Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 10:02 AM

Murphy's Law of shopping states that the more of a hurry you are in, the more mathematically challenged, financially desperate and socially retarded the people in front of you in the check-out line will be. I was in a pretty big hurry. If I didn't get out of there soon so that I could eat dinner and help the kids finish homework, I was going to miss The Simpsons. As expected, the lady in front of me was trying to mentally add (out loud) every item rung up so that the clerk had to move at the speed of a retarded garden snail debilitated by an industrial accident, barter every canned good as if she were grocery shopping in an Egyptian bazaar and speak with about the same amount of courtesy as a Department of Motor Vehicles beurocrat on a bad acid trip. As the long lines at the self-checkout next to me started moving with almost German efficiency, I began to feel my blood boil.



The breaking point came as the clerk rang up the last item. The green price tag on the can of vegetables was a little crumpled so the lady thought the price was $0.69 instead of its actual $0.89. This set off a wave of indignation in the lady, who threatened to refuse to pay for the can out of principle. The clerk and the customer than went head-to-head over the can of vegetables while me and the several other people who had by then jumped into this line began rolling our eyes at each other.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 10:02 AM

Finally, the witch relented. She pulled out her purse while lecturing the clerk on false advertising then debated the total price before finally writing out the check. Heavily agitated, she threw her purse towards the cart in front of her buggy but missed. Instead she hit the handlebars, or rather, the controls on the handlebars that power the cart she was riding.



Now, I had seen her throw her purse down but immediately afterwards had ceased paying attention. I did not realize that she had accidentally thrown her cart into reverse and sent it rolling right for me. I was not clued into this until I was startled by the rear bumper guard striking me in the left foot.



Now, I had had a run-in with one of these contraptions before, so I knew how dangerous they cold be. Luckily, I was not hurt. Un-luckily, I was startled and as anyone with the smallest iota of common sense can tell you, it is not a good idea to startle someone who is much taller than you are. Especially if he is holding onto a dozen eggs.



All it took was an involuntary squeeze. The lid of the carton sprung open and a single egg was launched just high enough to clear the edge of the packaging. Trying to save it, I violently lurched my arm with the carton forward to catch it. I did save that particular egg but in the process, launched four others much, much higher than the original.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 10:02 AM

One egg glanced off of the woman's arm and fell harmlessly, but messily, to the floor. That was the only one that missed. One broke off of her other shoulder, one hit her in the nape of her neck, spilling yolk down the back of her shirt while the last disappeared somewhere down in front of her. I did not see it hit, but I heard it break somewhere out of sight.



At that point, everything went still. However much I had fantacized about egging an ornery shopper in what was essentially a wheelchair, never in my life would I have ever mustered up the gumption to actually do it while stone sober. All I could do was stare at her in horror while she slowly turned her head around to see who had just turned her into an invalid omoulette. Expecting her to start screaming for security, I was preparing to flee when she looked up at me and meekly said, "I am so sorry."



Flush with relief, I apologized profusely back at her while everyone else in line stifled spasms of laughter. I did not bust up myself until I got back into the car (with a fresh dozen eggs). It was then that I realized the spiritual significance of this event.



I do not go to church very often. In fact, I avoid it by all means possible. Still, it has become blatantly obvious that not only is there a God, he loves the hell out of me and enjoys my sense of humor. How else would I not only have gotten away with egging an ornory invalid in a crowded grocery store, but got my victim to apologize to me after I had finished?

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 10:03 AM

I must be some sort of prophet. Anyone want to join me in forming a cult?

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
01/08/2007 10:08 AM

Sure, but I'm bringing the Kool-aid.

Chix was Leon Spinx for Boxing Day 286,539 61
01/08/2007 10:08 AM

If I get to egg tards, I'm in.

Midgets 96,092 48
01/08/2007 10:12 AM

Flush with relief, I apologized profusely back at her





Dead. To. Me.

KChikita - 20/15 Lazer Vision, Bitches! 128,316 98
01/08/2007 10:12 AM

<action>puffs on her "cigarette" and bobs to the music.</action>Karma, man. Karma...

Pumpkin Noggin wants a flying Fox for his Bday 56,642 8
01/08/2007 10:13 AM

<action> gets out his robes and sandels</action>



Meh. What the Frost, why not...this whole Druid thing's not been working out to well forme.





Jeporism it is then.

Pumpkin Noggin wants a flying Fox for his Bday 56,642 8
01/08/2007 10:14 AM

Is the scripture all written in Lymerics?

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 10:25 AM

OH. MY. GAWD! I left out one of the better parts! Not only did I apologize, Midgets, I also offered to help her clean up. She then reached into her purse to grab a tissue or something and found the fourth egg. All over the inside. I'll correct that when I post it into my blog tonight.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/08/2007 11:12 AM

Walmart. For eggs and bread. Frost-ing Walmart. For eggs and Frost-ing bread.



Dead to me, Jep. Dead. To. Me.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 11:35 AM

Hey! It's on the corner and cheap! And Liberals Hate it!



I <3 Wal Mart!



Anyone seen my teeth?

KChikita - 20/15 Lazer Vision, Bitches! 128,316 98
01/08/2007 11:37 AM

They're right in front of your mullet.

Chris Garrett 86,932 12
01/08/2007 11:44 AM

Invalid Omlette.



Heh.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 11:59 AM

They're right in front of your mullet.



I have male pattern baldness.





Goes great with a bitchin' mullet.

Jolson picked the wrong year to stop sniffing glue 16,163 11
01/08/2007 12:01 PM

And next to your Lynyrd Skynrd cd collection.

Jolson picked the wrong year to stop sniffing glue 16,163 11
01/08/2007 12:01 PM

I have male pattern baldness.





Goes great with a bitchin' mullet.





So you have a skullet?

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 12:40 PM

Sorry Jolson, I meant to 5-orb for that and missed

Prammed Again 80,728 42
01/08/2007 12:59 PM

not only is there a God, he loves the hell out of me and enjoys my sense of humor.



You would not have gotten away with that on a Saturday.

Sarahs Resolution is 1024x768 30,601 8
01/08/2007 01:23 PM

Had this story not been funny, I would have scolded you for going to Walmart.



I've got my eye on you, pal...

Pumpkin Noggin -Carved as a Valentine 56,642 8
01/08/2007 01:44 PM

Had this story not been funny, I would have scolded you for going to Walmart.



I've got my eye on you, pal...



Yeah, Jep, I see her too, she's over in Aisle 12 pretending to look at the Malt Liquor.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 02:13 PM

Hehe. Sarah's got her eye on me. Can't blame her though. That's the kind of thing that happens when you got a booty that just won't quit no matter how hard you try to stop it.

Sarahs Resolution is 1024x768 30,601 8
01/08/2007 02:25 PM

Yeah, Jep, I see her too, she's over in Aisle 12 pretending to look at the Malt Liquor.



Pretending?? Sheeeeeeeeet.

Ravos, Squirrel Attorney 63,472 21
01/08/2007 04:29 PM

Karma, man. Karma...



Karma....CHAMELEON even!?

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 09:07 PM

Man. Only three men volunteered to join my cult. I'm calling it off.



I believe group sex is mandatory in cult worship and frankly, I just don't swing that way.

That's What She Said 27,416 24
01/08/2007 09:30 PM

Jep, how is it that you get yourself into these situations?



I love your writing style you

Ravos, Squirrel Attorney 63,472 21
01/08/2007 09:38 PM

teehee

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/08/2007 09:56 PM

Jep, how is it that you get yourself into these situations?



Well, despite my refined vocabulary, I'm actually kind of a clumsy idiot.



Drinking helps too.

That's What She Said 27,416 24
01/08/2007 10:59 PM

I'll toast to that

Tweak - Friend. Lover. Spoon 18,881 12
01/09/2007 05:12 AM

If there's a cult, count me in.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 05:55 AM

You're not helping the guy/girl ratio here...

Lila - Gab's Token Fag Hag 78,555 13
01/09/2007 06:18 AM

<action>shows her voluptuous, FEMALE arse</action>

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/09/2007 06:28 AM

Man. Only three men volunteered to join my cult. I'm calling it off.



I'm sorry Jep, but I just can't join a cult that started in a Walmart.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 07:21 AM

Lila, you're in.



SCB, how about if I started one at a Canadian Tire?

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 07:23 AM

IKEA?

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,948 29
01/09/2007 07:46 AM

My tits are in this cult!

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/09/2007 07:59 AM

SCB, how about if I started one at a Canadian Tire?



Oh hell yes! I have something like $300 of Canadian Tire money saved up from when I was a kid. I am so in!

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
01/09/2007 08:14 AM

Under standard cult rules for communal living you'll be left with approximately $5 after you join.

Tweak - Friend. Lover. Spoon 18,881 12
01/09/2007 08:24 AM

I think we're missing one very important thing that's necessary for aspiring cultists.



It could be a problem.







This is GAB. Where the hell are we going to find a virgin?

Frogpop 173,153 25
01/09/2007 08:34 AM

Virgins, we've got.

Female virgins? Not so much.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 08:39 AM

Under standard cult rules for communal living you'll be left with approximately $5 after you join.



Don't sweat that. After I've pooled all that wealth, I'm springing for that new 108 inch TV for everyone.



Now, I need a Canuck to egg a 'tard at a Canadian Tire to bring SCB into the fold.



As for virgins, I forward a motion to sacrifice Pram first. Anyone second?



If anyone needs me, I'll be bustin' rhymes for our Book of Songs (In Limerick Form).

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,948 29
01/09/2007 08:40 AM

<action> grabs crotch</action> I got your virgin rig- no wait, I don't.

Tweak - Friend. Lover. Spoon 18,881 12
01/09/2007 08:56 AM

As for virgins, I forward a motion to sacrifice Pram first. Anyone second?



If that was the sole purpose of this cult, it would still be the greatest organisation ever formed by man. Second.

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
01/09/2007 09:05 AM

Don't sweat that. After I've pooled all that wealth, I'm springing for that new 108 inch TV for everyone.



And by everyone he means Jep and his 68 wives while the rest of us are toiling in the fields.

Pumpkin Noggin a Valentine in waiting 56,642 8
01/09/2007 09:13 AM

if toiling means Frost-ing the rest of the females, I'm in still.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/09/2007 09:30 AM

if toiling means Frost-ing the rest of the females, I'm in still.



That is the whole problem with the cult! There is not "rest of the females!" There's only three of us, and I'm not even really joining until Jep has a repeat miracle at Canadian Tire.

Pumpkin Noggin a Valentine in waiting 56,642 8
01/09/2007 09:32 AM

Jep has a repeat miracle at Canadian Tire.



Get a good price on a good tyre that won't blow out as soon as he leaves the lot?

Chix - 2.5 lbs in 2007 so far 286,539 61
01/09/2007 09:36 AM

Jep, it's not just the liberals that hate walmart. I know it's hard to take anything a patchuli stinkin dread-head says seriously, but some things are just obvious.



I just now remembered that I was going to bite your head off for going in there everyday but then got caught up in the humor of the post and forgot my rage.

Ditdah 123,110 14
01/09/2007 09:46 AM

<action>gags</action> Why does ANYONE wear patchouli? That Shakespeare smells like someone took Ollie's dirty underwear, soaked them in a bucket full of rotten fruit, left then in the sun to bake a while, then re-hydrated them with cheap 80's cologne and squeezed the whole thing into a bottle.

Pumpkin Noggin a Valentine in waiting 56,642 8
01/09/2007 09:52 AM

Patchouli oil and incense underwent a surge in popularity in the 1960s and 1970s, mostly among devotees of the free love and hippie lifestyles, due in part to the fact that the pungent smell of patchouli is known to cover the smell of burnt cannabis. During the Vietnam war, American soldiers used patchouli to mask the smell of the graves of enemy soldiers killed in combat. War protesters of the time used patchouli on themselves, to demonstrate that "we are all one race, we are the same as the enemy soldiers." Despite the deep meaning of the original use, hippies today use it with little or no awareness of this, doing it simply because this is the way it used to be done. Also, the Hare Krishna movement may have been partly responsible for this surge, as the god Krishna is said to "inhabit" patchouli. In addition, it can be used as a hair conditioner for dreadlocks.



heh. Not far off from the truth there Dit.

Chix - 2.5 lbs in 2007 so far 286,539 61
01/09/2007 09:52 AM

I bet it pisses you off when GF bathes in it on her way to her democrats-against-everything-righteous meetings, eh?

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 10:34 AM

I can see already that this cult is lacking commandments. So, my evil minions, here they are, plucked right out off of the burning bush (actually, it was more of a bowl and a couple of stale Heinekens.



Commandment #1

To maintain our cult's righteous rep,

Field work is performed with great pep,

To sloth we'll not wield,

As our men work the fields,

While the babes tend to molesting Jep.

Pumpkin Noggin a Valentine in waiting 56,642 8
01/09/2007 10:36 AM

I see a revolution happening soon.

Nachos - It's always the quiet ones. 57,521 23
01/09/2007 10:49 AM

here they are, plucked right out off of the burning bush



<Name of pseudo-slutty female GABber> has <Name of STD>?

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 11:01 AM

Commandment #2



Farm work will keep our bodies toned,

Discipline keeps our minds sharply honed,

We'll nurture our crops,

Of fine hashish and hops,

Keeping JEP more than pleasantly stoned.

Tweak - Friend. Lover. Spoon 18,881 12
01/09/2007 11:07 AM

<Name of pseudo-slutty female GABber> has <Name of STD>?



You just wasted two words and a hyphen.

Phat Chance 171,275 14
01/09/2007 11:08 AM

<Name of pseudo-slutty female GABber> has <Name of STD>?



Well there was a thread about this yesterday. Ask BBM, she might remember.

Pumpkin Noggin-Pres. Chance Fan Club. 56,642 8
01/09/2007 11:20 AM

You just wasted two words and a hyphen.



But there wasn't a hymen...oh..sorry, misread that.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 11:29 AM

Commandment #3



You may drink if you're struck with the thirst,

You may eat if with hunger you're cursed,

But if you want to sin,

With a woman's bare skin,

No can do unless Jep's tagged her first!

Pumpkin Noggin-Pres. of the Chance Fan Club 56,642 8
01/09/2007 11:34 AM

Ok...I can live with #3.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 12:28 PM

Commandment 4

Sunday brunch for us shall be a feast,

At our mass we will drink like a beast,

To ward off The Hex,

We'll have ravenous sex,

Five times daily while facing the East.



Commandment 5

To repent we shall not slaughter lamb,

Nor a pig, nor a cow nor a ram,

If we need sacrifices,

To forgive our vices,

We'll string up a bastard like Pram.

Jade - Queen of the Daleks 14,453 11
01/09/2007 12:33 PM

Hey, Jep! Can I join your cult?

Heart Shaped Pubah Sweets 56,805 18
01/09/2007 12:34 PM

Frued is a mother-Froster, ain't he Jep?



B-witch got what she deserved.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 12:37 PM

Sure can Jade, but you need to Limerick Commandment #6 for me.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 12:37 PM

You betcha, Pubah.

Jade - Queen of the Daleks 14,453 11
01/09/2007 12:40 PM

Oh christ. I'm no good at rhyming.

Heart Shaped Pubah Sweets 56,805 18
01/09/2007 12:41 PM

May I join?...



I'll use Commandments Four, Three or Two, if I may Thank you.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 01:18 PM

ITS COMMANDMENT 1 OR NOTHING PUBAH!!!



Once that's settled though, sure c'mon in.

Pumpkin Noggin-Pres. of the Chance Fan Club 56,642 8
01/09/2007 01:37 PM

There was a homeless Pubah who

Thought he'd only heed comandments 4, 3 and 2

But Jep set him straight

at a rather fast gait

and said "all or nothing, now shoo"

Heart Shaped Pubah Sweets 56,805 18
01/09/2007 01:54 PM

<action>Wonders if past random acts of human vandalism satisfy Comm !1</action>



Heir Pumpkin has quite the large Noggin

Once pushed down a hill on a tobaggin

At the bottom he did smashInto a tree...Big crash

Now about the gash in his head, he's a bloggin.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 03:11 PM

Commandment #6

If a man and a woman shall meet,

And in bed create sexual heat,

Then the man shoots out gas,

From the depths of his ass,

He shall hold his mate's head 'neath the sheet.





Four to go.....

Heart Shaped Pubah Sweets 56,805 18
01/09/2007 03:13 PM

I'm in there!

I did #Six!!!



Then she left me.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 03:51 PM

Commandment #7

For church we'll wear lavender cloaks,

With a mask for the uglier blokes,

We'll serve booze from the pulpit,

Watch the choir go gulp it,

And for Mass tell some raunchy poop jokes.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 06:07 PM

Damn. Coming up with ten Limericked commandments is harder than you would think.

That's What She Said 27,416 24
01/09/2007 06:32 PM

Can I join? I'm hot I swear.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 07:06 PM

You're hot? You can be the convent leader. You can take a seat right here on my lap.

That's What She Said 27,416 24
01/09/2007 07:08 PM

<action>runs over excitedly, takes a seat</action>



Hey! You're pants are poking me in the butt

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 07:09 PM

You're catching on.

KChikita - 20/15 Lazer Vision, Bitches! 128,316 98
01/09/2007 07:09 PM

This thread has been soda-jacked!

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 08:17 PM

Soda?!?!? That's a BEER can Chiki!



And YOU'RE a moonshine mug!

KChikita - 20/15 Lazer Vision, Bitches! 128,316 98
01/09/2007 08:19 PM

I'm an ale-mug, thankyouverymuch! And you, sir, are root-beer.

KChikita - 20/15 Lazer Vision, Bitches! 128,316 98
01/09/2007 08:20 PM

ROOT-BEER!

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 08:26 PM

HERETIC!

Sage of Seattle (Meandering Fecklessly) 36,465 8
01/09/2007 08:30 PM

<action>hands KChikita his as-yet unnamed sword</action> Here ya go, dear. Give it a try and don't forget to aim for just the top of his shoulder. With both hands, I'll bet you could get a good enough swing.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 08:31 PM

<action>Covers crotch</action>



I heard she was short.

Ravos, Squirrel Attorney 63,472 21
01/09/2007 09:11 PM

"Now, I need a Canuck to egg a 'tard at a Canadian Tire to bring SCB into the fold."



Problem is, Canadian Tire doesn't sell eggs. I'd say Zellers, but its been bought out by 'mericans.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/09/2007 10:05 PM

What? You afraid to put a couple eggs in your pocket?

Ravos, Squirrel Attorney 63,472 21
01/10/2007 12:10 AM

they crack on the way. Then I'd have egg'd myself, which would accomplish the goal, but the small problem is I am not a 'tard.

shadesofgrey 5,445 7
01/10/2007 12:19 AM

This cult needs a proper name. A name that will convey the pride cult members have in their trivial knowledge of Hookers, Sex, Manual Labor, Booze and Farts.
A proper name for the cult is necessary for those times when someone questions the trivial knowledge of the cult members.
Upon the revelation of the proper name, cult members will have a chance to enlighten the interested party victim after the logical following question.

What is Jepperdy?

Alex Trebek 211,584 32
01/10/2007 12:34 AM

Oh, I'm sorry. We're going to have to disallow your response as it was not phased in the form of an insult.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
01/10/2007 12:36 AM

<action>buzzes in</action>What is Jepperdy, you stanky, skunk-breathed son of a pram?

shadesofgrey 5,445 7
01/10/2007 12:55 AM

Actually, the victim would be asking "What is Jepperdy."

To which the cult member should respond in a like manner:

You ignorant twat. Jepperdy is the only path to true enlightenment. If you were man enough to leave your mother's basement and walk in the light of day for only an hour you would merely have a taste of the grand things in store for you as a follower of the mighty Jepperoni. He will give you 70 virgins* and allow you to bask** in the sun for days without end. If you do not come with me and follow Jepperdy within the hour, your home will be set on fire, your worldly possesions will be scattered among the rich, you will never be able to have sexual relations again and to top it all off, you will have "music" written by Pram Maven mystically implanted into your head so that even if you forcibly remove your eardrums with a drill and blowtorch, you will still hear his "musical" Shakespeare until the day you die.

So. Are you in?

*Virgins will be previously deflowered by Jepperoni.
**Bask = perform backbreaking manual labor.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
01/10/2007 01:30 AM

So. Are you in?



I hate when they ask that.

BlueLep 13,144 10
01/10/2007 01:33 AM

Or when they TELL you, "You're not in yet. That is the wrong hole."

Sage of Seattle (Meandering Fecklessly) 36,465 8
01/10/2007 01:37 AM

Whoa! WHOA! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 05:59 AM

I think I shall ask shadesofgray to write the cult's initiation ritual.



I shall also ask SCB if she'll take an IOU on my Canadian Tire miracle. I had no idea I would be starting a cult when I tried out for the promotion that put me back to work on the populated side of the US border. Now its a helluva drive to Canadian Tire.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/10/2007 06:11 AM

they crack on the way. Then I'd have egg'd myself, which would accomplish the goal, but the small problem is I am not a 'tard.



Liar.

Ravos, Squirrel Attorney 63,472 21
01/10/2007 06:42 AM

aww crap, just when I thought my lie would have gone unnoticed. DAMN YOU!

Hug Pumpkin for VD (valentines day pervs) 56,642 8
01/10/2007 09:17 AM

I say all female members of said cult should SUTTs upon submission of applications to be members.

Also pictures of other parts of their unclothed bodies will be acceptable.



I dutifully volunteer to be the "keeper of applications" (email in profile)

Tweak - Friend. Lover. Spoon 18,881 12
01/10/2007 09:19 AM

<action>sends an email.</action>Wait... female?

Hug Pumpkin for VD (valentines day pervs) 56,642 8
01/10/2007 09:45 AM

well, preferablly, yeah, but meh. I could use it to trade for others.

Sage of Seattle (Meandering Fecklessly) 36,465 8
01/10/2007 02:40 PM

Trade to whom? I've already all the male GABbers have sent out their pics to every slightly female GABber around...

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 02:51 PM

Finally had time to think! Works a bitch today.



Commandment #8

To repel all the merciless vexes,

Curses, arrests and bad hexes,

We'll remain quite unharmed,

For we're far better armed,

Than those scorched Waco fruitcakes in Texas.

KChikita - Right in your Buckeye! 128,316 98
01/10/2007 04:09 PM

I heard she was short.



I'm 5'8"! Not short, but I am a little slow, apparently.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 04:11 PM

5'8"! How you doin?

Heart Shaped Pubah Sassafrass 56,805 18
01/10/2007 09:19 PM

To partake in this cultish binnes

One must down massive glasses of Guinnes

Fighting a great urge to pee

Pay almage to Jepperon ee

And do sex with a Gabber named Dennis



(Does this meet your criteria, Jep?)

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 09:34 PM

Hell no. I ain't sleepin' with no one named Dennis. Unless she looks like Christina Applegate.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 09:35 PM

Right on with the Guiness though. You Irish?

Jade - Queen of the Damned 14,453 11
01/10/2007 09:37 PM

Don't mention Guinness to TTJ. I sent her some and it got her knocked up.



Well, that's what Donk says, anyway.

Heart Shaped Pubah Sassafrass 56,805 18
01/10/2007 09:37 PM

Maybe...Grandpapa got around.



Some SheIdiot saw me drinking one in a bar and thought it was chocolate beer.

Heart Shaped Pubah Sassafrass 56,805 18
01/10/2007 09:38 PM

Well, we should know what the little tykes GabName will be...



Guinnes

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 09:40 PM

Commandment #9



If we're hit with a big police raid,

We'll sing, dance and not be afraid,

We'll kiss the cops' mugs,

Give them long soulful hugs,

Then serve them some Jonestown Kool Aid.

Jade - Queen of the Damned 14,453 11
01/10/2007 09:42 PM

Hey, Jep. If you're ever over here in the UK, I'll buy ya a pint of Guinness.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 09:44 PM

Pint!?!? I'm Irish. I drink the stuff by the gallon over here.





And let me tell ya Jade, knowing you drink Guiness in spite of your Englishness makes me love you just THAT much more.

Jade - Queen of the Damned 14,453 11
01/10/2007 09:45 PM

I drink Guinness if I'm hungry, sometimes. It fills me up and it's yummy.

Jepperoni 58,758 13
01/10/2007 09:45 PM

Oh, and apparently your Guiness causes pregnancy. I've already got three kids and have #4 on the way. How 'bout I buy you Guiness and you spring for my vasectomy?

Jep Bush 58,758 13
06/26/2007 04:31 PM

Saw a similar incident yesterday, two lines over. Another fat lady was fumbling in her purse while she was in the check-out line and put her cart in reverse. She backed into an old guy's cart and remained completely oblivious to his efforts to push her back forward. It was like a Special Olympics reverse-tug-of-war going on until he finally piped up and yelled at her to watch where the hell she was going. If I had been buying eggs, I most definately would have hooked a brutha up.

With scenes like this unfolding on a semi-regular basis, how can you people possibly NOT like Wal-Mart?

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 05:00 PM

Because, while I do enjoy watching the Special Olympics competition, I Frost-ing hate having them in front of me. Or behind me. Have you ever had a gentle snowflake start stroking your hair?

Shell Belle 77,143 25
06/26/2007 05:07 PM

I actually enjoy shopping at Wal-Mart. It gives me a temporary self-esteem boost.

syncope 49,019 14
06/26/2007 05:09 PM

<action>drools and strokes meg's hair</action>Your neck is soft like my dead bird.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 05:14 PM

I'll join the cult

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 05:16 PM

Ye gods, it's awkward. I had long hair in high school, and I was taking the trolley home from school. Suddenly, I feel someone touching my hair. I turn around, ready to tear some hobo a new one, and lo and behold, it's a gentle snowflake. I felt too bad to say anything, so I turned around, and he petted my hair until he got off. Ten excruciating minutes later.

Once a Zolton, Always a Zolton 88,200 34
06/26/2007 05:18 PM

I felt too bad to say anything, so I turned around, and he petted my hair until he got off. Ten excruciating minutes later.

Yes, but when did he leave the bus?

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 05:27 PM

I think I'm going to go shave my head.

Jep Bush 58,758 13
06/26/2007 05:29 PM

Cool! Mind if I pet your scalp?

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 05:41 PM

dammit, i attract the tards and freaks. And freakish tards

Shell Belle 77,143 25
06/26/2007 05:50 PM

dammit, i attract the tards and freaks. And freakish tards

Heh. You're a 'tard magnet.

Jep Bush 58,758 13
06/26/2007 06:27 PM

<action>Drools on the nape of Meg's neck.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 06:37 PM

God hates me.

KChikita carrying a Lemon! 128,316 98
06/26/2007 06:56 PM

But GAB lusts after you!

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 06:59 PM

Then my life has meaning!

Sadly enough, that was meant sincerely.

Once a Zolton, Always a Zolton 88,200 34
06/26/2007 07:14 PM

But GAB lusts after you!

Only if the hair stays off.

But you could leave a little 'landing strip' right in the back, if you want. Maybe a lightning bolt, or a little hair heart, just to mix things up a bit.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 07:16 PM

my hair's barely down to my chin . I'm not cutting it soon.

Fezig 3,711 7
06/26/2007 07:41 PM

I'll gladly join the cult if I am allowed to mock the Walmart "security" people. I'll never understand why they allow a person who was the love child of Methusala, who can only move with the assistance of walker and can match the speed of Stephen Hawking baseball pitch, to stop someone from shop lifting. I will gladly slap those stupid happy face stickers all over their head.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 07:46 PM

What exactly are you going to steal at Frost-ing walmart?

syncope 49,019 14
06/26/2007 07:55 PM

What exactly are you going to steal at Frost-ing walmart?

You're kidding, right?

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/26/2007 07:59 PM

...no.
Are you going to steal one of the tard greeters?

syncope 49,019 14
06/26/2007 08:00 PM

If they're lucky.

Thud 68,497 19
06/26/2007 11:14 PM

Are you going to steal one of the tard greeters?

They have specific greeters for the incoming tards? What the hell are they like, or are we better off not knowing?

The Sage of Seattle 36,465 8
06/26/2007 11:23 PM

<action>waves at Thud</action>Hello! How are you today?

Thud 68,497 19
06/26/2007 11:25 PM

<action>waves back at Sage</action>
Fat, same as everyday. Coming to apply for a job?

The Sage of Seattle 36,465 8
06/26/2007 11:26 PM

Yeah, I'm still waiting on a call back from the Russian babe.

Jep Bush 58,758 13
06/27/2007 12:26 AM

She sent me a link by mistake Sage.

McRib 13,155 9
06/27/2007 12:29 AM

She looks like a middle-aged Kelly Osbourne.

The Sage of Seattle 36,465 8
06/27/2007 01:03 AM

Et tu, Jep?

That wounds me, man. Wounds me deep.

Jep Bush 58,758 13
06/27/2007 01:05 AM

With that thing around her neck, I thought she had a beard.

The Sage of Seattle 36,465 8
06/27/2007 01:43 AM

Wanted: 50 something Ukranian teacher who is currently being mauled by a chinchilla.

email in profile.

Big Boobs Mcgee: Got Milk? 6,369 10
06/27/2007 02:18 AM

For some reason, I thought I had joined teh cult when this thread first started, but apparently I did not.
So, I join. You may not want to have an orgy with me at the moment though, I have a bad cold. But I guess if you just stay away from my face...

Humphrey 51,764 12
06/27/2007 02:34 AM

But I guess if you just stay away from my face...

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be aiming at your face!

Jep Bush 58,758 13
06/27/2007 02:35 AM

I'm pretty sure I would.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/27/2007 04:35 AM

I already got like, raped by this thread from the neck up. Orgy it is!