Thud 68,497 19
11/01/2006 11:02 PM

Sausage.

Midgets, the other white meat. 96,092 48
11/01/2006 11:08 PM

Two words,



Secret Santa.

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
11/01/2006 11:08 PM

I'll take the teeth!

Huggiesdsc 167 7
11/01/2006 11:09 PM

20 bucks

Huggiesdsc 167 7
11/01/2006 11:11 PM

Ooh, bury the dead... animal? in a used grave, and throw away the other body. The worst they can peg you for is grave-robbery, and we all know you can get out of that with less than a hundred dollar fine if you show up naked.









Everyone knows that, right?

Midgets, the other white meat. 96,092 48
11/01/2006 11:13 PM

If it actually is an animal have it stuffed and mounted in an interesting pose, everybody loves a deer on the toilet lawn decoration.



If it's an *cough*"animal"*cough*, and old steamer trunk, cinder blocks, and a deap river are your friends.

Gomez Declan McManus Addams 131,887 36
11/01/2006 11:14 PM

Lime pit for the flesh.





After there's no more flesh, destroy the skeleton, if necessary with great violence, and leave nothing larger than a grain of rice.





Even so, you're still at risk for discovery.





Unless, of course, you can get your hands on a professional horsepower wood chipper, and a lake.



And, for heaven's sake, DO not go through the drive-through at Arby's while towing the chipper.

Thud 68,497 19
11/01/2006 11:17 PM

Seriously, muriatic acid heated up (do this outdoors) will help for disposal of the flesh. The bones can be ground up and added to a schoolyard's sandbox.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
11/01/2006 11:23 PM

I like the way thud thinks, but the concentration of muriatic (Hydrochloric) acid available to consumers for concrete etching and other uses isn't strong enough, and the good lab grade stuff throws up a terrible paper trail in sufficient quantity. Lye is just as effective and easier to obtain for cash.



Bones will burn, but you need a very hot flame.



I have a relative who works at a forge, I'm thinking a few extra grams of dry matter in with the slag would go unnoticed.

Fratberry 283,018 53
11/01/2006 11:27 PM

Again, DO NOT piss off Dave.

Fratberry 283,018 53
11/01/2006 11:28 PM

Thud, too, apparently. You can piss off Declan all you want, though.

Thud 68,497 19
11/01/2006 11:31 PM

Dave, use the acid in a pressure vessel. HCL will break down the flesh pretty well and the remains will be easily flushable.



Worked for me when I tried it.

Gomez Declan McManus Addams 131,887 36
11/01/2006 11:33 PM

Frat, darling, I live in Kent, Ohio.





The corporate headquarters of the Davey Tree Expert company.





I have many friends and aquaintences who work at Davey Tree.





Now, are you rethinking your (faulty) assesment of my potential?





You really should.





I'm not always as nice as I am on the intarnets.

Humphrey 51,764 12
11/01/2006 11:35 PM

Ha! Declan's gonna stuff Frat in the woodchipper.

Humphrey 51,764 12
11/01/2006 11:35 PM

And no. No this is not a euphemism.

Midgets, the other white meat. 96,092 48
11/01/2006 11:41 PM

A good sized colony of carrion beetles could take care of the flesh in about two weeks, then you can use the bones for soup to feed the homeless.

Gomez Declan McManus Addams 131,887 36
11/01/2006 11:46 PM

Humphrey, in the mood I am currently in, there's no telling what sort of wacky antics I might accomplish!













Midgets, it would have to be a very large cohort of carrion beetles, for they do not really care for fat. They have a demonstrated preference for lean tissue mass.



That is, if we are speculating about a hominid specimen.

anhishere carving pumpkins 11,158 14
11/01/2006 11:51 PM

First cut it's limbs off and then split the main body a few times. Then, get a bonfire ready and toss the pieces in. After that, bury the ashes and any bones in your flower garden. Don't put them in a poorly ventilated area or they will be prone to spontaneous combustion.



If that doesn't work, I know a guy who knows a guy...

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 12:05 AM

Just call up a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' Ogden Nashes, who'll go to work on homes with a pair of pliers and a blow torch.





Problem Solved !

Humphrey 51,764 12
11/02/2006 12:07 AM

Chit, wouldn't the blowtorch / pliers thing usually precede the victim's demise?

Gomez Declan McManus Addams 131,887 36
11/02/2006 12:13 AM

For the "hot" fire, get a small amount of magnesium (small amount is all a person would need, and would not be extremely traceable), and

a large amount of anhydrous chlorine. Any pool supply house can sell a person a nice big container of anhydrous chlorine at an attractive price.

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 12:15 AM

Chit, wouldn't the blowtorch / pliers thing usually precede the victim's demise?



You have a point...



Shhhh, crackheads don't know no better.

Thud 68,497 19
11/02/2006 12:16 AM

1. Get the home address of an enemy. Ship the carcass to yourself using the enemy's address as the return address.



2. Report it to the police.



3. Profit?

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 12:17 AM

Anyway, that's just for getting medieval on their asses.

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 12:22 AM

Honestly...





I watch an awful lot of "Cold Case Files" "Crime Scene Detectives" "Skelleton Stories" "Forensic Files" and a number of other shows, and I don't care what you do... you'll never get away with it.

Gomez Declan McManus Addams 131,887 36
11/02/2006 12:25 AM

Oh, Chit.





You should catch the "Crossing Jordan" reruns on A&E.

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 12:28 AM

I knew I was forgetting one.





Thanks Declan.



By the way, has her boss ever cracked a smile ?

Gomez Declan McManus Addams 131,887 36
11/02/2006 12:31 AM

Garret Macy doesn't need to smile.





I know Nigel is the alleged bisexual, but I wouldn't mind spending some "quality time" with Bug.

Mikey, the Life cereal kid 203,475 12
11/02/2006 12:31 AM

I'll eat it.

TK in the Straw 98,000 37
11/02/2006 12:33 AM

I watch an awful lot of "Cold Case Files" "Crime Scene Detectives" "Skelleton Stories" "Forensic Files" and a number of other shows, and I don't care what you do... you'll never get away with it.



But it might all be worth it to have Gary Sinise cuff me and check for weapons.

Death Chickens from OUTER SPACE 286,539 61
11/02/2006 12:39 AM

there are a lot of really big woods and very deep lakes out there.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
11/02/2006 12:40 AM

I watch an awful lot of "Cold Case Files" "Crime Scene Detectives" "Skelleton Stories" "Forensic Files" and a number of other shows, and I don't care what you do... you'll never get away with it.



One word -



Mississippi



I don't worry too much about them fancy science types. Our local cops get 16k per year and have trouble remembering who goes first at a 4 way stop.

Death Chickens from OUTER SPACE 286,539 61
11/02/2006 12:40 AM

I've heard the ocean gets deep pretty fast too.

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 12:45 AM

there are a lot of really big woods and very deep lakes out there.





Too bad you don't know some shifty bastard with a cave.

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 12:53 AM

I hear they have reintroduced gators to a few southern states and I think Mississippi was one of 'em.

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/02/2006 01:17 AM

Pig farm. Pull the teeth and shave the head.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
11/02/2006 01:21 AM

I don't really understand exactly what makes people afraid to piss me off. I don't have any idea

why people would think I'm a violent person. I honestly always try to treat the people that

I interact with with as much respect and civilty as I'd like to be treated myself.



Live and let live is my motto.



Like I'd really ever do anything, ever, to harm another human being. I'm not at all a mean guy.



Everyone who knows me would gladly tell you, I'm the most laid back guy you'll ever meet. If

a person rubs me the wrong way I'll generally just ignore them, or even try to be extra nice in the hope that they'll respond in kind.



You can often, in my opinion, avoid a nasty relationship with a few kind words, an unnexpected

offering of friendship and a little bit of patience and understanding.



Unless I really have a good reason I never resort to violence. It never leads to any acceptable

resolution. It's better to try and talk things out, or just agree to disagree and leave it alone.



Seriously, I only joke about hurting people. I'd never want people to fear me or think it remotely

possible that I was dangerous or unstable. If you can take the time to really know someone,

learn what it is that motivates them and makes them the person they are you'll find that nearly

everyone has some redeeming quality.



Each and every one of us has within ourselves the capacity to love and support our fellow man.



No one should ever be afraid to discover that.

Bean 8,602 19
11/02/2006 01:25 AM

<action>plays her violin</action>

Millie 116,988 28
11/02/2006 01:26 AM

Unless I really have a good reason I never resort to violence.



So, what's a good reason?

Dave's not here 52,827 16
11/02/2006 01:30 AM

So, what's a good reason?



People who take things at face value and don't really get what you're saying. They always benefit from a playfull tap from say, a buick.

newwave 45,912 10
11/02/2006 01:31 AM

Don't do anything illegal, beware of the eagle that's right in the middle of your back. Don't be the eagle. Got you in the back, they got you in a sack, and they keep you lookin' back.

Chit 178,781 15
11/02/2006 01:33 AM

I don't really understand exactly what makes people afraid to piss me off. I don't have any idea

why people would think I'm a violent person. I honestly always try to treat the people that

I interact with with as much respect and civilty as I'd like to be treated myself.



Live and let live is my motto.



Like I'd really ever do anything, ever, to harm another human being. I'm not at all a mean guy.



Everyone who knows me would gladly tell you, I'm the most laid back guy you'll ever meet. If

a person rubs me the wrong way I'll generally just ignore them, or even try to be extra nice in the hope that they'll respond in kind.



You can often, in my opinion, avoid a nasty relationship with a few kind words, an unnexpected

offering of friendship and a little bit of patience and understanding.



Unless I really have a good reason I never resort to violence. It never leads to any acceptable

resolution. It's better to try and talk things out, or just agree to disagree and leave it alone.



Seriously, I only joke about hurting people. I'd never want people to fear me or think it remotely

possible that I was dangerous or unstable. If you can take the time to really know someone,

learn what it is that motivates them and makes them the person they are you'll find that nearly

everyone has some redeeming quality.



Each and every one of us has within ourselves the capacity to love and support our fellow man.



No one should ever be afraid to discover that.





You killed someone didn't you ?

Leppy 12,056 12
11/02/2006 01:50 AM

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently, the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. Then when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because there's no good in leaving it in a deep freeze for your mum to discover now is it?



Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You gotta starve the pigs for a few days then the sight of a chopped up body would look like curry to a pissant. You gotta shave the head of your victim and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggy's digestion. You could do this afterwards of course but you don't wanna go sifting through pig Shakespeare now do ya?



They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to do the job in one sitting so be weary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs two-hundred pounds in about...eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of un-cooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression: "as greedy as a pig."

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/02/2006 02:02 AM

Leppy, I looked up the script to post that, but decided to shorten it to what I did post. Get outta my brain!

Leppy 12,056 12
11/02/2006 02:05 AM

Script?

Captain Skippy, surly pirate. 41,253 13
11/02/2006 02:08 AM

Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent, personified in this case by a horrible Carroll, me.

Captain Skippy, surly pirate. 41,253 13
11/02/2006 02:10 AM

Seriously though Declan was on the right track with a chipper shredder, but I would suggest a river instead of a lake and you'll need something to clean the chipper when you're done. Some sort of acid to remove any trace of blood. You might also consider running some legal meats through it to mux things up.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
11/02/2006 02:29 AM

Gotta say no on the chipper shreader idea. You'd have to completely disassemble the thing to have even a chance of thoroughly cleaning up the residue, not to mention the splatter effect in the general area.



I think high heat or chemical breakdown is the way to go.



In my wife's will she's donating her body to the University of TN's body farm, where they have corpses in different states of decay for the purpose of research and training in forensic anthropology.



I wonder how long it would take them to notice an extra body, and even then how long before they figured out it wasn't just a clerical error, and yet still, would they even investigate or just cover it up to avoid the scandal.



Hypothetically of course, this thread was just for curiosity and genral interest.



That watch is a Bulova by the way, very nice.

The Pink Princess 1 6
11/02/2006 02:48 AM

Buy lots of hams.

Take body to nearest lake/swamp/alligator infested area.

Tie hams to the body and it will disappear.



This instructional message brought to you by the Doctors of McNamara/Troy.

anhishere carving pumpkins 11,158 14
11/02/2006 03:00 AM

Send it to Jade!

The Sequined Love Nun 283 6
11/02/2006 03:02 AM

Dave, this 'animal' you're referring to - could it possibly live in a trailer and have bleach-blonde hair and grey and yellow teeth, maybe giving off a very foul odor? If so, you've just helped me finish the Xmas shopping.

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/02/2006 03:03 AM

I think I saw one of those shows with an "extra body in the body farm" case to solve.

The Sequined Love Nun 283 6
11/02/2006 03:28 AM

"I wonder how long it would take them to notice an extra body"



No way are you putting that nasty bitch anywhere near my rotting corpse! Maggots and worms I don't mind, but that thing? It's just not natural.

Lather. Jane. Repeat. 173,958 15
11/02/2006 03:38 AM

HH, I think you're right. They did do a show about that.



And if I had to hide a body, I would just dump it in some remote location and then move across the country. Start a new life with a new last name.

Harvey Kettle 1,889 13
11/02/2006 04:54 AM

Well, let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet.

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
11/02/2006 05:16 AM

Flay your victim and construct a suit from the resulting skin and hair. Don the suit and assume their identity on alternate weekends.

Tweak 18,881 12
11/02/2006 06:45 AM

Just like this man does.

Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
11/02/2006 08:22 AM

you know, people would pay good money to have sex with that.

Tucker Jolson 16,163 11
11/02/2006 08:50 AM

I have it on good authority that this organization buys dead bodies.

Pumpkin Noggin-suffering from sugar overload 56,642 8
11/02/2006 11:29 AM

Hogs....Hogs eat EVERYTHING.

I belive I've mentioned this before.







Carry on.

I'm the Taconaut, Bitch! 61,976 36
11/02/2006 11:37 AM

The wood chipper is a bad idea. There was an episode of cold case files (the court TV one) where the guy froze the body (to avoid blood spatter), put it through a wood chipper, and they nailed him on a tooth found in the riverbed. A goddamn tooth.

Midgets, the other white meat. 96,092 48
11/02/2006 11:43 AM

Dave lives in Mississippi, therefore teeth aren't a big concern.

TK in the Straw 98,000 37
11/02/2006 11:46 AM

Three words:



Jerky For Sale.

Dave's not thanking anyone, I earned my shit. 52,827 16
11/02/2006 01:18 PM

I knew I'd find the answer on gab.

aliaser 144 7
11/02/2006 01:24 PM

The neighbors frontyard is ALWAYS where I take out my frustration and dead *animals*. just leave it there and when someone sees the *animal* and reports it to the police, tell the police your neighbor raped you. Your problem solved and hilarity insued.

Hello Mofo 10,950 10
11/02/2006 01:32 PM

Rent a boat at the marina, and ditch the *animal* in international waters. Or at least in an area where the ocean is 200 feet deep.



Failing that, rent a wood chipper and make pig slop.

Count Crackula 68,758 11
11/02/2006 01:45 PM

You people are such amatures. A decomposing pile of compost of about 200 cubic yards can decompose a 700lb bull in as little as two weeks. The microbes leave nothing but the plastic ear tag. A 150lb "animal" would probably take about a week. You can find these huge piles of compost near your local dumps or sewage treatment plants. As a plus, you can then call yourself an environmentalist to help ease yourself of the guilt.



The more you know!

Tweak 18,881 12
11/02/2006 01:50 PM

Bury it behind your neighbor's house and put a sign by his front door saying "Treasure Hunt in my back yard!"



Invite cops.

Pumpkin Noggin-suffering from sugar overload 56,642 8
11/02/2006 01:52 PM

Silly Tweak...you want the Cops involved, you put up a sign that says :

Treasure Hunt, Doughnuts to the winner.



Guarenteed attendance.

Aimless Claus 54,807 10
11/02/2006 01:54 PM

Why would you want to get rif od it?







Personally I like to set my kill up in my living room and chat with it. Ma's been there for over three years now. After about a week you don't even notice the smell anymore.

Sage of Seattle (Inherently Insouciant) 36,465 8
11/02/2006 01:56 PM

<action>is now very grateful he has nothing to do with Secret Santa</action>

Succubus 3,359 10
11/02/2006 03:01 PM

GAB: the only place on the 'net where someone asks for help hiding a body... and no one even stops to ask "is this a joke?"

Tucker Jolson 16,163 11
11/02/2006 03:04 PM

You could always practice your ventriloquism skills, ram a stick up it's ass, and take your act on the road!

Big Zit with a Captain Skippy 41,253 13
11/02/2006 04:11 PM

GAB: the only place on the 'net where someone asks for help hiding a body... and no one even stops to ask "is this a joke?"



And you think knowing the answer to that question would somehow change the responses?

Millie 116,988 28
11/02/2006 11:30 PM

Personally I like to set my kill up in my living room and chat with it. Ma's been there for over three years now. After about a week you don't even notice the smell anymore.





Aimless, you didn't read this thread, did you? Or rather, the article I linked to.

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/03/2006 01:15 AM

Toss it onto some train tracks. Let the train do it's worst. Leave no fingerprints, foot prints, tire tracks or drag marks anywhere.

Frogpop 173,153 25
11/03/2006 01:17 AM

And don't come back for your squished pennies for at least a few weeks.

aliaser 144 7
11/03/2006 12:12 PM

I couldnt tell if hammerhead was being serious.



Take the *animal* to a sex-ed class and use it as a demonstration. Hell its even reusable.

Dave's not thanking anyone, I earned my shit. 52,827 16
11/03/2006 07:27 PM

Da wife is looking pretty hot tonight, so I'm thinking about just hiding one pound of meat 150 times in rapid succession.

HammerHeadless Horseman 59,399 14
11/03/2006 09:18 PM

I couldnt tell if hammerhead was being serious.



Always.<action>adjusts for windage</action> Now sit still.

Bipolargraph 0 6
11/12/2006 07:32 AM

Rent a big boat for 2 weeks. Tie body to rocks if necessary.

If you don't have that much of a budget, you might as well make a party, and serve chicken soup for lots of people. (everything tastes like chicken)

Bipolargraph 0 6
11/12/2006 07:33 AM

(you don't have to eat it)

Hi Ho Prammer Awaaaaay! 80,728 42
11/12/2006 10:45 AM

Da wife is looking pretty hot tonight, so I'm thinking about just hiding one pound of meat 150 times in rapid succession.



It's not sex if you leave it in and just wiggle...



Oh, I get it---she's loose, and you can never tell when you're in her.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
11/12/2006 02:29 PM

This thread is leet.