Its A Wonderful Sarah. 30,601 8
11/24/2006 12:34 PM

Get off the internet and start parenting?

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,200 34
11/24/2006 12:41 PM

Gee, if only there had been thousands of years of knowledge about what kids are like before you went and bumped uglies to conceive yours. That would have been helpful.



Oh, well.

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/24/2006 12:42 PM

How many children do you have Sarah?



This is what Frost-ing pisses me off about people. A parent complains a little, and its something like this. I should never have any free time, right? I should never expect to be able to have a cup of coffee at the computer, or watch a TV show and be able to know what exactly is going on, I should never do anything for myself for 18 Frost-ing years. You know what? Frost you. And I say that in the funniest possible way.

Its A Wonderful Sarah. 30,601 8
11/24/2006 12:49 PM

Um, I have a 5 year old. That I've pretty much taken care of by myself.



Her dad cheated on me when I was pregnant. When he got paid, he went out drinking while I shoplifted groceries. I spent my menger paycheck on diapers while he spurgled on cocaine.



I mean, my kid is pretty hyper. I've yelled, spanked, scolded, and grounded as many times as you, I'll bet.



But I usually pick my battles. Wanna make a fort with all the blankets I just folded? Sure, why not. Forts are awesome.



Baby keeps taking the diaper off? Put pants on her that she can't take off. Hell, duct tape the diaper to her. 5 year old throws his food on the floor? Don't feed him lunch and dinner and see if he trys it again.



So theres some advice.



I was just trying to make funny. Sue me.

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
11/24/2006 01:19 PM

I find amputation to be a very effctive method of child-control.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
11/24/2006 01:32 PM

Yes, Nachos, but you can only cut off one of your limbs and beat them with it so many times.

Its A Wonderful Sarah. 30,601 8
11/24/2006 01:47 PM

I find amputation abstinence birth control shaken baby syndrome to be a very effEctive method of child-control.





There. Perfect.

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
11/24/2006 02:34 PM

Yes, Nachos, but you can only cut off one of your limbs and beat them with it so many times.



Incorrect. Properly dried and cured, a severed limb can be used repeatedly until the child no longer legally needs a guardian.

Its A Wonderful Sarah. 30,601 8
11/24/2006 02:36 PM

And as an added bonus, eat it just like jerky!

Chit 178,781 15
11/24/2006 04:10 PM

"Take my children! Please!"







Throw in a side dish, and we might have a deal...

Sage of Seattle (Facetiously Festive) 36,465 8
11/24/2006 04:42 PM

First point. My daughter is ten and I've spanked her once in her life. I rarely have to yell or punish her for anything; she's one of the most well behaved children I've ever known. All I'm trying to say is that you all suck as parents it's not only the parent, but also the child that decides how the relationship develops.



I truly wish I could point to something and say "do x or y" and have it work for ya. My advice (which you haven't asked for directly, I understand) is that you simply acknowledge that you do deserve time alone (so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that) and that these are developmental phases which will pass in time.



Having said that, I do also believe that the more calm and balanced parents generally seem to have much more calm and balanced children; there are issues that you've posted about recently that, if you haven't taken more steps to resolve, you need to do so -- not only for your own mental health but the mental and emotional health of your children who do pick up on every little nuance, even if they don't understand it.

Stuff me with your big turkey 15,189 12
11/24/2006 04:56 PM

M,

Hang in there. Parenting is tough and yours are at that age. Of course, every age is that age.



Set and enforce rules. Setting rules is the easy part. I know, I'm good at that. Enforcing the rules is the hard part. I know, because I am not good at that. And my kids know this too. They have known this since they were your kids ages. And they drive me nuts too.



Listen to Sarah, duct tape that diaper on - not too tight. Let them run around - and have fun. Just set some guidelines for the older one to follow.



E-mail in profile if you want to vent privately.



Take a deep breath and try to smile.

Chit 178,781 15
11/24/2006 05:08 PM

I'm not a parent, but I am a guy, and I can tell you that Duct Tape can solve a lot of problems that you might not have considered. (being a woman)



Email in profile if you want some "Duct Tape Tips"



For instance, Duct Tape makes a hell of a baby sitter...

Jaggy - the angel on top of the tree 11,895 13
11/24/2006 05:09 PM

I'm reading Fingersmith by Sarah Waters, and there's a woman who "farms" orphaned babies. When something sets them off crying, she walks around them with a teaspoon and a bottle of gin. Problem solved.

Chit 178,781 15
11/24/2006 05:16 PM

I'm pretty sure that was Fagin's trick in the musical, "Oliver"





Boy: Fagin, this sausage is moldy!



Fagin: Shut up and drink your gin.

Stuff me with your big turkey 15,189 12
11/24/2006 05:41 PM

M2,

Check yer e-mail, beeyotch.

Funkmaster BobJohnson 178,045 22
11/24/2006 08:21 PM

According to The Blank Slate by Stephen Pinker, parenting has almost nothing to do with how your children will turn out as adults. It's pretty much all genes.



What I'm trying to say is, don't bother picking up the poop and pee. That's a lot of work, yet we can infer from Pinker's research that children aren't affected in the long term by whether or not they spent 18 years living in puddles of human waste. Why bother?

Lila's Too Sexy For This Thread 78,555 13
11/24/2006 10:13 PM

I noticed "m" has yet to post in this thread since Sarah completely put her in check.



Also, after reading a few of her threads and taking into consideration the email she sent me a few weeks ago (out of the blue) I'm beginning to think "m" might possibly be crazy.

Midgets- wanna play good elf, bad elf? 96,092 48
11/24/2006 10:36 PM

If I take her children do I get her foodstamps too?



</lowblow>

Sage of Seattle (Facetiously Festive) 36,465 8
11/24/2006 11:03 PM

According to The Blank Slate by Stephen Pinker, parenting has almost nothing to do with how your children will turn out as adults. It's pretty much all genes.



Ah. The old "nature vs. nurture" argument. I don't understand why it isn't a combination of both. Of course, we'll never know which is correct since children don't live in a vaccuum (eh, sorry BJ, I meant to say human children don't live in a vaccuum).

Declan McManus, Daily Prophet Food Writer, 2006 131,887 36
11/24/2006 11:10 PM

It's too noisy to live in a vacuum.



Live in a dryer, instead.

Tweak 18,881 12
11/25/2006 02:44 AM

"Take my children! Please!"



You did a God-awful job of selling them. Seriously, you're never gonna get a decent offer with talk like that.



Oh, who am I kidding?

$20!

Tweak 18,881 12
11/25/2006 02:47 AM

You know what? Frost you. And I say that in the funniest possible way.



You got two orbs for that post. When did the bar get lowered below my ankles?

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/25/2006 02:49 PM

I sincerely thought you might all get a chuckle out of my naughty children. I did not respond because I was doing what Sarah suggested: being a parent. Which is what I do most of the time. Rarely do I sit at the computer very long.



Sage, my children have always been like this, they are normal. I am quite a happy person now, and so are they. They are just rambunctious. And I did decide yesterday afternoon that I needed a break, and I took an hour for myself. I felt much better after.



Lila, I sent you an email because I had always laughed at everything you posted. I thought you seemed like a fun person. Rest assured, my attitude towards you has changed. I AM a bit crazy. So, don't. Frost. Wit. Me. (Insert smiley here.)



Everyone else, thanks for the kind words, the funny posts, and the email. My children are now duct taped to the chandelier above the kitchen table. (Easy clean-up that way if they make a mess.)



M

Sage of Seattle (Facetiously Festive) 36,465 8
11/25/2006 03:20 PM

I sincerely thought you might all get a chuckle out of my naughty children.



Every morning they wake me up fighting. The 1-year-old girl beats up the 5-year-old boy most of the time.







Yes, mSquared. Pure Comedy Gold. How did I miss it earlier?



Oh, and rest assured that I shall keep my advice to myself in the future.

Chit 178,781 15
11/25/2006 03:41 PM

Everyone else, thanks for the kind words, the funny posts, and the email. My children are now duct taped to the chandelier above the kitchen table. (Easy clean-up that way if they make a mess.)





It tickles me right down to my soul to know we are doing God's work here at GAB.

Big Yuletide Boobs 6,369 10
11/25/2006 05:35 PM

You got two orbs for that post. When did the bar get lowered below my ankles?



I just wanted to watch you bend over to pick it up.

Lila's Too Sexy For This Thread 78,555 13
11/25/2006 08:28 PM

Lila, I sent you an email because I had always laughed at everything you posted. I thought you seemed like a fun person. Rest assured, my attitude towards you has changed.



So...you're saying you don't think I seem like a fun person anymore? Even after I sent you a response explaining how 95% of the Shakespeare we post around here is either misinterpreted or just Frost-ing with each other? Color me confused.



Well, I'll stick with my theory that none of us TRULY know each other until we meet in person. In a bus. With Hargrave in the front yelling into a mic. And CG mooning the crowds we pass by. And Roofie showing us her tits.

Jolly Ol' Saint Joe- The REAL North Pole Hero 6,067 8
11/25/2006 08:38 PM

<action>Colors Lila confused...?</action>

Lila's Too Sexy For This Thread 78,555 13
11/25/2006 08:49 PM

<action>colors Joe bad</action>

Jade - Queen of Mistakes 14,453 11
11/25/2006 08:51 PM

<action>spells "colours" the correct way</action>

Jolly Ol' Saint Joe- The REAL North Pole Hero 6,067 8
11/25/2006 08:52 PM

<action> Colors on the walls </action>

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/26/2006 11:51 AM

95% of the Shakespeare we post around here is either misinterpreted or just Frost-ing with each other? Color me confused.



And yet it is perfectly fine to misinterpret everything I post. Wow. Can I borrow your confused crayon?

Tweak 18,881 12
11/26/2006 12:06 PM

So your kids can eat it while you're neglecting them?

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
11/26/2006 12:15 PM

Only if they've run out of paste.

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/26/2006 12:25 PM

Heh



I was in first grade with a little girl that was notorious for eating the paste. She also Shakespeare herself frequently--once in her pretty little white tights. Everybody made fun of her and made her cry every day.



It was just like GAB! I think she grew up and had a sex change and called herself Pram.

Snork-sensei 45,655 12
11/26/2006 12:29 PM

Did your husband leave you, even though you're, supposedly, much hotter than the person he left you for? I don't really keep track of you people.



Anyway if that was you, I think I'm beginning to understand why he did.

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/26/2006 12:31 PM

Uh oh, was the little girl you instead?



Jeez, I'm sorry.

Snork-sensei 45,655 12
11/26/2006 12:56 PM

No, you're not.

Bieze 1,382 7
11/26/2006 03:27 PM

Take my children! Please



Alright then. Aheeheehee.

Lila's Too Sexy For This Thread 78,555 13
11/26/2006 04:35 PM

Can I borrow your confused crayon?



NO! NO! MINE! MINE! GET YOUR OWN!!

Crayola brand crayons 36,465 8
11/26/2006 05:20 PM

Ladies! Ladies, please! There's no need to fight! There's plenty of me to go around.



Isn't there? Wait, yeah. Yeah, I think there is....



Yes, now I'm relatively certain that there's enough of me to go around, so no shoving.

The High Priestess of Stewie 58,948 29
11/26/2006 06:26 PM

M2, if I may? I don't have children but I am an excellent babysitter (other people have said it too!) and have had experance with children of every age.





Get the biggest bowl you have. Make 2 4-serving packets of chocolate pudding in it. While it's chilling set up a child's table outside and wrestle your kids into their swimsuits. Bring children and puding outside. Dump the pudding on the table and tell them to play. Hose them off when done. Volia! They will be ready for a nap afterward. You can have you time while then are smearing pudding all over themselves and while the are napping.

Snork-sensei 45,655 12
11/26/2006 06:37 PM

Wait a minute... that's not pudding!

<i><i></i></i> 923 0
11/26/2006 07:24 PM

Once again MM, take the blue tablets.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/27/2006 12:23 PM

The 1-year-old girl beats up the 5-year-old boy most of the time.



So your 5 year old is a Poe and your 1 year old is going to be a dominatrix.





NOW...you want REAL fun...come round to our place. Twin 3 year olds and a 1 year old. The house usually looks like a Toys R Us exploded, other days they're all so tired/hungry/bored that it's like a side show (with out the T4 entertainment).



Pee on the floor is a common thing, not because the wee one doesn't wear her diaper, but because the twins are potty training. Couple that with one who's afraid to Shakespeare on the pot, the other who can't figure out how to empty the potty with out dumping it all over the floor (and who throws a Katrina sized tantrum if you do it for her) and you've got a typical household of young kids.



To much for you? Say that it's not the same because I'm a Da and not at home often during the week? OK..then trade places with ME, take the 2 hour commute each way daily, then listen to the 10-30 phone calls from the wife saying how Shakespearety a day she's having and that I ought to come home, make dinner for 5 (that won't be eaten), get the kids ready for bed, make sure they've gone "potty", change the baby's diaper and not complain ONCE about how I've not had the easist day either.











</rant>



Sorry, was a LONG Frost-ing weekend.

Its A Wonderful Sarah. 30,601 8
11/27/2006 05:49 PM

I'm taking bets to see if she pulled a Susan Smith.

Kittuns 44,835 9
11/27/2006 05:54 PM

You know, Momchat is a good place to post rants like these.

Freckle Monster 171,275 14
11/27/2006 05:55 PM

Ive never heard of momchat. Does it have to do with moms chatting?

Mike, eating vigourously as always 1,692 7
11/27/2006 05:56 PM

Try reverse psychology. One of them is bound to break a jaw at some point, then they'll shut up.

Kittuns 44,835 9
11/27/2006 05:57 PM

Searching for Momchat on Zug will provide you answers.

Mr.Glass 25,340 11
11/27/2006 05:59 PM

Your kids like crumbling food all over the floor? See how much they like it when you crumble them!



If they keep taking off their diapers, you put their diapers on!



They like to make forts out of blankets? See how much they like Fort Dachau. It can get as hot as an oven in those sheets (duct tape and a blow dryer helps).

Thud 68,497 19
11/27/2006 06:54 PM

You're a sick man, Mr. Glass.



I like that in a person.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/28/2006 09:50 AM

I wish I'd read that "Fort Dachau" earlier.

Came home last night to "Sheet/Blanket Fort" building in the dining room.



I'd had a bad day, the wifey had to head out for a meeting, the kids were hungry.....



SO, it was resovled:



We pulled every sheet, every blanket we could find, covered all 8 of the dinning room chairs with them, pulled the TV around where we could see it, popped in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" DVD, and sat in the fort eating popcorn and hotdogs while we watch.



Best.Night. EVAH!









We all have rough days, but nothing can keep you from enjoying some fun time with your kids while their still kids.

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/28/2006 01:25 PM

Ahhh. The boy is in school today, and the baby girl and I had a nail-painting party today. It was the first time I ever painted her fingernails, and she loves it. Every time I ask to see her fingernails, she holds them up facing herself.



Their father took the boy to school this morning, and boy called as soon as he left on his dad's cell to ask me to make sure the girl was not napping when he got home so he could play with her. Awwwww.



Wait, this isn't momchat? Disregard.



Poop?

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/28/2006 01:29 PM

Quick tip....1 year old with painted nails, if she's a thumb/finger sucker...BAD BAD BAD idea.

Nailpolish injested is a BAD thing.

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/28/2006 01:34 PM

Nah, she doesn't suck her thumb or chew on her fingers. And she's actually closer to two now.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/28/2006 01:44 PM

Do you? Could be a turn..um....Could be an problem.

Tucker Jolson 16,163 11
11/28/2006 01:56 PM

Once again MM, take the blue tablets.



No, no, take the red one!!!

m squared will shoot your eye out 2,881 7
11/28/2006 06:14 PM

Red would be more festive wouldn't it? Must keep with the seasons and all.



What the Frost is a red pill?! lolomgwtf:( :)

Jade - Queen of Mistakes 14,453 11
11/28/2006 06:15 PM

Obviously, you never saw The Matrix.

KChikita - Not Chi Chi Felipe 128,316 98
11/28/2006 08:17 PM

I thought this thread would be another one of those "Gawd, why am I even attempting to procreate?" threads, but now that I've gotten to the bottom of it, I still want kids.

Sage of Seattle (Facetiously Festive) 36,465 8
11/28/2006 11:15 PM

now that I've gotten to the bottom of it, I still want kids.



Just not hers.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/29/2006 09:05 AM

Mine are for rent at reasonable prices. Email in profile.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/29/2006 09:05 AM

Mine are for rent at reasonable prices. Email in profile.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/29/2006 09:05 AM

Mine are for rent at reasonable prices. Email in profile.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/29/2006 09:06 AM

WHAT THE HELL? How did that post three friggin times?

Sorry.

Jolson triple dog dares you 16,163 11
11/29/2006 09:45 AM

<action>shoves Pumpkin in the chest.</action>Look buddy, I don't care how cute your kids are, I don't want to rent them.















Um... can I have sex with them?

















Ok, $20!

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/29/2006 10:00 AM

$20 per kid?



I can't let them go for less than that, I'm afraid.







Well, Ok, maybe I can work out a "Bulk rate", but then you'd have to take all three.

A Pumpkin Noggin before Christmas 56,642 8
11/29/2006 10:01 AM

Alright, you can have the youngest, but the twins are a matched set, so they've got to stay together.

Chickens wonders is it 2008 yet? 286,539 61
11/29/2006 10:16 AM

If your ONE YEAR OLD is already in charge, you're Frosted.