM

Even sadder is the fact that she's really a very nice lady. No doubt, though, that she is the reigning queen of Stankonia.

MaddMatt - Steely Eyed Warrior/Poet 15,437 9
10/09/2006 08:16 PM

Keep it small, but keep it direct.



Declan, I bet you say this to all the boys.

Humphrey 51,764 12
10/09/2006 09:51 PM

Posat her email address in this thread and let us do the work for you.



Profit!

Sinn Féin 7,400 0
10/09/2006 10:34 PM

this is her e-mail



stinky45@aol.com

Humphrey 51,764 12
10/09/2006 10:38 PM

Dear Bankey's co-worker,



You stink like the arse of a thousand dead hookers, piled in the back of Hammerheads car and left in the sun on a hot day.



Bathe, you smelly bitch.



Love,



Humphrey (Now with Speed-Stick freshness).

Sinn Féin 7,400 0
10/09/2006 10:40 PM

Don't forget to e-mail it to her!



stinky45@yahoo.com

Bankey 70,843 10
10/09/2006 10:40 PM

I'm cc'ing her on this thread post-haste! A million thanks my dear Humphrey!

Sinn Féin 7,400 0
10/09/2006 10:42 PM

Sinn Fin (10:33:05 PM): i started this thread three days ago and its still going strong

Jessdro (10:35:02 PM): whats it called

Sinn Fin (10:35:12 PM): What Can't You Do?

Sinn Fin (10:38:04 PM): post to it

Sinn Fin (10:38:10 PM): yo te comando

Sinn Fin (10:40:39 PM): dude dont be a little bitch

Sinn Fin (10:40:43 PM): post to the thread

Humphrey 51,764 12
10/09/2006 10:43 PM

Your Jedi HTML tricks won't work on me, turd-burglar.

Sinn Féin 7,400 0
10/09/2006 10:43 PM

oh Frost wrong thread

Humphrey 51,764 12
10/09/2006 10:44 PM

You're an annoying little Carroll-block, aren't you?

Hammerhead 59,399 14
10/10/2006 01:39 AM

Since when does my car have a thousand dead hookers in the trunk?



Last count I had was 1055. Who's stealing my dead hookers?

Winter Celebration Chickens 286,539 61
10/10/2006 05:06 AM

Okay, so it's her. Is she hugely fat? Have you thought about getting her a rag on a stick?

Midgets 96,092 48
10/10/2006 05:54 AM

Is she hugely fat?



she's really a very nice lady.





Answer your question?

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 08:57 AM

1. FDS

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 08:58 AM

2. There are people who have posted in this thread who are setting off nukular weapons in a glass house.

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 08:59 AM

3. My boss often smells like he's neglected to wipe. I told him once before he had an important meeting that he should consider cologne.

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 09:00 AM

4. Since this chick works for you, Bankey, you should talk to your head of HR and ax his/her opinion. It would behoove you to refrain from using such phrases as "percolating underwear juice."

BlueLep: Is Drunk At The Coffee Shop 13,144 10
10/10/2006 09:01 AM

5. This thread smells of hick.

Chix calls for term limits. 286,539 61
10/10/2006 09:07 AM

6. BlueLep probably smells funny.

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 09:15 AM

6. BlueLep probably smells funny.



I'm guessing pop-tarts and vaseline.

All the ladies love Briham and his Oozinator! 38,843 10
10/10/2006 09:25 AM

I used to have a very strong smell. Any room I've been in for a while begins to smell like me. I thought I was producing musk, like certain mammals. Then my mom told me that stuffing too many clothes into the washing machine prevents them from being cleaned.







I still do it. Being able to scent mark your territory is awesome.

BlueLep: Is Drunk At The Coffee Shop 13,144 10
10/10/2006 09:25 AM

Mmmm, pop-tarts...

Chit 178,781 15
10/10/2006 10:01 AM

You know, you could always fight fire with fire... if you think you can take it.

Chix calls for term limits. 286,539 61
10/10/2006 10:07 AM

Tell her they're installing them in all the cubicles, hers is just the beta rollout.

Midgets 96,092 48
10/10/2006 10:12 AM

Maybe she's been using this. I don't know what it smells like, but the name doesn't instill a whole lot of confidence.

Chit 178,781 15
10/10/2006 10:26 AM

Am I the only one that thinks that it's funny as hell that anyone could actually smell that bad and not realize it ?



Or better still, know they reek, but keep a straight face and pretend like nothing is wrong ?



I'm sure it gets less funny real fast when you are in her office, but from here, the Shakespeare is funny !

Pumpkin Noggin-taking a week to harvest, GAB free 56,642 8
10/10/2006 11:13 AM

Midgets..This stuff probablly smells worse...you ever smell a fox? or Bat gauno? (Flying Fox=Fruit bat)

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 02:18 PM

"What's the deer urine for?"

BlueLep: Is Drunk At The Coffee Shop 13,144 10
10/10/2006 02:20 PM

"Sex Panther"

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 02:54 PM

"Smells like Bigfoot's dick!"

Humphrey 51,764 12
10/10/2006 08:08 PM

Write the following on a post-it note and stick it on her monitor.



'Welcome to Stinksville, population YOU!'

KChikita - Newly Motherless & Still Not Chi Chi 128,316 98
10/10/2006 08:12 PM

Sonic Death Monkey Shower Gel



Product Description:

This shower gel makes your hair and body feel soft; it's scented with chocolate orange and tones you up with fresh lime, Caribbean coffee and herbal tea.



Sounds like it smells like Key West. All they're missing is the smell of chicken Shakespeare and gay.

KChikita - Newly Motherless & Still Not Chi Chi 128,316 98
10/10/2006 08:14 PM

Best. Product. Description. EVAR!

I'm the Taconaut, Bitch! 61,976 36
10/10/2006 08:18 PM

...Jesus Christ!

Jade - Locked and Loaded 14,453 11
10/10/2006 08:21 PM

<action>loves having a Lush shop in her town.</action>



I buy most of my beauty products (of which I'm aware I need a lot) from Lush, they're not tested on animals and they smell pretty. I have a chocolate flavoured lip balm from there which I adore, as does my boyfriend.

Jade - Locked and Loaded 14,453 11
10/10/2006 08:21 PM

Not that I'm implying he wears it. He just likes the taste.

Ditdah 123,110 14
10/10/2006 08:22 PM

loves having a Lush shop in her town.



That's called a liquor store.

jeeniRoach 47,787 51
10/10/2006 10:04 PM

Bankey, does she do her job well?



Yes: Ignore the stank and let her work. You probably won't get another worker that can do such a great job.



No: "Promote" her to another department that you don't contact often. Make sure the transfer is based on her job performance, not her stank, to avoid EOE issues.



Good luck & keep us all posted with what actually happens, even if it's not funny. This is an interesting story to follow.

Phuc 237,919 21
10/10/2006 10:14 PM

I buy most of my beauty products (of which I'm aware I need a lot) from Lush, they're not tested on animals and they smell pretty.



I recently needed to make my first purchase of "product" (Pert plus and toothpaste, apparently, are not adequate to maintain proper hygeine in this pussified world) because my scalp is flaking like a sumbitch.



A lot of the stuff in that part of the Stop n' Shop (who knew they made lotion for your face?) had a little rabbit on the label and I was like, "I could really get into a hair product that was made from rabbit or rabbit by-products," but then when I read the whole label, I saw that it said that it not only was it bunny by-product free, but my safety wasn't even assured by squirting it into Peter Cottontail's eyes first.



Frost. THAT. Shakespeare.



For every cleansed and vitamin-enriched follicle on my head, I want a dead rhesus monkey. For every hydated and exfoliated skin cell, I want to see a dog selling pencils out of a tin cup. For every last Frost-ing molecule of man-musk that oozes out of my armpit pores, there had goddamn better be a drawn and quatered kitty, mewling it's last breath with the scent of a spring Frost-ing breeze wafting past its whiskers.



Animal testing? No.



Animal Frost-ing genocide.